DanielLJ

I have suicidal thoughts all of the time. It scares the krap out of me when I'm not feeling that way, but I think about the fact that I do feel that way. "Earth people" just don't understand this, but those of us that deal with suicidal feelings do understand that it seems logical to want to die when we feel so little pleasure in life and hope returning....BUT...this is a BIG BUT...It's like using an M1 Tank to kill a fly...wouldn't a fly swatter be more appropriate? I work with EMS and I have been on calls where people have successfully committed suicide and it is very upsetting to me...Everytime that happens, I always say, " You stupid SOB! Was it worthit? Look at those you left behind! Was it right to transfer all of your pain and whole lot more pain to their lives?" The answer is NO! I have had to learn to say F*ck It! Life goes on! Yeah it sucks right now and it seems like it is not going to get any better, but do we really know that? NO!!! We don't!!! This too will pass. If you are as unlucky as I am, it will pass and return too! That is where it is time to just get unplugged from all of this life crap and just put everything on hold for a few days and live a little. Think of family, think of the blessings that are in our lives and realize that life may SEEM that bad, but it AIN'T that bad. It's all screwed up perception. Last but definitely not least, go see a Psychiatrist. I take anti-depressant drugs daily and they help me feel "normal" if I ever have known what normal feels like. Hang in there! It WILL GET BETTER!!!

Maybe counseling would help...I'm thinking about it. You neede to be able to work on you separate from working on your relationship with him.

I know something is wrong with me, but I just don't know what. I have had problems with major depression, suicidal thoughts, alcohol for many years now. The alcohol was self medication. It made me feel okay. I drank to excess, and when the depression would hit, I would usually end up back in AA. I have stayed sober for as long as 18 months before. I have had several periods of sobriety that lasted over a year. Today, I don't feel that I am an alcoholic. I seldom drink. I was chaptered out of the Army because I was diagnosed with dysthymic disorder. After I got out of the Army, I continued to have problems. I seemed to keep ending up in the same place-emotionally indifferent, angry, depressed, withdrawn from family/friends/enjoyable activities. I sought the help of another professional and he diagnosed as being bipolar. I'm not really sure this is the problem either. I was put on Zoloft, then Effexor, then Paxil when I was in the Army and it did help some. I am terrible about staying on my meds. When the doc diagnosed me with bipolar disorder after I got out of the Army, he kept me on the Paxil and added Lithium Carbonate. I do okay for a while, but I keep getting back in the same place as mentioned before. In addition, I find that I am becoming more and more angry also. I frequently think about being violent towards people that run into when I am withdrawn. For example, if a drunk comes up and asks me for money when I am at a gas staion or somewhere, I usually get furious and cuss him out and tell him to get a *beep* job. I work and you can too. I always want them to be violent towards me so I can let all of my anger go on them. Thoughts like beating them to death with some object like a large wrench or hammer always pop into my mind. I feel really *beep* up. What do I need to do? At work, I feel like I am always behind and I have great difficulty in getting organized and managing my daily tasks. I work as an engineer, so it is imperative that I do my job well or costly mistakes be the result. I am not happy and I want all of this to change. I live in a rural area that I grew up in and it has been reduced to nothing. The economy is dead and there are no women here that I am remotely interested in. I just want to pick up and leave, but I am afraid my problems will come with me. I don't know what to do!

I know something is wrong with me, but I just don't know what. I have had problems with major depression, suicidal thoughts, alcohol for many years now. The alcohol was self medication. It made me feel okay. I drank to excess, and when the depression would hit, I would usually end up back in AA. I have stayed sober for as long as 18 months before. I have had several periods of sobriety that lasted over a year. Today, I don't feel that I am an alcoholic. I seldom drink. I was chaptered out of the Army because I was diagnosed with dysthymic disorder. After I got out of the Army, I continued to have problems. I seemed to keep ending up in the same place-emotionally indifferent, angry, depressed, withdrawn from family/friends/enjoyable activities. I sought the help of another professional and he diagnosed as being bipolar. I'm not really sure this is the problem either. I was put on Zoloft, then Effexor, then Paxil when I was in the Army and it did help some. I am terrible about staying on my meds. When the doc diagnosed me with bipolar disorder after I got out of the Army, he kept me on the Paxil and added Lithium Carbonate. I do okay for a while, but I keep getting back in the same place as mentioned before. In addition, I find that I am becoming more and more angry also. I frequently think about being violent towards people that run into when I am withdrawn. For example, if a drunk comes up and asks me for money when I am at a gas staion or somewhere, I usually get furious and cuss him out and tell him to get a ***ing job. I work and you can too. I always want them to be violent towards me so I can let all of my anger go on them. Thoughts like beating them to death with some object like a large wrench or hammer always pop into my mind. I feel really ***ed up. What do I need to do? At work, I feel like I am always behind and I have great difficulty in getting organized and managing my daily tasks. I work as an engineer, so it is imperative that I do my job well or costly mistakes be the result. I am not happy and I want all of this to change. I live in a rural area that I grew up in and it has been reduced to nothing. The economy is dead and there are no women here that I am remotely interested in. I just want to pick up and leave, but I am afraid my problems will come with me. I don't know what to do!