amunrah

I do not kow hwo to put. It seems that boredomeis killing me. I have absolutely have nothing to do in my spare time. My job is shitty, I am software tester in a organisation who does not give a damn about quality of the software. I am like a process worker doing same shit again and again. No way of doing anything extra. That goes my joblife... IN my personal like I am bored big time. I am married and my wife expecting withinmonth.So I end up doing lot of household work. In my spare time I hook into internet. I do not know what to do. If I want to persue something cost factor comes into play and we are not financially OK like. My wife hardly gives company becuase now she has nothing to think other than the person coming in to the world.So I am pretty much pushed aside. Due to this reason I started getting addicted to sex. Whatever time I have in internet I look for porn. I guess it all started like that but it is the only company of me. In fact I started in indulging crossdressing, not doen yet but I download some crossdress pciture and somehow I just want to dress liek them and have fun. In fact I have got an address of a socity of Crossdress in Sydney (where I am from) but I am thinking should I apply or not. Beucase my wife does not know about it. What should I do.... please advise me...your help is appreciated....

Hi Grace Good to hear from you. Things are getting better. I think I will fight to keep everything. I am sure you will do good. It is good idea to keep the jobs as well as learing. I used to do tutoring in UNiversity as well study. Not so tiring though. ANy way what I was telling you that, yeah send me a ur photgraph accross my email address is email removed. It is OK you can send me email from office. I am sure you will do good in your job. It is late here. I will send you more post tomorrow.

Grac Do you feel little vierd that we are so far from each other and we still connected. Sounded like one of those Networking advertisment. What you say is right, I take each day. Everyday ebfore leaving for house I feel OH OK today will be a great day. But I feel dejected when I reach home. May be I ask too much. I try a lot to get myself together and get the things going . Sometime I feel like talking something or anything to somebody who do not judge me or will feel bored. Someone like you, I feel OK after getting reply from you. It ia actually good to know that somebody listen to you. Becuase at home everything becomes very restrictive, you know. What work you do, you do not mind if I ask ? Your post keeps me lievly at the end of the day......

Ho Grac I guess I agree to what you wrote. I do not know, I am just waiting for that day when I will settle down and do things which I like. I am still waiting grac.. I have doen things I know may be hurt someone but I have done it unknowingly. Yeah things are getting bad, every morning I struggle to get up from the bed with empty feelings. I think that is taking toll on my health. My digestive power has reduced. Get tired very fast. Yeah I guess what you are saying is right I just cannot go and pray. I thik I have lost all faith whatever I had. World has very bad place to leave in. Sometimes in the bed I think I do not think I will open my eyes tomorrow . Offcourse I am not going to any silly thing like that becuase I have my wife and tobe born to support. It is like a game, you are there to play and you kow you are going to loose but cannot leave the field. I am happy that you get some form of solace in GOD. I do not know Grac....whom to believe and what to do.....

Hi Grac I think that is your version of looking at GOD. Tell me something a simplequestion why an innocent person suffer ? What is the good reason to it. This is always be a mysetry to me. It is just a small question I guess no body can answer. Why there are so sufferings n? Sometime I feel bad looking at them, does GOD cry too, I guess you will tell yeah, but does he really ? Grac I do not know.... But I guess I am still searching for answers to so many things. Why I feel like my life is just there to please somebody else. First part my parents, second part my wife and third part will be children. What do I get? I tried to ask questions and I vowed OK I will do something which I like, but I end up doing something which other person likes. It has been happening ages. Nobody told me OK you like this go ahead and enjoy it other than my psychiatrist. When Isee her and talk to her she becomes my only window of light. There I know nobody will question me for motive, nobody will think that oh he is dodgy or he is just selfish. But unfortunatelyI have to pay $80 evry visit, so itsi kind of dear to me. Not even my wife likes first she thinks why I cannot open myself up in front of her why I am so confortable with somebody. I just cannot explain to her that she never questions me. She tries to guide me, she never put allegation. I do not know... like now I do not feel like going home. I know as soon as I reach home I have to do this , I have to do that and before realising I am in bed waiting for next day in office. Whereas my wife fast asleep. It is like take it or leave it.

Hi Grace My God .....I bow down in front of you.The reason I am feeling so down becuase sometime nothing works for me. It is just a horrible feeling. Back home there were my relative who is to guide me or I can seek guidance. But here we are totally alone. Its like you are alone in your journey. I like that you finished your graduation, your are a fighter. I know it is very difficult for a single person to pay bills. But you and your sister has shown remarkable fighting spirit. I should mention your mother's courage and dedication. I think we as a male do not have patince to cope up with things. You are great. I must say keep up the good work. I always get inspired by people like you who has fought in theirlife and still fighting. I guess my problem is very miniscule compared to you. If you can hang on there so am I. Sometime things just keep hitting us relentlessly like aiel bombardment. That is the time I just feel helpless. Sometime I feel are you made out of somekind of evil genes. Why mae are responsible for doing all sorts of bad things. Sometimes I wonder whether we are the curse.

Birdman You're observation is absoluetly correct. I have to revive that feelings. As you said it must have covered with problems and hindrance. That is true she is the one and it is true she has gone through hell. Sometimes I have treated her badly unknowlingly and it may still haunt her. I know I cannot stay without her she has become part me more of becuase we have gone through hell and still going and we seek in each other's comfort. She is stronger than me. I am still trying to resurrect our feelings for each other.

hi Grac Thanks for the post. You actually bring some sanity back to my world with your post.I have started looking for job getting very few calls but I have dicided not to give up. This organisatin is non profitable organisation. My Boss is very cunning , he changes side with a tweek. Since I am not a developer I do not hold any importance to the management. Our management is kind of shit they do not mind paying to external for a shoddy job but they do not want to give good rise to us inspite of working hard. I think this year is going very bad for me. It is like depression, last night our water heater system broke. Now I have to cough up $580 to repair. My credit card bill is mounting. It is kind of pressure from all sides squeezing me in. I want to save my leave becuase I will need it when baby comes. Secondly going somewhere is expensive. We have to really control ourselve. I have lost faith in everything Grace, nothing works. I think in God's view the chosen ones are people like Rupert murdoc, and people from Haliburton Bechtel. We are just you know scum.... Keep posting Grac, nice to get posting.

Dear Grac Thanks for the emal. The problem is whatever I have around I had to work so hard for it. I have worked hard very hard for whatever I have, I become battle wary. Things are not turning up as I wanted. Offcourse we do not get things we want but at least I would expect something is there to look forward to. Everytime I achive something something else happens and it negates everything. It has become to a stage where I do not find any inspiration in anything. Work situation is getting worst, in this organisation people are so demotivated becuase of low salary rubbish system, high beuracracy. Bunch of old people making bad descision. Their actions are never scrutinised but people like me have no freedom after ginving 200 % in work. I want to be happy genuinely happy but I cannot see any way out. I need fresh friends like you who can give fresh ideas or inspiration. We are very much cash starved and that is squeezing me more. I am a very imdependent person. But lately I am like bogged down by the circumstances. It is a bad feeling trust me grace. Feels like I am sinking into a unfathonable depth. What I think if I have to believe GOD, why is he punishing me. I have not done any wrong to anybody so why I have to get the wrong stick....

I used to have these attacks but no so serious. You may call it anxiety attack. I used have this attack when I am going to do something bad and I know it is bad. It will drive me crazy I used to feel cold (even shivering), feel dizzy. My body is used to feel really warm like having a fever.

Hi i am married man, working in a reputed company in Australia. The main problem is I am terribly bored.I have nothing interesting to do. This feelings have driven me to do stupid things which I feel bad about. I am feeling so low that I cannot give a damn what is happening around me. I have been quizzed by my surrounding. Financially I am struggling as well as emotionaly. I hate to go home from work becuase I feel there is nothing interesting. I cannot indulge in any activity becuase it costs money which I cannot spend like that. My wife is pregnant and hence everything is restrictive. I think I have lost the feeling of lookig forward. I find each day is a curse like. The job is very boring the work I do is boring. I am in a vicious cycle. This boring things have forced me to seek excitment in SEX which I have indulged without my wife'sknowledge. I am not sure what I am going to do. When I speak to her she does not understand and she has nothing to say. I feel miserable. I am seeinga pschiatrist but she asks me things like doing something interesting or being in a group which interest me. Now the situation has gone down so drastically that I have become very lethargic, motivation is absoluetly low. Can somebody advise me.

Hi michelle... I amalso from Australia I had tough time too. Idid number of contract jobs before getting a permanent job. Without a job is a hell and specially when you see your wife working not you. You cannot get things which you would like to and that can create lot of friction between you and partner. Sometimes your advise will sound like a nagging to him. This is just a phase and I am sure it will pass over. Nothing remains for long in this world.

HI gRac I never had sex with a man. My wife is the first person. She i svery religeous and she does not bellive that man can like expermentation in sex. I think I have too sexual drive and it is growing becuase we do not have for sex for 5 months at a stretch. Now I feel different, I feel SEX is something which is going to bring displeasure and guilt. Sometime I get this feeling of have sexual pleasure. It is just a feeling which can cropp up anytime and is very strong. At that moment I cannot judge what is right and what is wrong. I get scare for that moment. It is like another indvidual when I get those feelings. until now I have deisisted but I guess soon I will get that attack. I get really helpless in front of it.

nickb2003.... Your problem since to be more with attachment. I think you loved her but she did not reciprocate. I feel about it. I guess best advise I can give it to you is forget about her. I am sure it is not easy but trust me go out and do something you like. Genuenly. Have good time and I can assure you that there are plently of nice woman who can share your feelings. I would suggest you to stop writing letters to her becuase she has chosen her destination and I do not think she is going to look back. I am sure there other friends whom you can share time iwth. This in this way, if she thinks that whatever she had with you was nothing so why you waste your time thinking about her. Go out and enjoy your life.

Gracee your reply a) To question one- she does satisfy sometimes, mostly no. I am not sure whether I satisfy her or not. b)We used to 1-2 in a week. c) Single time before we settle dwon. d)No pre-marital sex. At present the situation is different. She is expecting so I haven't had sex with her for 6 months now. Peteraider ... I do not believe in GOD so much. I find it is beyond my comprihension. Those times when I feel sleeping away I used to call GOD to so do something which will force me not to do what I am doing. It is hard to control,sometime I do sometime I cannot. I will get this strange anxiety attack.My whole body will feel warm and sleepy or little dizzy. I have gone through all.