tangi39

Here is the issue though- That's a big assumption. Sometimes one party just got completely sucker punched and served with no warning- Just because someone is going through the paperwork does not mean emotionally they are ready. And even the person who did the filing may not be ready. Drawn up papers does not mean all the loving emotions have all disapperared and until it is FINAL, nothing is final ![/I] Plus there are many people who get back together during this time or just looking for a distraction. The only way to know for sure that the person is divorced is to see the papers. Sadly, there are too many liars out there that say are they getting divorced when they are not. And you better hope their spouse does not care or you could get dragged into the divorce proceedings as part of infidelity charges. (They are still married, after all) Even assuming everything is on the up and up- People need time to grieve and mourn- I personally believe it is too sticky of a situation. If the new person falls for them they are going to be pushing for the divorce and asking the person to heal for the sake of their relationship and not allow their new bf/gf's to grieve and heal on their OWN watch. Spoken or unspoken, you are going to be compared to their spouse in every way. There are just too many "What if" factors involved. Most of the time, a person is not looking for a real relationship so close to a divorce- and the Other person getting involved is likely to get stuck in between the exs and/or heartbroken in the process. Not worth it IMVHO.

I have to disagree. By having an affair with a married person, the cheatee has already interjected themself into the couples' relationship. They have already affected the marriage. I don't know if you can really walk away and say, "Well, it's not my responsability to inform her" after you've already created the damage and got in the middle of their marriage. The wife needs to be informed. I think the working out of it should be between the H & W. I DO agree that the wife should hear it from someone else, in this particular case though. Not for revenge purposes on the man , but for the wife's health and safety. IMO, the wife not knowing creates more damage. In an ideal world, the husband should tell her, but I don't know how realistic that is.

Okay, before I begin let me state- I NEVER think cheating is a good idea, EVER !!!! Before marriage, after marriage, anytime- period. That is my opinion. But in order to help you and not judge you- Let me give you a textbook scenario of the real possibilities here: Okay, say you go out and cheat. It is SO easy to say it will only be once, but how do you know you'll be able to stop ? Even after marriage. Cause let me tell you- You will have LOTS of hard times when cheating is all to easy to turn to. (especially during dry spells that will happen) If you justify it now, trust me, you will find ways to justify it later. How would you feel if your gf found out or got an STD ? How would you explain it to her ? Would you be able to still have a relationship ? What if you discover it's unfulfilling AND you lose your fiance for good ? What if your gf got the urge to have sex with another man and got pregnant with his child ? How would you feel ? Would you be able to forgive her ? Would you then want to build a life with her ? What if you enjoy the infidelity and it becomes like an addiction ? Will this become a pattern anytime life hits you with something major that you are worried about ? Will it create committment issues for you permanently ? Will it create permanent trust issues ? How do you know you'll be able to keep the cheating a secret ? (most of the time, it comes out one way or another) What if you go through with it and your fiancee finds out - Then you have to call off the wedding, go through all the rigmarole, explain to mom and dad, grandma and grandpa, friends and neighbors that it is being called off because you cheated. Do you really want to deal with this ? How do you know you'll even like it ? What if you then carry around guilt the rest of your life ? What good will honestly come from you cheating ? One of two things will happen. 1. You like it and can't stop 2. You'll hate it and the problem will snowball. Either case is not good for either of you. I really don't see anything positive that can come from this. I think the most fair thing for you to do- Is at the VERY LEAST, postpone the wedding and separate from your fiancee. Then you both can decide if you want to get married later. Will she take you back ? Maybe yes, maybe no, but I wouldn't expect her to stick around. If you want to be a free man, be just that. This is a serious committment, and if you are this tempted now, PLEASE don't get married. Because the temptation will be 1000 times greater after. Saying a few words at an altar does NOT make it easier to avoid if this is your mindset. But if you are having doubts, your fiancee deserves the truth, plain and simple. Do this NOW !!! I doubt this sowing of oats will be all you think it is- usually it just equals a lot of trouble. But if you want to be free and single- Be a man and break up with your fiancee. It's the right thing to do. If you want to be committed, be committed period. Personally, I think you should just break up- I don't think you are ready for a committment of this magnitude. I think the best thing for you both is taking some time apart. But let her be involved in this decision, this is Her life too. If you are having cold feet, she needs to know so she can decide if she still wants to marry you. IMHO, you do not sound ready for marriage. So, I think the fair thing to do is call it off and be single. If you feel this way now, your marriage has a slim chance of working anyway.

That is an awful lot of "rules" for a friendship. Can I ask- Why do you even need rules ? And if she's already shot you down- what do you think making these rules will accomplish ? If it was me, I'd be incredibly turned off and want nothing to do with you. I can't see many women agreeing to these standards. It's too much to live up to and will eventually fail because life is unpredictable- How can you promise not to meet someone and want to see them ? Or that another friend might need to be made a priority one day ? I'm sorry but- I don't see this working out Luke. Throw the rule book out the window ! Friendship should be fun and exciting associations, too many rules and it becomes like a job. You should be able to be yourself and have fun.

In a word NO- It's been 3 years, if he hasn't already, why would he now ? Do you honestly not see what scum this guy is? I found it strange that his phone kept ringing and he would not pick up, but when I confronted him about he said it was work... Okay, so here's two lies ................ 10 min later Toby called and said this was his roommate who he did not get along with... he said they used to date and she told all his girlfriends that she was his wife because she was jealous. Here's Major Lie # 3 later that night we met at a coffee shop and he confessed to me that he was married with two young children (7 & 12), but their relationship had been horrible for several years. they got married when they were 20 because she got pregnant, and 7 years ago after giving birth to a second child, she confessed that he (ironically named Tobias) was another man's baby... Alarm Bell- You NEVER HAVE to get married- There are plently of single parents out there. No matter what she's done- that has nothing to do with you- Don't make excuses for him. It's really low for him to even tell youthat, honestly, Would you want him publicly announcing your flaws ? Marriage is hard, he wanted unattached sex as escapism, Honey, in all honesty, you met at a BAR. Toby said they are only together because he could not afford to divorce her... from what I know, his parents hate her (she is Mexican), and she treats him horribly. Excuses, Excuses, Excuses- He is an adult, he can do whatever he chooses. anyway, I learned about his marriage 3 years ago, and Toby and I are still having sex on a regular basis, going out at night, he even spends the night often: I do not know how he gets away with it. our relationship is great, I feel that he is "the one it seems that we can read each other's thoughts, that we are meant to be together. when I am with him, I feel like there is nothing more I could ask for. Why ? Do you really want to be 2nd choice to someone ? That's what you are. He doesn't love you. It is just sex to him. If he really loved you and wanted to be with you, He'd have left her long ago. Nothing more than a liar and a cheater ? however, I don't know how much longer I can live like this, I don't know if I can listen to him tell his wife "I love you" on the phone one more time while we are naked together, I don't know if I can take one more cancelled date because of family concerns. How do you think she feels ? Think how hard it must be for her. And sorry , honey- She probably does know. Women usually can tell when their spouse is cheating. The picture is clear- He loves his wife and children and they are more important to him than you- Saying he loves you in front of her only proves he doens't care about your feelings, he is feeding you all the cliches for sex. And if you DO stay together, there will be more and more cancellations. Those kids are permanently in his life even if his wife isn't. I have asked him to divorce his wife if he wants our relationship to work--we both love each other and share a lot of precious memories together. he says that he would like to, but he is waiting to secure a promotion at his job. he says he doesn't love his wife, and I believe him because he spends more time with me than he does with his wife, we go together to dinners, concerts, and vacations... we even spend last Christmas together, and I know many of his friends and vice versa. how can I make him leave? I cannot live without him, but I do not want to share him with someone else anymore... You CAN'T make him leave his wife- He has to want to, and he doesn't want to. There will always be some lame excuse he gives you one after the other. Of course he prefers to spend time with you- He can just have fun and treat you like a plaything- then ditch you whenever it suits his mood. Of course that is prefearable to a family that needs his support, care, and love. None of which he is giving you. If I were you, I'd feel even worse about taking him away from his kids. Even assuming he does leave his wife- Which I don't think he will- He then marries you- Gets another mistress, tells her what a horrible person you are, that he doesn't love you and only stays with you for this reason or than reason and is naked in bed with her while telling you he loves you. Is this really the kind of husband you want ? I think you need more self respect !