SmintyMinty

Hi there! I've been seeing this great guy for the past 5 months and everything is good between us. We both love each other and are committed to each other. We live on the other side of town from each other and it's a 2 hour journey so it's kinda hard to get time alone with him. I do all the travelling to see him as he hates public transport and cos I live right in the city center he hates driving in. When we meet up, I feel like I'd like to spend time just with him but we always end up having dinner with his family or parents and almost always it's last-minute and unexpected. He's really family-oriented and I'm cool with that but I like our time together and when I've travelled accross town to spend time with him I feel kinda put out when suddenly we're having dinner with his folks! I live alone and my family don't live close by so I'm used to doing my own thing. I find it really intimidating when I'm surrounded by his family, although they're really nice and I get on with them. I just don't feel like I'm part of the family and at this point I'm not ready to be a big part of his family yet. That's kinda too big and scary for me to contemplate. Don't get me wrong, I know I will end up marrying this guy. We've talked about this and we both see our relationship going this way. I guess I'm still happy to keep an independent lifestyle don't feel I have to spend ALL my time with him or constantly prioritise him over my other friends. He doesn't go out as much as I do and spends virtually all his evenings with his mum or brother when I'm not around. I've talked to him about this and he doesn't seem to understand my point of view and thinks it's not right that I'd prefer to spend time with my friends and not him and his family. He has his own place and we stay there together when I'm round. When I'm not there, he'll go back to his ma's and stay there. I also feel there's some double standards going on here too. When my parents are in town and I ask if he wants to meet up with them, he starts coming up with excuses not to see them. I'm fine with that, if he's not comfortable then that's ok. I don't wanna force him to do anything he doesn't want to do or feel the need to turn it into an issue. But when it's the other way round and I say I'm busy and can't go (when really it's like I don't want to go) he'll start arguing with me and make out like I have a problem because I don't wanna spend time with his family. It's really starting to get to me as I've started lying, saying I'm busy and can't make it to his family dinners just to avoid going to them. His family expect me there too so he ends up having to explain why I'm not there. I remember one time I went out with a friend on a Saturday evening instead of spending the day with him and his family thought it was weird we weren't together. we've had disagreements about this before and I hate upsetting him. But I'm not happy seeing his family so much and hate doing stupid things like lying to him. I'm not sure what to do about this. It's scaring the hell out of me and it still feels like everytime I meet his family I'm still being watched and have to be on my best behaviour. I'm finding it quite stressful and y'know sometimes I'm feeling tired and deflated after work and I don't wanna slap on a happy face to his parents and act like it's all cool. Can someone help me out here, cos I love this guy to death but his family are scaring the hell out of me! I'm flattered that he wants to involve me with his family so much already but I just don't want to see them as much as he does! Thanks!

Hi , I guess I'm just wondering how much sex is TOO much??? I love my boyfriend and we've been together for over a year and we've always had a great sex. I always want to have sex but he's not the same. We have sex every day, usually twice a day and more on the weekends!?!? Is this normal? He says it's too much and he said that it was becoming a chore? I usually initiate sex and he does have a lower sex drive than me. I kinda get frustrated if I don't have sex at least every other day but my boyfriend is fine if we only do it once a week!?? I don't understand why he's wants to change things!? He's never said anything before! He says he's happy just to cuddle me and sleep with me without having sex but I'm not. Is he just not that into me anymore?? Am I being paranoid? I feel kinda hurt by it as I feel like if he doesn't want sex, that's like a rejection. Is anyone else in the same situation? I don't want to finish with my boyfriend over it but he keeps saying that he doesn't know what to do if he can't satisfy me!? I've told him it's ok and I'll tone it down but he says he feels inadequate. What can I do? anyone have any ideas? Thanks!!

I met my boyfriend from a dating site and we went through the same thing! I didn't want to ask him to take down his profile but I thought after 3 months and we weren't seeing anyone else I could ask him to. I was really nervous about bringing up the subject but in the end I just asked him straight out if he wouldn't mind taking them down. (He was registered on more than 1 website). I said if he agreed then I would do the same thing with my profiles. It was no problem at all and he said he was actually waiting for me to ask him to do it and he didn't think it was a big deal! She could be waiting for you to make the first move! If she refuses to then you need to ask her why she doesn't want to take it down and why she's still logging on. If she's still unsure about you and is using the online profile as a way to meet more guys then I think you need to think whether you want to stay with her or not or whether you just need to give her more time to get used to being with you! It's not easy giving up as she probably sees it all those single people and possible relationships online,. Maybe she just needs to get used to the idea of just being with you. I know 3 months seems a long time but I needed that time! I know it sounds odd but if you've been single a while and actively trying to meet people online it takes a while to get used to the idea! If your relationship is as good as you say then you should be able to talk about this and get it out in the open - if you don't you'll just keep suspecting her and wear away any trust you have for her. What you shouldn't do is make it out to be an ultimatum like "if you don't do it then you don't love me and want to make this relationship work". I wouldn't like to be backed into a corner! If she really respects your relationship and loves you she will let go eventually of the online thing by herself when she's ready. One more thought - and RayKay is right! If you were doing the whole online dating thing, you might have loads of profiles online. I'm sure I still have some profiles and photos online! I have deleted the ones which I was using most frequently out of respect for my boyfriend and he did the same thing. I know I still have trust issues with the whole online dating thing - I get paranoid that if he has a profile online then he is still looking or girls can still email him if they're interested. I can't do anything about that or stop him from doing it so I guess I just have to try and trust that he won't! I also think stalking her online using a fake profile is a bit much and very immature! That's just playing games and won't help you trust each other fi you want to build a relationship. P.S. And yes I did log onto dating websites to show my friends! I wasn't looking for another guy!

I wouldn't and couldn't ever make him throw out his exes stuff. I think I've no right to do that and he should be the one who wants to get rid of it. I don't have a problem moving on and throwing out my ex's stuff when I'm with a new boyfriend.

I have honestly thought about walking so many times and tried. I've tried to break up with him at least once every month we've been together. And everytime he promises he'll change and he says he knows he has to be more considerate and less selfish. And for a while it will be good and then it's back to the same old. A few of my friends say he's not good enough for me and doesn't treat me as well as I deserve. I think they're right but somehow I just can't seem to go through with it. I don't think he honestly believes any girl will leave him as he broke up with all his girlfriends. And just hearing what he says about them makes me think that he just ditched them because they weren't good enough for him, smart enough or pretty enough and he got bored of them. It's like they're dispensable. And I do feel that unless I'm no less than perfect I'm just not good enough. I'm not a jealous, insecure girlfriend and I'm very easy going with my boyfriends so it's strange for me to be feeling this way. I get a lot of guy attention and I'm not staying with him cos I feel I can't get another guy. I love him and forgive him time and again for the things he does and says even if I'm hurting really badly as when the times are good he makes me so happy. I'm wondering if it's all a control thing - it seems like things are only good between us when I'm doing what he wants.

Thanks to everyone who's posted...it's scarily spot-on what some of you have said. I don't feel like I'm going mad or imagining things. I think it is odd that he should keep stuff from exes who didn't seem to mean that much to him in the first place. He says he loves me and he does treat me - takes me out, we've been on a couple of holidays together and he sees me during the week when he can. It's just that I do feel second best, like I'm not good enough which I know isn't true. I do talk to him about how he makes me feel insecure but it's like he listens that minute and he'll do the same thing again. It's been 8 months and I'm really not into getting into long-term serious relationships but I stayed as I thought there was real potential here with my boyfriend. He is at his exes party right now. To make things worse he called me just before he went to tell me he wasn't sure if he was going to come round to see me tonight afterwards as he'd promised. I just don't feel I can ask what I want from the relationship from him. I just feel scared that if I do I'd push him too far and he'd finish things just like he did with his other exes. He says he doesn't know what to do in a relationship or how to behave. It's been painful at times as you're right I do put up with behaviour that most girlfriends wouldn't have taken and just walked. He does what he wants and doesn't care how it makes me feel. I don't really believe he loves me when he says he does. If he really does love me then he wouldn't want to do things that he knows will hurt me right??? There's been many times when I say I don't like something he's done or tell him something he did or said has really hurt me, he doesn't understand what he's doing wrong. It's like he'd rather ignore it and do what he wants no matter how I will feel. Right now I feel so hurt that he's at her party without me - he went anyway even when I said I would prefer it if he didn't.

Hi there! I've been with my boyfriend for just over 8 months and we're both very happy with each other and said we love each other. The problem is I just can't seem to trust him or believe that he is over his exes. He's 28 and has never had a relationship longer than 4 months and he says I'm his first love. I don't normally get jealous about exes but it seems like he keeps hanging on to them. He's still good friends with an ex-girlfriend who he knows still wants him back and they broke up 3 years ago. He's going to her birthday party tonight and I wasn't invited as she's insanely jealous of me and doesn't want me around. He was sorting through some old photos a few weeks ago and he kept all the ones of her. He's also kept photos of his other ex-girlfriends and love letters and gifts from them. He has toiletries they bought him all around the room. Yesterday I saw this plain old mug in his room and when I asked if he wanted me to put it in the kitchen he took it and said he wanted to put it somewhere safe. He told me it was a present from an ex-girlfriend from years back who is now married and pregnant. It's like these things still mean a lot to him and he hasn't gotten over it. Am I going mad? It's just a mug right? If he's over her why are all those things from his exes still such a big deal to him?? I know it's stupid but I feel like I don't mean an awful lot to him as all that stuff from his exes mean so much and he's so protective of it all. I know he didn't treat them all so well when he was dating some of them. He says he doesn't have any feelings for any of his exes anymore but I find it hard to believe him when it seems like he can't even let go of those material things and all the memories. I don't feel special to him and keep thinking he'd rather be with any of those other ex-girlfriends and I don't mean all that much to him as he still keeps so many reminders of his past. He throws away things I give him; he hasn't kept the birthday card I sent him but has kept all his ex-girlfriend's letters. It's stupid I know but I keep doubting that he really loves me as much as he says he does when he can't forget about the others. I've never asked him to put the stuff away but he knows he shouldn't be keeping them as he acts all guilty when I see them. I feel very insecure and he knows this. He finished things with all of his previous girlfriends and it's like he still wants them hanging around for an ego boost or something. It really hurts as it feels like being with me is not enough. One of his ex-girlfriends who dislikes me he is always defending as he doesn't believe that she is like that and he says I'm just being paranoid and judgemental. We've had so many fights about her. I don't understand what the problem is or why I'm feeling this way! He'll never get back with any of them so why does he need them still around or reminders of them?? I don't want to be with a guy who can't give me his whole heart and it feels like at the moment I only have some of it. It really upsets me as I really love him and I want to believe that he's special but I just can't see it. Do I just get over it and ignore the ex-girlfriend stuff around his place or do I take it like it's a big warning sign?

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 months and we are great together. The problem is that even when things are going great I always try to find a way out and break up with him. It's pretty stupid as the reasons are always really petty. He's kind, loving, generous, patient and I love him and he loves me but at the same time something in me just wants to break away and its not something I'm conscious of doing. It just happens! It's like I'll find any excuse to pick a fight with him and there are times I'll just cry as I want to be out of the relationship as I feel scared. Not sure what I'm scared about! Maybe I'm afraid that it will all go wrong or he'll leave me for some other girl and it's going so good right now! My boyfriend is really patient with me when I go through those moments with him and he keeps saying that he always feels as if he's one talk away from me finishing with him. I don't understand why I keep trying (at least a few times every month we've been together) to break up with him and I have no good reason too. so why do I keep sabotaging the relationship? I've done this before in previous relationships even when the guy was in love with me and I refused to believe it. I really think my boyfriend is special and I love him more than anyone else before him but I can see that I'm repeating my destructive behaviour pattern in this relationship. I can see how it hurts my boyfriend and I hate myself for it. Can anyone give me any advice on how to handle this? I feel like such a freak... thanks everyone!

Hey there! I've been seeing a lovely guy for the past 4 months. everything is great, we've even been away on holiday together but the only arguments we've had are over one of his ex-girlfriends who he is still good friends with. When I first met her she was rude to me and acted like she could still call the shots with him. That was a few months ago. since then he's been behind my back and seen her without telling me until afterwards and I was very upset and we rowed. He just moved and she emailed him and wants to visit him at his new flat. he told me and i felt funny about it. she still wants him back but from what he's said she was a friend he slept with for a year and he didn't love her but she wanted to settle down with him. I always have a bad gut feeling bout her and we always row when he brings her up. he knows i don't like her but it feels like he always defends her and will see her even if he knows it will upset me. not sure how to deal with it - if she wasn't a rude to me when I first met her i wouldn't have a problem! the last 2 times we nearly split up cos we were rowing about her and i had enough. I don't want to tell him he can't see her anymore and I know I got no right to ask him to do that but it really upsets me. her bloke dumped her a few months ago and since then she's after him again. he doesn't stop her either and i think he just likes the attention. what you think i should do??? i don't like her, will never like her and he will keep seeing her even though he knows i don't like her. i am so tired and fed up of this same situation happening over and over again. the worst thing is everything is going so well and the only problem I have is with HER! He can't see that she has a problem with me or that she was even rude to me the first time we met and I'm annoyed that he can't see what she's really like! Please can someone help me out here!? i don't want to split up with him but I can't take it if this carries on! I have commitment-phobia issues and I tend to break off relationships instead of working through problems but I'm trying really hard with this guy as he's different to the others and I think I'm falling in love with him already and it scares me to hell! what can i do? anyone been in a similar situation?? thanks!

I'm 5 ft 2 and I've never dated a guy shorter than 6ft! I thought we'd look odd as they were so much taller but it wasn't really a problem! The guys I went with liked short girls - said it was cute! But I did have to wear heels!

I know when you break up it's natural to wanna know why but my feeling is that you just are never gonna know for sure. It's hard to rationalise feelings and provide reasons for everything. Sometimes it just doesn't work out and there's no straight answer. I guess if you want to ask your ex why be prepared for answer you might not want to hear. either way you're never gonna know if he's telling the truth anyways. He might tell you what he thinks you want/need to hear. I think asking these questions just stops you from moving on. You didn't do anything wrong, sometimes it's just not meant to be and you need to accept that as part of moving on. Dwelling on the past and what happens won't fix things with your ex. Give yourself and him space and time to get over this. I know it's real hard and painful for you right now, my boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago so I kinda know what you're feeling. Please don't feel down about yourself, you're not to blame for the relationship ending - takes two after all...! Go out, hang with your friends and it does get better!

I've had a similar experience too...it's painful and totally kicks your self-esteem to the kerb. I was with this guy for 5 months and in the beginning he chased me and I wasn't all that interested but he started to grow on me and I began to fall for him. On the weekends when we met he'd be all over me and we were very intense and passionate with each other. He broke up with me as he said he didn't think his love for me was enough and he still felt tempted to be with other girls. I gradually got to realising that it's nothing to do with me - there's nothing wrong with you! You can't make people love you and they either fall in love with you or don't. I don't think it's as simple as having a "crush" on someone being the main focus of a relationship either. My ex said he was looking for the "spark" or x-factor and there was something with me but he didn't feel it was enough. He said he couldn't be committed to be while he still felt temptation or give me the love, happiness and commitment I deserved. He told me I would feel happier after he left and would feel a weight off my shoulders and it was true. It hurt like mad at first and I felt numb with the pain for the first week or so but I'm still here. We had a long-distance relationship too and that didn't help us to get close or get to know each other better. I did more for him than he ever did for me - I did most of the travelling up to see him, organised stuff to do. Everything I did was to try to please him and make him love me to the point where I almost felt like I disappeared. In the end it didn't work. It just wasn't there for him and I let him go...my advice is to move on..find someone who will love you as you are and why do you want to stay with someone who doesn't love you anyway!?? There is NOTHING wrong with you and you deserve much better! I can say that it does get better and it's best to be out of a relationship that causes you pain and sadness. Take time to find yourself do what makes you happy and never let your self-esteem rely on what he thinks of you!

I've guess out of the guys I dated two of them were really terrible kissers but theycan be fixed! If it's the first kiss give it a bit of time - he just needs to know what you like and the best way to do it is to take the initiative when you kiss him and do what you like! He should copy what you do and before you know it he'll be kissing good! If he's giving too much gagging tongue action, I used to pull back a little bit and stop giving him tongue and move back to kisses on the lips and then gradually when I sense him taking it slower I'll gradually give him tongue again. Another trick I tried with a guy once - (he was totally passionate about me so I can understand why he was doing the whole deep hard fast tongue thing) was to play a little game! I'd tell him he has to lie back and let me kiss him how I want for 10-15 minutes and he can't do anything and if he does want to do it he has to copy me!!! This is kinda fun and doesn't hurt their feelings...it's real sexy too once you get going and believe me he'll know what you like after that and you don't have to say a thing! The guy i did it with was really flattered and loved it as he just had to sit back and enjoy! Hope this helps!!!

Hi thatguy04! I think you kinda answered your own question! If girls do that they like your hair! I dated this guy once who had extreme hair like out of anime and it was gelled and spiked but I also liked it better when he'd just washed the gunk out of it or when he got up in the morning and it was all soft and mussed up!

I won't disagree with what CK says as I think a lot of women find those things important in a guy and it's reductive to generalise about what ALL women want. women look for different things in guys at certain stages in their life and what they want out of life at the time. Sure when I was younger I wanted a popular, goodlooking guy but the older you get the more you realise that those things do not last forever and there has to be more substance behind the looks. Like I've always gone for tall guys as I'm quite short but it's not merely the fact that he is "tall" it's what that represents to me - i want a guy who looks like he can look after and protect me. I like masculine men who are focused and know what they want out of life as I find that very attractive. I don't find muscles very appealing, I go for guys who are medium build and my boyfriend doesn't work out. I want to date a guy who feels real and not hard like a slab of beef! I don't find womanizing men attractive - it's a real turnoff and I could never date a man who didn't respect women. I like men who have the courage to be themselves. I agree with whitefang: looks, muscles and being a tough guy doesn't always pay off...guys who rely on these to attract women are insecure and don't have anything else going for them. You should have the confidence to be yourself and be happy with who you are! If you don't like yourself you cannot expect a girl to like you! A girl who truly cares for you should and will accept you for what you are.