SonicYouth

This all started when I was visiting home for Thanksgiving. I’m 37 years old. I came across a little poem that my younger brother wrote when he was 10 years old and made a completely anodyne observation about how sweet it was. My mom said something like “that was a wonderful time, despite what you think.” And I usually don’t engage but this time I lost control because it felt like such an unnecessary low blow. My childhood was a mixed bag. My parents cared and tried, which I know is more than a lot of people could say. But they fought. A lot. And loudly. I was never abused, but I never felt safe emotionally. I was always on edge waiting for a door to slam, for someone to move a pile of dishes angrily. A vicious argument could break out at any time at any reason. It’s a deep wound and affects me in ways I can’t even diagnose to this day. My dad is long dead, but all I want is for my mom to validate my feelings, acknowledge that it was hell sometimes growing up in her home. But she lacks the emotional capacity to do that. It’s full-on defensiveness, snide hurtful comments, telling me I’m an adult and I should recognize the complexity of my parents’ relationship now and accept that they loved each other despite all the fighting. But I was a child and know what I saw and felt and it’s never, ever been recognized as valid, and it’s never going to be. So I’m a 37-year-old man and I cried like a 7-year-old when I remembered being that 5-year-old boy putting football helmets on a map and hearing my parents screaming at each other and being so little I didn’t even know to be upset. I wanted to go back in time 32 years and hug that boy and protect him and take him for ice cream or something and be his safe space. Because there was nobody there to protect him, and it hurts my heart because that was me. And my mom will never ever understand or acknowledge that and all I need is a genuine validation. I know I have to accept it’ll never happen, but it just hurts right now.

Hello, everyone, I'm seeking a quick bit of advice to help sort my thoughts. For a bit of background, I was in a not-great relationship from ages 18 to 32 that produced a now 7-year-old daughter and ended in divorce. I have now been single for over three and a half years, during which time I've been on four first dates. This question is about the most recent one. I started chatting with a woman on Bumble who seems to check all the boxes. She's about my age, lives in my city, and has a similar background and interests. We chatted for a few weeks and met this past weekend. The date went fine. We had plenty to talk about and I told her I'd like to see her again. This is where my issue comes in. The next day, Sunday, I felt absolutely zero motivation to pursue it any further. I could see intellectually, based on the above evidence, that I should be enthused about this, but I'm not. The thought of going on a second date and trying to start a relationship exhausts me, even if the person seems great. My single life feels well balanced. I have time to dedicate a lot of energy to my daughter, time to exercise, time to work hard and read and take walks and visit family and do nothing and just be myself. Deep down, I like it this way, but part of me feels obligated to try and find a relationship, and the thoughts keep arguing in my head. Do I just like my life now because it's safe and quiet and I need to force myself out of my comfort zone to find true happiness with someone else? Or should I listen to my gut and just do what makes me happy right now? I feel like a lot of my desire to find a relationship is based on outside expectations, that X number of years after divorce you will have another relationship. And I don't want to wake up crushingly lonely a decade from now and realize I should have pursued this. But on the other hand, I could wake up 10 years from now and regret that I spent so much time and energy on a failed relationship, like with my marriage. These are the thoughts that run through my over-thinking head. Could someone please offer a bit of guidance?

Hi, I'd love some advice on this scenario, even though I feel like I already know the right answer. My ex-wife and I have been split up for around three and a half years. We're very amicable co-parents of our 7-year-old daughter. This post isn't about either of them. I've maintained friendly contact with my ex's family and recently got a text from one of my ex's younger cousins (late 20s maybe?) asking if I'd be open to a call to "catch up." This cousin is very much "on the spectrum" with Asperger's syndrome and I think looks to me as something of an ally as I always engaged with his conversation and generally went out of my way to be friendly to him. Along with his issues comes many family difficulties, and he has an extremely rocky relationship with his mother to the point that he has threatened to lash out at her violently in the past. He's currently cycling through a series of short-term leases and is living off disability payments. His call to me was not about "catching up" at all, as he asked me if I could drive a U-Haul truck for his impending move to New Jersey from North Carolina, as he doesn't have a driver's license. I do not know the details but apparently he's moving in with, or close to, his long-distance girlfriend. I feel horrible saying this, but if this was a request from a "normal" friend or family member I'd be happy to do it, knowing that they would offer to pay me and provide accommodations, meals, and the like for my troubles. As it is, this former cousin can do none of that and, due to his condition, generally doesn't have the ability to consider the needs or wants of others and other social niceties. In addition, his family situation is extremely complicated and I'd rather not get involved in a scenario where I may be seeking reimbursement from someone who can't provide it. What this comes down to is that I truly and simply do not want to do this for a variety of reasons, related to my duties to my daughter and job and life in general, but there is not one specific thing I can't point to and say "Darn, I'm busy that weekend." I want to help people, particularly a quasi-family member whom I perceive is trying to start with a clean slate, but it feels like a huge ask and my gut feeling is "Don't do it." Am I right in listening to my feelings here, or am I a total jerk?