AndieA

Last update. Well folks I guess this has gone full circle. He has told me he loves me. I do believe that you all helped me so much by tempering my actions, and things evolved. Wishing all of you peace, happiness, joy and love.

He was not secretive about the crisis. He called me about 10 times over the course of the 2 days he was gone to keep me updated. I guess I am just nosy!! But you all have given me the right direction and I thank you for that and glad I asked! OH I see the confusion. I meant I did not want to press for details about the ex-gf when he was dealing with a family crisis, which happened within hours after he told me about his ex-gf .

I would at least tell him how he behaves with your best friend makes you feel bad and could he tone it down. See how he reacts. His reaction should be very telling.

I appreciate this input very much!!

Thank you and Wiseman for the input, that is why I asked here, before "interrogating"!

Dr. Phil said something one time that addresses this. If you rob a bank and admit it, does that make it not a crime? I would like to think if this BF is in love with the OP as she states, he would discourage this kind of behavior from other women, especially the OP's supposed best friend. I agree with the posters that say she is NOT a friend. There is no respect in her behavior.

Things are still going very well, he took me on a trip where I met another brother and his best friends. But on this trip he revealed that his ex-girlfriend of 5 years cheated on him (Not sure he actually meant to tell me, he was describing how dear his best friends-who are a married couple- stood by him when his gf cheated on him). So it wasn't what he told me before, that she didn't want to move out west with him at some point in the future. But I imagine that a gf cheating is something very hard for him to talk about. It hurt him deeply. Between the time he told me and now, he had a family crisis during which I didn't want to press for details. And when he told me, I could tell he wasn't going to say anything else. I have learned how to read that in him. But I would like to try today during some time we will spend together. I am really curious about how did he find out, did he drop her right away, how long had she cheated, does he still have feelings for her. So my question here is, are these fair questions to ask?

Rooting for you and hope the Sunday date went well! That is how I met my boyfriend, his dog ran and jumped up on me. 🐕💖

I don't believe you can be "in love" with more than one person at a time. At least for me. That feeling is all-consuming, leaving no time or emotion for anyone else. But I am not everyone. Given the 2 choices, #2 for me, the bonding. I agree with the poster who said you can still have excitement with the bonding, the reverse not necessarily being true. With all that being said, I don't think what makes you fall for somebody is easily put into categories. Not sure I told the story of the identical twins I knew in high school (friends of my brother) but I was totally in love with one of them and couldn't give the time of day to the other. Their genetics were exactly alike. Why one and not the other??? I still can't answer that. Everybody have a wonderful Thanksgiving, I am still grateful to those of you who helped me with my issue a couple of months ago. Everything is absolutely perfect with my guy.

I agree. In these types of arrangements, the trophy trumps love. Sex is just a transaction, not a loving gesture. And I am exactly the same as you. I could not be intimate on any level if I am not extremely attracted to the person. But there is a whole industry of people who can. 🤷‍♀️

I think you will. You are on the right path. Keep the positive thoughts.

Batya: I know he meant it, she knew he meant it too. Is there anything else in life that matters??? That is all that matters! Once you fall for someone, they do became very attractive. My favorite story is about a pair of identical twins that were close friends with my older brother. They weren't attractive in the face at all. I fell for one of them though(crush) because of his personality, and all of a sudden he became good looking to me. And his brother was still not attractive. But they were IDENTICAL twins. I know no people -gender irrelevant -who are people of character, integrity, compassion and depth who would partner with someone who lacked those qualities. Definitely some of those people very much prize model-type hot looks - people are individuals after all - but they won't sacrifice the core values they have in order to be with a trophy looking person. I know several classmates who did this. Maybe not on purpose, but could not see past the beauty to know until after they got married. Then divorced. I was quite surprised how many men I knew in high school did this, all divorced. Because wifey wanted more money, or cheated, or their narcissism became apparent and intolerable, etc. And this is a small sampling of men. That being said, I do agree with you, they would not purposely do this.

I think this is a very interesting question, because I believe the average woman would actually be more attracted to the personality (A) more than looks (B), if the looks are part of a self-centered bore, and that this comes across in the initial meeting/conversation. But I do not think the reverse is true. I think men are much more likely to ask out, even marry, a beautiful woman, even if she is high maintenance, self-centered, gold-digging and boring. Just my observations of quite a few of my classmates, no scientific study I have done. I have also observed the men who complain that all women want are handsome rich men, are just as shallow when they choose women.

I think her talking with her friends in earshot of you is that she is throwing a hint your way. It is not necessarily so obvious to her how you feel. Maybe she thinks you should know how she feels. Please ask her for a date and you will get your definitive answer!

OF course there is a lot of information that we don't know. We certainly cannot know what is in your wife's mind or heart. But I do know that different women have different tolerance levels for abuse. And if you said some rude things to her, even if you were not aware of what you were doing, she heard the words. And that is emotional abuse. And she may have a zero tolerance level for it. I am sorry this happened to you, especially since you were "under the influence" of prescription meds. That is an issue that I have no idea how to resolve, since you need the meds. I know other women who just reach a certain point and then have had enough. A friend of mine grew up with a father who was alcoholic and abusive. She tolerates some emotional abuse but then it is over. Absolutely no going back. Thank you for your service and I hope things work out for you in the future.