Why can't I listen to the radio without thinking about you? You make me mad. I will always love you, and I have to see your face every day when I look at hers, but we didnt belong together. The whole thing never felt legit. But looking at your face in pictures is like looking at mine. You were mine, no matter how illegimate the relationship felt. You loved me I know, and I know you still struggle with the fact that we didn't work out, too.
BUT we didn't. And it's over. Thank God for that. You had the courage to leave when I didn't, even if I still hate you for it, I know in a couple of years I'll genuinely thank you for that....I hope.
Now to the point: Do you think that since we have custody and child support worked out, you could follow directions and quit disappearing on me? Dude, nobody's chasing you anymore. I'm not showing up where you're at. I'm not waiting around to cuss you or fight or whatever. I am, however, pissed off that you seem to lack the decency to atleast keep abreast of said custody arrangement. You are not a bad father. But you are an alchoholic. And you're the best alchoholic dad you can be, but guess what? That is still not ok! Every moment you arent at work or with our daughter, you are drinking. Depressed much, dude? I know, I lived through it for years.
But it's just not my problem anymore and I am honestly going to need you to get it together without me forcing you too. I know...let the shock set in.......The fact is, it's just not my job. Everybody agrees I went above and beyond the call of duty as a mother to make sure my daughter had a half decent daddy. And you turned it around on me. you did. Now I'm going to be honest, THAT still hurts. I sunk low to bring you up. I was at the skeevy houses at 3 in the morning, 6 months pregnant, dragging your sorry behind home. I supported us when you couldn't. Then you rose above it. You quit the drugs, you got a decent job and suddenly...you're better than me? No, sir. You are 100 times better than the man I ran to when I was hurting 3 1/2 years ago, but you're still not there.
And neither am I, but you can't be that guy that waits...even if I was that girl that did. I wouldn't have left you and that's what hurts the most. I would have taken you back time after time after time until the day we died. I would have married you and had 5 more kids and been miserable until one of us quit breathing. That, I know. I would have. And it doesn't mean I loved you more b/c I honestly don't think I did. I think we loved each other equally. And it was a lot of love, I know. But for whatever reason, you could stand walking away when I couldn't. You could bear that pain when I truly thought it was unbearable.
Maybe it's because I had to deal with her questions and you didn't. But you had to deal with her absense, which is exponentially worse. I guess it boils down to the questions I still have: even if it was the right decision to make, how come I couldn't make it and you could?? Why can't you look at her and know that you drinking hurts her? And finally, why in God's name can't you answer the damn phone when you know without a doubt all I want to know is when you're picking her up? Seriously dude, I just need a time and place; you unprepared, immature, self-absorbed, obnoxious, arrogant, stubborn, good-looking, smart, funny, lovable and hatable SOB.