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browneyedgirl36

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  1. I was wondering this too, and to me (I could be wrong, of course) it seems as though you're trying to be friends with this guy, including seeing him (even for a few hours), etc. -- not because you really WANT to, but because you feel obligated for some reason. The feelings you're having -- that you're being manipulated/talked into things -- are spot-on indicators that something is amiss. Your reluctance and frustration with the situation are your intuition talking to you, loudly. Don't ignore it. Something isn't right with this guy; I can tell just from what you've said about him.
  2. Me too, Darcy -- I have been much sadder about a pet's death than the death of a romantic relationship in the past. Reinvent, you're just grieving several things at once, and your job is kind of stressful on top of that, right? It's totally normal to feel "cranky." You've got a right to it! When I'm having days like that, I just say to myself, "This day just isn't a good one, but I'm just going to do the best I can. Tomorrow will be different." Hang in there! (P.S. I am so sorry about your kitty. She was SO beautiful, and clearly so well-loved.)
  3. I understand re-living those stories, especially early on, and sometimes it can actually be helpful in the moving on process. A friend once told me that a therapist told her that, whenever she thought of her ex and wanted him back or felt like she might give him another chance, she should think of the worst thing he ever did or said to her and how she felt when he did/said it. In her case, it was he ex chasing her with a pan of boiling cooking oil, trying to throw it on her! My "worst" incidents with my ex were all emotional -- no physical abuse -- but it still helped me to recall how bad his words/actions made me feel. It wasn't about villifying him to make myself feel better, but rather about reinforcing that he was entirely wrong for me. Now, I don't even remember most of the hurtful things he did/said -- I've forgotten them and/or blocked them out. At the time, though, early on, it was useful for me to remember them. It's still early days for you. Gradually, these thoughts will fade, as will the need to re-tell various incidents from the relationship. Right now, though, I think it may be helping you to get past the sadness by recalling S more realistically (as opposed to only thinking of the good times). Hang in there! Your trip will keep you occupied, for sure!
  4. Exactly. The one time I broke up with someone-- my first boyfriend ever -- I told him that I really DID want to be his friend, down the road, if ever there came a time when he was ready. I also told him I totally understood if he didn't want to be my friend, ever, and that I would accept whatever decision he made. And I never contacted him again (he contacted me from time to time, and we DID end up being friends). I did miss him sometimes -- just because he was a great guy and it definitely was a loss to me -- but I never told him that. I would NEVER have given him any false hope. That's just cruel. I'm sorry this happened. I know it hurts, but I'm glad you told S no more contact. I hope he'll honor that request.
  5. Agreed. Something REALLY bad must have happened to S in the past to make him so un-trusting and so insecure. Or, he has really low self-esteem (or some combination thereof. Regardless, I'm not sure it's something he'll ever get past if he hasn't by now. I'm sorry, reinvent. I know how painful it is when you think something could really be going somewhere, and it abruptly ends. It's probably better, in the long run, though, as it sounds like S has issues that he has never worked through.
  6. Hmmm...I hope you don't think I'm being harsh here, but...it sounds like you're trying to explain away S's VERY (in my opinion, at least) passive-aggressive comment. It sounds as though he's trying to equate you going out with your girlfriends (and the occasional guy friend showing up) with him "going to happy hour" and "talking to a bunch of women. NOT THE SAME THING AT ALL! You have EVERY right to go out with your girlfriends, without him, and if men happen to be there and you happen to have a conversation with one of them...so what? It's not the same thing as going out to happy hour and actively, purposefully surrounding yourself with members of the opposite sex and chatting them up. Men and women most certainly CAN be friends -- and they can definitely have platonic conversations. Sheesh! reinvent, I appreciate that you're trying to give this guy a chance, but...I feel like you're maybe giving him a bit too much of a chance here. His trust issues are not your problem, and his attempts to equate you going out with friends -- for the express purpose of seeing your friends and catching up with them -- with him going to happy hour with the express purpose of chatting up women -- well...it's totally transparent, and it says a LOT about his issues. I'm not saying it's not fine to include him in your friend hangouts sometimes. My boyfriend has been invited to hang with me and my friends on occasion, and he's going to Easter brunch with me and some friends of mine -- a yearly tradition) -- but I don't feel compelled to invite him. I can do things without him -- and he without me -- without any worries on either person's part. He knows I'm not going to pick up any men -- or even flirt with them -- and I know he won't hit on women, either. As I've said before, it's early days, and these things tend to get much worse -- not better -- as time goes on and more of a person's character is revealed. You're a great lady. You don't need this stuff!
  7. Agree. You've only been seeing him for three months -- maybe 3-day weekends are too much at this stage? I am like you -- I need a lot of space, and if someone is wanting too much togetherness, too early on, I freak out a little. My current boyfriend and I fit well in that regard. He has two children, of whom he has 50% custody, so he has them a lot. When we first met, and I hadn't met them yet, we could only schedule time when they weren't around. Thus, we were able to ease into seeing each other more frequently. We had our first "overnight" at about 5 or 6 months in (which I know seems a slow pace for a lot of people, but it was perfect for us), and our first full weekend together at about 9 months in (again, slow pace, but perfect for both of us). Our first full-on vacation (about 10 days) will take place this summer, nearly 18 months in. The thing is, this works for both of us -- we've discussed it and agreed it does -- but it only works if BOTH people want it, so if S is wanting more, and you're wanting less, that's definitely an incompatibility. As for the "honeymoon high," it seems a bit early for that to have worn off already. I still have it, after a year. I realize my situation isn't everyone's, but I think if you really felt compatible with S, and felt really content with him, it wouldn't have worn off this soon. I'm stunned at the number of posters who report having arguments -- sometimes really big ones -- after only a few months of dating. I don't feel I even know someone well enough to argue at that point! The bottom line: Yes, this COULD be part of a pattern for you -- one of retreating when things get TOO intense, and I applaud you for really thinking about that and considering it as a possiblity -- but... also consider the possibility that you may just feel incompatible with S (and with others with whom you've had this same issue), and that maybe your concern about diving in headfirst to spending a lot of time together is your reaction to red flags, rather than a problem you have with commitment and availability. I once had a therapist tell me, after she had heard all about my off/on ex, that I should consider the possibility that I am emotionally unavailable. I really took it to heart, and even read a bunch of stuff that "confirmed" for me that I indeed was "emotionally unavailable." I got really sucked into that idea, and I actually became anxious over it for awhile. The thing is, I am VERY available -- emotionally and otherwise -- in my current relationship, and I know why: It's because this guy feels RIGHT to me; we're compatible in every important way. I can be TOTALLY myself around him, and he around me. We can talk about anything -- even embarrassing or difficult stuff. I trust him. He trusts me. I don't live in fear of him disappearing on me, and he feels the same (we just had this conversation the other night). SO....I can conclude that, while I DID have issues that led me to choose to engage with my ex for far too long -- and with a few other guys in my past that I should have dropped like a sack of rocks from the get-go -- I think it was more about self-esteem and loneliness than emotional unavailability. My "pattern" of choosing the wrong guy was more about how I viewed myself at the time than it was about some fundamental unavailability of mine. Anyway...my take is that the red flags are waving for you, and that's why you're backing off. The argument you had last weekend just cemented your doubts, I think. If you need to give it more time, definitely do so, but...don't give it too much time if it's not getting any better. Life's too short to be stuck in relationships that don't enhance our lives.
  8. Reinventmyself, I looked back at your journal to see where you began dating S (I couldn't remember, but I thought it hadn't been long). It's only been since November, so not even three months. At this stage, especially long distance, when you aren't seeing each other 24/7, it seems too early for these kinds of intense arguments. This early on, if you are already having this kind of conflict -- where he has to "win" and you end up "losing" -- it just doesn't sound promising. When you described the argument you had over the weekend, what I took from it was that he feels very justified in explaining things YOU have done that have upset him, and he expects you to listen (which you did) and offer a formal apology (which you say you didn't literally apologize, but you DID say you understood, empathized, etc). On the other hand, if YOU have concerns, it sounds like he dismisses them -- or at least minimizes them -- until you get really upset, at which time he starts backpedaling to keep the peace, to keep you from leaving, etc. In other words, it sounds like he's just trying to placate you -- that he's not really sincere about changing his behavior. If this kind of thing is starting so early on, it's not a good sign, in my opinion, and I'd be worried about what else would reveal itself over time, particularly if you end up living closer -- or living together at some stage. While relationships aren't supposed to be all sunshine and rainbows, in the first few months, at least, there shouldn't be any significant conflicts, but if there are, that's usually a good sign of incompatibility. I'm not advising you to break up with him immediately or anything, but I think you may find that, if it's already starting to get rough at this stage, it will get rougher. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
  9. I agree -- enjoy the generosity. There's another thread by a poster who said that a guy was buying her a new refrigerator, introducing her to his parents, declaring his love, etc. -- after two weeks. THAT would be scary! In this case, it sounds like he's just being thoughtful and kind. My boyfriend and I have a running joke about pillows. I have a TON of them -- four on my bed, plus five "decorative" pillows, plus a bunch of other decorative pillows throughout my house. When he met me, he had four pillows -- one on each of his kids' beds, and two on his. No decorative pillows. No cushions. Nothing. He joked that the pillow-to-person ratio in his house was four pillows to three people, while mine was 27 pillows to one person. The first time I stayed over at his house, several months into our relationship, I found that he'd purchased two new pillows for his bed, mainly so I would be more comfortable and have what I was used to having at my house. I thought this was adorable! And, he said, after sleeping on them, "I never understood having more than one pillow per person -- now I do!" I don't have a drawer in his dresser yet, but he keeps Diet Cokes in his fridge for me (and I keep his favorite beer in mine). It's just thoughtfulness on both of our parts. Anyway...sounds like your guy is thoughtful and kind. Enjoy it!
  10. Best. Response. Ever. Maybe now he'll get the hint? (Probably not, but you can always hope, right?)
  11. Wow. He's a real piece of work. He reminds me of a child throwing a temper tantrum because he didn't get the toy he wanted at the store. I'd half expect him to hold his breath and lie on the floor, kicking and flailing!
  12. I suggest taking a finite amount of time -- maybe 30 minutes -- to look for the key. Then, if you can't find it, leave him a note on your front door (in case he stops by), saying "M, thanks for bringing back the chair. At present, I can't find your key, but I will put it in the mail to you when I do." (Or, you might change the "when" to "if.") It's not like you're the type to break into his house, but if he's that anxious about it, he can go change his locks.
  13. I you've already told him not to contact you, then definitely don't contact again. I would send his key in the mail with a note saying simply: "Here's the key. Keep the chair." Just keep not responding. Eventually, he'll give up.
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