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generalelectric

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  1. generalelectric
    As has already been said in this thread-Unless you have done something terrible to hurt someone or there is intense anger, I don't think no contact works at improving the relationship. A therapist once suggested my husband and I live separately to deal with our anger, and still meet at least once a week. Presently, in my case, my husband said he needed six months to "figure himself out." I knew it was over; simply because if someone is in love and committed I don't think they should need any time to figure things out, never mind 6 months. I am struggling with our separation, but I don;t think I could ever stay with him. I am worth every bit of time spent with me! And so are YOU! Then again I am a bit of an idealist..
  2. generalelectric
    I have not given an update on my situation in a while but today was emotional mayhem and I could really use some extra support. Two and one half months has passed in my informal separation from my husband. The whole story is at the beginning of this post. I tried NC but my husband keeps coming to our house to retrieve items, then starting arguments with me over nothing...continuing his usual verbal abuse. I have in the process been doing ALOT to work on myself, I go to therapy, a 12 step program, and I began Yoga. Plus I have seen a lawyer and am almost ready to file for divorce. He is continuing his drinking and excessive conversation with another woman. Recently his phone bill showed that he called a florist and a french restaraunt on Valentine's Day! Today he told me that he was calling places because he goes out to eat by himself and was also considering buying me flowers. Someone please remind me that to believe him would be naive. In my gut I know he is lying, but there is this little piece of me that wants to believe him. He also asked me to not state his past drug abuse in my complaint b/c he is worried about the effect it will have on his carreer plans. So I figure he is manipulating me and lying about his affair b/c he wants me to change the wording in my complaint for divorce. Should I agree to leave it out? Does it even matter in the big scheme of things? I have sooooo much running through my head. He just seemed so lonely. And I don't know how we got to this place in our marriage. He hasn;t even said he wants the divorce and yet he doesn't want to work on our marriage. So I am taking the first step to end it....I don;t know this is just so hard and painful.
  3. generalelectric
    Oh Steelergal so sorry to hear you are in pain...but it does pass...you aren't going to feel like this forever. Not responding to his text is a great accomplishment! That would be hard for me too. This man is really not worth it, he really isn't. Here are some of the things that I have been doing to get through this very difficult time: I see a therapist once a week, I go to a yoga class once a week and do it on my own, I began jogging, I read ALOT of self-help (good titles-Don't Call That Man, Ambivalent Men), I write a gratitude list every night for the good things in my life, I send text messages to friends telling them that they are great, and I to go to a 12 step program where I have met tons of wonderful people. Maybe knowing what helps someone else may help you to find what works for you...Hang in there!!! The feelings will pass, they are just feelings not reality. Reality is what we do in any given moment. A series of decent moments may add up to a "not so bad" day.
  4. generalelectric
    I would think "ladyspirit" that in those relationships something was wrong to begin with...I mean there must have been for the person to willingly let it go and move on with someone else. Maybe the new person provides a "reason" to move on or gives the dumper the confidence to move on; which must mean that the dumper is very insecure to begin with. Other people just are ambivalent to relationships and intimacy so it is a usual pattern to move on to someone knew. For myself, if I am in a healthy loving relationships feelings for the opposite sex (other than the person I am in a relationship with) although they may arise are never something I act on or "feed" so to speak. Just curious-Has anyone ever dumped someone during a lapse of sanity and then regretted it? Blender-WOW. Well said. You just describe my soon to be ex-husband in detail. And it helps to be reminded that his leaving is part of his pattern, not mine.
  5. generalelectric
    Sorry to hear he is trying to lead you into another emotional whirlwind. I know what it feels like to have every fiber of your body telling you "No, don't go back!" But then that weak part of you wants to run back to him. If you can continue on the path of self healing that you have already begun, you know that wonderful things await you. I have to believe that God/fate/destiny did not lead you here to drop you on your head so to speak, or lead you back to a man that is not worthy of you. As I have heard many times in my struggle, similar to yours as you know, I am the only one who can choose to end my marriage and to move on. People can advise me and comfort me, but ultimately I have to decide what kind of future I want. DO you want to keep revisiting the same issues with a manipulative abusive man, because really he probably won't change. Think of an entire lifetime of misery with him (that is if he didn't have another affair and pull the same crap) as compared with the small amount of time you will feel pain from your divorce...Really the pain is heartwrenching, believe me I know, but it ends!!! I believe what people tell me and no one in a similar situation has ever told me that they regret their divorce. You are in my thoughts. Good luck.
  6. generalelectric
    I feel for you...My husband and I have been separated for almost two months..I felt sad on Valentine's day and everyone I am close with was busy. So I got a haircut and a few highlights...May seem strange but I felt darn good about myself when it was done and it also helped to pass a few hours. I also cried a whole lot when I got home BUT then I felt RELIEF after the cry! If I were you, which I will be in a few months when my anniversary roles around, I would surround myself with women in my life with whom I feel safe. I would probably need to feel comfortable saying I felt sad that day and I would need to feel comfortable crying in front of them. I would allow myself to feel sad if I'm sad and cry if I need to; remember this will be the the one and only time you will have to relive your first anniversary apart. Then again, if you are someone who likes to remain busy in tough situations, maybe you can arrange to have dinner with women who you are close with, go to a movie, pamper yourself a little bit....whatever that means for you-for me it may mean a pedicure and a massage. Maybe you can change your anniversary day to the day you are good to yourself...a gift day just for you...until the day no longer makes you feel sad at least. Good luck! You will be in my thoughts.
  7. generalelectric
    Well reaching out for help is the first step, so go you!!! I know from experience it isn't easy to recognize and admit when we are not feeling well and need to initiate change. I experienced the same way feelings towards life that you described in your post. I went to see a therapist, she was wonderful. i got lucky with my first one. For some people it takes longer to find a match with a therapist you feel comfortable with. Eventually, I discovered that I suffer from clinical depression. Really I had been suffering my whole life. Not just the "I feel down" for a couple of days and it passes. But I was feeling LOW, BLAH, let me sit here and DO NOTHING PLEASE!!! I would daydream that the couch swallowed me whole just so I didn't have to deal with life. So, a doctor prescribed mild medication for depression and wow it helped. I slowly realized how, with some behavior modification and still therapy, my attitude and movement in life was changing. There was nothing I could do for myself without getting help; for so long I suffered with this chemical issue in my brain and it took me feeling so bad that I reached out to say "Help." So good luck! You have begun your journey!
  8. generalelectric
    Thanks for the comments so far... bestrongbehappy-I am Roman Catholic...but am more spiritual than a 100% practicing catholic. They don't allow people to remarry in church without an annulment. But to tell you the truth, I can't imagine doing that whole bit all over again. I am 31 and the last thing on my mind is re-walking down the aisle in a big white dress. herenow you know those are some good questions. Knowing myself I could give a damn if my soulmate had been divorced and could not remarry in a church. Although, I may look for spirituality in a future partner, as well as someone who respects my beliefs, actually marrying in a church would not matter. So if I divorce via Mediation or the easier "No Fault" that NJ has, I wipe out my chances of annulment but might save money, time, and headaches.
  9. generalelectric
    If anyone has the patience to read through this, please offer me some advice. I am very overwhelmbed right now and am not used to making such big decisions alone... I won't go into details about the nature of my separation from my husband since I already posted that in another thread; but right now I could use some advice about divorce proceedings. I am meeting with a lawyer on Wednesday and will begin the process of filing a complaint for divorce. I can file for no fault in NJ and be divorced within another 4 months, we've been separated for two already. However, I think if I don't file a complaint under a "fault" ground (adultery, emotional abuse, ect...) I give up my chance of ever getting an annulment (which with the years of emotional abuse, his drug addiction, and other issues) I may have grounds for. Then I have been doing research on mediation. Has anyone ever gotten divorced via mediation? Seems to be less costly but again I could not ever get an annulment. Part of me is worried that someone I may meet in the future will want to get married in a church or won't marry me without an annulment. I realize this is silly since I am divorcing so as to find someone who will love me for who I am not what they want from me...I am just really confused about the decisions I have to make and right now I feel very alone. Ultimately no one can make these decisions but me and it is overwhelming...
  10. generalelectric
    Did you say he was stealing from you? I am wondering if he has a hidden drug problem? Obviously I don't need to reiterate how abnormal is treatment of you is. And based on my limited experience with a problem husband, I would say it is bound to get worse. He sounds like he needs serious help. Maybe talk with a counselor, use all the support you can get and that is a good place to start.
  11. generalelectric
    Okay. I'm gonna do this if it kills me. After days of obsessing, I need to clear my head and taking this challenge seems to the best way to do it. Read...set...here I go 1/16/07, 9:51 pm!
  12. generalelectric
    Hi Steelergal! Since we are both in similar situations I though I'd check up on you. Yes, I know that emotional rollercoaster. I am just in this myself and, but here's what helpful people tell me.... First-It is NOT you who is the problem. Your husband (and mine too) obviously suffer from serious psychological issues. Don't be jealous of this otehr woman because his relationship with her is bound for failure. A normal life just won't happen with someone that screwed up, so goodbye and good riddance, let her nightmare with him begin. Second of all, YOU are worth more! There is definitely a special life awaiting you and maybe this is just the time when you will think, reflect, and rebuild your self-esteem so you can enjoy that life that awaits you! Third- if you believe that you are meant to be in a woderful relationship with an honest man-then someday that is exactly what you will have. You just need to be patient and continue to feel your emotions so you can eventually move through them. And remember- when you feel like crying or dying or like life just isn't fair-this is only TEMPORARY. Feelings pass. After we get to our lowest of lowest points we rise...
  13. generalelectric
    Thanks for your support ladies. Okay so I took a few deep breaths last night and did not leave her a message. I'd like to but I know it won't do any good at this point. I am lost though. I just don't know what to do next. YEs, I know everyone keeps telling me to take care of myself, nuture myself, stick close to my support network...and I am actually continuing to do those things. I got a pedicure yesterday and am going to the movies this afternoon...dinner tonight with mom. BUT all of that still leaves me not knowing what the heck to do. I was thinking of just "vowing" a no contact with him for a month. Just so I can clear my head...What do you think?
  14. generalelectric
    Steelergal-Thank you. I needed to hear every thing you just wrote. Someone had to bring me back to reality. Just curious...My husband is still depositing money into our joint account which covers much of our bills and I am living in our home. He says he is going to pay for his apartment with extra money we have each month This bothers me. But I don't know what choice I have. We can't afford our house without both of our salaries and yet how dare he use "our" money to pay for a new apartment. He says he does not want to divorce. WHAT the hell! Also, about how much was your PI? I just sent him a message something like how dare he say he has no attachment to this woman and still talk to her five x a day. I said it was a emotional affair in my eyes. I also said he was NOT to use a cent of our money on an apartment while he continues to share his feelings with this woman. I have had enough Miss Nicegirl. I am sooo infuriated I am ready to send her a message too. Help!
  15. generalelectric
    My husband moved out to "take time apart" We never set standards or guidelines and have talked 2x in three weeks. I was thinking of taking this no contact challenge. Should I take it upon myself to start no contact without telling him? I'm not really sure how this goes...
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