Always Hopeful

I am happily married with 1 child. Well, I guess I'm assuming I am happily married. I only say that because I cannot get certain desires out of my mind. I've never cheated on my wife, and the thought of cheating sends a chill down my spine, especially because I do love my wife, and I love my child. I don't ever want to do anything to hurt them. But I can't get these desires out of my head. For example, I work closely with someone in my office. We work in a stressful profession, so there is some commonality to our experiences. I know about the usual cliches regarding people you work with, but that doesn't lessen the power of that kind of attraction. I don't even think she's interested in me, but yet I find myself fantasizing about her and I together. I find myself thinking about how it would feel if she did find me attractive, and even how I might be able to make her be attracted to me, even if I had no intentions of carrying this out. I feel pathetic in many ways. But why do I have these desires? I was once in a very unhealthy relationship, also work related. So may be I'm just addicted to conflicted relationships. Am I doomed????

Teaching isn't my thing. I've tried it, and it is not satisfying. In addition, it doesn't pay nearly as much as I need to meet all my expenses (I am in a single income family, and I am to sole bread winner).

Without getting too technical, I guess the question is more "What is your vocation?" I've been an attorney for 6 years now. At times, it's been good. At other times, it's been a real stressful existence. For those who don't know lawfirm life, you work pretty long hours. You are pretty much judged on two criteria, how many hours you have billed a client in a year, and how many clients have you brought in (and how much have those clients generated in revenue). So month in, month out, year in, year out...you being quantified. When months are slow, you start to get nervous...almost desparate to get hours...when you have the hours and it's busy, you're almost never home. Selling yourself to get clients also takes time and sometimes you feel diminished...like your some kind of prostitute or something. Also, as a minority, it's hard to get the big fish clients as a large part of this country is still run by the old boys network. In short, its tough...and I'm growing too old and too tired for this. But of course, I have family and responsibilities, and the legal life pays well. The question is, what in the hell can I do to get out of this endless cycle of stress upon stress, worry upon worry, boredom upon boredom. I day dream a lot about what it would be like to have an interesting job. Can I be so lucky as to find a vocation that is also my calling? I am always hopeful that things will come around, but I'm getting older, and it feels like that window is slowly, but surely, closing. Anyway, any advice would be helpful. Thanks

Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately, I cannot work on the schedule you propose. It is largely out of my hands due to the pace of transactions, client and boss demands. Your ability to retain your job is directly tied to the amount of hours you work (the minimum bar is very high). It is that type of work and pace. I cannot arbitrarily decide to work on a 9 to 5 schedule and get away with it here. So in a way, IT IS the job and the bosses, not just something with me. This is why I feel trapped and suffocated. There has go to be a better way.

I've been stuck in my high stress, high pressure job for over three years now, and have been in my profession for over 5. I know it's time to move on, but the economy is still tough around here and new jobs at the same or, at least, similar pay is hard to find (I do get paid a decent amount of money, no complaints there, but would accept lower pay for a better quality of life...there's just nothing out there right now). The competition is stiff for newly advertised positions. Anyway, the daily grind has been unbearable to the point where, I don't care anymore, and my work quality is suffering. I can barely get up in the morning, and I'm afraid I'm going to snap back at one of my bosses soon (i.e., GO TO HELL AND I'LL GIVE YOU DIRECTIONS, type of outburst). So I'm at a crossroads. I really really really want to quit, but know it isn't such a good idea until I find a replacement job. I have a lot of financial responsibilities too (not so much debt, but people to take care of). I do have about 6-7 months saved up, and with the economy slightly improving, may be I will get lucky. But I've had resumes out for nearly 2 years now and hardly had any interviews let alone job offers. I'm beginning to feel like a trapped animal and it's effecting my life in and out of work and my health (I ache all over and never have a day without some kind of physical pain). What should I do? Any advice?

Kalel: I understand how you feel as I have been in a similar situation. There's nothing abnormal about it. I think that the level of emotional connection post-breakup has a lot to do with the level of emotional connection before the breakup. Funny thing is that sometimes you don't even realize what you've lost until you've lost it. My guess is that you and your ex had a pretty good relationship, strong in many ways, may be purely fun, may be you were most comfortable in yourself when you were with her. Whatever it was, it's the loss of that which you are remembering. You try to find it in the others you've dated, slept with, etc., but I think the whole package cannot be "re-achieved" in the various other people you've met (may be bits and pieces of the package, but not the whole package, which is why you are still searching and still remembering). It's kind of like cooking a meal by intuition, you got it right once, may be even perfect, but you can't seem to re-create that recipe later on no matter how many different things you try. The taste isn't quite the same. The fact of the matter is that you will probably never re-create that recipe because it was perfect for that time...may be the air temperature was just so, the cooking time perfect to within a millisecond, that batch of salt and pepper you used was just different than the other batches that you picked up later that year...you just can't recreate those circumstances. But the memory of the final result remains. It's a cliche to say "move on," so rather I would suggest that there is nothing wrong remembering that which was good in your life, the memory of her. But as you go through life and meet other women, women who challenge you, women who please you, women who just make you feel good, there is all something good and unique to these relationships and run-ins. Slowly but surely, you will meet that woman who not necessarily is the exact same as your ex, but offers you something different but just as pleasing. There are nearly 5-6 billion people on this Earth and about half of those are female. Even if only 1% of that 2.5 to 3 billion females out there are within your relationship tastes that's still around 3,000,000 women. So there are some very special women out there that will make you not necessarily forget your ex, but help you to put her in perspective with the world around you. It hurts sometimes. For me it hurt a lot, painfully so. I still remember my ex as well. But the memory is turning into a curiosity about myself, why it was we were attracted to each other, why we broke apart and how those lesson can be applied to my life right now in the relationship that I am now in. It's all a part of life, but life will continue as will yours. Good luck.

I have a workmate that has been a good friend, at least I hope has been a good friend, for the past three years. Actually, recent events are starting to make me doubt, and more importantly, fear this friendship. We both are in a very competitive field. Long hours, lots of stress, lots of mean people, etc., etc. In that fire, we developed a friendship. We talked about work, drank a few beers, went out with wives and girlfriends. But in this relationship, my friend was always sort of perceived as the leader. He had the good relationships with the bosses, is a good worker and has real potential to succeed. More importantly, he is a good salesman and negotiator, portraying a suave outward appearance and is disarming. It doesn't hurt also that he is a handsome guy with a way with women. But he does have a dark side. He is extremely insecure (he comes from a pretty dysfunctional family), and is extremely competitive, always wanting to know what the other guy is up to. He also has an extremely annoying habit of walking into my office to talk about his recent "successes," i.e., how he has met this person and that person, how "good" he is at his work now, and all the praise that he is receiving from others. In all this, I thought I was just a friend and not an area of his concern workwise. And since I have been willing to listen to his self-praise patiently, I think he thought I was someone he could talk to without me later hating him for his narcisism. But it's true, I didn't mind because friends will be friends. But lately, I have been having my own successes at work, receiving some praise and attention and getting some success on the client front. Not nearly as much as him, but I'm pleased with it. When I told him about this, his reaction was troubling...sort of cold and unenthusiastic. He cut me down a little, making fun of my success a little, warning me about this that and the other. Basically, trying to make me feel not that good about these successes. He has been continuing with this attitude today, even going so far as implying that he doesn't like my nationality all that much or my country of birth all that much...not directly but insinuating (even though a lot of his "best friends" are exactly of my nationality...in fact he doesn't seem to have that many friends of his nationality). Since then, we have not been that comfortable hanging out with each other. I sense a increasing competitiveness with me, may be even jealousy, hatred? What worries me is that he is a very savvy person in that he tries to make strategic relationships, even if he does not like that person and he is always looking for bits on information that can be used against that person if he needs to. I've heard him talk about this before concerning others. I am now afraid he might use that against me should I cross him in some way or another. How has it gotten to this? Were we friends only because he did not perceive me as a threat to his success? Was that all this was?

Holidays are wonderful things. They are times when you can enjoy yourself, have fun and feel free. But holidays are not life. Life is full of trials and tribulations, and when you find someone who trully cares for you, that person will be supportive, care for you and love you when you are not feeling so warm and fuzzy. I was in a relationship that started around the holiday season, but once that time ended, the relationship started to turn sour. This person started to ignore me and shift focus away from the good times we had. She wanted to concentrate on her work and focus on that...which made me feel like I was used. We tried to make it work, but when the holiday season left, so did her heart and her feelings for me. So the end was disasterous. Don't take this as advice to stay away. It isn't that. But the mark of a trully lasting relationship is whether it remains strong under the most mundane of situation, and more importantly, during rough and not too pleasant times. You guys need to spend some time in close proximity to be sure. Goodluck.

Women like being the focus of attention, whether they have a boyfriend, are married or single. It's all the same. But remember, she's 16, so she's probably enjoying the attention even more than would someone who has already been there and done that. A larger more important question is whether you want to be dating someone from work. Don't want to be a splash of cold water, but a sexual harassment complaint is really easy to file, and most often than not, arrise from workplace situations. The minute the relationship (if you can call it that) gets uncomfortable, your work can suffer and your fate may rest on a 16 year-old's perception of whether she is feeling harassed or is being put in a "hostile work environment," another catch-phrase for sexual harassment. Remember, she's 16. Not an expert, and it hasn't happened to me (knock on wood), but I've seen it happen, and it's ugly.

I'm not sure if I can offer any good advice about your situation. I can only relate to you my experiences. It will be up to you to decide what to do from there. But I hope it will put into your mind possible outcomes and solutions. I too fell in love with a good friend of mine. In fact, we both fell in love with each other. We were involved with other people at the time we fell for each other, but we moved seemlessly from deep friendship to pure love, passionate and true. For awhile, it was a beautiful and magical time. But it wasn't meant to last. I distinctly remember the last day we had a good time with each other, and of all days, it was the day before Christmas. After that day, I sensed something had happened. She just seemed a little more distant, a little less caring, a little more concerned about us rather than celebrating us. She then went to visit her folks for a week, and when she came back, it all started to go downhill (what is it about visits with folks?...parents can make you feel guilty but....I don't understand). To this day, I'm not sure what happened. Everything seemed to be going right, but it all fell apart so quickly. We tried to remain friends, but we couldn't. She stopped hanging out with me, stopped talking to me about her life, stopped asking me for advice. She started to hang around with some of my friends, laughing, doing things with them that she used to do with me. She would laugh heartily at other peoples jokes and seek their advice, but she and I could not even have a decent conversation with each other. Of course, my confusion and jealously started to rise. She started to get sick of convincing me that we were still "soulmates." In the end, we completely broke apart and couldn't even talk to each other. We were nothing, not even friends, and she made it a point to say that to me explicitly a few times. She said "what was the point." She finally left for an overseas position, and I will probably never see her again. I tried to reconcile things with her, but she wanted absolutely no part of it. On the day before she left, our mutual friends threw her a party. I felt suffocated and sick by it all, and at the end, I got so angry, I punched a metal door a few times and nearly broke my hand (it got all puffy, bleeding, stiff...I was lucky it didn't break...but it felt good getting all that frustration out). I returned to her a gift she gave me for Christmas, some recordings that she said made her feel very special once in her life, like I was making her feel. I felt it was better off with her for her to keep when she went off. Moral? None. I think it just wasn't meant to be, and our beginnings as friends and "soulmates" made the ultimate end that much more painful. A breakup with a girl is bad, a breakup with a true friend is excruciatingly painful. It sounds like your friend wants some space to think it through. But the only advice I can give is to live your life too. Don't dwell on it. Meet other people, exercise, go out, hang with groups of people that do not include her. Don't be her emotional punching bag and don't be the one she goes to only when things go bad for her. You need to live your life too, and if she feels any doubts about her feelings for you, you need to explore your feeling for her too. You need to be strong and independent (besides, women really, really, really don't like weak guys who need need need all the time). When she sees that from you, that strength, and she really truly loves you, she will be back. If not, that independence will help you to move on and find a new person. Goodluck.

I was also in a similar situation. We tried to remain friends, but there are certain situations where the only way you can be friends is to separate yourself completely from this situation. I don't want to get into the details of my situation. If you look up the posts under my name, you'll get the picture, and it isn't a pretty picture. I hurt so much and was so angry and frustrated by my ex that I ended up punching a metal door (a few times I guess) and nearly busted my hand (it swelled up like a grapefruit and my knuckles started bleeding....but it felt good....kinda like just cleansing your body of a bad thing by bleeding it out). Anyway, I only found peace after this incident coupled with my ex being posted overseas. I will probably never see her again, and that's a good thing. Take it from me. You can skip all the dramatics by essentially creating a "virtual sendoff." i.e., just never, ever see her again. Avoid seeing her, hearing her voice, etc. Date other people. Get into a hobby that requires thinking and some outdoor activity. Exercise. Get a transfer. Change your phone number, etc. etc. Just get her out of your system. It will end up saving you a lot of pain.

Thanks guys for the words of support. My hand is slowly, but surely healing. My heart and my mind will take a little more time. But it kinda feels like a toxin slowly exiting your system. It doesn't come out at once. It slowly leaches out. Oh, and if you're going to hit something harder than your fists, don't use your dominant hand. Use the other one.

She's finally gone. After two weeks of extreme torture, being constantly barraged by her presense and peoples' requests for me to go to her send-off parties and dinners (5 in two weeks), my ex, the one I onced loved so much, and the one that I can't stand anymore, is finally gone. I will probably never see her again. A small group of us went to dinner and then were joined later by a larger group at a bar. I felt like a caged animal by then. I stayed and stayed and stayed. But after awhile, I felt so suffocated and angry, that I had to go. As I was walking around the block, I decided to punch a couple of metal doors. Luckily my hand did not break, but it's all puffy and black and blue now. And you know, it felt GOOD!!!! I went home. It was quiet and peaceful and the next day, the weather was perfect. It felt good to be home again. Goodbye. I really did love you, and as the years go by, hopefully your anger and my anger will be tempered by wisdom and a fondness for the good times that got so lost amongst all the horrible times we had. Take care and live a good life. Above all else, learn to be kind. It is the one flaw that mars the diamond that is you, the flaw that ends up cutting and hurting others.

You have to move on. You really really have to move on because you are just torturing yourself by trying to "make things right." I have been almost exactly in your position, lost someone I once loved very much. She can't stand me right now...made it a point several time that we couldn't even be friends. Even now for the life of me I don't know how we got this way, but what I have been told, what I realize I should have done is not apologize so much and "try to make things right." It smacks of desperation and women, especially my ex, don't like the smell of desperation. It sounds pathetic and weak and most women don't get off on that. Move on. Ignore her. You have to work hard at this, but you will be rewarded. Why? You may realize you truly don't need her, that there are so many other beautiful and kind women out there (beautiful on the inside and outside). Don't seek blood from a turnip. Go to those who will willingly give you love and kindness and respect. You know there aren't many people like that around, so when you find it, grab it. Why waste your time with someone who won't give you that love and respect. Second, the best revenge is a life well lived. When you go on with your life, she will be the one on this board asking "Why did he forget me so soon? Did he love me? Did he care?" Then it will be her who will be seeking you for answers, for closure, etc. I tell you, it's better to move on. Move on.

For the life of me, I don't know why things changed and she decide to break-up with me. It just happened one day. What made it worse was I sensed the change in her about two days after one of our most romantic and beautiful times together. It was just bizarre. There was such a coldness to her one day, that I realized it was the beginning of the end. I was in shock actually. I guess she felt we were getting too close. May be she wasn't ready for a deep relationship. May be she just got scared...I really don't know. I have moved on. The break-up occurred months ago. The new emotions just resurfaced because of all the "goodbye" get-togethers and parties going on because of her leaving to go overseas. The past week and this week have been torture. I guess I could decide not to go, but everyone else we know still thinks we are good friends, so it would be strange for me to just not show up. And, of course, I feel it would be bad form to essentially "boycott" her goodbye celebrations. It's frustrating to be caught in this position. In anycase, I think her karma will catch up to her. One day, there will be someone who will hurt her like she has hurt me, and, hate to say it, I will not be there to help her heal the wounds. I will not make myself available, and at that time, I hope she looks back and understands that she lost a true friend, someone she onced called a soulmate, and one who onced loved her very much. She needs to learn to forgive lest no one will forgive her.