Fatpot
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^Thanks mate! Time to put my cards on the table, This is the truth, no lies, no fables, I have a problem with spending money, Money I don't have and money I spend blindly, I do it to fill a hole deep inside me, And I sometimes wonder how I can do it so calmly, Dropping hundreds of dollars without thinking twice, Pulling the trigger on purchases cold as ice, Don't even stop to think about how this is nice, Just buying non-stop to feed my vice, Now I'm aware and this ends tonight, Tomorrow is a new day, a new fight, End of the tunnel I can see the light, Out of the hole not quite, But I'm climbing, climbing now with all my might.
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I've been sedentary for too long, Like too many hits from a bong, Every day is like a same old song, Time to change before time is gone, I've been in a slumber my mind is lazy, But now that I've been jolted awake, I'm ready, Going to grab those goals with my hand steady, And take life seriously, meticulously, ridiculously.
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Haven't written in a long time, So this poem might be incoherent, But my feelings are clear, And my thoughts are fluent, On my quest to be a better person, I know I've slipped up many times, But the drive in me never stops, It climbs, The mind is dysfunctional, Poisoned by society, A dark muse for our ego, An enemy to sobriety, I want to be a better person, Burn bridges no more, I want friends not enemies, Be rich in the heart even if I'm poor, To change myself as a whole is a journey but, I'll never forget a saying by a teacher of mine, How do you eat an elephant? One piece at a time.
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As I listen to a familiar tune, My mind is shadowed by the darker side of a familiar moon, And I travel back in time to the days where it didn't make sense, Where I think about things at my sanity's expense. Letting out a sigh, All too familiar, I wonder why I'm back again, To a place I've left behind. I can't forget my past, Nor should I try, Because it's what made me strong, The present is where I belong. As the familiar tune ends in a familiar way, I run out of things to say, And move on with my night, Another day, another fight.
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For nearly two years, I battled with severe depression. It got to the point where I set a date to kill myself. I was broken, I was at the end of my rope, and I was ready to go. However, a good friend of mine stuck with me through the whole thing, supported me, carried me through the whole ordeal. Throughout these past two years I've been posting in the poetry section and I thank everybody that supported me. This is the final poem I'm writing and I hope I didn't prolong my stay in these forums for too long. Thank you everybody and I hope, no, I know there will be better times ahead. "Better times ahead" By: Fatpot What a haze, What a daze, What a phase, As I listen to this song, I wonder what went wrong, Going through thick and thin, To find the answer deep within, Now it's fine and we're all doing good, I can only knock on wood, Hoping that we'll never go through that again, Twiddling our thumbs wondering when, I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it, Don't get me wrong though, I'm not going to revisit, It's just that it was such a journey, Could've ended up on a gurney, I'll never forget what you said that day, I know it was hard, you were trying to find a way, To toss me some hope and that maybe I'll hang on, Counting the days before I was to be gone, I miss those days man, I really do and I really don't, But there are better times ahead, There are better times ahead.
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"Silver Skies Erase Blue Sighs" By: Fatpot Silver skies erase blue sighs, Year after year, I become more wise, To think that I'm smiling again, To feel like I'm a free man, Like a bird that's finally spread its wings, Like a parent embracing its newborn offspring, There's nothing better than this, Nothing.
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"Late" By: Fatpot Anxiety washes over me all of a sudden, What's wrong? Why is my mind in caution? One day I'll wake up and I'll be forty, And I'm going to wonder where my life has gone. I never thought that it'd come to this, Something had gone amiss, Already regretting things I haven't done, Already lost before I've won. Of course this is just another chapter in my life, Perhaps next time I'll find myself a wife, Or maybe I won't and I'll just rot alone, Disappear from this world unknown. Now I'm in fear, Time becomes merciless year after year, I can't go back, It's too late.
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Ellie, I know this is also getting redudant, but thank you for your support. --------------- "Pang" Pt.1 By: Fatpot I barely remember your voice, I barely remember your smile, I can barely picture you in my head, Dad, sixteen years is a long while. Where have you been? Are you still alive? I think you're already dead, where's your tombstone? Last time we met you gave me some pictures, I put them in the trashcan with a frustrated groan. I knew you were leaving for good that day, But I couldn't keep those pictures, They were going to be torn apart anyways, So I ended it before anyone else suffered. They told me you started a new family elsewhere, I told them I didn't care, And they also told me you had lung cancer, That, I thought was a bit unfair. It's been sixteen years, Dad, And I realize that you're not coming back, Maybe one day I'll visit our last standing memory, That place where the horses made you lose track.
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I can't shake this weird feeling, Listening to this song, staring at the ceiling, All I do is sigh, All I do is wish these thoughts goodbye.
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"Urges" By: Fatpot Tonight I drove and I drove far, I drove to the place that is filled with tar, Or so it appeared to be at the time, For night was truly at its prime. I didn't have much, so I made it quick, I sat near the endless void, still like a brick, I shook when the cold breeze hit me, I began to fear the end; I really wasn't ready. To think that I'll be here again soon, Perhaps it'll be better sometime during noon, At least it'll be bright and I'll be able to see, I'll be able to see what's become of me. So that was it and I promptly drove home, I drove fast and I didn't roam, I didn't think nor did I feel, I only questioned if any of this was real.
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So I'm seeing a shrink now Ellie......it's not helping much, but I'll keep trying
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"Four" By: Fatpot My shrink told me something interesting the other week, Says the problem isn't with the drugs I seek, But that I sealed my feelings of joy in a jar, A jar that tantalizes me from afar. I found this funny, but awfully true, It explains why I can't escape this dark shade of blue, So I guess the question here is why? Sorry, but if I knew the answer, I wouldn't have wanted to die. Life is mundane as it was back then, Wanted to feel free ever since I turned ten, She asked me what I meant by feeling free, I couldn't really explain it, but it's something like being on E. She told me to visualize a prison in my mind, Picture these chains attached to me that I can't unbind, Then realize that those chains were set by me, And that I was the one who threw away the key. Those words struck me like the thunder of Thor, I was curious, I really wanted to know more, But time was up so she left it at that, Scheduled me next week for another chat.
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"DeBrain" By: Fatpot With every beat my heart makes, My brain screams “O’ for * * * * sakes!” Why are you still breathing son? Didn’t you already have a good run? I say it’s not time yet, no, My brain tells me I’m done; just go, I’m fighting an endless war in my head, Writing in the dark, lying on my bed. Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump, Jump, Jump, Jump, Jump, I know you want to, You know you want to. Get it over with and we’ll be done, Who cares, we’ve had our fun, This is the only way Den, Close your eyes, count to ten. Wait hold on, what am I thinking? You’re not thinking, you’re sinking, Sinking into this * * * * you’ve made, Feel emptier; begin to fade. No, I’m not letting you control me, I can fight, I can win, you’ll see, Ah, but it’s too late for you to try, You’re already beginning to fret and sigh. I won’t give up; no I won’t, Courage eh? Oh no you don’t, You’ve tried it before and what? All you gained was an empty feeling in your gut. Don’t bother trying to erase me now, Don’t fight me now, I’ve already become you, Fighting me means fighting you too. You got nothing to say to me anymore? Accepted that there’s nothing worth fighting for? Good, listen to me and never disobey me, Disobey me and you’re lost at sea. This * * * *er screams at me everyday, When I’m bored, sitting there, got nothing to say, Sometimes I just ignore him, But sometimes I act on a whim. Sometimes I think he’s right, I mean, when’s the last time I’ve seen the light? But sometimes I know it’s just me, * * * * just gets too hazy, hard to see. I don’t know if I’ll ever be free, Maybe I’ll just sit back and see, But that’s how it wants to be done, And if that’s the case, it’s already won.
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"Brief" By: Fatpot Remembering those moments in life, Where I looked up at the sky and smiled, Wishing the day would never end, I let my thoughts run wild. It's funny how clouded my days usually are, I tend to forget that there are good times too, Probably because they are so rare, But that's ok as long as I still have a clue.
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"Caving Pt1&2" By: Fatpot I've been battling a certain demon for a year long, Trying my best to stay up and stand strong, But lately I've been wondering what's the use, There'll come a day when I cave and won't refuse. So why can't that day be today? I mean, it's going to happen anyway, So why can't that day be today? No more teasing, no more foreplay. Let me cave and quiver in ecstasy, Let that demon become one with me. -------------------------------------------------------------- Apparently I've been living in a twilight zone, Everyday is the same day no matter what I do, Can never dial the right numbers on my cell phone, Kind of reminds me of that silly curfew. Everything I do is pointless, Because in the end my mind resets, Life really has no purpose, Might as well cave with no regrets. Since caving is all that I think about, Might as well go back to being a burnout.
