WoundedHeart

I feel that actions is great but just every now and then I like to hear the words as well . Is it wrong to want someone who is able to say the words " I love you ." ?

It is hard for me to get out and about because I happen to also care for a sick family member ,my brother ,who is profoundly retarded ,so the internet is like my grapevine to the world and meeting people . I thought Bob and I would be perfect because we both care for sick family members and understand that kind of life . I agree I am better off with out him . Thanks so much for everyones comments .

That is the answer I am trying to figure out . Part of it is perhaps I feel I don't deserve to be truly loved . MY inmate is the first man I have truly loved is part of it too . I may of been married 3 times but those was marriages because of pregnancy or secutiry . I made alot of mistakes in my past and readily admit it and hope I have grown beyond those mistakes . You have given me something to think about . I should explain myself a little better because my statement should of been why continue to chat on the singles site because you can exchange email addresses and such off the site because it is a free site . Why give out internet roses to another women if you are in an exclusive relationship ? She is also calling him at home because he was continuing to cut my calls short when his "sister " would beep through . Why even be on a singles site chatting wiht people if you are in an exclusive relationship . I deleted my account when we decided to be in an exclusive relationship . I have grown to accept the fact that what I want with my inmate will never be possible and I have accepted that . I was straight forward with Bob about the inmate and how we are now friends and how I promised to be with him when{if } he is executed } I love him and we was friends long before we was more and that is what I consider him now . I will never abandon him and I will be with him by his side the day he is executed { if that is what happens ] .I am fully ready to love someone unfornuate for me I keep picking the same type over and over again .....those who are emotionally unavailable . I need someone who can express how they feel and allow me to do the same but every time I tried to with Bob that wall went up . See when we first got involved, I mean with in a couple fo weeks , he was hot on me and my kids moving in with him and his Mom . I want a commitment but wasnt wanting it that soon and certainly wasnt wanting to move in with him that soon . I think Bob is better off kicked to the curb .

I just joined this board and I am really needing some help . Please don't be too harsh with me when I explain my situation, because I know it goes against socially accepted norms . In 2002 I became a pen pal with a prison inmate and we became fast friends . We communicated regularily by letters and mail and the letters flew fast and furious as the first year moved along .I discovered this was someone who I went to school with as a child ,whhen he sent me one of his little boy pictures . In 2003 ,a year later , I came to the realization that I was in love with him . I was surprised because I have yet to meet this person in person . I asked myself if it is possible to love someone I have never met before in person ? Is it possible to love someone and never be able to touch them ,hold them and be intimiate with them in a physical sense ? Is it possible to love someone who will likely only leave the prison in a pine box ? Is it possible for someone to stick by someone else , love them and know that one day it will end when he is executed ? Yes he is a death row inmate . He is an innocent death row inmate and I spent the last 4/1/2 years helping him with his case . I am not taking the inmates word on his innocence but I have done extensive investigation on his case and I have come to the conclusion that he is 100% innocent of the crimes in which he is convicted for . I have interviewed witnesses , have contact with his family and attorneys ,have seen all the files and even have his trial transcripts . Ok with that out of the way ,lets get back to the story at hand . I figured I would give a little background so you might understand better . Well I wrote and told him how I felt and how I didn't expect anything in return from him but I just wanted him to know how I was feeling . I hated the thought that he was up there totally alone thinking no one loved him when I did love him and just wanted him to know that . Well ,he confessed that he loved me too and we went from there to get me on his visitors list . It took awhile but in March 2004 I met him in person for the first time . OMG I could of just sat and looked at him for the 3 hours ,without saying a word because he just took my breath away . Every Wednesday after that I would visit and all our visits took place behind glass and on phones . I didn't care , I just wanted to see him . I know this was an unconvential relationship but this man helped me more then anyone would ever know . He loved me no matter what ,even when I did screw up . I needed that unconditional sort of love in my life because I never had it before . He helped me heal a lot of ghosts in my past and made me a much better person for it . This is the only person in my entire life that I have been able to say " I know he loves me " and believe it and feel it . I love this man so much that I can't even begin to put it in words . I love him for who he is and what I am because of him , the person I have become thanks for his patience and kindness to me . IN October 2004 we became engaged . He asked me to marry him and I said yes . We decided we didn't want to get married in a prison like ceremony so within our hearts we considered ourselves as husband and wife . I wore an engagement ring and all was well until Spetember 2005 when one of his male family members came to live with me because I have gotten very close to his family . Well I cheated ,{ I did not sleep with this person but there was sexual contact } if you really want to call it that because how can you cheat on someone you have never had contact with . This family member was a close family member and after a night of drinking he came on to me and I fell for it . He was the closest thing to my man there was and in my drunken state I closed my eyes and convinced myself it was my man and not this other person . Well my man is amazing because not only did he forgive me when I confessed ,but he still continued to love me ,unconditionally . We still continued to see each other . I ended up throwing his family member out because of other problems,{ he had drug and violence problems } and my man and I moved forward with our relationship ,trying to rebuild the trust and reestablish things . I spent a very long time beating myself up for it because I have never cheated in a relationship until them . Well in January of 2006 ,he got a break in the courts . We petitioned the court for a new trial based on actual innocence and he was granted a hearing to see if they will grant that new trial or overturn his conviction alltogether . We are still waiting to hear a decision . The Spring of 2006 I fell into a deep depression and found myself feeling extremely alone . I quit visiting as often and at the time there was no phone calls because there was ablock on my phone so our only contact was by letters . He always told me that he understood that I had certain needs and as long as he never found out he would be fine with it . The only reason why I told him about his family member was not out of guilt but I didn't think his former statement meant his family so it was only right that he knew . I decided that I just couldn't go on any longer being alone so I found myself reaching out to meet guys from the internet in chat rooms . Big Mistake although I did learn something . I realized that after 4 yrs I needed a real relationship . I came to the understanding that this prison thing was just a fantasy ,a sweet one , but I needed a real relationship . I needed someone who all I had to do was turn my head when I wanted to see them . It doesn't mean that I love my man any less ,because our love is for life but I felt perhaps I had a big enough heart to maybe one day love two men . I wrote and explained to him how I was feeling and although our relationship is still much as it was before , I still visit , I now get calls from him again ,I still write , I just no longer have to be faithful to him . He loves me so much he is willing to accept the fact that i need someone in my life for real ,because we both have come to the conclusion that justice is sometimes f#cked up and he could very well one day be executed for a crime he didnt commit . Above all else ,as he explained to me ,he wants me to be happy and he knew for awhile that I haven't been . Now that I explained all that it gets me to where I am now . I decided to give up the chatroom dating and post a personal ad on a singles site . I met a really great guy ,who I will call Bob . Bob ,while he has alot issues , is a very sweet guy . We talked on the phone for a bit and then we met . WE immediately hit it off and decided we wanted to be exclusive shortly after . Bob met my kids and he loved them and my kids loved him . I met his Mom and we got along well too . He would come and stay at my house and we have alot of the same interests . I told him about my inmate and he seemed to be cool about that to ,because I explained that my inmate and I am just friends now . He is just a friend who I happen to love very much . Things was moving along nicely and I felt like I was beginning to fall for him so I told him " I love you ." and a wall immediately went up . He said " Actions speak lounder then words and I just don't like saying those words ." I replied ' Actions are great but every now and then I need to hear the words .' I let it go at that point . Maybe I should explain about his issues , he takes care of a sick relative so he hasnt worked in several years but he does make money doing odds and ins because he is very intelligent and a freaking computer genious . Every women who he has ever been with has cheated on him , so now he feels everyone is out to get him . He feels no one has ever had a hard of a life as him and although I was feeling like his unpaid therapist , I overlooked alot . Like I have any business to judge anyone considering the life I have lived . I have been married and divorced 3 times and my last relationship was with a death row inmate so I have no right to judge anyone else . Well he started to distance himself from me and i decided to play I Spy and discovered that he was still on the singles site { I deleted my profile when we decided to be exclusive ] and he was sending internet roses to another woman . I was very hurt when I discovered that so I sent him a very loving email , I wasnt angry but hurt ,asking him where exactly I stood with him . I asked him why the distance . I went from being called sweety and being told he misses me to getting excuses when I asked if I could come and see him . Phone calls became shorter and his sister ,who he hates ,started calling every night at 11pm and of course he would have to get off the phone . Sorry a red flag immediately went up . His answer to my email was a long email that only focused on my spying and claiming the woman lives 1/2 away accross the country and is married and critically ill . Ok why in the heck would he be talking to someone like that on a singles site . He never did answer my question on where I stood with him . Well it all came to a head last Friday when he called . I found out my dad ,who I am not in contact with , died. While I am not close to my dad there was still a bunch of unresolved emotions . When I told him my dad died he said ' Oh you wasnt that close " and then proceeded to go on and on about his life his problems and his issues like no one else has problems but him . Yesterday morning , I came to the realization that I needed to end this so i sent him an email because the way he attacked me int he last email , I just didnt want to hear that on the phone . I told him I was moving on and I hoped that we could still be friends . I discovered I have spent a life time begging people to love me ,with the exception of my inmate and my children , and I feel i am better then that . I loved him ,issues and all ,but I need to move on before I am hurt any worse . I get the following email in return ." Whatever ..the distance between us has been the weather and you just want to hear too much too soon .Good luck then ......Coward ." This morning I woke up and found this in my email . **************************************************** The right time to say the ‘L’ word: love You could ruin a relationship if you blurt out, ‘I love you’ too soon, or if you’re afraid to say it. Dr. Gail Saltz tells you how to know you’re ready You’ve been dating that special someone for a couple of months, then it happens, you say that simple phrase that can make or break any relationship: “I love you.” Dr. Gail Saltz, a psychiatrist and a “Today” contributor on relationships, gives you some advice on when’s the right time to say the “L” word. It’s a romantic, even passionate moment. He’s been so giving and caring. He’s looking into your eyes, and you feel that mental and physical connection. You feel close, he gets you, and so you blurt out, “I love you.” And then he is silent. What a horrid and awkward moment. Now it all seems weird and uncomfortable. You feel humiliated. What have you done? Actually, you’ve done nothing that millions of men and women who have been swept up in the rush of deep feeling and longing for that special someone haven’t done before. Unfortunately, when one person says “I love you” and it is too soon for the other, both can retreat from the relationship altogether. The power of the “L” word is intense. It can bring such joy when two people are comfortable and ready to mean it. But it can sour a relationship, if one says it or if no one says it … ever! What does love mean anyway? Sometimes the definition is murky. When you say “I love you,” you may mean that you feel close to your boyfriend, he seems right for you, and you want a future together. He may see saying “I love you,” as meaning that you have to get married. And if he doesn’t feel obsessed with you, then he may not think that he’s in love with you. Sometimes people confuse lust and love. Having great sex is terrific, but does it mean love? Even more problematic is the person who is so uncomfortable professing their love that they’re terrified to say the “L” word. Children who grew up in a home never hearing “I love you” may have trouble with the concept of love. Or if they never heard their parents say the “L” word to each other, then they may feel uncomfortable saying it to their partners. Someone who can’t say “I love you” may have a problem with commitment. He may see love as the shackle around his ankle and just won’t go there. On the other hand, some people use the “I love you” expression to reel in a mate who really isn’t ready yet, trying to guilt them into staying put. The point is to try to wait to say “I love you” until you feel pretty certain you and your partner are on the same love page. Discuss your feelings for each other to test the waters. How do you feel about each other? Do you like spending time together? Do you see a future together? Do you feel you’re right for each other? And if you’ve said the “L” word too soon, it’s OK to say, “Oops, I blurted that out in a gooey moment and I’m not really sure I'm ready either.” That will take some of the pressure off of your partner to reciprocate his feelings at that moment. Once you’re ready to say “I love you,” say it loud and say it proud. Everyone wants to know, feel and hear they are loved. And eventually your children will learn from you how to express their love and how to mean it. **************************************************** Now I don't know what to think , whether he is just sending this to manipulate me in some way or if it is his way of really reaching out to me . Please dont be mean to me because I am basically a sensitive soul . It took alot for me to post about my inmate so please be nice . I have spent 4 yrs dealing with anger about my choice to love an inmate but that isnt what this post is about . It is trying to sort it all out and understand and learn from it and get some imput .