Nappy

DazzednConfused - What happened? I just read this thread that was started almost a year ago. What happened to you guys?

I think a lot of times our imagination plays with us....But it doesn't seem to be the case here. He tells her things he doesn't tell you, he gives her gifts and not you, he tells her I love you and not you.... Just not right... Was he friends with your best friend before being friends with you? Have they been friends for a long time? To be honest - I think it is strange when friends of the opposite sex tell each other I love you. Okay, yes, so it might be said during a tough time in someone's life and you want to be there for them. But really, telling a friend of the opposite sex I love you as an everday thing...Or during times that you would normally say that to a gf/bf...for example when you say goodbye for the day....Just is strange if you are in a relationship with someone else. I really don't know many that say it while single either. I would really have a conversation with him. Tell him it bothers you and tell him how it makes you feel. If he minimizes how you feel...Well, let him know that something needs to change. You're not going to stop feeling like this...So it's either a change or maybe it's not the best situation for you. Ask him how it would make him feel if he was in your shoes. If he says he wouldn't care - Well you'll have to ask yourself if you want to be with someone that shows more attention, affection, feelings for someoen else rather than you. Someoen else can give you what you want if he can't. And then, I would have a conversation with your best friend. That is your best friend - She should not be partaking in this. She should have known to tone it down and respect that you are in a relationship. Are you in love with him? How long have you been dating?

We all have insecurities no matter how confident. So I suppose that is why jealousy is normal - It's just when you allow it to eat you up is when it becomes a problem. I've learned a lot about myself in the past 3 months of which I'm not too happy about. As it turns out, I'm quite insecure. And I find myself jealous of things that I'm not too sure if I should be jealous about. My bf has a friend who happens to be his good friend's sister - So he's friends with her via her brother. She is very jolly, outgoing, and warm. He told me that the thing that attracted him to me when we were beginning to turn our friendship into more is that I seemed genuinely happy. Well, he later learned that I've been through a lot and am a normal gal that keeps it as positive as she can. So, when I see him interact with her, well, I worry. He has said that she makes him feel good. I don't know, that doesn't seem like a good sign. He is extremely excited for her return from abroad, and really lights up when he gets to talk to her. We had a convo about my insecurities and I mentioned her in passing, really didn't put much emphasis on her, just happened to list his main gal friends in a thought. And well, he focused a lot on explaining her off all on his own. He said "She's unique, she makes you feel good..." and then eventually he seemed to get frustrated in his own thoughts and said "I can't explain it." Maybe he loves her in a non-romantic way and he didn't want to say that? Or maybe he does have feelings for her, he just has never allowed himself to feel it? (which is classicaly him - not allowing himself to feel a certain way) What got me to worry more is that after that convo - Well, he didn't open her subsequent emails (yes I snooped, I know, bad). She sent two updates to all her friends - And usually he opens those. It's been a month and he still hasn't opened them. The other day I was on his comp talking to a friend through my bf's screen name - She messaged him and so I spoke to her, basically every time we all hang out together so it was normal for us to chat it up. When he asked who it was I told him - And he said "Oh." And that was it. Now, these two behaviors are classic behaviors of him to do if he wants to prevent something. The second one...Well, maybe he knows I wonder about his relationship with her so he didn't want to seem excited in order to protect me from being hurt by his excitement. I can understand being happy - But his excitement is the most excitement he ever has for anyone. I trust him - I know he would never actually DO anything. But I wonder and worry about his feelings for her. I really don't want to feel like the person I'm with doesn't have all feelings for me... or be the one that is preventing him from feeling for someone else that he does have feelings for. I've already told him - If he begins to really have feelings for someone else - Well tell me. Which at that point I simply wouldn't be able to handle and be gone. I just don't want to be in a relationship with someone that has to suppress their feelings for someone else. I understand we all eventually become attracted to another at one point in a LTR....But, feelings, that's something else entirely. Any thoughts?

Batya33....Great original post....Great advice. I too have experienced the problem with my boyfriend....Though we are often reminded that men are different in this respect....I do forget and sometimes think it's just him, that maybe we don't work well together. The thing is, we work great together. We are very similar people, he is just at one extreme and I am somewhere in the middle. We are both reserved, quiet people. I just happen to be able to communicate with people and have things to talk about with them. Basically, I have better social skills than he does, I am more talkative....Though I still do keep my comments to a minimum compared to other people. For 3.5 years, whenever I felt a gap my solution was, "What are you thinking about?" Not the greatest solution, but it was on my mind...I wanted to know what he was thinking about. It was my way of gettting him to talk about his thoughts more. For me, I just want to learn even more about him...His thoughts, dreams, goals, opinions...opinions being key...He doesn't really express his opinions on things...Not sure if that's the non-judgmental side of him coming out or what since it doesn't have to do with specific pple. He's not very opinionated...And he views the fact that I'm opinionated as stubbornness sometimes. Yes I can be stubborn, but sometimes it's just my opinion and beliefs that come out. Last night I tried, you ask me a question and I'll ask you another. Not sure if he really enjoyed that one, but he played along...Actually found out a lot about his opinions on relationships, attraction, what he considers to be cheating vs. unfaithful (we just got back into our relationship after a 4 month break...so it's like we're starting new since we had different experiences while apart...we are each other's first relationship/serious) It was good...But still, I felt like it was so forced. Why should I have to resort to a game in order to get him to open up to his opinions/feelings on things? But I guess that's just a guy for you. Batya33...It was good to hear what you said...Really needed that. I guess I have some work to do on how to speak his language....It's not just that guys need to learn to speak our language. By the way, he hates that question..."What are you thinking about?" It's become a joke for us...But he does hate it. I try getting him to talk about things by explaining situations that my friends get into to see what his take is on it as a hypothetical. Even though I don't always name the person I'm talking about - It probably doesn't help that I'm coming to him with the details of someone else's life. Alright note to self, ALWAYS delete name. Anyhow, I think this was a very important thread - Makes us girls see the light and see that we need to learn the guys language as well. What's a good way to message thoughts/feelings out? Any more subtle ways someoen can think of?

HUG! Congrats on Day 50 - That is HUGE! Great job!

I apologize to all the males here - The "All Men Are Pigs" comment - I was upset and angry at the situation. I know you are not all like that - And the truth is - My bf isn't like that either. We reconciled at the very end of December....So it's been 1.5 months now. So we're still in the beginning stages. He has expressed that he is getting better and has lately been more in love with me than he has been in a while....Meaning, he's falling back in love. I definitely have to look at it more as I was the dumper. The thing is that we both took the break up differently. I never stopped loving him, in fact my feelings just got stronger. I never intended to stop loving him actually....I just needed a break. At the time, I wanted to make it as clear cut as possible for the both of us as I thought it was best to do it that way, and really the only way to do it. So, when we had "the talk" I broke up with him fully. I just didn't want to risk me meeting someone and then breaking him even more....I didn't think it was fair. And, I just had the desire to be free for a moment. I found myself unattracted to him....The relationship just was at a boring place. We had gone through so many of these ups and downs and I thought to myself...Well, maybe I waited too long. As you can see, I was confused and I didn't ride out the down that time around. I gave up too quickly and abruptly. We had just gone through an up....And this time the down was the worst it had ever been, and I didn't ride it out even though I knew I still wanted a future with him. It was our first relationship, I thought having some experience before gettting married would be good for us....Thinking we'd end up together in the end...I didn't really think it could drive us apart. He took it very differently. He was heartbroken, depressed, everything that comes with that. But he accepted it and worked on himself, working on moving on. He decided that should we in a couple years find that we still love each other, that we would get back together. But the thing is, things really aren't as simple as that. New people enter your life, you move on, you make the new relationship work just as much as you worked on your first. If that first person is still in your life as a friend....Well then your feelings and attractions probably don't arise again as you've been through so much in between. I guess what I really struggle with is the fact that we reconciled just as he was about to start making a true effort to date this new girl.....Well, atleast allow himself to continue developing feelings for her....Because she did have a boyfriend. She had mentioned to him that she was on the outs with her boyfriend, so he probably was going to wait for that day since he noticed a mutual attraction. He tells me he didn't want a relationship, he just wanted to date her....They were already friends so I don't quite see how he could randomly date her. He was planning on spending time with her as a friend while being attracted to her - I just see that leading to one thing - A serious relationship - He doesn't seem to see it that way. Anyhow, I can't help but think that he would fall in love with her. I know that people can fall in love with more than one person...Obviously...But I guess I never thought that he could fall in love with another....Because I felt that I couldn't, He was IT for me. I met her this past weekend actually...He wanted me to be there for him after class. I wasn't quite sure which one she was going to be....So naturally I looked at each female and....well, i judged each one...I would say I feel badly, but anyone would do that. She was the first to come out of class so the judging started with her....My exact thoughts were, "Okay, woah, ugly, a toothpick, no womanly attributes to her physique, looks quite young, could be her, could not." The only other females were two ladies in their 40s and another girl that he had mentioned to me with another name, So I narrowed it down very easily. I still wasn't quite sure, because she could have easily missed class that day. A couple of us, including her, stayed and talked. She came off as quite shy and insecure...She seemed intimidated by me actually. My bf didn't introduce us...Because well, that's just him...Not the most socially aware guy. I didn't get a good feel for her personality because she really didn't say anything or add anything to the conversation - But what I did get from her is that she definitely comes off as YOUNG (emotionally, place in life, naive, etc), shy, and insecure. So based on the fact that she seemed to be uncomfortable....She definitely was attracted to him and was transitioning to him from her relationship. So besides wit...I think what attracted him to her is that he feels like a man with that kind of a gal...Felt like he was wiser and could teach her more about life or whatnot. He definitely doesn't have that with me...Because I definitely have more life experience than him....I'm not naive, generally speaking....And though he does feel like my protector, He knows I'm by no means weak and in NEED of that...I'm just stronger minded I suppose....Not sure if that would make a guy feel like less of a man. So, the girl is not a threat in the sense of - He found a good/better catch. I know it could have been a lot worse. But no matter who that person is...It still is bothersome because of the plain fact that there were feelings there...Or atleast an attraction. If there is nothing visual there (face, body, neither)...It makes you wonder about who that person is and what it was that he liked about her....Especially since they seem to be so different from you. I guess I just have this idealistic view that if you love someone or if it is true love....You can't have a sincere attraction for someone. I guess I would have preferred if the attraction had worn off naturally rather than out of respect for a relationship you have just re-entered. Bahhh...I have to find a way to get over it, I know this. Because, I do want to spend my life with him, I want him to be the father of my children, I want him to be the person I share everything with, I want to marry him one day. So yes, I do want a future with him. I waited to talk to him about gettting back together until I was certain. That was what the breakup did for me...It made me certain. He's been great. He is spending his weekends with me, we are finding fun things to do together, he is falling back in love. I know that time will tell if he falls totally and completely back in love. I don't mind that....Because that time will also let me know if he is the man for me. Afterall, if I'm not the one for him...Well, then, he must not be the one for me....As heartbreaking as that may be.

Getting back together is not all roses....At least in my case... Basically, I was the dumper....Got back together 4 months later....He was attracted to someone else, but chose me.... Now, he's a pig just like every man.... I don't know if anyone has gotten back together under those circumstances but I'm starting to really REALLY see just how bad those circumstances can be. Yes he chose me...But since we hung out just as often as a newly broken up couple as we did as a full on committed couple....Well, it feels as though I've been cheated on. We were each other's first relationship. He was my first lover, I was his first everything. According to him, I still am the only person he has ever kissed, had sex with, etc....And I do trust him on that...That's not the issue. The issue is in that one of his qualities that made him so special to me is now gone. We were in a bubble, and he totally came out of it. He use to be the guy that would never allow himself or even accidentally become attracted to another person while in a relationship. Now, I've noticed a big change in him. While in a relationship with me now...He checks other girls out, He would become attracted (not just see someone and think they are good looking...But actually be ATTRACTED to them and who they are more than a friend) to another, he focuses very much on the physical (boobs, * * *, whatever....not to say that I'm not attractive because he is extremely attracted to me...he just never focused on those things with all females...He wouldn't let himself)....He's yet another guy in this world. I was his world...Now he's stepped into the "man's world." Now, I know that any other guy I would meet would be like this....But this quality of his was one of the things that made him so special. I guess now when he comments on my physical attributes, emotional attributes, personality etc. (more so the physical though) it just doesn't mean anything to me. Yes he may appreciate me physically...But he would just so easily anybody else. I understand that any other guy I find would be like this....But this quality of his that was so special to me is now gone....I'm dating a new person, one I'm just not use to in him. I know what you may think - Wake up and smell the coffee girly, it's reality. I'm just venting my feelings as to where I am right now and what I'm seeing happening. I guess that is part of the reason that he can't say that he is fully committed to me. Because the thing is, he does love me, he does see himself spending his life with me as he eludes to children, places we'll live, etc. But I'm beginning to see that the reason he doesn't feel that he can say that he is 100% committed is because right now he is still somewhat in single mode where he is emotionally free to be attracted to others...He's just stepping out of it. Last night he commented on the fact that when you are in a relationship you cannot allow yourself to be attracted to others because that would distance you from your SO and make you less attracted to them. I guess that is what is going on with him.....He is committed, but part of him is still in single man's mind mode.... Just spilling my thoughts and feelings...

My question for guys is this... If you truly care for another girl that you are just friends with....Does that mean it can easily turn into love? I mean care so much about her that the things going on in her life excite you and truly make you giddy. Assuming the things that stop you disappear (ie: being in a relationship with someone else, the fact that it is your best friend's sister,etc)....Does that "in love" happen that much easier and deeper? And not just that....But can you love a female friend without it being anything more than a friendly love? It seems that guys pretty much always have every female on their list of dateable people....So would this type of a friendship confuse you in terms of your own feelings (not the other persons)? Is there ever an exception...Is there pickiness that occurs or could you have the desire to get romantically involved with just about anyone you befriend? Also, do you find patterns in the type of people you choose as female friends. I personally get along with an array of people. But if you find yourself always choosing a similar quality in all the girls you become friends with, such as true and constant wit.....Does this become a quality you are attracted to and look for in women for relationships?

My question for guys is this... If you truly care for another girl that you are just friends with....Does that mean it can easily turn into love? I mean care so much about her that the things going on in her life excite you and truly make you giddy. Should the things that stop you disappear....Does that love happen that much easier and deeper? And not just that....But can you love a female friend without it being anything more than a friendly love? It seems that guys always have a female on their list of dateable people....So would this type of a friendship confuse you in terms of your own feelings and not the other persons? Also, do you find patterns in the type of people you choose as female friends. I personally get along with an array of people. But if you find yourself always choosing a similar quality in all the girls you become friends with, such as true and constant wit.....Does this become a quality you are attracted to and look for in women for relationships?

Everyone is different. I suppose it depends on who she is. Think about who her true self is....Is she an extroverted introvert, blatant extrovert, etc.? How much does she like parties exactly? Does she like going to them often or love them but like to go once in a while more so? Where is her maturity level? Is she an attractive female and does she let it get to her head or keep herself humble? Where do her self-esteem and self-worth stand? Answering all these questions may help get an idea....But really, we won't know until she's gone through it. My guess is that she's out to have fun...And should she meet guys they will be the worst kind, nothing meaningful...And she'll see how difficult it is to find someone you can connect with in any real way...Because all the guys she will meet partying are there for the same reason. She hasn't broken up with you to find someone better...She has broken up with you to explore herself. It all comes down to who that person is. You mentioned a little while back that you are introverted. Someone who has a 6 year relationship with someone that is introverted has this quality as well even though it may be at a different level. So my guess is that she is an extroverted introvert....That is working in your favor in terms of time. But also, she may be looking for a situation that caters to her extroverted self. I understand that you are hurt by it either way. Maybe you feel like she has thrown it away. But the truth is she may have been able to do it while you two were together, but maybe she needed to be single to get herself to do it. A lot of times we can't do things like that while we are in a relationship. We find comfort in the person we have and we don't stray from it - We become accustomed to being a certain way while in a relationship. It is easier to work on yourself when you are on your own right. Well, she's working on herself...Not in the sense of becoming her better self...But in the sense of, this is something you do in your youth and something you do in life and she is taking care of that. What I've realized is that I can do that when I am in a relationship...Have fun...But it took me being apart to realize this and get being single in that situation out of my system. It's just a very different feeling. I love my bf very much and am extremely loyal to him, the highest degree of being loyal - And being in a bar situation, well it changes the fun you have. I definitely noticed the difference again when getting in a bar/friends situation after reconciling. It's a different type of fun. My friends are crazy and they love to have fun with random people around us at a bar/pool hall whatever. I noticed that when they started doing that after being back in a realtionship, I pulled away, and I did not talk to the people as they were because they were males....I felt I would be flirting and thus betraying him. So, I kept my fun to my friends and tried to avoid any males that came into the situation. Bascially, you feel free and less uptight when you are single....It's nice to feel this way for a bit. It doesn't necessarily have to do with hooking up and getting attention from guys - It has to do with spontaneity and thus with fun experiences. I don't miss it....Because I know what I have and I know what I'm leaving behind....He is what is more important, what I value more, what I want more....But I needed to learn this. Now that I've gone through that as a single person...Well now I can apply it to my relationship. Last weekend I randomly brought Twister over and we got wasted on Tequila shots - Just the two of us....It was sooooo much fun. Now that I've had my single time...Well, I want that fun to be with HIM. And she needs to get there. She needs to learn this in order for it to work. I know hearing from her that her current feeling will never change is getting to you. I wouldn't let it get to you - Like I said - Right now she is not really speaking of clear mind. Trust me I completely understand her...That was me. She may feel that way right now because being single is a novelty and she sees soo much potential in it. That wears away and reality sets in...Well, for me, I was just over it, got it out...And my love for him was still there, and stronger actually. The novelty will likely wear away if she is anything like me in personality - But also keep in mind that that doesn't necessarily mean that she will come back to you. And that is why you must move on. I'm rooting for you two. How about try LC - She is important to you afterall. See how that works for you. Again, no discussion about where she's at, where you are...NO discussion whatsoever...I know that is hard...But you MUST prevent those from coming up. NO FEELINGS ALLOWED. DO NOT expect anything to come of it...Nothing but a friend. And I think the key to LC is that she initiates a lot of it - So should you choose to do LC you will have to somehow let her know CLEARLY that you want to be friends. She has respected your need for NC up until now...So she needs to know that she can contact you when she wants to. Let her initiate...You call/respond when she has contacted you. You do the initiating minimally. Meanwhile, work on you and do what you can to begin to let go. That way, she'll know that you care but will also be doing your own thing.

Bubbles, it sounds like having contact with her has really affected you....Of course, that is natural. Our situations are definitely very similar as we are the same age and likely the same stage in life in terms of out of college and new to being full on in the working world. Correct me if I'm wrong. I noticed that the transition from college life to working life was and still is difficult on me. My life changed from being accustomed to having lots of things going on...School, BF/Strong Love, job, internship, friends....To really just having work and some activities related to my hobbies here and there...With my closest friends moving away. It's been very difficult for me to adjust and have come to realize that that was a HUGE reason why the relationship became boring. It doesn't only have to do with the two of you together..But has a lot to do with how you guys are doing individually as well. That was my status...And he was working and coming home to a video game. We were happy and in love with each other....But individually, we felt stagnant and that put a strain on our time we spent together. You last wrote that she wasn't too happy with a couple things that were going on in her life. Realize that it is not YOU....It is HER feelings about where she is right now. You two spent your youth together, and I can see how getting out there on her own is something she feels she has to do. It has nothing to do with you. Also, you wrote that when you two talked over the phone she cried over something that was going on with a friend of hers. I don't know what that may have been....But I'd be willing to bet that those tears weren't just about her friend....It was about the two of you....She probably wanted to cry to you about you...But didn't want to make a discussion about it so she used another reason...That reason may have made her emotional, but I suspect those tears were about you. I don't mean to make it harder on you, but I do think it is important to really SEE what is going on with her rather than making assumptions. Our imaginations run wild... This is definitely her party stage. When it comes down to it, if you two are to be together in the future, she needs to get this out of her system. I would go to bars as a girl in a relationship...But there is a big difference going to bars as a single person. It doesn't necessarily have to do with the fact that you are looking for someone...It's just a different feeling. I don't know her...But she will enjoy it, and then hopefully she'll want to come home to you in the end. I would say do what you need to do for yourself to be healthy and happy. I'm not sure what your thought process of a future with her has been - But if you have been deep in love with her to the point where you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her then if you do move on...That feeling can always return if you want it to and if it is meant to. What I mean by meant to is...you never know, you may change along the way as well and find that she wasn't the one for you and be comfortable with that...well then, the feeling wasn't meant to come back. I know it is difficult to let yourself let go - It is heart wrenching. But maybe focus more on doing things for yourself rather than the actual letting go....That will come in time. It seems like No Contact is the best thing for you right now...Or atleast Limited Contact. Like I said before, avoid conversations about the two of you with her. If you do have contact, make it light, make it fun, prevent meaning from creeping in. Because if those conversations do creep in, you will get hurt. Feelings change....And I feel that post-break up, your state of mind isn't the best reflection of where your true self will be. So, whatever she is thinking/feeling right now just doesn't matter. Focus on moving on....And if she doesn't come back....Well then the next step is healing. I'm sorry you can't stop thinking about her. I know how you feel. But that is precisely why conversations about where she is, where you are, where the two of you are just shouldn't happen...It will hurt and you will feel weak again. What are some things YOU wanted to do while you were in a relationship, but just couldn't do? Start doing those things...This is your opportunity to do these things. I noticed that what my bf did while single were things he never did while in a relationship, or even before I came along (we were each other's first relationship).....He's an absolute gentlemen, but he started to allow himself to check out other girls (in a gentlemanly way), he subscribed to a man's magazine full of hot women, he started to devote himself to exercise (this worked REALLY well for him, built up his confidence again), he is an introvert so he joined a situation that would allow him to be around other people and thus work on socializing. I'm not so sure the whole blatant checking out other girls and such was the best thing for him - I noticed a change in him - Before he was devoted and attracted - Now he's extremely attracted still but definitely still looking at other girls...Not the best type of guy ya know....And I think it changes who you are in a relationship. But, nonetheless, you are single now, so you can check out lots of girls if you wanted to. I noticed that he made a serious effort to make new friends. He started hanging out with other girls....And though he never actually dated them...I think this really helped him move on. Afterall, he was forming friendships rather than them being any old girl....Not only is it more meaningful that way, but you get to know someone of the opposite sex in such a way that would allow yourself to open up to other females...Thus slowly being able to move forward knowing that there are others out there. I think new friendships with females will do that to anyone. Just wanted to give you some examples of what helped him. So, my point is....What are some things you want to do now that you can?

Hi Bubbles, First off - You should be VERY proud of yourself. As we know, breaking up and moving on is extremely difficult. And though you feel as though you are becoming weaker the more you talk to her...It seems as though you have made great strides since you first broke up. I really don't know how people do this....I have serious respect for those who go through this. As you know I was on the other side of it and never felt the NEED to move on as I was the dumper, who wanted to eventually get back together. My situation did switch and caught a glimpse of what I may have had to do should my bf not had wanted to get back together. It wasn't pretty and my body is exhausted by it. So, much respect. Silence means everything. The fact that you said you are fine without her...Ouch hehe. She was likely hurt and confused by it...Probably made her think for a second. But hey, she broke up with you...Though she might not expect it, What else can she expect but for you to work on moving on. I'd question her bringing up giving you a bday gift as well. Honestly, I wouldn't read too much into it. Maybe she had a gift for you from the moment she texted you but wasn't sure if it would be okay. Afterall, she seemed like she was making an attempt to respect the fact that you didn't want to be friends with her because you felt you couldn't. Maybe it was her way of feeling you out before coming out with a gift. Or maybe she got you a gift so that she could have a chance to see you. It really could go either way. You two spent 6 years together - I spent 3.5 years with my bf and when it was his bday when we were broken up I got him an ipod after people telling me not to do anything big at all....I still loved him and cared for him deeply...And should we have been NC and all of a sudden started talking after a bday wish I sent...Well then I'd want to get him a gift. You two still have a bond no matter what your status is. A bond like that - Well you always love that person if they never did anything wrong, always, though its form may change. So, I wouldn't read too much into it. She loves you very much. Perhaps she is still confused, or maybe she's realizing that it is more than a friend...Which it is. See, whether it is a bf type of love or not...She definitely loves you more than a friend...She just doesn't know if you are the one for her right now. So I say keep on truckin the way you have. As long as she knows that you care for her then there is always a shot at another go. And like you said, she needs to do what she wants. Don't ask her what she wants...She doesn't know, and the answer she gives you now won't be the truest of answers, because it will change later. More time needs to pass. The thing is, as badly as I wanted my ex back and as badly as I wanted things to be back to normal, As badly as I want him to love me the way that he did before....I didn't want it to come easy to me....Because you don't value it as much no matter how much you actually do value that person. If he loves me as much as he did before right now....That's what I want...But I also don't want him to make it easy for me by being totally and completely in this right away. After a battle, the prize becomes more valuable. Whether it is a battle with herself or with you or both....she will value you more if there is something of a struggle. Otherwise, like you said, she will feel that you will always be there. And if she feels that way, she will likely sabotage it for herself by devalueing your presense. The fact that you two can still joke around with each other is awesome...It helps her see what you two had. You are doing great. Just keep on being upbeat and being yourself. I know mixed signals are awful. But as long as you don't read too much into them then you will be fine...Which is incredibly difficult I know. But see, the only way you two will get back together is if she initiates it...And if she really WANTS you back she will eventually do it in the clearest of ways.

Hi Nick, Sounds to me like she definitely sees that you are making the effort to move on and are seemingly succeeding at it. You did awesome by the way...Having your fun while the cause of your pain and confusion is in the same room...That is not easy and you seem to have done it with yourself in mind...Awesome...You should be very proud of yourself. I'm sure she is very afraid of losing you. Even though she broke it off she likely didn't realize that you WOULD actually BE ABLE to move on. She probably didn't think that it was really possible. And now that she sees it happening it is making her nervous. She definitely doesn't want to lose you. If the reason that she broke up with you is that she is young and needed to be free for a while...Well I can understand where she is coming from. I too had the love of my life....But on the otherhand really wanted to enjoy my youth as I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It seems odd that one should feel that way about a person but also want to have their fun....But that's all it is, meaningless (in my case innocent flirtations etc) fun....And in the end, you learn and realize that it means nothing, you get it out of your system...You realize that life is more meaningful and this person is too important to you to waste time apart. It is just something you go through while you are young...You just want to be free for a moment even when you have found a love so great (and this often comes after a long term relationship together). So, let her do what she feels she needs to do right now....That is the only way she will come back. In the meantime, just focus on you. She will continue to give you mixed signals...And I'm sure it is a form of torture to you. Just reallize that she does not mean for it to do you harm...She is expressing where she is though passively. She still loves you and likely really wants to get back together...Right now is just not the time. She is likely waiting until she is 110% committed again if she is considering being in a long term relationship with you again. I wouldn't discuss where you are with her....Just let it run its course....Don't let her know where you are in terms of wanting her back or moving on. She will be able to detect it one way or the other. Continue to heal and move forward. She will see this more and more and will come back once it is right for her....And really, it will be best for you once SHE is ready as well. Just continue to be yourself with her...She knows who you are and she loves who you are. You two seem to have a lot of fun together - That is EXTREMELY important. Continue making yourself the best you can be....And if she comes back wonderful. If not, well you can be happy with yourself...and this will create the opportunity for you to have a healthy relationship with the next. I know how hard it is to let go....Just move at your own pace. Let me know how it goes...updates, etc.

Yes, absolutely brilliant posts. Thank you for making me see what the best thing to do right now is. I've come to realize that I am doing a couple of the things that will drive him away...And I need to stop. Because of the fact that I am insecure and unsure as to what it is that he is thinking/feeling/doing I try to talk to him about how he is feeling. He has made it clear..He's sick of thinking about it, talking about it, Just sick of it. So, from here on out...No more feelings talk..Not even my own feelings. He knows I am insecure about it all...That can't be attractive. Afterall, one of the things he is attracted to is my confidence and self-worth. What I struggle with is the showing him that I love him. How much is too much? I have those intense moments where you intensely tell someone you love them...Are these bad? They use to make him feel guilty..I dont' see that so much anymore..Should I stop showing it soo much? Okay, I think I know....Just make it natural, not desperate for reciprication hehe. And yes, he senses my anxiety. The thing is, he wants us to spend our weekends together. I gave him a window to spend time with his friends on the weekend if he wanted to...Just to let me know and I'll find something else to do...But he pretty much refused. He said "No, I want to spend our weekends together, we can do it as a group." I did start to notice myself worrying about him meeting new people, worrying that he would develop an interest for someone, or just prioritize new people over us. And I'm trying to keep in mind...I cannot control him. I just worry that the new paths he takes will only take him further away and when he is ready to be in a serious relationship, there will be someone new in that path that he will want to be in that serious relationship with. I would be happy for him if he gets his act together and can live a happy life. I would be very happy for him. The thing is, the thought of him being the happiest he has ever been without me makes me sad. Because afterall, he was happy with me, he was very happy with me...Just not himself. I would be sad not to be a part of something so beautiful as a person learning to love themselves and becoming a perfect man...my perfect man, who has moved on. I guess in the end, everyone who has someone that has had a past relationship gets that persons better self thanks to those before them. I just hope that doesn't become the case for us. Ahhhhh...Too many thoughts!!! Okay ReasonableGirl and Dill - I will read your post everyday to remind myself of what I need to do for ME. In the end, you are right, I am the only person I can control. So, I will work on me and my goals. Letting go is so difficult, I'm not quite sure how to do it. But I will start with occupying my time and meeting new people. I know that he will always be in my heart and my thoughts...These things will only be distractions. But distractions that will get me closer to being my best self. ReasonableGirl...Your Post was amazing and something I really needed to hear. I will try to live by your advice, as I know it is what I need to do. Getting there will be difficult but I will get there...I have to. Thank you again!!!

Dilly and Samross, Thank you sooo much for your advice and thoughts. You are right. I need to try to stop thinking it over and analyzing it...That is only causing the pain that I feel and wearing me out more than energizing me for the relationship. Dilly, yes I would find it appealing. The thing is, he is absolutely perfect in every way for me...The problem is in that he had difficulty finding things to talk about. That has changed a lot. He has taken up a martial art which he loves and enjoys very much. I have taken up my own hobby, though not as time consuming and socializing than his. We have our hobbies to talk about. I have been thinking of taking up a martial art because of the benefits for myself...But also thought it would be a good way to have something in common. We are very similar people, but also very different...And I think that is a good thing. I don't necessarily have trouble finding things to talk about, but a big part of conversating is bouncing off of others. And I know that I do need to help him bounce off of me as well....Thus the hobbies. I think what may also be important is that I need to work on myself just as much as he is working on himself. I'm taking more time to read, I'm trying to find new people to socialize with (my closest friends don't live in my city), and basically just trying to find new things to fill my time up that will benefit me as a person. And Dilly, I have to say, that no, I'm not excited about the challenge that he has become. Though I think the changes that he is making are wonderful, they instill insecurity in me....Will he find that he just doesn't love me. I think once he becomes 100% committed I will be excited about who he is becoming...For now, it just worries me. That sounds very selfish I know. I am proud of him...I'm just in an insecure place right now. He has always felt that I am too good for him...Well, I feel the same way about him but more so now. For now, I will be as patient as can be. He is important to me, we are important to me...So I will work on me and us and see what happens I suppose. I will keep your words in mind....Relax, Be Positive, Take One Day at a Time Sounds like a much funner way to live....