minigirl

THanks Honeyspur, I am a type of person who avoids things. It was hard for me to go through a day and then type out my feelings at night. It made it harder for me sleep. Its easier when I go through the day and not think about how I feel and then on to the next day. I'm not giving up NC. Just giving up the expressing of the negative feelings at this point. I dunno if it makes any sense. Trying to fight the battle in a diff way I guess.

I've decided to quit this NC challenge. I'm quitting this NC challenge because I found its easier to jsut do NC without posting my feelings. Sometimes a day passes and I feel good. But then Im forced to sit and really think how I feel inside. Its easier for me to pass a day and feel good about myself. But its harder for me to come back on here and post my feelings. When I do that, I feel like Im searching for feelings to write and it ends up making me more sadder or opening the can of worms. I think for now, Im going to take it day by day but deff NC at all from me. Just not going to post anymore of my feelings. I just want to forget it all if possible, will make it easier on me. I cant handle all these emotions everynight again. I cant seem to be able sleep all over again.

Day 2 Yesterday for some odd reason, was a bit of a bad day. My mind thinks of him everyday, but yesterday I imagined all the bad senerios. Whether he is or is not with someone, I imagined it. I imagined him with some of the hotters girls that we mutually know. I imagined him married and him cheating on the wife with me. I lost my mind yesterday. Though it isnt, I just kept imagining the worst possible senerios. I wanted to feel all the pain I can possibly feel so I couldnt feel anymore pain. Duno if it;ll work, but i hurted myself yesterday. Day 3 Today was a bit better. I was busy. I had a mutaul friend of both of ours who didnt like us both together come up to me and act friendly. It felt weird because I thought she wanted soemthing out of me. I gave nothign and kept it short...I didnt want to hear anything to upset my mood. I also ran into another friend, she asked about him. Wether she knew we dated or broken up, I dont know whether she tested me, i dont know I simply answered her I dont know. I think I did well and tried HARD to not focus on it and let it affect me. I still think of him everyday but Im trying to think of the good and bad with sense and try not to let it affect as before. I see our starbucks, I rememebr the memory and try not to dwell on it. Im trying .. I really am. Im proud of you minigirl!! Thanks minigirl...

Day 1 We no longer have to see each other. We probably will never run into each other again. My heart hurts but I am forcing myself to move on (Its been 2 months) I'm allowing myself to think about him now, and I deep down inside do miss him and cant understand why he would just pick up and leave. I dont know how he could love me one min and give up the next. But today will be the LAST day I will cry for him. today will be the last day I think of him in a longing way A few days ago, I made the choice to force myself to move on and stop reliving the pain. Yesterday he returned a 1 week old email with nothing in it. Nothing that I can pull hope out of. My heart fluttered and I was scared/ excited to open it. But from today forward, I promise myself, I can't let it hold me back anymore. I need to move on. I WILL NOT think about you in that way anymore. I WILL NOT torture myself with questions of why and what if and if onlys I need to delete our memories temporairily. I'm not going to allow myself to hurt over our memories. I'm sorry. At this moment, I dont want to ever see you again in my life. ANd now I'm starting Day 1 of NC. Please, and I know you wont, dont contact me. If I can ask for anything, please give me time and let me heal.