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delarocha, There are many of us here just like you - even though it sounds corny you are among friends. I'm sorry you've found such sadness in your relationship of late but there is hope and from what youve said I think you can find everything your looking for in your current relationship if your both willing to work on things. If you haven't already done so, I'd like to suggest picking up a book or two that might you feel fits your situation. Some of the things your feeling are perfectly normal and not necessarily the sign of a bad marriage, some are not. There is a lot to be said for romantic love (the component that both you and your wife appear to be struggling with) but its not the foundation of the marriage nor should a marraige necessarily be a means to that end. Not that you shouldn't strive to find/hold on to it, but rather its not good to measure the quality of your marriage based on it. It sounds like you love your wife very much and the fact you want to be with her is great. I don't know if its a good or bad idea that you spend so much time with her....but a therapist can give you some instruction as to what the most effective stance to take will be. No matter what, take care of yourself and don't get too down. Try to keep a positive outlook and follow through on the counseling.

onehopefullguy - I'm not really one to give marital advice (I'm here on these boards because my marriage is falling apart) but I think that its important not to discount the life you have. It sounds like your biggest doubt is your capacity to find romantic love again for your wife and for her to find that from you. I believe without any doubt that you both have this capacity. I think that Beec is right though in that you'll have to fight for it. There is nothing wrong with working hard to get back to having romance and a happy marriage but it will take the commitment of both of you. If you can make that decision for yourself then your halfway there but she will have to make it as well. A good rule of thumb might be to make sure you are putting more work into your marriage than it would take to end it. It sounds though like you may be close to a happy life, just that there are some major roadblocks in your way like her career and possibly a justified lack of trust.

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has posted and read through all of this. I've read everyones advice and heard from a number of other people what they think....decisions are still only halfway made. Just to be clear, this is the 2nd time my wife broke the trust of our marriage, both times with the same guy - and friend of hers from highschool. The first time it was only a kiss, this time they slept together. Though to be honest, he has always been an issue in our relationship. That aside, my wife decided that she wants to try to work things out. When she told me that definitevely (I kept telling her get back to me when your sure one way or another) I had 2 things stuck in my head. 1) I would do anything for my wife who I unfortunately still love and a marriage that meant everything to me. 2) I have to protect myself and my life from being wasted by someone who cares only about themselves and will eventually leave anyway. Basically I can't let her keep hurting me. In the end I've tentatively decided to give it one more shot under a few conditions. For the time being we are living under the same roof and still sleeping in the same bed. She has agreed to go a counselor with me (our first apt is next week) and if they advise, to see one by herself. I don't know if she is genuinely sorry for what she did - I don't know if our relationship can be repaired or regrown. I do know that I don't want to leave this marriage before saying I tried everything and most importantly if I have to choose between #1 and #2 above I'd rather be the buy who got hurt again than the guy who left to prevent it from happening again without being sure that it would. Divorce has never been a concept I've wanted to swallow though I know there are times it is for the best. I'm still hurt and its creepy how it sneaks up on me though I'm in better shape emotionally than I was. Mostly its just weird and empty. I don't know what to say to her or how really to act...things are very awkward, most of all because we still get along well, not because things are awful - that would actually be easier. I know shes lost, I know shes hurt to, if not by this then just by life and I can't ignore that. The hard thing is to know where to draw the line, what to let go of and where to go next and the ever-present, maybe one of us will leave tomorrow for good.

greenbomb. From someone on the other side of this, please be honest for a minute and ask yourself that given all of the problems you guys seem to have with conflict ask yourself this: If you were able to resolve all conflicts easily and without anger. If he would always be respectful of you, would you like your marriage enough to stay? Would he? Can you really tell given how things are....or is the only way to find out to eliminate the problem and see where your at. My guess is on some level you understand this and thats why you know you need to go seek assistance and why you'd feel guilty about leaving now. Once you've tried everything I'm sure there will still be guilt but you will at least know what you have to do. The good news is that this is a relatively straightforward issue to handle for most couples. Based on your post and the way you've targeted escalation as an issue, you've probably been reading on the subject so hopefully you've found some information and know your not alone by a long shot. Worth trying...in my opinion absolutely. Unless there are some really ugly secrets not in your post that are hurting your marriage you have a really great shot at fixing this but as you know your going to need help. Get some books, make some calls, talk to each other about the problem and if possible talk to a professional about it. And one last thing -- your not stupid! Your human and you make mistakes, we all do. Don't belittle yourself, the fact that your here matters a lot. There are answers out there so smile and keep hope.

StaceyMay, I don't know if anyone ever gets the hint that they might actually loose their spouse if they don't stop screwing around. Whether or not he might loose you this time, isn't it more important that he respect you and your marriage -- that should be more important that the fear of loosing you right? If you are just looking to save your marriage and have him stop cheating then ask a professional, follow their advice, play the odds and hope that even if the actions you take have to be cruel and don't show him anything that they achieve their goal of saving your marriage. If there are things you want him to learn and saving your marriage is 2nd to your piece of mind and you would prefer to act true to your feelings even if it ends then choose your actions based on that. I guess what I am saying is that these 2 things are not usually compatible...at least they aren't for me. I'm trying to make this choice now between saving my marriage, swallowing my pride and acting in ways I do not want to act towards a wife who cheated on me again or being straightforward about how I feel and act accordingly even though it will probably end things. For a change make sure its all about what you want. There are probably things you can do to make him stop(though I'd turn to books and counselors for that info), but don't expect to teach him a lesson about anything.

For anyone out there who ever goes through this I hope that you don't find as much hate in your heart as I have. I don't know if she would do it again. I don't know if we can survive this together. I haven't decided if I'm goign to ask her to leave permanently or temporarily though I suspect I will do at least one of those tomorrow when our thanksgiving guests leave. Thank you ash and I'm sorry comairboy...I don't know if anything applies to me right now though.... What I do know is that right now all I seem to be cosumed with is hate for her and what she did to me AGAIN and worse hate for the guy she did it with. I haven't said almost anything to her in 2 days because every word coming out of my mouth prior to that was just to hurt her and I'd rather shut up than let it continue. I want her to hurt like I do but I know its not right and know I'd feel sorry for it eventually. I don't know if this will go away to or be followed by somethign else - I'm not like this. I'm usually a gentle person but all I want to do is say things to hurt her and its killing me that there is nothing I can do to get justice for what he did to me and our marriage. My wife is suffering, I'm suffering, hes not though and I feel helpless...

Thank you everyone for posting something - anything. It mattered, it helped. I wrote that post late last night.... I wake up today and its all still here only now I have to do something and I don't know what. I've been a good husband these last 5 years. I've provided for her. Settled all of our debts from school, bought the house that she loved. I've been there for her through her grandfathers death, dealt with her moms alcoholism. I've been attentive loving and caring. Those are all her words not mine. I never cheated, never hit her, never yelled or belittled. I don't drink too much, I don't even smoke. I've cared more about her than myself and I never imagined this would be the result of so much hope and so much time and patience. Its impossible for me to think of my life without her. She was everything to me and found me at a time in my life where I wasn't any good to anyone, gave me the confidence to become a strong man and a good husband. She helped me create a life I loved and one worth all the hardships we've endured and then shes taken it all away and I don't know what to do next. I don't know what to tell my friends I don't konw what to say to anyone about anything....god this hurts....I want it all back so badly.... I know I should leave, but I still love her. We are supposed to go to my parents house for thanksgiving today but I'm here in front of my computer crying because I couldn't find any tears when she told me.... I'm sorry everyone

she just told me. She cheated on me again. This time she slept with him. 10 years we've been together. Married 5. I don't know what to do next. The last time it was just a kiss but it hurt. It broke our trust and nearly ended our marriage. This is worse. I told her that if it ever happened again we were done. I wish I hadn't said that but I feel like I was right in saying it and I'm just not sure what to do next. I'm sorry for anyone who's ever gone through this. There aren't words to describe it. Its destroying me... I don't want to tell my family - they love her and it would kill them to know. As for my friends - its just to humiliating right now....I feel like crap. I hate her. I hate my what my life has become. I've sacrificed more than anyone should for their marriage and this is what I've been given in return. I just need someone to read this, to take a small piece of this pain away. I want my life back ....

Lost - there is another thread here. One that a guy named Camber started ("Am I Holding on to False Hopes?") I'm sure you've read it or at least I hope you have. His situation is pretty bad but its not that different from yours or mine. To get to the point please go take a look at the last couple of pages there. I think there is hope for you to be with your wife though it took surviving a divorce for the only person who has posted an experience of getting back together and living happily again. If your as committed as you seem to be I'd bet your willing to do that, at least if that were the only way. You might have to stop caring so much for a bit though or at least act more detached. If I'm learning anything here its that we may be pushing our wives away by trying to show them how much we care.....F-d up thing is that if that wold work then I definitely don't want to tell my wife that I would do anything for her...in fact it might be better to be a bit cold right now......I don't really know just read though the posts K.

Lost - my heart goes out to you...unfortunatley I'm basically there to. I'm cruzing these boards tonight...really anywhere on the web trying to feel a little less alone. If your anything like me then your a good husband and you can't really understand why she no longer feels for you. You feel strongly about her and you don't understand why like so many other people she can't just get though this and fix/work/deal with the problems in your marriage. I read the bit in your post about getting angry with her and I have read peoples respones to that and since no one else seems to want to say it I will. Its not your fault. Its not because you had anger management issues, its not becuase you've done something wrong or failed to be a good husband. After 5 years and 2 kids marriage is about survival. Your wife has decided though that it shouldn't be like that and I think she believes in her heart that it wouldn't be like that with somone else. Any sociologist or psycholgist worth their weight can tell you that relationships survive on lust (not love) for many years but as that goes away during the first years of marriage and especially following the birth and raising of children many marriages dissolve in its absense. I really believe that your wife is suffering from this absense not really from anything you've done. I just don't know that there is away to fix this. I always believed thats what the vows thing was for ...to survive though the hard times even if it takes years. sorry this isn't a more upbeat post I just don't think you should be beating yourself up over something that isn't your fault...either that or I'm just angry to see someone else hurting the same way I am.