mike_chppr

I agree with most everything here, Lube (basic waterbased), your anal canal doesn't self lubricate so you won't be able to just put lube on and even slowly stick it in. it is a process. You have to be relaxed and want to enjoy the process. you can practice on your own with a dildo, lube the outside of your anus with a goop of lube and massage the wrinkles and then slowly slip in a finger and extract, get used to doing it to yourself, before letting him go there. Find your comfort, see if you can do one LUBRICATED finger then two LUBRICATED fingers I don't know about FOUR that seems a little much to me. There is an anal toy I think called the ripple that has a graduated cylendrical ripples to it. I would practice with yourself and a dildo first. Make sure and relieve yourself before because as he pulls out it will feel like you are taking a crap and if there is any crap in there it is following his thing on the way out! This could be a very unpleasant experinence for the both of you. I don't recommend an enema though. If you take a crap a half hour or hour before your extracurricular activities you should be alright. This is also why I recommend working with yourself and a dildo, use lots of lube everytime you insert there should be more lube, his thang should be very well lubricated as well, I'm talking dripping lubricated. You can put some lube in a condom and twist it in, then pull the condom over your fingers pinching where you twisted the lube in, kind of like you were using a plastic bag to pick up a dog crap. Then you can insert the condom with your fingers and release the twist putting the lube on the inside, the outside is easy it is getting the lube on the inside that is difficult. I recommend practicing in the bathtub just in case you have an um... accident. Trust me not a wivestale, I'm speaking from experience on this one. I really enjoy anal sex. But here is the MAJOR, MAJOR RULE.... Nothing that goes into your anus should come anywhere near your vagina. that includes his thang. without a very complete cleaning. Because of this I used condoms during anal so I could slip it off and be reared to go for vaginal intercourse. PM me I have some more things, but I don't think it is appropriate for a public board. mike_chppr

BTW snipped means I had a vasectomy and I am already circumcised(unfortunately)

OK, well when you add a second sexual relationship onto this one I'd like to know how it goes... It seems like you are doing a lot of justifying here and you really latched onto the post that sort of agreed with you as a sort of slim hope that what you are doing is OK. Do the math, count up posts pro and con and both and see the weight, you came to this board for a reason, and it appears that you wanted someone to agree with you. If you want to go on the casual sex scene why did you choose someone with only three priors. i.e. his name and number aren't scratched into bathroom walls. If you want to play the casual sex scene find an infantry unit at a military base. You are gambling with STDs and you may inadvertently give one to this poor kid. He is taking a huge risk and doesn't know it. You selected him partly for his inexperience. He selected you because you seduced him. Now you have had a rough life, and the catch here is that he is getting is lessons from the school of hard knocks. Can you really break it to him that you screwed some other guy a few days ago. Or even a few hours ago. Can you expect him to do the same. So lets say he now looks for this sort of free sex elsewhere. He is inexperienced to the sex scene as well, but he becomes accustomed to haveing a screw-buddy. He then finds another girl that isn't as protected or doesn't use birth control as you do. And BAM. I've seen it happen with two friends of mine who were screw-buddies, and then he moved on and she saught the same thing elsewhere, within two weeks she had an STD and a child on the way. Truth be told she wasn't sure if it was my friends or two other guys. Post an add on Craigslist, "Looking to break into the Casual Sex Scene with Hot Inexperienced Men." I'm sure you can find someone that you aren't going to crush. This poor guy, has it coming to him or cumming one way or the other, if you don't give him an STD, he will most certainly get one from someone else and possibly end up with a child on the way, not with you, but with someone that he treats similar to you. I don't know, You have to live with yourself. If you want to do casual sex, like I said go to an infantry unit on an Army base, they'll be more than happy to service you after a tour in Iraq, and there will be plenty of "hot guys." It is up to you. Why don't you have this guy read this thread to make an informed decision for himself. mike_chppr

Does your mother look at you as ugly? or does she see herself as ugly? What about your dad or siblings?

He really does know how to push your buttons. What kind of split agreement is he offering on the house or is he taking more just because he makes more. How much more does he make like is your income 45% and his 55% or some other combination. It would seem healthy just to get out. But you have to do what is best for you. later, mike_chipper

Aside from fear I guess my view on life is that if you cannot currently live on your own indepentently separated from your parents, you are not ready. The next rule is if you have doubts then don't. The next rule is try and find at least three people who are going through or have been through your same situation and discuss what they did or are doing. Use those as a reference for what is healthy and what isn't. My first time was when I was 22yrs old. I'm glad that I waited that long. Because when the time came I knew I was ready and why I was ready and the risks that I was possibly taken on. just some thoughts, mike_chppr

This thread has been enlightening. I didn't live together before marriage, I think mostly because her parents would have thrown a fit and as far as they knew we wern't having sex. We did have religious convictions about the commitment. And I think that stuck us through some miserable years. I think realisitcally we would have made it 3 years without the religious conviction and the fear of telling her parents that she was unhappy in marriage and wanted out. I in some ways wanted out, and I think that is why I'm OK with it so quickly. I was attracted to so many other women, and I felt it was only a matter of time before I cheated on my wife. That is part of why I volunteered for Iraq is to get away from my life and not cross that bridge. Now, I've only lived by myself for a week, it is the first time I have lived by myself without a roomate in my life. It is me time. I'm prepping to have someone live with me if someone special comes into my life, things like buying a queen sized bed and two bedside tables, intentionally keeping one empty. I'm not looking for a serious relationship for at least 12 to 18 months, but I figure I'll start dating in 6 to 8 months. And like was mentioned I think sex is a huge step in a relationship, but moving in is different altogether. I think it is very similar to the flip side of the coin. When my STBX and I decided to get a divorce, in our minds we were divorced right then! Wrap up the technical details and move on. Yes it hurt, I think it may have hurt less as I had only been back from Iraq for two months and we hadn't readjusted to one another yet. When you move in together, you can have the plan that it is a long term reltionship with the commitment to one another that is sincere outside of some governmental papers. It can be just like a marriage, and can work. Look at Lesbian and Gay long term relationships for proof of this. I think going through divorce your concept of marriage is forever tarnished a little bit, you grieve that it was not a lifetime commitment as you had promised and expected. We both gave it our best shot and knowing the outcome we would do it all over again. So now what am I looking for. I want to develop sexually, and I guess I've never quite thought of doing that outside of having someone move in with me. After reading through all of these posts, I'm leaning towards marriage before moving in. Pregnancy is not an issue as I have been fixed. If I were to have children in this process, I think most certainly that I wouldn't have someone move in without a Marriage License from the court. There is something about that commitment. If you are committed in your head to spend the next half decade with someone, then that will be what it is. If you are commited to growing old with someone that is what it will be. Now if you are unhappy with those commitments it makes them easier to execute in the five year plan and the concept of growing old and bitter with someone is way worse than growing old and happy with no one. So that commitment can be strained, I think along with commitment you need to pursue happiness together, both short term and long term. So moving in together as a commitment to grow old and happy with one another is very different from moving in together for companionship. It is interesting that arranged marriages are brought up here on these boards. In Iraq, arrangements are the norm. I guess the catch is that it is usually your cousins that you are being arranged with. In Iraq there is divorce and there are men with more than one wife (4 is the limit from the Koran). One of the guys joked with us on patrol is that he had figured out how to have 5 wives.... punch line.... he divorced his first one. I think there must have been 30+children running around inside his yard. But all of them seemed happy. Even the divorced woman who was fine with her living arrangements. But more on the arranged thing. Lets use the story of two of my interpreters. Scorpion and Mongoose Maj. Scorpions parents were divorced and he lived mostly with his mom. His dad lived about an hour away he spoke english and had been a new iraqi soldier with the new iraqi army. He spoke english so well, that the team prior to us were able to get him interpreters pay. so he started making 3X as much. There was a girl in his hometown who was an english teacher he was in love with her and had tried to go through the process of working out an arrangement in his favor. So he has to tell his mother and sisters he has some interest. Then she goes about the process of connecting with the girls mother and seeing if the interest is mutual. Not so much as the girls interest, but the families interest. So the girls family does an investigation of the boys family. His dad was a jerk and didn't want to come down to interview with his love's family so they denied his mother and sisters efforts. They soon developed a relationship on the phone, but wouldn't be seen with one another, an assured death sentence to the relationship and a scar on the families reputation. Well about 8 months later they gave it a go again and his father finely went down to meet the family. Once the families agree that it is a match the womans family has a month to request public information regarding the integrity of Scorpion and his family. So after the month is up the womans father can still bow out. Then face to face the womans father will tell Scorpion. So we were asking him if he was getting married and he was like I don't know yet!, Then there was a * * * *e thing where no weddings could happen during the month and Ramadan and Asura. He finally was getting married. So we are hazing him like man you are going to get laid man. Granted he hasn't ever masterbated, he has only had wet dreams, and that is a part of his clenliness before God. I had some lube and I asked him to put a drop of lotion on his fingers and feel what it feels like he did it, paused and then totally flipped, "Is that jack off in a bottle." I told him it wasn't, but it helps this that and the other.... Yes I had a bottle of lube in Iraq, Sandy Palms was a little on the S&M side. So he got married, came back and we were like so did you... Nope they are doing a trial. So basically she moves in with him as his wife, they have a ceremony and everything. But they do not have sex for a whole month. This is a cultural thing so that she is still a virgin if things don't work out between them. And then the story goes, he got laid and I was the Sexual instructor on the art of licking kiwi with a wedge taken out of it. I also gave him Ian's Book She comes first. He asked me so many questions, like he didn't realize that it would be kind of like "meat" granted he is translating from Arabic in his head to english so that is a fairly good description. Anyways they Love each other, their marriage was arranged, and he picks out western lingerie and I send it to him through the coalition mail. Outside she is covered, but not as much as some. She wears something over her head but not totally covering her whole face. They like the fact that they can speak english around their families and no one knows what they are talking about. He bought a house right after the wedding, and financially he is stretched very thin, even on an interpreters salary which is almost 12X the national average. Mongoose, that's my buddy right there. Think of an Arab that looks and sounds like a Columbian Drug Dealer with a bad attitude. Heart of Gold, but that is his first impression. You realize very quickly out there that your sterotypes of what certain facial expressions or nonverbal body language mean is very different if not contradictive to what you would expect in Amercia. Mongoose spoke great english but when he went to go get certified as an interpreter he got in an argument with the person doing his interview. For some reason the Amercian interpreter thought he was from a different region. He told them he was from South Iraq. The american terp told him that he had learned Arabic 100% in american schools, but Mongoose was sure that his dialect was from southern Bagdad and that he was origionally from Iraq. So they had a rif between them and somehow he got put on the blackout list. He had to get a pass onto american bases before he could be hired. So we had to go to the Base Instalation Commander to get a waiver, and so he would always have to be with one of us, which he was. That infuriated me but that was a whole different story. Well, one month he comes back and is like Do you have Playboy?, I was like No, he was like the other team had it! And he figured somehow we did to. OK I had two to four magazines. Well he came to borrow them and I never got them back. Realize that Maxim magazine is considered porn for their culture... I don't know how to respond to or explain how they react, but it is out there. So anyway Mongooses background is that his dad married two women, and abandoned his mother for the younger one. So he is very jaded on the whole two wifes concept. And we saw repeated incidences of how this really affected their culture in a negative manner. Other than the one with 4+1 wifes. The other aspect of Mongoose is that he was ADDICTED to pornography. Guys doing guys and girls and every which way it didn't matter to him. His priority was to get the satalite set up and tuned into a spice channel type slappen and tappen. Come to find out he was not a virgin, he had been with 9 * * * * * * in Bagdad on separate occaisions and had no intent of scaring his familes reputation by disclosing this. Well Mongoose's family set him up with this girl. He went through a similar arrangement as Scorpion with the familes. But here, his mother got with her mother and discussed an arrangement, and then her mother went and talked to her about marrying him. And she agreed then back through her mother through mongooses mother and then an investigation goes on without Mongoose knowing about it. So he came back and was like I'm getting married next month. And then he went on his pornography binge, he watched and watched and every spare moment he wasn't translating he was watching. He had gotten an external hard drive from a Marine that was loaded with hours and hours of it. He also married with the whole ceremony and went through the one month trial without sex. This preserves her virginity. Since men in Iraq don't always live at home the woman moves in with his family, this trial period is for her to get interconnected to his familes way of doing things. If for some reason it is horrendous somehow she can leave and go back. Now in her case it was his cousin (as it is with most marriages in Iraq). So she was only about 2 blocks from her origional family, (Yes, their family really is that large, no birth control and a culture that loves sex.) He was married and then we came back to the US and he since has a baby on the way. The MAJ, well there is this Major, I'm going to call him M so that no identifying info is out on him. He married his cousin in a similar arrangement to Mongoose, they have been married for 5 or 6 years, and have a daughter, his relationsip with his wife is very puppydoglike, they send cell phone graphics such as beating hearts and Cupid shooting arrows and he adores her. He did not no anything about her before they were married, as he would say it AineeeTing about her. But she is so good to him. He has tons of Islamic religious parables, and he is a man that has a level of integrity of no one that I have ever met in my life. Now, he is in the Iraqi Army and he is in constant fear of someone killing his wife and daughter while he is in on duty. He is one of the most professional soldiers in the entire Iraqi Army and if I could pull any strings I had I would move him, his wife and daughter to the states to live with me so that they are not slaughtered when this thing boils over. Pictures, Scorpion And Mongoose showed me pictures of their wives. Realize they will not even show a picture to their bestest friend, as he may lust after her and cause problems between them. This kind of conservatism is chosen by the woman how secretive she will be for her spouse and his reputation in the public and before God. the MAJ never showed me a picture, but it meant a great deal to them that I brought a picture of my wife and house and dog and showed them, what they would consider to be a very personal thing, "what my wife looks like" I hope that gives some insight into arranged marriages in the context of a third world country. I was one of the origional Iraqi Army Advisors over there, and as crazy and scary as it was, I would want to do no other job, I don't think it would be as fulfilling and rewarding even though I have feelings that I wasted a year of my life over there as most if not all of my efforts were thwarted by corruption. The Sadam video was just another example of the incompetencies that I delt with on a daily basis with the Iraqi Government System. They are Soverign, they will do as they wish, but this should be on the Off Topic board. Later, mike_chppr

So BrokenHeart is what you are trying to say is that if the heights are equal that means problems. Don't get my wrong, I have issues. I'm anxious, premature ejaculation uncomfortable touching and being touched. I'm working through those issues, but you don't really work on them outside of the context of a long term relationship which I am saying out of for quite some time. mike_chppr

The purpose of heels, ummm lessee. 1. streamline the leg 2. accentuate the calf-line 3. the clip clop sound 4. add height 5. they are like bicycle handles to hold onto during sex There are many more, but these are the top 5 I can think of on the spot.

I'm of the perswaysion that oral sex comes before sex. I kind of agree with if there is a doubt then the answer is no. Also preparation, condoms, dental dams, the pill. And you need to be on the pill for at least a month I think before you are truly covered for pregnancy. I agree, we would like to know your ages. If you are like 12 then HELL NO!!!

Well, here is my perspective, I'm 5'8" my STBX is 5'8". She wasn't a heel wearer at all. Most if not all the things that I would like to do, like drape my arm over her and snuggle her into my body, sleep with my arm draped over her cunalingus and a variety of sexual positions seemed problematic, uncomfortable if not impossible. I do find tall women incredibly attractive, but I can't get over my own hangups with how I fantasize what I can do with a woman. Size does matter to me, it is personal preference. But I have had short friends that were really into tall women. After spending almost a decade with my STBX, I am aware of the things that body size does and does not do for me. So yes I will discriminate based on body size. So I'm looking for a woman that is shorter than 5'6" and agent at 5'2" is quite attractive as well. If you are small and like to cuddle and snuggle then maybe you're "The One" but I would date a tall woman to explore personality features that I particularly enjoy. I figure that somewhere in life it will click and I will just "know" that she is the one. It has happened to several of my friends and I have faith that this magical process will happen to me as well. Note: I am not looking to date for at least 6 months or get into a serious relationship for 12 to 18 months. mike_chppr I forgot to add in that I think hooker shoes aka heels are very enticing and sexy

alivejp, Panic Attacks are scary, you are going through tons of anxiety right now and these attacts although intense and disorienting, will go away. Realize that they are a normal process of the worrying and anxiety that you are experiencing right now and that you don't need to fear them, but sit down relax, cry and think about them. I can't recoomend the book I'm reading enough. link removed Take care of yourself, make sure you are eating and bathing and pamper yourself. You will be OK, you will get through this. Realize it isn't easy, but you deserve so much more than this. Peace be with you, mike_chppr

Well, how long does it take to split the finances? I think we will finish wrapping it up tomorrow. I didn't go to work this morning and she cried last night on the phone about how much she missed our dog. I wanted her to send me the bank statements for the last two months of her account so that we could itemize things out and have us her and me expense catagories. Things that are obviously hers "Starbucks" go into her catagory, things that are obviously mine "link removed" go into my catagory. gasoline and bills and undetermined restraunt usage go into an Us catagory. She called this morning to let me know that she had emailed the statements. I indicated that I had not gone to work and needed to head towards her to pick up dog food. We opted for lunch together, So I brought the dog and she picked up lunch. We met at the house and I am using the Laundry Machines. We had a good conversation. She didn't really see the point in itemizing the bank statements. To her she doesn't have any fight left in her. The whole thing is emotionally draining for her. I asked (probably at the wrong time) if she was happy. She says she will be, but she is stuck. She is stuck in this house with a job that she wants to transfer, and she is just stuck until we sell the house. I can feel how lonely she is and she commented on how quiet the house has been. She enjoyed our dog and he was happy to see her. She is spending the night at some local friends tonight. They are going to get drunk at her house and talk girl trash until the wee hours of the morning. We have a few bills that are hanging over us still. mainly checks that have not cleared the bank account. I am still going to split the utilities for the upcoming bill as they are billed after usage. We still have our 2005 and 2006 taxes to file, and split that accordingly. I told her that she was an incredible woman and all I want is for her to be happy. That knowing the outcome I would not change our time together for anything. She has helped me immensely grow as a person and for that I will forever be grateful. I told her I worry about her, and I just want her to be happy. When she told me she was going out with the friends tonight I was like good for her. The other night when I called about having her send the bank statements on the phone she told me she was with somone. I of course think she is moving on with some guy who is in our house right now. After we hung up I was wrapped around the axle about it for a few hours, but I reaffirmed that we are already divorced in our heads and that if she is finding happiness with someone else then good for her. I truly mean that. I want her to find someone who can rock her world and fulfill her needs in ways that I was unable to. And likewise she wants someone to do the same for me. I told her that she was looked cute as she left me here to finish my laundry and calculate the totals so we can transfer money into our accounts. I'm at peace, part of me is tense, I have mourned this loss and I probably still have some mourning to go. I have thrown away most of our cards to one another while we were dating, and the others it is only until I unpack them. I have about four boxes of joint files from the last 10 years, credit card statements, taxes, and a variety of other clutter. I'm purchasing a duplex scanner and burning it to disk and then shredding it. This will be a huge project, but the concept of getting rid of all this paper that always seems so daunting will be a large part of closure. I'm concocting a way to rid myself of clothes. Either toss it all and pick some of the style catagories from Mens Health Magazine, or I'll take pictures of me in jeans with every shirt that I own and combinations of wearing them. From there I just need to find a random sample of about 20 to 30 attractive women to pick out their top 10 favorite photos. From there I can reduce my shirt load to about 15 or less. I need to do the same with pants and I have already replaced my undergarments entirely after coming back from Iraq. Closure is a wonderful thing. I still have a close and personal friend. Who I had an incredible desire to kiss as we hammered out the last details. But desire aside, minus a few tears on my part mainly empathizing with how much she is hurting right now, we had a very loving and friendly interaction between the both of us. We each reaffirmed to one another that we will make it through and that we will be happy down the road. I'm coming back on Monday to do some of the work that needs to be finished on the house. If I can push through a whole day of strictly working on the finishing touches I think I can get really far and not have much left to do in spring. If I had known January was going to be this warm I would have sanded and painted the front porch already. I'm still living in a maze of boxes. I have stuff everywhere and some of the decorative items I purchased a week ago are still in the Target or Ikea bags. I think the hardest thing is figuring out how to eat for one person. I'm thinking of doing an eDiets type thing so I can have a printed grocery list. I'm not trying to loose or gain weight, I just want to maintain and get a balanced healthy variety. I wish everyone good luck in their torments, as mine is working out to be one of the best things that will have ever happened to me. mike_chppr

I recommend couples counsleing and maybe individual counseling to help you deal with both situations. I think you have kept it a secret this long and your anxiety has built up so immensely that you will crush your husband kind of making it a self-fulfilled prophecy. You are hiding this and it is manifesting itself in many ways. I'm sure he is disgruntled as heck and torn up inside trying to figure you out, because you are like I'll try it with my husband and then I won't. Your ex. I wouldn't see him. I think in your heart you know what will happen. You are better off chopping it off with him now if you want to save your marriage. Call him and tell him it is over. A personal visit isn't required. Next question are you sure your child is your husband's or your ex's? You might want to find out if there is any doubt. Your husband will probably question it too. I think counseling is the best way to break the surface tension of this. It is a safe place where you can see his feelings and he can see yours. I don't envy you. mike_chppr

I'm on track with radioheader with this. Lets change the focus here and get you on track. Two or three things to deal with here. Depression. Depression is a normal feeling when one experiences a loss. By him bailing you have lost your expectation of your future together and the stability and comforts. You have also lost your perception of who you have thought that he was. This is normal and I guess there is a certain point to embrace and notice that these feelings are normal. Feel them and recognize that there is nothing wrong with feeling this way. Anxiety. This is a normal feeling when worrying about the future. I fully believe you have had a panic attack. This is "A burst of intense, overwhelming anxiety that generally lasts for a brief period - sometimes for as little as a few minutese and rarely more than several hours. During a panic attack you will notice at least four uncomfortable sensations like dizziness, a lightheadedness, trembling or shaking, tightness in your chest, palpitations, diarrhea or upset stomach, rapid breathing, a choking or smothering sensation, shortness of breath, numbness or tingling fingers, hot flashes, chills or sweating. These symptoms develop suddenly and increase dramatically in intensity within 10 minutes. At the height of the panic attack, you may be terrified by one or more of these fears: What if I lose control? What if I go crazy? What if I have a heart attack? What if I faint? What if I die? After a short time the episode wears off. You were hanging on for dear life and you think it's a miracle that you didn't crack up entirely. If you are terribly worried about cracking up, you're not! Anxiety, not insanity is your problem. Although panic attacks feel terrifying they're quite harmless and very treatable." This is from David D Burns, MD link removed So with Depression and Anxiety which you are definitely feeling right now, (normal feelings they are). How do we self reflect on them, here is a list from the same book of questions to ask yourself. "How long have I been feeling this way? Am I doing something constructive about the problem, or am I simply brooding and avoiding it? Are my thoughts and feelings realistic? Will it be helpful or hurtful if I express my feelings? Am I making myself unhappy about a situation that's beyond my control? Am I avoiding a problem and denying that I'm really upset about it? Are my expectations for the world realistic? Am I feeling hopeless? Am I experiencing a loss of self-esteem?" I'm with radioheader on this one, counseling would really be helpful. We need to work on picking you up piece by piece, as I think this has gutted you. and we need to work on you hour at a time or half day at a time. then work towards living one day at a time. I highly recommend a counselor. My Trauma Psychologist from the VA hospital and dealing with PTSD from Iraq and all these additional stressers has been an incredible asset. Ash, you were right, I wasn't really realistic in my last post. I rushed it being at work and didn't really grasp the full scope of what she is going through emotionally. You are right on track in setting boundaries. The conversation may go something like this. I have a bone to pick with you. I'm feeling hurt and dejected, it feels as if you have stabbed me and the knife is still in there, when you call me by the terms of endearment, it is like you are twisting the knife letting more and more of my hurts spill out. If this is what you want I expect you to be professional about it. I still have love for you and I also carry a tremendous amount of rage for you as well, these things will never go away overnight. But we are separated. You don't just come over when you please. I need to feel safe and I don't feel like I can do that with you poping in. It increases my anxiety, discomfort and conflict. I would appreciate it if you would call first. What about me rekeying the locks? II check every window and every door before I go to sleep and the idea that something out of my control may be left open produces a lot of anxiety for me on top of everything else. I'm feeling scared and together or apart we are going to get through this." OK that is more of a lollipop conversation, but you get the themes. Be careful about blame and express your feelings and expectations in order to express healthy boundaries between the two of you at this time. You're going to get through this. Just take it one slice at a time. mike_chppr