splashdown

I think for the moment, I'm just gonna hang back and stay friends as many of you said. I'm afraid of losing the friendship if I'm not able to return her feelings, but ah well...people come and go. Actually, in the past, I've had long-term relationships with people I didn't initially find particularly attractive, and in fact did grow to find them extremely attractive as my feelings for them grew. But I think in this case it's probably not gonna happen, sadly, since she's so great otherwise.

Yes, it does make you appear desperate. Which isn't, in and of itself, necessarily a bad thing. But (i'm assuming here that you are quite young...possibly a teenager?) there are *plenty* of fish in the sea, if you catch my drift. You love her, but she has put you into 'friend' status. It's nearly impossible to get out of 'friend' status once you're in. So, it's time to cast your net back into the ocean, and find another fish, my friend. In time you'll wonder what you saw in her...

No, I was referring to the Bible verse about the mote and the...oh forget it... Good. You shouldn't have to. Just don't be surprised if your boyfriend has had "experiences". Of course. No-one said anything different. Good, you shouldn't have to apologize. I think, perhaps, that you are self-deluded. It's gone on since the birth of humankind. Not everyone does it, but a lot do. Why is a girl coming on to you so frightening to you? It's not like you're obligated to respond in any way. Just say "thanks, but no thanks" and move on. When I've been hit on by guys, I don't take it personally. I just say "thanks, I'm not gay" and go on with my day. No big deal.

Hold on. First off, I don't have any hard data on this subject. I've done some cursory Google searches, and haven't come up with anything yet, but I'm at work. I'll do some more later. All I was saying was that I've known lots of (straight) men who've had, shall we say, experiences in their past. This is nothing to be ashamed of, and is, I believe, quite common. Second, if you read the thread, please note that I have no trouble with women having as many partners as they choose (assuming there's no deception or cheating on a relationship involved). I think it's fine for women to enjoy sex as much as any man, and to have it whenever they like. And, yes, it's fine for men to have "experiences" or to be bi-sexual or whatever. I am, personally, tolerant of all choices. Again, my position is that it's "OK" to be whatever you choose. You are making the quite common error that someone who experiments is gay. Nothing could be further from the truth. Lots of women try out sex with other women, and are not in any sense "gay". Same with men. I make no judgments whatsoever. You, however, are making lots of judgments about other people's sexuality, so I'd be checking the beam in your own eye first.

lucky... (contentless message to workaround the minimum character limit)

OK, here's the setup: I recently (a little over a month ago) broke up with my longtime gf. It's been a long hard slog, but we're finally and forever broken up. And as it turns out, my heartbreak at first has turned into first, indifference, and now active indifference of my ex-. I am not pining for her, I have no feelings about her one way or the other. (I'm setting this up so that you'll know that my problem is not related to my ex-gf...that I'm not in any way carrying a torch for her). My problem is thus: I have this friend who I have known for many years. She and I have gone from active friendship to dormant for periods, but I've always cared about her and wished her well, even during times when we were out of touch. Recently (about three months or so), we've gotten back in touch and spent a lot of time together (especially in the last month or so). She's let me know, rather boldly, that she has feelings for me. She has no bf at the moment. The thing is, this woman is absolutely perfect for me in almost every way. She's funny, sarcastic, un-needy & un-clingy, fun to be around, and just in general a warm and caring person. Almost anyone would be lucky to have her in their life. The problem is...I'm just not attracted her physically. I don't find her unattractive, in fact she's quite beautiful...it's just that she's not at all the "type" I'm usually interested in. I know this sounds sort of shallow, but there it is. And I can't seem to get past it. I mean, I wasn't considering dating her right now. I've just gotten out of a LTR, and even though I'm over my ex-, I just feel that I need more time to get past some of the baggage from that relationship. But, this other woman is so perfect for me (personality-wise) that I don't want to give up on it. So, I turn to you, the ENA community. Is there any way (or has anyone ever) gotten past physical issues like this? I would be so happy with her, except for this minor problem. Thanks!

This is the easiest bit of advice to give so far on this board: Leave him. He's bi-polar and unmedicated, he drinks, he's getting pictures of boobs, he's going to a site called "affairfinder"...i mean, does it get any easier?

Probably around the Saturn Returns time...28-31, I think (I do not believe in astrology, but sometimes astrologers are good at pinning down human nature). That's about the time it happened for me. That is, I felt ready...it doesn't, of course, always work out. I think you always want to meet the "right" person. But since there are so many almost "right" people, I think probably at some point you start to settle for less the perfect. Sure. Of course. I imagine sometimes they realize that what they had in the past wasn't perfect perfect, but after awhile you realize you've been watching too many movies, and settle for "close enough".

Sounds to me like the interest may be cooling a bit. Can't say for sure if he's a "player", but he may be interested in someone else. Why haven't you dated each other more? Live too far, or just too busy?

Maybe I'm behind on the jargon, but what do you mean by "talking to"? Are you dating or just talking?

I think this is a fair point, and one I had overlooked. There is a stigma from many men (and some women, though all the ones I know seems to be into it) towards men who have experimented with alternate sexualities. And I think the number of men who have, either when they were pre-teens, teens or later, would be staggering. In fact, I daresay it'd be a majority.

Totally. And probably another woman would be able to give better advice on how to effectively say no than crusty old me. What I hate to see is people getting down on themselves for what they did in their past. From my own experience, all that does is lead to further poor decisions. My only advice is, don't focus on what happened in the past and make yourself feel worthless, focus on what you can do to change the future. End my two cents

I think the important question is not why you sleep around, but why you feel, as you say, "disgusted with yourself". Sex is not, in and of itself, wrong and it's no reason for shame. You did what you did. If you don't like doing it, then don't continue, but there's no reason at all to beat yourself up for it.

Jesus. You're saying (if I understand correctly) that women stigmatize themselves by not answering honestly, yet you refuse to acknowledge that an external and independent stigmatization exists. I don't disagree that honesty is the best policy. It is in most cases. The part of your argument that troubles me is that you seem to be trying to shift the blame for the stigma from where it belongs (the accuser and societal disapproval) to where it doesn't (the accusee). Once again, women who have had many partners are not stigmatizing themselves. They are the 'victims' (if you will) of an unfair stigmatization that is imposed on them by society. (And I'd just like to say that I, personally, am in favor of all women sleeping around! )