mrmaximum

A whole slew of choices can be made rather than cheating so I agree that it's never a goo recourse. I also don't think the "I was sauced" excuse holds water. I've known people who where three sheets to the wind who STILL got themselves out of compromising positions when they presented themselves. It all depends on what you find important, right? If she was attacked and raped, that is a different story than simply getting drunk and one thing leading to another.

And to this day I still wonder why my father cheated on my mother and my ex cheated on me. They said their 'I love you's" so why do this? Those are the questions we are left with after the fact as we try to put the pieces back together. I'm very sorry that this was put upon you and that someone who you figured was your rock turned out to be such a disappointment. There are some things that we will never understand, and maybe, it's simply better that way. If you need somewhere to vent or an ear, we're here for you, just a click away, yeah?

That is the stage where I and my wife are at. If cheating occurs, this for us is an automatic dealbreaker and we both made that clear to each other right at the start of our relationship. I think it was Agent who was surprised that more people don't discuss infidelty and their rules in regards to it but for some it is a morbid topic and one that most probably figure is common sense anyway. Did I wish hateful things on my ex, for a while, yes. However, given enough time I simply let things go. I highly doubt it healthy to hang onto such anger for any serious length of time. Like CS stated earlier, I wasn't perfect, not by a long shot but I was trying to make things right toward the end. Cs and Jen, you've made some great points in terms of the attitude one has after the event, and yes, infidelity isn't necessarily the end. Some can and do make it past and I applaud the ones that do. This was precisely the reason why I took my ex back because she was sorry for what she did and she told me as soon as she possibly could. I felt that I could trust her again by her actions and they where saying quite a bit in her defense. The rest of the relationship didn't go so smoothly but that is a tale for another time. Yeah, every case must be dealt with differently, sometimes the BS is simply the biggest jerk (or jerkette) the world has every seen and the relationship should end anyway for all parties involved (including kids). Or maybe the BS is simply using the affair as leverage to abuse or bully the WS. Once again, this isn't fair either. All factors must be weighed before a choice is made. The factor for me is that I simply don't want to live the rest of my life looking over my shoulder and wondering and my wife feels the exact same way. That factor is the deciding one for me, however, this is the one for me and everyone is different, yeah?

Mr. Nichol was actually my ninth grade Health Teacher. He was there for co-op so he hadn't gotten his teaching diploma at the time and he was with us only for half the semester. It had quite the affect on me and I've never forgotten it.

Yup, I too wasn't blameless when my ex cheated on me a few years ago. Yes it takes two to tango and I will be the first to say that about myself as well. However, just like you stated CS, how are you supposed to fix something that one person essentially is denying? Not only is justiying their actions placing responsibility on somoene else, but is also is insinuating that what they did wasn't even wrong and acceptable because of the circumstances. If that is the case then how is the relationship ever supposed to heal from that? It essentially means that one must keep the other chaste and watch their P's and Q's to do so. I came accross someone like this a few years ago and I did feel for them. Thinking about how to keep their SO from stepping out again while being the sole breadwinner in the family and thinking about saving for the post secondary educations of both their kids. Not fun, not fun at all. JennyNifer, I'm sorry to hear that your SO has moved on. It somewhat bothersome when you hear about people giving their WS another chance while they are still in contract with the OW/OM or are showing no remorse for their choices and here you are understanding it and it may be over. I hope your fortunes change, you never know, yeah?

I give you HUGE props for this!!! Not many people who have done the act are willing to say those words!! At least you and your SO have some ground you can now work from, a BS who gets the; "I don't know why I did what I did!" has no idea how to stop a relapse as they have no idea why it occurred in the first place!!! It takes huge cojones to admit to your part in the problem, you are only the second person to admit to this that I have ever come accross and AI have indeed come accross quite a few. Kudos to you, you have come quite a ways just with this post!!!

Man or woman, they don't want to tell you. What she is doing is self preservation, plain and simple. If she told you why she did, she feels like you would leave. "I don't know" works for young kids, not adults, there is now way that there was no thoughts in her head whatsoever as the affair transpired. Your left asking why so you can try to rebuild but there may not be a relationship left to save if she discloses everything. Just another reason why people who want to have LTR shouldn't cheat. I feel for you ttran, it sucks being in that sitch, and I hope you get past it.

Well Dove, JennyNifer I'll start with Eire1's quote as it works well. The bottom line is this, you will have quite the amount of mending to do. If there where problems prior to you stepping out they too will have to be dealt with, but to repair the foundation of your relationships you are going to have to lose some privacy for a while. Your're going to have to open your life up, schedule, cell phone, email, passwords, the whole enchilada. Your SO's at this point are very fragile right now and have to know that you are trustworthy, this time your word means nothing and your actions everything. Just like Eire put it, you will have to plead and beg for them not to bounce. Whatever they ask you will have to do. If they want to know where you are, you need to tell them. If you are going to come home at a certain time, BE EARLY. You no longer have the luxury of being late and not having them lose their minds in the meantime. It may mean no more girls nights out (and this advice woud be the same for men aswell) for the time being and possibly for a long time. It may seem strenous and tedious at times having him look over your shoulder like you are an irresposible child, but this is the 'payment' so to speak when looking for free love. Call it an amusement tax if you will, the price is high, but no matter what you think you have to pay, your SO is paying a much higher price. This may also mean in the future that you may never be allowed to have any male friends. I don't know your story so I couldn't even infer what your SO's may even ask of you, but I can indeed tell you that some of your previous 'rights' have been temporarily revoked and some others will be permanently so. If you want to stay with them, you may have no choice but to agree. Remember, in your heart of hearts you may never cheat again, but your SO's are trying to prevent what I like to call the "Terminal Precedent". It simply means; "How do I take back my WS without them thinking that they got away with murder and doing it again." YOU know that you will never cheat again, but they will NEVER be 100% sure of that. No one can read minds, all we have are people's actions and they say quite a bit!! All the words in the world will never convince them otherwise, all you have is your commitment to whatever they ask for reconcilliation. One last thing, do not EVER complain about what he is putting your through unless he is asking you utterly ridiculous things. This is the only way for him to find a way to trust you once more as your honesty has been called into very serious judgemet. Any complaints will be viewed as selfish and not true commitment to reconcilliation. I hope you have learned a valuable lesson in this that gambling with your relationship in this manner is only a lose-lose situation. If you came clean with your SO's then I give you props. Others may disagree with me but there are quite a few people who will look at that as a way of seeking pennace for what has been done. To show that you are truly sorry and want you both to make ammends. This is the biggest reason why I took my ex back and it did mean a lot to me at the time. If they had to find out on their own, you may already be sunk. No one can keep an eye on their SO's 24/7. I do wish you good luck.

The stats can vary from where you get it. I've seen then as high as 70% men and 55% women and as low as 35% men and 20% women. I've heard the latter quoted on Oprah and then 'confirmed' if you will from a site I find somewhat reasonable. One more item of note, men tend to inflate their numbers where women tend to delate theirs so an accutate number is possibly much closer that what is represented here. I'm not saying that they are correct, but they do seem to be more reasonable than the former numbers which seem a little high. Lots of good posts here, very true that it can be dangerous to generalize, it isn't fair to anyone, not even yourself.

I too took back my cheating ex, it was at a time in our relationship where things where going pretty well. Then things slowly began to erode into a really harsh reality where I was the last in the pecking order behind the mouse in the wall. I don't have proof that she was cheating on me again, but I do have some clues here and there. I had no choice but to leave, as much as it hurt her three kids to see the back of my head that last time, it wasn't worth it for me to be treated like a throw rug!! I'm somewhat like raykay as my father cheated on my mother twice and that pretty much cemented my feelings on cheating, it hurts, it's unnecesary, and IT IS A CHOICE. The one thing that people have to realize is that the whole idea of marriages thriving after infidleity isn't realistic. Sure there are some that can make it, TechResQ is a great example, but as you can tell from all the posts here so far that this is actually the exception, and not the rule. This is why I respect all who stay and try to work it out, but I ALWAYS recomend leaving. Trust NEVER returns 100% after infidelity!!

Either that or with one's psyche. There arr still those that cheat when their spouse is being reasonable.

My conscience would kill me to no end, no thanks!! However, if I did I'd rather my wife (most likely soon to be ex) heard it from me than from someone else. I've said it a million times, if your SO hears if from somewhere else, they will find it hard to accept your answer of "I didn't tell you to protect you!"

I agree with this 100%, that's dodging a major bullet, and shows that you really feel for her and your marriage. That you shouldn't have to intimidate the one you love in order for them to met your needs. However, I agree with Jaded, times are desperate and something needs to be done!! I do remember a post about a man in a similar sitch on another forum. He basically put his foot down and told his wife (not screamed but just sat her down and told her) that they weren't meeting each other's needs and something had to be done. They listed what the other wanted and went to work, of course she slipped right back into complacency and he sat her down again, while still meeting her needs. He repeated himself and then of course she slipped again. Then he sat her down one last time and told her that he found this current situation un accepatable and that he couldn't stay in a marriage like this. According to him, that woke her up and things had changed. Rob, you wife more than likely loves you but she's gotten into a rut, which most marriages are going to find themselves in at one time or another, the crime is that she isn't listenning to your repeated warnings and cries for help. She's not doing this out of spite or hatred, she just got comfortable more than likely. Once again, Jaded's right, she needs a drastic wake up call before things get ugly. Good job on talking to your mates about the sitch, they do know you and your wife better than we do and may provide insight on the best course of action. Please don't give up and keep us posted on how things transpire. Good Luck and God Bless

Things may not be black and white and you're right that it's easier said than done, but something must happen before a drastic situation occurs, one where there may be no going back!! Your wife is neglecting your needs, you love her, that is admirable, what she has to understand is what she is doing to you and in turn your marriage. Even if you can withstand the temptation (and there are those that can for some 'inhuman' lengths of time) resentment will build between you and your wife and this may cause the end of your relationship anyway. As it stands you are willing to 'ignore' the problem in order to accept your wife the way she is. You sound very intelligent so I figure I don't need to tell you that this a ticking time bomb. You have told her and she refuses to do anything about it. If you want to improve the chances of the longevity of your marriage, you need to get your wife's attention. I have said this countless times, but I have seen this work. Move into a buddies house to tell your wife that you aren't kidding. She NEEDS to understand that this is unacceptable and that you will no longer tolerate this from her. If you do nothing, she will then be like other BS's who didn't think that anything was wrong, something is wrong and she needs to know that!! I implore you not to just sit idly by and do nothing proactive to solve this problem which needs a solution!! You aren't being heard because she thinks that you will complain, then go silent and this is just a pattern that she doesn't need to pay attention to. Sometimes you have to scream just to be heard!! You may want to start your own thread to invite other people's opinions on this topic, there may be a chance that things can get mended, but you have to go after it. It's not black and white, nevertheless things must be done. Good Luck and God Bless

I've never heard that before, but when you consider it, it's obvious its very true!! Thank you for posting this, every married person should know this bit of info, NEVER take your SO for granted, and when it happens (which it will) LISTEN when they talk to you!!! I'm putting this in my little book of memorable posts!!