Background: Dating for a year, long distance but both work from home and see each other whenever we want. First date last September, exclusive since December 2022. Just hit the year mark of dating.
We have been fighting recently, a lot. Like, a lot. It’s been shocking to me how much and how terribly. I consider myself a compassionate and kind communicator and his handling of conflict totally throws me off recently, but this feels new. The thing is recently, he will take some mundane thing like me asking about some work assignment and drag me into a fight for 7 hours. If I say something like “Hey whatever happened to that project? You haven’t mentioned it in a while,” just casually because I’m curious about his life, instead of saying something like “oh yea I really need to do that” or “it’s going great” or “I just decided to abandon that” his response is more like “wow you pointed out something I failed to do and that makes me feel bad.” And he wants me to apologize. It totally makes no sense and throws me off. Lately if I point out something that hurt my feelings, his response is more like “you feeling like I’m hurting you doesn’t make me feel too great” and I’m supposed to apologize. And things were never like that before. It’s driving me crazy and I don’t back down and it makes our fights continue for hours as I try to make sense of things.
The other night, we got into a fight about Instagram. I had mentioned in the past him sharing one of our many photos together on his feed and he said okay but never did it. When it came up this time it became a drag out fight. He gave me every excuse in the book and it felt horrible in the moment and I knew instantly it was a lie or coverup. He was saying things like “if it matters so much to you why don’t you do it?”, “I just don’t want people judging me or liking or seeing my life like that”, “I’ll put one up if it’s soooo important to you, but I don’t feel good that you care so much about what other people think,” “wow you reallly don’t trust me…” like he was trying very hard to twist a nice thing into a bad thing. I would understand if he didn’t use Instagram or something but he still adds people, made sure to put up photos on his birthday to get a lil validation, and has all the pics still up with his ex from 2 years ago! We’ve been together for a year, his family knows I am his girlfriend, we’ve gone on trips with his friends, it seems ridiculous to fight so hard. Granted, I’ve posted some stories that expire in 24 hours of us that he has reposted in his stories as well, but I had a feeling after this huge fight that he must have been hiding those stories from someone/people since you can hide stories from individuals, but you can not hide a permanent post on your feed from anyone. Why would stories be okay but a regular post was a huge problem? I did not see another reason to flip the way he was.
After 10 hours of fighting and yelling at me he finally admits that he’s been blocking his ex girlfriend from 2 years ago from seeing our stories for the entire year we have been dating. They had dated for 8 years, lived together, and still coparent a dog. They’re about as broken up as can be thought. He broke up with her in a pretty messy way, hurt her badly, and didn’t want to rub salt in the wound parading a new girl around is his admission. He also admits that’s silly. He then posts the photo of us. He also says he thinks she’s dating too, saw a pic of a guy on her fridge when he dropped off the dog, but they have never discussed it or anything. He says he was stupid for acting that way. I ask him if he blocked anyone else from seeing our stories other than her. He swears over and over again he didn’t.
The next morning he calls to apologize again but I had noticed something. He follows very few people, but he deleted only one of them after posting our photo. I ask him directly about this. Why did you delete this one random girl today- does this have to do with the photo? He says well yea it was a person who I met before you on a dating app and she and I are just friends now and she tells me about her dates sometimes and I didn’t want her to go snooping on your page and you to ask me who it was but I guess that’s stupid. I panicked because I had never mentioned her to you and it felt not good. I keep pressing him and finally after a little while it comes out that he slept with her during our relationship. He says he felt guilty and sad after, that it happened one time only, that he also has been hiding our stories from her. But he also says she knows he has a girlfriend now.
I was so upset. I asked him when it happened and if I was recently. I suggest this one night when he fell asleep and I couldn’t get in touch with him, and he doesn’t say no immediately. He says he is confused thinks it was after an Irish festival. But the Irish festival was like 2 years ago, before we even dated. So I’m like how do you not know exactly when you slept with someone one time during our relationship? I would think that is a pretty significant memory. He is “so confused” and can’t figure it out. He says it was when the bed was turned the other way (which would be before we were even dating), so I am like what are you saying? “Was it or was it not during our relationship? You just said you remember feeling sad and guilty after it happens and now you don’t remember when it was?” He is like I want to figure out the timeline..and he texts this woman to ask her. I said please don’t. But he already had. When she received the text, according to him, she was apparently mad because her friend had blocked her and was now asking when they hooked up and so she asked him to call her. And he CALLED HER. I told him I would really prefer he not but he said it felt important to give me the timeline. And they spent about 15 mins on the phone and I just sat there. I have no idea what was said. I would never believe any of it. They could have come up with a story together for all I know. It doesn’t matter. I feel really disrespected he called her. He then gets off the call and tells me okay it was November, which was after our first date but before we were official. He gives so many details now including the exact night, time, etc., and I look back through my texts and it makes sense. It lines up. It was the day after he left one of our visits after we had argued. He was questioning things and frustrated and it was early on. I can believe it was that date when looking over the timeline but do I know if it ever happened again after that? No. But he swears it was just that once. And again, I also don’t understand if she knows he has a girlfriend now and they are just friends…why he’s been blocking her from seeing my photos in his stories since then. Is it just so this tryst wouldn’t ever come out?
We continuing arguing. I am so hurt. The sex they had a year ago doesn’t even bother me weirdly. It was so long ago before he was my bf. It’s really the lies, the protection, the gaslighting, the covering up, the hiding me, the disrespect of calling her instead of begging for me that is hurting. At one point in our convo his ex had to drop off or pick up their dog quick. And after that he comes back and is crying and explains that when she came by to do that, he addressed the photo he finally posted of us, told her that he was dating someone, and she said “that’s awesome I want you to be happy.” Then he said he started crying and explained to her that he should be happy but he messed it up in a familiar way and proceeded to tell her what had been going on. And she offered him advice of having his intentions match what he wants etc.
I am humiliated that now two women know our struggles, his ex and some random woman he slept with last year. They didn’t need to know that. I am so embarrassed and it’s stinging me. Even if we work this out and 30 years from now we are blissful with 10 babies living in paradise these women get to look at me and think well he didn’t really want her at first, he wanted me in the beginning, or he didn’t change for her, or whatever people think. I know that’s all silly and maybe just a temporary emotion but it’s still an added layer I’m going through on top of the circus of betrayal. My therapist said feeling that is human and normal. But I wanted to vent it out.
Other things: yes he is in therapy. He has been for years. I am too. We had a nicer talk after all this where he was basically saying that he is scared in relationships and has fears about this and them. His frustrations with life and himself had him lashing out in bad ways; earlier on in his old ways like seeking validation from women, and more recently just lashing out at me. He wants to and needs to find better ways of handling things, he loves me so much, our connection is crazy, he thinks I’m so wonderful, etc.
I just wanted to vent. I know that the answer is going to be to leave him. I know. I just want to talk I think because I have no one to talk to right now. And I am sad.
