surfjon

Damn....... Why, just why did I choose to listen to Bill Evans version of "My Foolish Heart" today....when I'm sooooo depressed about things other than you, but when I get down.....my heart and mind inevitably turn to missing you, even after all these years...., I shoulda known it would trigger the need for a bourbon on the rocks..... Nearly 8 years ago you bailed on me, the first 2 years I tried to slowly kill myself with alcohol, cocaine and new women... The next 5 I spent with someone I grew to love nearly as much as you, who simply just "faded-away", never really ending things, just leaving me to languish. I hate you, I hate her....I hate all you women. I choose now to live my life alone and solitary, I refuse to let any woman into my life again........ I gave all I could, but never good enough for any of you....... This man wil never be abused or taken for a stooge by your types ever again.........

I'm done for good...... Told her last Tuesday that I've had it....that I would never email, text or call her again. I deactivated my facebook, deleted all her phone #'s and blocked her on email. I told her if and when she realizes she made a mistake with her continued ambivalence and wanted to talk, don't bother....... I've started dating again anyway and really don't miss her one bit..... The way she was not there for me over the last 4 weeks, thru some really bad events, really reinforced that I don't need this girl and she could not care less about me...... REJECT THE REJECTOR!!! I will never, ever let a girl back in my life if she dumps me....no second chances ever......this is my credo and new mantra.... No second chances.....

These things ARE confusing..... When a couple first gets together, there is no history generally speaking, and the love is "new" and "fresh"....the infatuation stage indeed.... As time goes on and dynamics shift and then the inevitable "breakup" occurs, there is generally a "one-down"(the dumpee) and a "one-up" (the dumper)....... After the breakup, if the dumpee handles it properly by letting go, not clinging, trying to "move-on", being positive as in my case.... There is a slight chance at reconcilliation....... Problem is, now there is history.....uncertainties and questions on both sides......usually there is a short "re-infatuation" stage, but nothing like at the start of the relationship. I still can't figure my girl out and what she wants, but it's ok....I'm happy doin my own thing and although I'd like her to be more like she "used to be", this may not occur, and I'm ok with that......I can let go today if I need to and walk away knowing I TRIED!! Somedays I'm tempted to tell her "THATS IT, I"M OUT!!", but I'm patient and feel like we invested 5 years together and I owe it to myself to see what ultimately happens..... But I did the work, released her and moved on......she wanted back in and I let her, I can easily let her go again..... I learned how to do it folks, you can too!! peace!

Yeah....It happens sometimes, but is it a blessing or a curse..... Was with my current GF for 5 years, and she dumped me a second time in January 2013..... She'd done this before in April 2012 and after a month apart, she asked me to take her back, which I did.....Probably shouldn't have. So when she dumped me in January, I went NC and kept living......yeah, I was very hurt and missed her dearly, but she rejected me so what was I to do.....said she was "unsure", and "didn't know what she wanted".....so I distanced myself and gave her the space she asked for. After she asked for the break, I was forced to take a hard look at the relationship for what it really was, and in doing so realized how I'd allowed myself and my boundaries to be treated with disrespect and disregard. As more time passed, and I became stronger every day on my own, and realized more and more how I was unhappy for nearly 2 years of the relationship. After a couple months of just sort of waiting around for her to sort things out, I decided I was done and I started dating again.... I didn't make any formal declaration like "I'll be dating now dear!", I just decided to move on, so I did... In the months she was gone, I rode my bike alot...spent time on the boat where I felt free from her and was happy on the ocean, played my guitar alot, met new people.....and befor I knew it I'd dropped 23 lbs, was back in 31" jeans and was tanned and happy again!! VICTORY!!!! And I did it all for me......Yeah, I'd read that sometimes the dumpers see all these positive changes and come back, but I'd realized I had some dependance issues and needed to sort that out, I'd become too reliant on her....made her too big a part of my life for my own good....so the changes I effected were for myself and my future partners in life. I'd see her around here and there, always said hello with a big smile......friends started telling me how good she thought I was doing and how well I looked, I never said a negative thing about her, just kept upbeat and focused on moving on...... I had reached out to her a few times in a very gentle way, just letting her know I was still out there and though I couldn't be simply her friend, that I was open to dialog about us......she never indicated wanting to get back together, so I never pushed it....I just let her go..... So in June, I hadn't had any sort of contact with her in nearly 3 months, and was feeling pretty damn good.....In the 6 months since the breakup I'd reinvented myself and had a new life going and it had occurred to me that this life was independent of her!! I had truly moved on!! Then the email from her on June 12th...."Hi, just wanted to see how you are" Me on June 15 ......"Hi, fine, thx..." Her on June 16......" Was wondering if I could see you sometime" Me on June 18th...." I explained to you I will not be your friend, I will have a dialog about us, but no friendship" She emailed me that she understood and that she wanted to talk about us, so I agreed......we went out on my boat with all our dogs, it was very nice and she had a different look in her eyes than the months before....she seemed happy to be with me.... She asked me if we could go to dinner, and I agreed....at dinner I didn't approach the relationship at all, just caught up with her and what was up in her life, and eventually we discussed us....what happened....what went wrong. She said she saw all the positive changes in me and that she regretted the break-up, that she wanted to try again.....we cried and hugged...kissed like we used to... I was now the one unsure of what I wanted and she the one wanting back in, the twist of dynamics was a tasty treat I will say..... After all, I went thru 3 months of hell when she dumped me, I loved her dearly but she dumped me.....so yes, I did feel a bit smug when she came back asking me to try again...... So here I am in late August, yes....we're still together.....we really only see each other once a week and then on weekends, I'm not as crazy about her as I used to be a few years ago, but I feel like that can be rebuilt....I have a very warranted uneasyness about her because she's dumped me twice and I will probably always have that in the back of my mind, I have not fully let her back in my heart because she must earn that back now. I don't make myself as available to her anymore like I used to do....I'd drop everything for her to do anything and that too has changed...... Yes folks, getting back together does happen but at what cost..... Everyday I wonder if I made the right choice taking her back.... Perhaps in taking back this ambivalent girl, I have missed the chance to meet a new girl who will truly love me and be sure about it! Perhaps it goes well for another year then she dumps me again! Perhaps she does the hard work like I'm willing to and we spend the rest of our lives together..... I guess love is defined by ones willingness to risk it all, take the chances, spin the wheel.......

How dare you............ After 6 months broken up, 2 months of which I was strict NC, over you for the most part and moving on and dating again, how dare you contact me and ask back into my life only to once again be ambivalent and "unsure". I ditched your crap again last night, it was hard as hell, but I want you to stay gone now, never contact me again...... When you regret your decision in a week, a month, a year......don't even consider contacting me, I am gone now.

This poem really struck a chord with me a few months back when I was hurting like hell..... If You Forget Me I want you to know one thing. You know how this is: if I look at the crystal moon, at the red branch of the slow autumn at my window, if I touch near the fire the impalpable ash or the wrinkled body of the log, everything carries me to you, as if everything that exists, aromas, light, metals, were little boats that sail toward those isles of yours that wait for me. Well, now, if little by little you stop loving me I shall stop loving you little by little. If suddenly you forget me do not look for me, for I shall already have forgotten you. If you think it long and mad, the wind of banners that passes through my life, and you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots, remember that on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms and my roots will set off to seek another land. But if each day, each hour, you feel that you are destined for me with implacable sweetness, if each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me, ah my love, ah my own, in me all that fire is repeated, in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, my love feeds on your love, beloved, and as long as you live it will be in your arms without leaving mine. Pable Neruda

Better Man James Morrison There was a time I had nothing to give Well, I needed shelter from the storm I was in When it all got too heavy you carried my weight And I want to hold you and I want to say That you are all that I need, For you, I give my soul to keep You see me, Love me just the way I am I said, for you I am a better man I said, you are the reason for everything that I do I'd be lost, so lost without you, oh And under the stars At the edge of the sea There's no one around, no one but you and me We'd talk for hours as time drifts away I could stay here forever and hold you this way You are all that I need, For you, I give my soul to keep You see me, love me just the way I am I said, for you I am a better man I said, you are the reason for everything that I do I'd be lost, so lost without you, No no no I'd be lost, so lost without you 5 months out and I'm all good, I miss you sometimes.....but not your crap treatment the last 2 years, I mean the you I met in 2008, the girl that was awesome for 3 years, the girl thats long-gone..... Were it to have ended differently, I'd thank you for the great times, some of the best of my life, that I spent with you.....I'd thank you for teaching me to love again after the brutality of getting thru the ending of a 24 year marriage, I'd have wished you well.... Now all I can do is thank you for making me see how flawed we were and how I'm glad (finally) that it's done.....

Doc.... Yeah, it's the familiarity of someone we've spent so much time with, and when the're gone it's the lonlieness that gets us missing them, not so much even "them" anymore, just someone we're comfy with.... I too am enjoying the single-life, but really miss those weekend mornings having coffee in bed on a lazy weekend morning.... Planning what to do for the day...... Miss the sweet texts and calls....hell, they quit coming anyway those last 2 years.... I need to quit livin in the past,,,,

"If You Forget Me" Pablo Neruda I want you to know one thing. You know how this is: if I look at the crystal moon, at the red branch of the slow autumn at my window, if I touch near the fire the impalpable ash or the wrinkled body of the log, everything carries me to you, as if everything that exists, aromas, light, metals, were little boats that sail toward those isles of yours that wait for me. Well, now, if little by little you stop loving me I shall stop loving you little by little. If suddenly you forget me do not look for me, for I shall already have forgotten you. If you think it long and mad, the wind of banners that passes through my life, and you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots, remember that on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms and my roots will set off to seek another land. But if each day, each hour, you feel that you are destined for me with implacable sweetness, if each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me, ah my love, ah my own, in me all that fire is repeated, in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, my love feeds on your love, beloved, and as long as you live it will be in your arms without leaving mine Remember how I read you this over a year ago?? Oh Yeah, that was the FIRST time you dumped me... Was such a fool to believe you and take you back.....

My Dreams, My Works, Must wait until after Hell..... I hold my honey and I store my bread In little jars and cabinets of my will. I label clearly, and each latch and lid I bid, Be firm till I return from hell. I am very hungry. I am incomplete. And none can tell when I may dine again. No man can give me any word but Wait, The puny light. I keep eyes pointed in; Hoping that, when the devil days of my hurt Drag out to their last dregs and I resume On such legs as are left me, in such heart As I can manage, remember to go home, My taste will not have turned insensitive To honey and bread old purity could love. Gwendolyn Brooks......

Finally BALETED your a$$ outta my phone list!! I hated seeing your stupid name, even after I changed it to "Ash The Ex"... Had no further need for it or silly reminders of you..... I can honestly say I don't know your #, never did and I'm glad about that... Later Baybay!!

Yes....Everything they say is and was a lie, you will never know what happened, you will never know how or when things went wrong...... They simply abandon us and we must watch our futures become our pasts.....

Freed the daytime with indifference Watch the twilight starve the sun Shuffle home against the darkness Turn the key and bite your tongue And please be strong You don't know it but you're coming right along Call belated, leave a message Wait for hours just to talk Feel like slowly getting blown off Stretch your eyes, invite the clock And please be strong You don't know it but you're coming right along Cry as if to say you're sorry Sight a life and hate your own Try to think of what to mention Leave the television on And please be strong You don't know it but you're coming right along Coming right along, coming right along

Da Capo Take the used-up heart like a pebble and throw it far out. Soon there is nothing left. Soon the last ripple exhausts itself in the weeds. Returning home, slice carrots, onions, celery. Glaze them in oil before adding the lentils, water, and herbs. Then the roasted chestnuts, a little pepper, the salt. Finish with goat cheese and parsley. Eat. You may do this, I tell you, it is permitted. Begin again the story of your life. — Jane Hirshfield

Somewhere a seed falls to the ground That will become a tree That will someday be felled From which thin shafts will be extracted To be made into arrows To be fitted with warheads One of which, someday when you least expect it, While a winter sun is shining On a river of ice And you feel farthest from self-pity, Will pierce your $hit-filled heart. –Michael Fried, “Somewhere a Seed”