penda

There was this guy I was dating for a couple of months. Over time we decided to be friends because we both had a lot going on in our lives (career, ill family members, finances, etc). We still cared about eachother though. Well I started hearing less and less from him, because he started a new job and now works two jobs. I thought maybe he was seeing or checking out other girls at one point because he wouldn't take time out to call as much and he added a few girls to his webpage. We started communicating a little more again a couple of weeks back and he told me that I was still on his mind and he even said I was his queen. After that I didn't here anything from him for a little over a week and he wouldn't even reply to my notes. Well one day I decided to Google his name, (it's something I do if I'm thinking of someone really hard or haven't from them in a while). I came accross an obituary online stating that his stepfather had died. I knew his step dad was sick, but I thought he was actually getting better. I want offer my condolenses to him, but I'm scared because of the way I found out and the fact he has not told me himself yet. I tried calling him to see if he is ok, but I can't get ahold of him. I even wrote a note to him talking about how I wanted to make sure he was doing alright and how he is more than welcome to talk to me about anything and how i'm willing to be good friend to him, just to see if he would open up. The only thing he wrote back was "have a great Christmas". Matter of fact when ever I called him he would never answer his phone, but later on he would send me a text saying "Merry Christmas, baby" or something like "i'm at work". He still hasn't told me about the death and feel really bad, because I don't how to approach him. He lost his biological father a couple of years back as well and his mom is sick (not very extremely sick though), too. Can yall give me some insight on this situation, because I've been nothing but confused.

I feel like I can't trust my guyfriend that I once dated. We were dating for a little while and all was great, but things got really hectic with our lives (career, family, school, etc), so now we are just friends. Gradually though we saw less and less of eachother and the phone convos became sporatic. I begin to feel like he lost all interest in me. So we eventually talked and he said he was still interested, just right now he can't put forth the effort in relationship that he feels I deserve. I even thought he wanted to see other people and I said that if I was holding him back from that let me know. He told me that it was not case, and even if it was, he wouldn't have the time to do it anyway. Well, I honestly want to trust him, but I can't. The basis of any friendship is trust, I feel bad that I feel this way. I think about past situations where a guy would say "let's be friends" and they are full of crap. This guy has reassured me that he really wants friendship and once things settle down, he would like to pick up where we left off. He said I'm still on his mind and in his heart. Again, I want to believe him but for some reason I can't. I get tired of calling him and not ever knowing when to catch him and always get his voicemail. I end up anxiously waiting for his call. I only call 2 to 3 times a week. Well we were suppose to get together, yesterday, and he supposedly got very sick. I want to believe he really was sick, but I think it something else. I hate feeling like this. I don't know if this my own insecurities and negativity eating me up, or if this intuition. I really want to handle this relationship right and not blow it, if it is the right thing. He seems like a great guy, but sometimes i think its too good to be true. Please help me make the right choices.

Hi, I've was dating a guy for a couple of months. When we first started dating, we saw each other several times a week. However, it became more of a challenge because we both had to go to work early in the morning and work a 11 to 12 hour shift. So we started narrowing our time down to mainly the weekends. We had sex a few times, but we stopped because he didn't want our relationship to be purely sexual. Well recently, he started a new job wear he has to devote a lot time and energy to building a client base. I also had to spend this month to prepare for a major examination. During that time I still wanted to get together with him when I thought we both had free time, but he was always busy or out of town (back in his home town seeing family and friends). It also became really difficult to call him, because I could never figure out when to catch him. When he did call he would apologize and said that he wasn't avoiding me. Also, he said he wanted me to do well on my test and for him not be distraction. Well it became increasing frustrating, because I felt like we were playing phone tag. We ended up talking earlier this week and he said wanted us to take things easy and be friends. He said he didn't lose interest in me and thought I was a wonderful girl. He loved the fact that I was spiritual, understanding and focused on my goals. I asked if he was going to date other people and he said he didn't have the time. He also said he doesn't expect me to wait for him to get his life in order and that he didn't want to hold me back from happiness. I told him I still care about him and that he was worth the wait. He also talked about the possiblity of getting together to hang out around the holidays or when I finish my test. Well I guess the thing I'm asking is if he is really a nice guy that cares or is he playing me. I've had guys in the past that would say nice things about me before they gave me the kiss off, so they could avoid hurting me. He always seemed to be straight with me, but I don't know. I can't seem to shake the doubts that I have. I'm afraid to ask because I feel like I would be rehashing the subject and he would be insulted. What should I do?

Hi, I met a guy online about a month ago. We sem to hit off nicely, so we we decided to meet each other on a date. He doesn't have much experience dating and he has never made it to the relationship stage before. He even lacks sexual experience. Well on the first date, I was the one extremely nervous. My date didn't want me to be nervous, but I guess I wanted to make a good impression. Anyway I opened up to him later on. I even kissed him a few times before we parted. The second date was much better and relaxing. I felt like we so much chemistry. He held my hand, kissed me several times, and was very affectionate. I could tell that he enjoyed my company. We even set a date for this weekend. I suggested that I stay over Saturday night so we could spend more time together (we are about 2 hours apart, plus we have busy schedules during the week and up and coming). Before the date ended, we kissed and hugged each other for a long while. Well after long consideration, I decided not to stay over night, because I didn't want to chance us having sex to soon. The next night, I called him to tell him the news and he met me with the news that he felt our relationship was not working and he wanted to be friends. He said he was concerned that our relationship was just physical (the most we ever done was french kiss) and the we didn't have much in common (i thought we had a few things in common). Plus he felt like when we talked it was all about work and random things. I try to explain to him that our dating isn't just physical chemistry and that I sincerely liked him, and that we don't have to share the same exact interest to get along. If a couple really cares about each other, they find a way to meet half way. However, he was set in mind that this is what he had to. Now I'm pretty crushed and confused. I know he had feelings for me. Why would he do something like that when we hit it off so well during our date? Everything seem to come out of left field.

To Scout, The ups and downs we went through a while back had to do with him losing his job at one point. For a while I was the only working and I was wondering if he would ever get hired. He now has a stable job. My family doesn't want me to be in situation where I am the main bread winner and he is making way less than I am. I don't have a problem with making more money, as long as he is trying to better himself.

Hi, Here is my situation. I have been with boyfriend for over a year. We really do love each other. We went through our share of ups and downs, but we always managed to stay together. Well back in December, he propsed to me and it caught me by such surprise. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, but in time I decided to say yes. Now it comes to part where I have to tell my family. I love my family dearly, but they don' t think that he is good enough for me. I have two degrees (one is a doctorate) and he has none. He is also about 5 years younger than me. Another thing that is an obstacle is that he is white and I'm black. They feel like I should marry someone who is the same status, and preferably the same race. They worry about what society and other family members would say. They aslo worry that marriage will end up in divorce like many of the marriages in my family. I don't care what others would say because I'm not close them, but my immediate family means a lot to me. Even when I mention the possibility of getting engaged to him, they go into the whole thing about how I should see other options and that he isn't worth it. They still don;t know we are engaged. To make things a little more complicated. My fiancee wants me to live with him. However, my family want me to stay with them. Basically for the past few months. I've been trying to balance my time with both my fiancee and my family. It was easy at first because I was in school in the nest town over where my fiancee stayed, but it got harder because my family wanted me to home. This whole situation is putting a strain all of us. My fiance has been nothing but patient with me , and now he is getting very fustrated. I worry that he is going to just say forget it and dump me. My family has issues with me spending the night up there because it looks like i'm being "loose", and I can't tell tham why I'm doing it if me and him are just "dating". I feel like i'm pulled in all directions and my pressure has shot up really high and i can't seem to get it down on time to get this job I really want which is stressing me more. I want to make everyone happy, but all this sneaking around and secrets are making me sick. I'm 26 years old and I feel like I'm old enough to make my own choices. I just worry that my choice would break someones heart or even give someone heart trouble (my family has hypertension). Please help me.

Hi, I just wanted to know your takes on this. Why would a guy try to persue a girl for over a year? I know usually it means that he likes her for some reason. But is it possible that a guy would do this for purely sexual reasons? I would think that if a guy wanted sex, he could get it from anywhere, especially if he's desired by many girls. What do you all think? This same question can be applied to a girl persuing a guy as well.

Hi, I've been seeing this guy for 4 months now. We talked online on and off for a few months before we started dating. As I got to know him online, I found out that he had a child. However he does not know if that is child (long story). Well I decided to deal with him because I didn't think having a kid was major issue and he seemed to have his life in order otherwise. Well just before we met in person his car broke down. I didn't see that as a big deal. So I would drive to see him and when he could, he would borrow someones car to see me or get a ride. Again not a big deal. Well we started to spend a lot of time together over the winter break. When it was time for me to go back to school, we saw a lot less of eachother. At first we would try to see eachother in at least once a week. It became a challenge because my schedule became extremely busy and the distance was kind of long for him to travel in someone elses car (insurance reasons). Also when ever we would schedule time together, something would always come up on his in with his family. (There was a period of time where we did not see each other for a month. We were suppose to get together Valentines Day, but his childs mother got in trouble with the law, and he had to watch her). Matter of fact within the past two months I've only seen him once. Now I found out that he lost his job two weeks. It's been 4 months and his car is under repair still. Right now I'm at the point were I want to break things off (specially if we do not see each other over spring break). Am I wrong to feeling this way? What should I do?

Well the sight I met him on was not a dating site, but a lot of people either meet future mates or intimate encounters on there. The things is Matt told me from the the beginning that he was looking for a casual date. Maybe he had one set of intentions for me, but after he got to know me, he decided that he wasn't going to use me like that. During that night that he told me what he did about liking me, but couldn't be with me because of life circumstances, we almost got intimate. He stopped it because he didn't want take advantage of me. I don't knwo what to think of that to be honest with you. Why would go through the motions of telling how he feels and shows it. but at the same time, tell me he can't be with me?

Hi, I'm in the process of meeting people and finding a good mate. Well one of the guys (Matt) I met over the web dated for about a month (we are still friends). He's a great guy and such a gentleman. We never had sex, just kissed. He told me I was the first girl he has liked in a while and that he enjoys spending time with me. However, we met at a bad time in his life because he is going through a lot of changes regarding family and work. He told me that he wants me to live my life and date other people because he doesn't want to be the guy that holds me back from happiness. Well I had already started developing feelings for him big time and it kinds hurt that things didn't go as planned, but I took his advice about seeing other people. Well as I mentioned before, I've been dating trying to see what is availble about there. The second guy I met (Steve) is very nice, but I wasn't as interested in him as the first guy. I knew him for about two months (we met about the same time I Matt). Well we stared hanging out a little more, and in the process of things, we had sex. Afterwards I felt so guilty about it for so many reasons. One being is that I found out that both guys knew of eachother and were very cool with eachother (not close friends or anything like that, just went to college together that's all and played hoops every once in while). Secondly, I'm still friends with the Matt and if he finds out what happened, I'm not sure how he would take it. As a result, I backed off from Steve becauase I felt so bad, and I needed time to myself to sort things out. Me and Steve are also still friends. I still like Matt very much and I talk to him about once or twice a week. I'm scared that if Matt ever decided to be in a relationship with me in the future, he would hold it against me that I dated and had sex with an aquaintence of his. I know this situation sounds weird. Matt told me to date other people. I wasn't trying to get with anyone he knew (samll world). What should I do from this point on? Should I tell Matt about what happened between me and Steve? Would he think less of me?

Hi, I've been in along distance relationship for a couple of months now. I really care about this guy and he said really cared about me. When we first started talking, we would talk every single day online. Then he moved out of his apartment he shared with his roomates and now he has no internet access. They only way we can communicate during the week is by text message on the cell phone (he has a prepaid phone). On the weekends we can talk by phone. However, are communication is decreasing more and more because he always so busy and since he's lost his job, he's been trying to find ways to make money on the weekends. I told him to be honest with me about us and he said that he wants me stick by him through this time, but its getting hard. How can I stick by him when he can't even call me on the weekends? Why can't he take out an hour to call me? I have to practically hunt him down to talk to him. He does text me during the week, but even that is decreasing. I don't know if he is telling the truth or not, but all i know is that I am tired of this. Either he has to make more of an effort to talk to me or I am going to have to end it. It's not that i am being selfish. Shoot I am busy woman myself, but at least I make the effort to contact him. If wants to end things with me I wish he woud just be honest with me and do it. I'm tired of feeling depressed. What should I do?

Hi, I was wondering if you could help me with this long distance relationship. I met this guy over the internet a while back (about a month ago). We started really communicating on a daily basis about two weeks ago. Anyway, when we were talking, it was like we've known each other forever. We talked for hours at a time. The only problem is that we can only talk on the phone on the weekends, because he has a really bad pre-paid phone service. During the week we IM each other at least once a day or text message each other. Sometimes we have cyber sex. Well after a week and a half of talking, he told me that he loved me. He hasn't felt this way about anyone in along time this quickly. I was shocked to say the least because, we just really met. He said he said he wanted to be in a relationship with me. The funny thing about it is that I have such strong feelings for him, too. Well every convo since then has ended with I love you, from each other (He usually says it first). Well this weekend (about the second week), the first time we have gone two days without speaking. I left him a message. Maybe I should give it time. I hate the fact that it can be so hard to get in touch in with him. Right now a lot of thoughts are going through my head about the relationship. The first one being is if really loves me and if so how does he know so quickly. I just want to make sure that he really loves me and that he is not playing me for a fool. Secondly, can I really handle this long distance and the possiblility of not talking to him everyday. Sometimes it bothers me that he is so far away and that i can't talk to him when I want to. Thirdly, how i can talk to him about all these feelings if I am having trouble getting in contact with him. It really scares me that I have so much feelings for him so quickly. I wouldn't be reacting the way I am if he didn't tell me he loved me so many times. Did the cyber sex make a difference? Maybe I am worrying to much. What should I do?

Hi, This post is long so I apologize in advance. I met a guy a year ago for which still care deeply, even though we only saw eachother for a little while. We broke up because we had a disagreement that escaladed into something big. Basically, I thought he was flirting with a bunch of girls at party. During the convo, I basically revealed that I told my friends a lot about the relationship. He asked me what did I say. I lied, and said that I just told them we were hanging out as, nothing more, nothing less. The truth is, I let to many people into our business. I talked to my friends about everything that took place between he and I. If he did something to piss me off, I talked to them first before I talked to him. At the time I didn't think that what I did was wrong compared to the flirting he supposedly did (turns out he wasn't). After the disagreement, I apologized for everything I did, but at the same time I either made excuses or made the it seem like he was wrong for feeling what he was feeling. I would try to call him several times (not everyday) to make up for my mistakes, but he never responded. I kept making the same mistake over and over agin by getting friends involved and even trying to get them to help me set things right. It got to the point where he said that I was smothering him and he basically hated me for always being around him. I was hurt and angry for what he did to me. I began blaming him for everything that took place between us, and made myself out to be 100% innocent. I sought validation from friends, family and message boards to back up my claim, and 99% of time, most people sided with me. But, no matter how much validation I had, I still felt like I was in then the wrong. I see him everyday at school and things between us are so strained. Recently, I decided that I would participate in lent for 40 days and give up red meats and sweets. I did this because I wanted not only things to better for family, I wanted to be a better person in general. I also wanted a chance to set things right with this guy I sincerely care about. Well during this time of lent, I begin to re-evaluate things about myself and the relationship. I realized I was the main cause for our demise. The reason he acted the way he did towards me wasn't because he was a jerk. It was because I didn't think what I did was wrong and that I didn't understand why he was hurt. My constant calling and getting other folks involved didn't help matters. After realizing this, I feel like I am a loser and awful person for the way I handled things. I didn't mean to cause him pain, but I did. I always thought of myself as a nice and repectful person with a good heart, but I didn't respect him like I thought I did. I didn't consider myself a talkative person, because at my previous school I kept to myself. When I got to my current school, I opened up much more because it was a smaller setting. I got people involed in the past, because I wanted to make sure I did the right thing reguarding this guy (i'm haven't had many long term relatatioships, those people I would talk to did). In the process of seeking validation, I would post the same message over and over again just to see if I would get a different response. I feel like I was the definition of insanity (when one does an action many times, expecting a different result). I feel horrible for being selfish. Now I want a second chance to say I am sorry for my actions, this time admitting the wrong I did and not blaming him for misintepreting my action. I want a friendship back with this guy and possible more. I can't describe what I feel for him, because I never cared for a guy the way cared for anyone every dated before, and I only dated him for 2 months. I think about him on a constant basis. I stopped the talking. I was too much off a chicken to approach him myself sometimes. I see him everyday and I want to set things right. Please tell me the right approach to how I should go about apologizing to him this second time. I have realized the error of my ways and has really wroked on changing myself. Eventhough he speaks to me more that he did in the pass, I fear that it is too late and that too much time has passed. I just want to do the right thing. Please help me. Sincerely, penda

Hi, First I want to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you height. I know plent of guys your height and shorter that have girlffriends and friends. You shouldn't let that hinder you. If people are so shallow that they don;t want to deal with you because of your height, that forget them. I think because you have such feelings about your height, that causes you to have low self esteem. Believe it our not, people pick up on that (or a least the fact that you are sad) and can some times distance themselves from you. Secondly I'm not sure if you are shy if you or not, but try going out to different outing that relate to you interest. Try doing that because I'm sure you will meet some interesting people, that want to talk you and be you friend. Thirdly getting back to confidence issue, the more confidence you have, the better you feel about yourself, and people will take notice. You will meet the right girl who will love and respect you for who you are. At the same time, don't settle for any girl below your standards, just because you haven't dated in while. Stop downing yourself!!!!! I'm sure someone will find you interesting. Don't think of youself as an empty shell. Also, know that it is not the quantity friends you will get that matter. It's the quality. When looking for friends still be cautious. You are at state right now were you really want friendship. You will one day meet the right firends and have very meaningful relationship. I hope everything gets much better for you. You seem like a nice person, and I don't like to see anyone sad like this. Be more confident youself and great thing will come your way.

Don't feel feel like you failed in keeping the relationships going. I'm sure did everything you could. That right guy will come your way someday. I understand were you are coming from. Sometimes it seems like the guys that come my way are jerks, too. You just have to be patient and be selective. Think about qualities these guy had you did like, so you won't make the same mistake of getting involved with negative guys. Don't lower you standards so you could be in a relationship. Also be confident in youself. I'm sure that you have a sweet personality, but having confidence will make you just that much better.