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Whirling D

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  1. OK, I think this will be my last post about the specific topic, of stubbornness, or condescension, or controlling behavior. You guys aren’t part of the relationship, haven’t been there, and haven’t experienced what went on between the doctor lady and me. No differently than you discourage me from not paying too much attention to online therapists, it’s almost inappropriate for you to assume you know what has happened, what will happen, why I did what I did, why she did what she did. I’m not really on here for that kind of debate or scrutiny. Ultimately, I came on here for support, and perhaps to purge, but not really to be at the hands of armchair therapists to think they know what’s going on, and what each of us are thinking, not to mention come up with flaky opinions of who I am, whether I’m condescending or not, or whether I’m controlling. If anything, I think that sounds hugely controlling from many of you. Not all of you. I’ve often enjoyed coming on here to tell this story and to get feedback. Once again, it’s wearing thin. And as far as online therapists, I’ve never said that they said the doctor lady and I will get back together. They almost all say, there is a strong likelihood that she will reach out, likely confused, but definitely still wondering if she made the right decision. She did reach out, and I do believe they are correct. My biggest priority right now is what to do about that. nobody here seems to want to talk about that. They just want to make judgments about how controlling I am or how bad my behavior was. OK, suit your own narrative. As for my own therapist. She is a PhD psychologist with a background in addiction and trauma. I’ve been seeing her for over two years. There are things that I believe are lacking, but her judgment is not one of them. She picks up on things pretty closely, and I believe I do a pretty good job telling her both sides of every story. I try to tell her clearly what I said, and did, supported by why I think I did those things, and then I tell her what the doctor lady said, and I try to look at both sides of why I believe she did and said those things. Then my therapist gives me feedback. She doesn’t tell me it’s perfect. She doesn’t tell me I did all the right things. She’s very honest and doesn’t take well If she thinks I’m trying to spin something toward my own narrative. But she is pretty clear that she thinks that a lot of my perspective on things are pretty spot on and pretty well thought out. Unlike what many of you say. She almost always says that my perspectives on situations are thoughtful And show a relative amount of clarity and introspection, both on what I believe my behavior was, and what I think perhaps my partner’s was. She almost always encourages me to use my own gut and intuition, which she almost always believes is fairly accurate. She is a PhD psychologist from a major US university. If you think you can come up with stronger a valuations, go get your own credentials. I can tell you the things that she doesn’t think I do well, but I’ve already told those on here at some point, not that many of you actually validated when I did that. Maybe you did maybe you didn’t. It just seems like many of you would rather put down what you think are my invalid characteristics, rather than support, when I believe I do well, which is what my therapist seems more eager to do. Why might that be? Only you will know that. She was quite happy with how things were going with the doctor lady, right up until the time it ended. She was impressed with how well her and I were talking about things and trying to come to understandings with our different styles of interacting in the world. She felt a fair amount of Hope, as did I. She doesn’t really get involved in the notion of attachment styles. That isn’t an area she has a lot of background in, so we don’t really discuss that much. I tell her what I’ve learned, and why I think it’s relevant, but it doesn’t really go much further than that. She likes to concentrate on why I did what I did and how do I move forward. she has never indicated that anything that I’ve said, or done with the doctor lady has ever been “controlling” or “manipulating”, at least any more than what anyone might be in a typical relationship. Yes, I feel defensive about this. I don’t like to have to defend myself when I feel like I’ve worked hard to be able to not be controlling or manipulative. Has it been perfect with the doctor lady, of course not. But some of you make these general assumptions that are hurtful, but they’re not based in fact or reality. I’ll trust my therapist in those regards. You should lose that angle. I’ll repeat, and I’m going to say this for the last time, I don’t believe I’ve done nearly anything hugely controlling and manipulative with the doctor lady. Virtually nothing. You can spin it whatever way you want, yeah, I had some underlying motivation for going 39 rather than 35. That’s ridiculous. I already told you my reasoning, it wasn’t a big deal. It shouldn’t have been a big deal. But it was. I’m not gonna lose sleep over it. That’s not the hill That relationship should die on. Nor should be how I used a product on her deck. Or how long my hair is. Or whether I’m religious. Or whether I have enough money for vacations, which was arguable, despite us never really getting past the initial parts of those conversations. I do get that the doctor lady’s values and may not align perfectly. I also believe that there are plenty of successful couples that have the same kind of deficits, they learn to interact in a positive way, through hard work, and through dedication, and they put a plan into action that makes each of them happy, you know why? Because they care about each other enough to do that. I think I think we were on our way to perhaps being able to come to some of those conclusions… Until we weren’t. Attachment disorders. Many of you seem to not want to believe what they are or how they affect how we respond in relationships. This theory is based on scientific study. It’s not conjecture. It’s not armchair psychology. It is a relatively new field of study, and there is strong validity in my argument that this break up had very little to do with how I did or didn’t treat the doctor lady, how she did, or didn’t treat me… But was based on subconscious fears of intimacy, and abandonment. You can have your doubts all day long, and say that this is denial with me, and you may or may not be right. That’s your opinion and you can think what you want. There is validity to that theory, and I guess only time will tell. Maybe the doctor and I will get together again, maybe we won’t. You have no way of knowing, no more than I do. Also, for many of you to say that we were incompatible lacks facts. Just because somebody breaks up with you doesn’t mean that we are inherently incompatible. Look back on the attachment disorder perspective. That is one very possible if not likely theory. Only time will tell. You can theorize all you want. You weren’t there. You didn’t experience what we did, therefore, you’re not in a great position to speculate. I didn’t come on here for you to speculate. I came on here for support and suggestions moving forward. As for me, being controlling, and manipulating… I’ll finish it off by saying this… I don’t feel overly opinionated or stubborn. I feel like I’ve worked hard to get where I am, and I have my own perspectives on things. I don’t force them down peoples throats, but I am going to have opinions on things, and I’m going to say them. For example. I didn’t really give much of my opinion when I talked to the doctor lady about her prescribing psych meds. It wasn’t a long conversation at all. All I did was tell her that my general practitioner does not prescribe, and that I was surprised that her practice did, and wondered what the differences in perspective might be,. You could theorize that what I said was condescending, or judgmental, you’re welcome to those opinions. To me, it was a simple conversation comparing situations. No greater motivation or outcome needs to be assigned to it. Some of you seem really intent on poking holes in anything that I say that supports an opinion. Why don’t you ask yourself why that might be? Is it because you don’t like it when somebody states an opinion that differs from your own? Might you feel insecure that someone actually has an opinion that might deflate something that you thought on your own? two people should be able to have a conversation, and just because you don’t like what someone else says, doesn’t mean that the person offering the opinion is condescending or judgemental. It’s a friggin conversation with two people having different perspectives on it. If you don’t like what the person is saying, it doesn’t mean that it is condescending or judgmental or even manipulative that they are saying it. In fact, I would suggest the opposite. If someone gets annoyed or offended that one has offered an opinion that seems to differ from what they believe or understand, and then they get upset about it and call the other person judgmental or stubborn or condescending, I think that reflects more on the supposed victim than it does on the person who simply offers a perspective on something that may differ than yours. I don’t have a lot of interest in that kind debate. I’m going to ignore it from here on in. my focus, and my responses moving forward are going to be limited to what to do moving forward. For example, I heard from the doctor lady a couple of days ago. We exchanged two messages, but it didn’t go anywhere. Theory suggests that she is still likely reconsidering the break up. That’s pretty much universally agreed-upon. What to do next is the real question, or if to do anything. Many of the resources suggest to let her leave the conversation and not try to force it. Her last text to me did not ask a question. It answered my question. Now I have to figure out whether I should text her back and ask her another question, or wait it out until she notices, my absence, and feels the strength to say something to me. Lots of theory suggests waiting for her to reach back out, but with the strong likelihood that she is a fearful avoidant, she may be thinking that she has already hurt me, and perhaps doesn’t want to hurt me more, or she may be just too anxious about the whole situation and can’t bring her self to do it, despite feeling that she probably does want to talk more and reconnect. As I said 1 million times, I don’t necessarily believe that her and I are destined for destruction. We care about each other deeply, I have no doubt of that. If she fell out of love with me, which is possible, but I’m not even thinking this to be true, then I know what the outcome will be. I don’t believe that. I do believe that she is struggling with something internally, and perhaps even biologically. I don’t know what to do about that, so I’m doing what all of the therapists online, and yes, they are therapist, suggest, from years of study and experience in such matters… Give the situation time. That is what I’m trying to do, but I’m not really sure about strategy. They say there are strategies that will increase the chance that reattraction might occur. That’s what I’m trying to maximize, along with evaluating whether or not, this is the right fit for me, which it may very well not be. I believe her need to control is exponentially higher than mine. That could be problematic, but I’m also willing to try to come to a balance with her that could be mutually satisfying. I’m pretty confident The doctor lady doesn’t wanna break up with me. You can say or believe what you want. You weren’t there. Could I be delusional? Maybe. But I don’t think I am. I think she’s struggling with mental health issues, and I get it, I have my own. Do I think that’s a dealbreaker with either of us, I don’t. Could this be the wrong thing for me to move toward? It might be. But I think there may still be chapters unwritten. I’m not gonna put my life on hold to find out, i’ve already had brief chats with other ladies online that I’m considering pursuing… but I am going to continue to take steps forward to see where those paths might lead with the doctor lady. I hope those of you who are in my corner, so to speak, will wish me luck and hope for the best on my behalf. My little baby soul could use it.
  2. Well, believe what you will, because I believe you are biased and have some sort of agenda that I will never understand.
  3. Thank you. I suffered a warning for calling this person out for this rubbish.
  4. The get your ex back videos that I watch are produced by trained mental health professionals that know why people interact in certain ways, and suddenly distance in ways similar to the doctor lady. they are licensed mental health professionals, most of them have years of experience with this kind of dilemma. also, I never asked her or expected her to conform to anything. I would have liked if she allowed me to be who I am without putting any pressure on me to be different.
  5. I don’t feel like I am bashing her at all. I am telling stories. True stories that are fact. There’s very little opinion to the stories. I tell you what I said, I tell you what she said. Is that really bashing?
  6. Traffic was fairly heavy most of the time during this drive, and cars were speeding up and slowing down because of volume. There were plenty of cars doing the same speed I was, if I remember correctly.
  7. I already know what my part was… And my therapist constantly says that I lead with an open heart, a gentle soul, and a thoughtful disposition. She doesn’t pull any punches, so, if she really thought I was out of control, at least, in terms of the doctor lady, she would certainly tell me. Don’t forget, what I am talking about on here is mostly the negatives. To gush over her positives doesn’t really seem to meet the purpose of been on here. Also, we are not that incompatible. We have tons that are aligned, and we enjoy hanging out with each other… But there are the occasional times, like the ones I’ve described, where I drive her crazy, and she gets kind of annoying. And then the times that she spends greater amount of time being unhappy and crabby, which gets on my nerves. Out of the three days that we typically spent together, it was usually the third day, almost always. That seemed to be a pattern, and I could follow its origin, I’m sure. I don’t feel I did tons wrong. I think I was probably more skillful with how I interacted with her than I have been with any of my previous relationships. Open. More honest. Less likely to get bent out of shape about things. More likely to not confront when I’m feeling triggered. There is a lot to be thankful for regarding this relationship. And clearly, I didn’t see what was coming, which means I didn’t fully understand what was happening with her. I still don’t. But I do know that she cares for me deeply, and she believes that I am a wonderful person, and I still believe that it is likely as much her avoidant fear that got the best of her this time around, for a myriad of reasons, and likely had little to do with me as a person.
  8. I should add that me going 55 mph was mostly a result of cars in front of me going slower (but probably not always), and I just wasn’t noticing the slow down. I don’t believe I was causing danger, but who knows for sure. I do feel pretty sure it wasn’t because I was a danger that she was barking at me. It wouldn’t surprise me if she has a bit of OCD going on, and whenever she notices something is out of the norm, it makes her anxious. She once say that she wanted to get to her destination faster and was getting anxious. to me, 15 mph (sometimes not that much) on a relatively short trip isn’t going to make that much of a difference. I think it was largely because of her anxiety.
  9. In her case, she’s prepared to get nasty pretty quickly… She looses control and starts getting verbally assaultive. I had to intervene and tell her I would handle a delivery guy once, since it was clear she was going to go to battle. Doesn’t seem necessary to me.
  10. Thank you rainbow. Always nice to hear from you… 😊 I think the Dr. Lady has a much greater need to control her environment than I do… Also has a streak of entitlement, which I saw with how she would get upset with service people, should things not go exactly as she thought they should. So, often, I think I was merely in the way of that negative energy. Plus, the more I showed independence in the way I make decisions… I think it made her feel a bit of insecurity. After all… she’s the doctor Lady. Think, deck job…, driving 39 mph. That was all power struggle stuff. I got sucked into it, merely because I continuously wanted to explain why I choose what I did… and that’s a no no with lady’s like her. I should have learned that from the borderline lady, but the doctor lady always seemed to appreciate that kind of discussion, although i suspect she eventually believed I wasn’t listening to her… same as many others. I don’t have that problem with my other friends. We love comparing details about things, and going back and forth about the best way of doing things. We don’t care who’s right or wrong… we just want to figure out what’s best in each situation. Not sure the doctor lady liked being outdone like that…never though… if at worst, my intent was to show her how capable I was at being helpful and skillful… awful, isn’t it? As for the car driving thing… I don’t believe I was intending to be controlling or manipulative in the traditional sense… I think it was an attempt to shown her I was hearing what she was saying, and was perfectly willing and capable of doing what would her happy. If anything, that’s submissive, not controlling. The speed reduction thing came out of a discussion… I may have asked her not to bark at me when I lost focus on 70 mph speed. She then wanted to know what suggestions I might have for her to feel better about that. I told her how my brain manages those kinds of situations. I thought the discussion was fairly proactive and engaged. I’m just not sure she was following the pedagogy… She felt if she didn’t “tell” me I was going too slow, she would continue to get annoyed. She couldn’t fathom how there could be value in allowing somebody to make their own mistakes, and learn to manage them. Ughh…
  11. You are full of crap. You don’t know what you are talking about. Controlling, manipulating… Where do you come up with this crap? I tell my own therapist these stories, with the exact same narrative, and she tells me differently. I will defer to her instincts over your armchair negativity, thanks. But no thanks. lastly, yes, you can TRY hard to be kind and thoughtful… You might try that before writing rubbish like this that isn’t based in being there, or knowing the participants. Geesh.
  12. Yeah, she was trying to insist on driving the last time we went up there, but I really wanted to drive… I know she doesn’t like to drive, and I really enjoy it, and me insisting on driving was my way of showing her that I was hearing what she was saying, and was trying to be more accommodating. I’m not sure if she was buying it, though.
  13. Well, it’s almost hard for me to imagine why it was an issue in the first place. If it were me, I might joke with my partner about them going 15 miles an hour below the speed limit, but I wouldn’t be giving it much more energy than that. The last time we had that confrontation, I think I said to her “one strategy would be if you don’t like the way that your partner is doing something, you could just take over and do it yourself“. She wanted to do that the next time we drove somewhere, and I pretty much talked her out of it, telling her I wanted to be able to redeem myself and show that I could focus on driving and accomplish what she was trying to coerce me to do… Which was drive the speed limit. She was having a hard time even coming to terms with that. I think it annoyed her, because I don’t think she was understanding the intent of why I was interested in driving that day.
  14. Here’s my recent update: I encountered what was likely the worst week I have had in memory. I wasn’t sleeping much. I was eating crappy food and drinking lots of coffee which makes me sick. All I could accomplish was watching videos to try to understand what went wrong with a woman that I adored, but could not understand. Thankfully, I had a gig on Saturday, and my best friend from Canada came down that day and stayed overnight, so I was able to extract a little bit of friendship and peace, which really helped alleviate the absolute darkness I was feeling. Most of the videos were related to attachment disorders, relationship difficulties, and how to re-attract exes under similar circumstances. That’s almost all I was capable of doing for the entire week. I decided to go completely no contact. Most all of the online therapists that seem to be experts in relationship theory believe that no contact is the best way to perhaps limit collateral damage. I may have mentioned this before, but going no contact when someone breaks up with you allows the dumper to begin the grieving process. Almost all of the online theorists believe that most of the time break ups are not because someone doesn’t care for you, it’s usually because they start to feel less secure for some reason. That adds up. They say that when you go no contact, the person who did the breaking up goes through stages of grief, and after an undetermined amount of time, they begin to start questioning whether or not they made the right decision, and they tend to start thinking about the positive things that went on in the relationship. Pretty much all of the therapists say, and these are licensed mental health practitioners, that if your relationship was mostly loving, and there weren’t any major faux pas, there is a high probability that the ex will reach out at some point, just to see if they can validate whether they made the right decision. Sure enough, after one full week of absolutely no contact, out of the blue, and unexpectedly, I get a text from the doctor lady. I was shocked. I thought that maybe I would hear from her, but not after only a week. I couldn’t imagine what that meant. All she said was “hi Dervish, I hope you are well, and I hope you have a nice time with family at the wedding this weekend up in Canada. Dr. lady“. That’s all she said. I texted her about six hours later, which was recommended, and just simply said “so, is this your way of gloating that you are in Florida right now?” She responded by saying “well, it’s raining here, but warm“ my next text to her asked her simple question about her family members where she is, but it was left on read. That was a bit disappointing, but I’ve experienced that from her before. She eventually answered that question today and followed up by telling me that her nephew came to visit where she is staying in Florida and they went out to the aquarium, which was nice” I didn’t respond yet today, and I am wondering if I will. The online therapists say that there is definitely a strong chance that her and I could reconcile… But I would have to be willing to confront my own part in it, which I’m trying to, but also ask myself a question as to whether or not this is what’s right for me. That I can’t yet answer. My kid thinks it may be a pity text… Just a way for her to be kind and check in and make sure I’m OK. Online therapists suggest that it could be a way for her to subtly show that she’s thinking of me, maybe she misses me. I think that may be true. I miss her, as well. I am not one that believes that her and I are completely incompatible. I think we would have our work cut out for us, but I think that trying to understand our attachment needs, and trying to come up with strategies to prevent us getting on each other’s nerves is within the realm of possibility, knowing that we both care for each other fairly profoundly. I also don’t think the money thing is quite as a dire as some of you may think it is… Particularly when we had a conversation about that probably back in June, and she seemed OK with some of the things that we talked about. I had said to her back then that whoever I partner with is going to make it much easier for me to come up with more on hand cash to do nice things like vacations. I think that’s typical of many families, when one of the partners could not do much on their own, but once they split finances with somebody, it becomes a bit easier. I don’t think my situation would be much different. Multiple online therapists also suggested that the reasons that people say that they are breaking up with you are often not really what’s going on. Most of the time the partner has something else going on. They also say that even if the partner does reach out, that doesn’t necessarily mean they are immediately trying to get back together, although they say that it is often a first potential step, and that the other partner should develop a plan to proceed slowly, in an effort not to scare the ex away once again. I am not entirely sure what I’m going to do, but I do care for her greatly, and I think I will take steps to see if maybe we can try to re-attract each other and try to take steps forward. It could end up in the same spot, which is what everyone says will happen if one and likely, both partners are not willing to do the work. So, that’s where things are at.
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