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blackend heart

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About blackend heart

  • Birthday 01/20/1989

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  1. i know hunderds of people have bigger problems than me and thousands of people commit suicide every year, but i dont think im ready to part with this earth which is why im asking for help, it kinda goes as most peoples do, in that i have never really been close to anyone, not even my parents, i have never really had many friends and i tend to just shut myself in my room, but reciently its gone all weird, i made friends got even a girlfriend and i have now been with her for 7 month (not bad for my second relationship) but now comes the time when things become tough, many of you will know my girlfriend, she is an active member of these forums her name is __X and the truth is i really do love her but i cant let her close, well we have been fighting a lot reciently and __X told me that after youth club she had been calling in on a guy, and for some stupid reason i automaticly jumped to the conclusion that she was cheating on me, which was a massive mistake, so after a few text messages where accusations were flying and the fact that our relationship is essentally over and that even if we did manage to salvage it, it would never be the same i thought about all the good i have ever done to the people in my life and i couldnt find a single thing, it just seems that im a horrible person and that ever action i have ever done has resulted in people being hurt, i dont even know why i accused __X of cheating cos i know she wouldnt but now she has gone and the fact that communication in my home is virtually non existant, i just dont feel like there is anything left anymore, there is no point in me going to college because i was planning a future with __X and i dont think i can ever stop loving her, which is why i need help i i want to do it but i cant every part of my body and mind is saying yes but my heart is saying no, its a constant battle and its making me feel worse and worse the more i do it and i cant see a way out of it. So if you have read this post right to the end please feel free to comment as i am so confused and could do with all the help and direction as possible.
  2. a long goodbye i have to say to all those who loved me it not my fault who i am blame that on the bullies i never wanted things to get this far but with no help i only suffered i should have spoken up but i was scared things straiten out a bit and the bulling stops but the memories are still there haunting me in my sleep i get a life a girlfriend and things are going great but when her past comes up they suddenly change i hate myself for everything even if its not me my heart is weak and hurt now that you have gone im all alone now sitting at my desk writing a poem to hide hide away from its true meaning make people beleve its all ok so this is it, im going now a long goodbye to all my pals im sorry to all those i hurt but now you see how much im hurt.
  3. thanks very much for the advice guys, and hopefully in about 6 years i will be working in the games industry. i will be sure you keep you all posted on my progress. Oh and another good thing about that course is that it offers a year in the industry which means that i get valuable experiance
  4. well so far i have mainly been looking at universitys and i think i have found a course that is perfect for me, also it isnt too far away from home, and the course is quite a well established course. Take a look. link removed
  5. thanks rose, you have given great advice, im going to do all that you said and i am glad you said what you said, i will try to talk to people already in the industry and i am will continue reserach in to universitys and in the games industry as a whole. it will be interesting to find out all about it.
  6. Ok im currently a college student and after sepnding a year doing all the wrong subjects for AS Levels i have now changes courses to do at BTEC national diploma in IT. Im planning on going to university after this to get a Degree in Computer Games Design, but im starting to have doubts as to whether i should go ahead with this, i mean sure this is my dream job and i really enjoy working with computers and i have enjoyed programming so far, but... is this a suitable career path ? Should i try to set my sights lower so that i wont be disappointed? Basically what i am asking is am i doing the right thing in trying get in to my dream career from the beginning? Many thanks, and i look forward to reading your replys. NDG
  7. Give me a knife to hold, Let me see if I'm trusted, I know what I'll do, You want to stop me, But you want to trust me. I've the knife and cut, I laugh at you cuffed, You can do nothing, You watch and cry, I laugh and cut deep. I see you're sadness, I laugh and tie a noose, I cut my neck, The noose now around my neck, I tie it up high and jump, I see you're sadness, I don't laugh now, Instead I cry. You manage to get help, It's too late you think, My body limp and pale, I think I'm dead, You scream my name, I can't reply I'm DEAD.
  8. Love is something you can't force, It is a rare emotion that many abuse, Love is special something to hold, Hate yourself you cannot love, Love yourself others can love you, Love and hate go hand in hand. To love is strange if just feels right, Hate is forced like a candle to light, Its only the lucky who find true love, True love is never really there, Its something to work at, something to hold, Its something that many of us wish we had, Again this poem is written by two people, me and my gf __X
  9. Please please help, __X os feeling really suicidal again and i dont know what to do, and she wont tell me whats up im really scared please if anyone can help, please... i couldnt loose her not now, not so early
  10. i read everything that you said down the phone to her, but i dont think that she took it all in, and im going to get her to look at it again on friday, we were on the phone again and we were talking, we had a mini argument and i felt so guilty about it that i did something i really shouldnt have, i have no idea why i did it but when i did it make me feel better, but i dont understand, how can doing something that hurts make you feel better?? i know that i used to do it before and even then i didnt understand. After telling __X what i did i guess she felt the same thing that i feel whenever she does it. and i think she felt that it was her fault, im supposed to love her but im making things worse i shouldnt have done what i did. how can i rectify this blunder of epic preportions, well i had an idea and got her to do some mental survival activites, she then went on to straiten her cousins hair, oh and in answer to the questions you asked, her internet access has been restricted because ehr brother has been blaming popups and things on her, and her computer broke as well. also she will be on, on friday, thats when she is coming over to mine. oh and on a positive note we have done some more things that we can reflect on, like before (you know what im talking about(not in a dodgey way)) btw we were together today and it was amazing to see her again after a weeks absense, we had a lot of fun, wish i could tell you more but i need both her permission and i dont want this reply to be deleted
  11. thankyou lilac indi, i hope that we have a pleasant future too, we are continueing to have some bad times and there is a problem with __X and SH atm i will try to get her on to sort this problem with you, but at the moment her internet access has been restricted. But she is coming over mine on Friday so i will get her on to talk to you all, we have had a few emotional phone calls. the last time she SH she was blaming herself for things that have happened to other people, she explained to me how she used to help her friends, but with her own problems on top of those she couldnt help anymore and she held herself responsible, i told her she did all she could and that at 13 she could not have been expected to help people with the problems she was trying to solve by herself, she was crying down the phone to me, and all i could do was use a calm voice and try to talk her down, occasionally doing something stupid to try and make her giggle, eventually she was back to her bubbly self but not before she had scratched her wrists with a pair of sicorss (im not good at spelling) if anyone could give me advice oh how to deal with this in the future. im really worried that one time soon i might not be able to make her feel better, please i couldnt take loosing her, i really love her, and loosing her so soon would rip me in two.
  12. we totally understand, we dont want to steal you away from your family, and as we are both learning (__x and i) family is very important.
  13. i will try my best, but as we all know there is sometimes friction between the family especially if you are the youngest. i have been helping her as much as humanly possible, and it seems that everytime i talk to her she seems a lil happier, the thing we did the other day is still fresh in both our minds and __x wants to try it all again, every now and then there will be a slight knock back but a phone call can usually solve this. thanks for all your help and i am interested about doing some personal grown exercises when she comes over.
  14. we have been doing voice calls over msn too, i have been trying to talk to her as much as possible whilst she has been away and once se is back she said that i might b able to come ever hers, then the week after that she is staying over for a week my parents shouldnt mind as they are out for the most part
  15. yeah its been going well, there have been a couple of set backs, regarding a bit of trouble on another forum site with __X's Ex but apart from that its been good, at the moment she is with her cousin, im missing her loads but i am ringing her everyday, much to the horror of my parents, at least they dont know that it costs £6.50 for each call (an hour from home phone to mobile)
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