Coyote9

6 months out...NC other than one phone message to her when her brother died in July...short text thanking me for my best wishes...that's it....she's so far in the rear view mirror I can't even see her now....except she's in my thoughts and in my heart still. The only way out of this is to go to the bottom and out the other side.

Checking in here on significant days now....5 months since I've seen her and over 6 weeks since I left a phone message about a death in her family and received a 10 word text in reply to my message. Life without her still seems pretty empty...but I've come a long ways and have no problem maintaining not only NC but doing the things that protect me from even seeing her or finding out about current information about her. My health is back to 100% and I do feel like I have a better time sleeping and have gained back the weight I lost in those initial weeks. There's still very much a hole in my heart however, and while it's healed substantially I do think about her a lot and miss so much about her and about us. Each day that fades from view a bit more. NC works, but it's no quick fix, that's for certain.

When you no longer care if you see your ex or not, then you're ready to break NC...but you won't care so the question no longer will even be of concern to you. Early on I think many of us hope that NC causes our ex's to ponder their fate without us, but the fact is, even if we are contacted, in most cases our ex's are only lonely or curious and the issues that caused the breakup remain. I have a lot of personal experience with breaking NC and reconciling, and I can tell you that it never got better. It takes two equally motivated, devoted and passionate partners to have a chance at making it. None of us would be here if that was the reality of our relationship. If you are a dumpee, keep walking as there's maybe a less than 10% of a reconciliation that might result in a long term relationship. Heal up and find what you want someplace else. Concentrate your energy on yourself and on new people, not on a friendship with your ex, unless you breakup was so mutual that it does'nt phase you to be around them.

Been about 4.5 months now....I'm able to experience long stretches of time (hours) when I don't think about her at all, but alone or in situations where my memory is triggered I still think about her. NC has become a way of life, and I no longer fear contact (as she's moved on and will not contact me either at this point). I miss the closeness and companionship of our relationship and have not had very good dating experiences thusfar, although I'm trying to see that as more about expanding my network of friends and less about anything terribly romantic at this point, as my ex is still in that spot in my heart and I actually feel worse when I think about a sexual situation with someone other than her still. This stuff just takes time!

Over 4 months now of NC, so why do I think about her so much all the time? Seems like any circumstance can trigger feelings of sadness or longing, but they don't last as long and my energy is certainly better so I'm getting a lot of stuff done. Still very concerned about possibly running into my ex at a work meeting next week. I will get through it but somehow knowing that it's likely makes me realize, from her point of view, how long ago the breakup was and how far she's moved on. Not able to get any friends motivated to go out tonight so I stayed in. Weekends are so tough but I'm simply not ready or motivated to date. What's clear now is that all of this is about me and not about her at all. Other than as my story my illustrate or help others, I've quit writing about her here for the most part. That in itself is progress for me.

NC is a way of life now after 4 months, but the problem has been I've not been focused on the "what next" and instead have tended to drift. Part of that has been due to being off of work and health issues that hopefully I've finally been able to correct. There's just a big hole where she used to be and even though I know how to move forward in my mind, I've done little so far to do so. Getting back to work in a couple of weeks will help, as well being able to finally get back in the gym after about 7 months. I am doing the essentials but that's about it. Feeling uninspired to really have any ideas about how to again reinvent myself, as I have after every breakup one way of the other the last 15 years. First things first, sleep better, eat better, get some things done around my house I've negleted all summer. I have little interest in dating and find my greatest relief often comes from writing or reading here on ENA....somehow that sounds so pathetic, even though I can give myself the same advice about being gentle with myself, trying to be positive and look ahead instead of the rear view mirror. It's always easier to see how other people can make that happen that it is to actually to it yourself. I am grateful for this time of reflection and a reawakening of a greater self awareness, but I wish I spent less time thinking about this stuff and more just getting on with my life. I know that moment will come but I don't seem to be able to make it arrive any faster than it will.

4 months tomorrow and the apathy is finally kicking in....even as my energy is low and I still think about, I finally don't care that much. She was a lousy girlfriend and I don't miss much about her at all at this point, other than my own hopes and dreams that she became attached to. Those are dead in the water now as well and I'm fine with that for the time being. Better to be numb for awhile after this constant pain for so many months.

About 4 months out now, with one indirect phone and text message a couple weeks back regarding a sudden death in her family. I feel so clear now about how lousy this relationship really was, how unloved I felt for so much of it, especially the last year, and how we simply never really were on the same page. What I miss is not so much her, but the dream of what I hoped she and I could create together. She shared that insofar as she fell hard for me first, and I was the skeptical one, given her committment issues in her past and her very recent divorce. I know I would forget her tomorrow if I was to meet someone I was truly interested in who was also strongly interested in me. But my dating life is laughable at this point and I can't seem to transition from the world of a steady and committed relationship, bad as it was, to the casual world of dating. So it's all about being with myself at this point, without the constant pain of thinking about her or wanting to contact her, what is left is a profound sadness and a sense of being truly sick and tired of this...or writing about it, talking about it and thinking about it. Perhaps that's the beginning of apathy? I certainly hope so....

Day 5 after indirectly having contact and breaking NC last week. Had a great day yesterday, mainly because I spent it with a woman I have met that I really like, even as we are just friends at this point and she lives 3 hours away anyway. After getting home very late last night, I realized I hadn't really thought about my ex in that intense, yearning way all day. A frist in 3.5 months since the last breakup. And yet, today, without the excitement and distraction of the new person, the feelings are back. The good news is I know not to contact her and I think have come to more full acceptance that she has truly moved way on from me and wants nothing to do with hearing from me anyway. Tough pill to swallow but I've finally choked it down I think.

Day 4...and I wrote more posts today than any day in the nearly 2 months I've been on ENA...really struggling but determined to get through this rough spot in which I broke NC and had indirect contact with her....yuck.

Day 3 after breaking over 100 days and leaving my ex a message (and receiving her text in return) regarding the death of her brother. I am struggling today knowing that I'm not needed or part of her family anymore in anyway as they had the memorial service later today. It hurts to be irrelevant to the situation but that's the way it is and I need to get back to taking care of myself again rather than worrying about her or thinking about how I'm not needed.

It's indeed heartening to see how far someone can come in a full year....I'm looking forward to the next 200 days to get me to that point of feeling like I have my life back and more!

Amen Brother!

Day 113 I think. Been having dreams about her more and again have trouble sleeping. I think in large part, this set back has been caused by other stressors in my life that make me miss her but loathe her at the same time. Regarding those stressors, I saw another specialist today on the irregular heart beat of mine. They have scheduled a procedure known as an ablation in which they will put a cathator up through the groin and into the heart and literally burn the offending nodes/veins whatever they are to keep the heart from going into the atrial fibrilation (off) rhythm. Hopefully a permanent fix but there's some risk of things like stroke and burning other things in the heart that aren't meant to be burned...so it's a bit scary. I also found out today that, the same week that I'm having my deal done by dad is having a kidney removed for renal cancer treatment. I of course have been talking to friends and other family members and we have plenty of support, but in the midst of it I started thinking about my ex, how I wish she could be here for me and for my family, how involved she was with my family and how they loved her, and yet the bottom line was...what a shi**y girlfriend she was. When the chips were down, she simply up and left (again and again). I feel quite relieved that she's not at all a part of any of this as she was never really helpful or thoughtful when I had my shoulder surgery in January or even when she heard the news (through friends) that I was having this heart issue back in June. Not even a message of support or whatever from her. I can't imagine dumping someone and not caring about their well being enough to at least say..."sorry you're going through this, chin up." For the first time today I experienced not longing or anger but disgust. Absolute disgust for her and her selfishness and half-hearted efforts at showing me or my family that she cared at all those last 6 months. She told me once how important it is that people saw her as someone they could count on, but she's the last person in the world I could count on. And as far as I'm concerned she's a selfish bit**. Now, when part of me still wants to need her more than ever, I feel disgust and pity and relief that I no longer expect anything from her, as she always let me down. I guess the good news is, I have no pretense anymore about getting back with her or about some warm and fuzzy past that we had together. __________________

Hey Coyote...It's been one hell of a 9 month stretch...first feeling like a human yo yo in and out of the relationship with Li**y, as you would open yourself more and more to making yourself vulnerable to her in hopes she might finally have the courage to do the same, only to find, while she couldn't seem to stay away from you for very long, she couldn't sustain any sort of committment to you either. Her fears prevented her from exploring what an amazing relationship you could have had. You gave so much and it has affected your health and your state of mind now for almost a year, especially in the 3 months since she left once and for all. It's not about her anymore, her fears, her false intentions, her words of uncertainty and confusion, it's about you my friend. Your hopes and dreams and your future. I'm so proud that you've not contacted her in these past nearly 100 days. I know it hurts so much as she's moved on and hasn't tried to contact you either, but you have finally accepted that it's over. The cycle of reconciliation and breakup has been broken forever. She is poison for you, the cowardly ways she left you and the way you were given no say at all in discussing how the relationship should end. She will never help tie up those loose ends, never. That's for you to do on your own and you are doing it. I know you long for not just her, but for a successful, passionate long term relationship with someone who feels about you as you do her. That will happen for you in time. You don't need to fear or despair that it won't nor push yourself into situations that aren't the right ones for you. You are intelligent, intuitive, and deeply self aware. Those are all wonderful things that Li**y felt so threatened by, but the right partner will see as characteristics that are incredible. Keep going. You can do this and you are doing it! L