jazzykat

Hi GFI, I would have to say that I echo Lady's thoughts on your situation.. At this stage I don't really have anything else to add. From what I've read of your posts, I would still stick with the NC, at least until your ex approaches you for her belongings -if that's what she opts to do.. -that way, you've definitely respected her wishes. I read in one of your other posts that she is 19? (and looking at your profile, you are 29?) Do you think that part of her behaviour, is her wanting to spread her wings? -and experience the dating scene? -and not neccesarily wanting to be tied down to a committed relationship? I guess that's what a lot of people her age may be doing? Hard to say really, but I just put that out there as a possibility.. Anyway, like Lady says -keep on doing what you have been doing recently. That seems to be working well for you. Jaz.

Lol!! You are such a classic Zero!! To the Op, I'm dying to know what happened next... Are they a couple? More dates to follow? This is like one of those books that you can't put down!!

....Strange you say that... feels like there's someone on here who keeps posting under different user names (dummy accounts)... -funny how many "posters" have just sprung up in the month of January... -sometimes I even think the person posts to themself to make him/her look popular or something..? LOL! Weird what some people will do. Aaah well... I'm sure the Admin will pick it up with the IP addresses.. -we all know multiple accounts aren't allowed..

Well again, my situation is different, I guess in the beginning, it was promises and lip service that got me back... -now it seems like he is trying to force himself to stay in my life.. I guess maybe I could answer it as -to get me back -for good- (back then) He would've had to have definitely gone to therapy, put in an active effort towards undoing the damage he inflicted on the relationship, working on the relationship WITH me -not just leaving it all up to me, learned to communicate better, control his anger, work on his self esteem.... -the list goes on... He *said* he would do all of those things... but he never ever did.. -every excuse under the sun for why not. I guess I just got sick of getting hurt, over, and over, and over, and he REALLY REALLY hurt me -made a huge impact on my self esteem. -and I also got sick of the broken promises.. -So here I am today.... stuck in a situation with a guy who thinks he can FORCE his way back into my life, or FORCEFULLY stay in my life -by controlling the situation via refusing to cut the last link to me.(sign his name off the lease/move out) Looking back, he really was always controlling in a Passive Aggressive and Manipulative way, he REFUSED to believe it was over when I wanted to break up (he always had the attitude "Oh she doesn't mean what she's saying, I know what's best for her" -GRRRRR!!!!) -obviously still does- and tried (is trying) to FORCE me to stay in a situation that I'm not happy in! Sorry to hijack your thread GFI! -got a little carried away there -my ex just get's me angry the way he won't take no for an answer and get out of my life -it's creepy, and it's like he's delusional or something!! He makes me cringe out of embarrassment for him, because he honestly thinks he can have a future with me -and everthing I do to tell him/show him otherwise -he just excuses it away.. Sometimes I get sooooooooo angry at him out of frustration and really give it to him, to try and get him out of my life -but it seems like he must just pass it off as "Oh she's having a little tantrum/she's got PMT -she'll calm down -I'll just give her some space.." ARRRGHH!! I feel like I have to be really really nasty to him to get the message accross!! Because when I'm polite or whatever, he must see me as being weak -and think he can manipulate me into staying or something?! -If someone doesn't want to be with you, why force it -why can't he just accept and move on?!! -UGHH!!! I feel like inventing a new relationship and rubbing it in his face -to get rid of him! -No matter which approach I take with him -he'll always explain it away in his own little head, and still cling to the idea that I want to be with him..!! Actually, I'm going to not have any contact aside from prompting him to pay rent (if he doesn't pay -it comes down on me..) -and see if he likes paying half rent for an apartment he doesn't and never will live in.. maybe that'll make him wake up and realise it's over, and that he needs to get out! -sheez!! It's gone from wanting to break up because he keeps hurting me/we're uncompatible.... to me resenting him to the point of near hatred -because he won't take no for an answer -he's driven me to that. There is no turning back now. EVER. Ahhhhhh..... vent over now!! (bit of a ramble actually!) -over to you GFI!

Hi GFI, Well first off I really read any of the posts -no matter what forum they are in.. I just click on the "New Posts" button -and go from there..-it brings up all the posts which have recently been posted, regardless of forum. I guess you could say I'm forum surfing To answer your question...um.. I guess I have to answer that in the 'here and now' -at this point in time.. Well to date, I have taken my ex back countless amounts of times -on the promise that he would change/get better/go to therapy.. I wanted to believe him, I really did.... but everytime it would be good for a couple of days, and then he would go back to his same ole, same ole. I guess he did this to me enough times, that it actually affected my feelings for him -hard to explain -but it's like something changed or 'died' inside of me? I guess over time a wall has been put up inside of me, and each subsequent time he hurt me -more bricks or layers were added to that wall.. The point I'm at now, I have absolutely ZERO trust (that he'll change) -and I believe that my heart has moved on... I still grieve for what once was, but I now think that the person he is now -is the person he really was inside all along.. And the beginning of the relationship (what *I* thought was nice) was really just a lie, and it was him trying to be something he's not, in order to win me over. Whatever I had for him has died, and it's like my heart, and obviously my mind, just refuses to go there again -no matter what.. If he came back saying he changed, I just wouldn't, couldn't believe him -my heart and soul wouldn't let me... and that is the truth. I'm not hurting for the person he is, I'm hurting for what he led me to believe we *had* -what he led me to believe he was -and I'm hurt that he took that away.. irrational really -because it was a lie to begin with.. But anyway, he promised time and time again to get therapy -he never did. At least you are. Hard to compare the two situations really.. But to honestly answer your question, I would have to say, in my situation -no.

GFI -you sound so much better! I like the way you're percieving the situation now! Keep up the strong positive attitude! It will stand you in good stead later on, whatever the outcome! Is there a chance that maybe a friend, or mutual friend could take care of giving back each other's belongings? Just a thought.... -it might just help you with keeping up the no-contact..? No contact is hard isn't it? -I'm trying to do it myself. I'm the dumper in the relationship (my ex relationship wasn't healthy) -but I find it just as hard. The relationship wasn't good for me -so I have to keep reminding myself that, if I get tempted to contact/reply to contact.. I can relate to being surrounded by reminders -my ex used to live here, until I asked him to leave. The reminders can be painful, especially when you think of the future you had planned together.. But nevermind -wasn't meant to be.. and I guess in time, it will get easier.. I'm actually looking forward to time being single and working on me. In time I know I will find someone more suitable, but for now I'm just content to enjoy my own company and rediscover my interests. What do you do for relaxation/fun GFI?

GFI -I am really not trying to be cruel, and I resent you saying that. Nor am I responsible for your depression. I am not trying to be harsh either. I am just trying to point out to you what I (& a lot of other posters) are reading from your exes behaviour/what she has said in IM conversations. I was also trying to point out that it is not very loving behaviour on both your parts.... Maybe I have been more blunt -sorry - but you keep on insisting that she wants to be with you, when her actions clearly say she doesn't. I can appreciate that you are hurting, and that you feel remorseful that you have treated her badly, but she wants you to let go. Even if she hasn't moved on, she is trying to. I think it is great that you are getting therapy, I really do. It shows a maturity on your part, that you are owning up to the way you treated her -and are doing something positive to change. Nearly everyone on this board is advising you to leave her be. -And so far you are doing that -great again.. But, do you think that looking at her My Space Page is doing you any good? How can you heal if you are doing that? You asked if she has moved on in a week? -who knows? -but it looks like she is trying to.... maybe that's what you should focus on? I truly believe that you will get yourself better.. But as for this relationship... maybe there is too much water under the bridge -too much damage done. I realise this is the last thing you are probably wanting to think about now -but maybe you are more suited to a different kind of partner...? When you are better, I believe you will find that person.

Actions speak louder than words.. You -Treating her with disrespect to the point where she is more scared of you than a rapist. Her -Enjoying her new found freedom to just be herself, and obviously enjoying exploring avenues of dating other guys. (With all due respect) .......Maybe neither of you really love each other?

That's great that she's joined a chat site -I hope that she meets and makes many new friends!! Maybe she will meet someone more suited to her in there... good luck to her! Yes, we are aware that this is the "Getting Back Together Forum" I just don't see how you don't realise that she simply doesn't want to be with you! So, wouldn't this be more aptly posted in the "Healing After a Break Up Forum?" Goodness Gracious! This is getting creepy! You scare her, she is probably too scared to verbalise to you "a break up for good" -as she is scared of your reaction.. -so she wavers on the precise wording of it.. So many times throughout your posts -she has made it very clear that she doesn't want to be with you.. Why do you keep pushing it? I'm sorry, but You're not doing yourself any favours either. This is exactly what an ex of mine did -I found it soooooo frustrating.. Why do you expect her to "be there" for you as a "friend" and "support you" -when you hurt her sooooo badly? -you have abused her.. she is suffering far more than you are right now -and yet you feel that she 'should' be the one supporting you? she would barely have enough strength to try and heal herself -let alone "being there" for the person that inflicted all of this pain on her.. I don't understand your logic, or reasoning in any of this.. Sorry to be harsh -but you are acting out of selfishness.. If I inflicted so much pain and abuse on someone, to the point where they state that I scare them worse than a rapist, I couldn't bear to even show my face.... let alone try and (eventually) persue a relationship with them.. Wow... just wow! I'm really worried about your ex... this whole thing sounds very disturbing..

Amen! =D>

Hey seriously, you acted quickly and responsibly... you should be fine.. Just make sure you get a pregnancy test done in a week or so, just to make sure. Chill.. it'll work out ok.

"I can't promise anything. I don't know. I don't know if we can have contact then, or ever again for that matter. I dont know right now. I just need a little bit of space." Please respect her wishes, and leave her be... I think you are grasping at straws here. You seem to think you know what she wants -yet you refuse to hear what she is telling you. You have to move on.. Both for her sake, and yours..

Been on the recieving end, in one of these relationships. When I was a lot younger. It wasn't very pleasant.... took while to get over the effects.. -very very emotionally draining. The most straight forward advice I can give - No means No. If the partners request that you don't contact them, then don't. Simple... don't think that you "know what's best for them" -or they aren't really serious in what they are saying.. It's just basic respect.

So, you are not going to contact her? You are going to give her the space that she asked for?

I'm a straight female... and I absolutely LOVE going to the gay clubs! I've been going for years! -and probably have more gay friends, than I do straight.. The atmoshere is electric there, and everyone is soooo friendly!!