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HeartAce

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  1. I hate threads that start with a lot of info and then suddenly cut off with no conclusion. So, an update for any potential readers of this thread: Her mum died a few months later. We were in semi-regular contact throughout that time. It took us over a year but we eventually did get back together. There were no terms or time goals or promises or any deeper discussions on this subject actually. It just worked out that way. Been together over a year now and are happy. She's grown a lot mentally and, as unbelievable as it sounds to me, I have changed somewhat. (There I was thinking men don't change.) Not sure details are of any relevance but I will be happy to share with anyone interested. Thanks to everyone on this forum for their great help and advice. Hope I'll be able to pay it forward. 🙂
  2. Just a little update - there is actually quite a lot that happened in the last month but I have to somehow wrap it up in some concise piece of text. Long story short for now - after some slow text exchanges we met at the end of December, talked and spent a day together, then another day at the end of the year. She then came over to my parent's place just after NY and spent the night there. I didn't initiate any text convos nor pushed her for anything. We talked some more but never really talked about the old relationship. Rather, we discussed the future. Slowly, at this point, she doesn't really know where I stand with my personal life and I am in no rush to spit it all out yet. I wouldn't classify this as her "being back" just yet (partly because there really is no "back"). But she spent the last three days and nights at my place and it feels good at both ends. I do realize that she may have come to me for all the wrong reasons and though life has taught her some very hard lessons in the past 6 months, she may not have done all the work needed to make us a successful relationship. I feel I have done some of this on my part and there is more yet to do there. We'll see if she's willing/able to do what it takes. I expect the hard work starts just about now. Over the last couple of days we talked about her moving together with me. If she does, it might be around March time. There is lots of other detail and extra context so careful about quick judgements please. My heart's on a leash right now and while I still do want to be with her, I know there is a price yet to be paid and (lots of) work to be done. I will post the details for anyone interested once I get a minute of peace from work. The start of the year is crazy. All the best to you all
  3. A little update… After the initial “I remember and miss you every day” stuff there came some pull back. I am guessing my EX and her BF/rebound/FWB/whatever are on talking terms again. At least it feels like it. We just had a simple conversation over texts, during which I didn’t really say much, but it was probably enough for her to sense that I’m not entirely gone and that I am still willing to talk. That was all it took for her to leave my world again. Or at least that’s how I read it. Anyway, she texted me again today after a few days of silence. Apparently her mum’s been taken to hospital, it looks serious. I told her to be strong and offered help with anything if it was needed. She then called me earlier tonight just to vent… apparently she has no-one else to call. I just listened and didn’t say much… Then we ended the call. I know it is hard for her. But W T F?? (This is a rhetorical question...)
  4. We actually don't meet very often. I only saw her 3 times since the breakup 5 months ago.
  5. Not sure if she knows she's causing pain. I never told her anything about her would cause me pain. I don't want her to feel guilty and at the same time I don't want to display any of my weakness to her. When we meet I try to be neutral so I don't show any emotion where possible.
  6. The way I am reading it is she doesn't really want the partnership back. What she's missing is the connection that we have between us. I believe she's just waiting for me to move on to finally be friends with me. First, she didn't expect it would take this long for me to move on. Second, she didn't expect I'd cut all comms during the time. Third, she's suffering her own pains as well and is hoping I can help ease them. I can't give in to this, as tempting as she sounds. Nothing other than "I want to get back together", nothing. This one is still going to hurt.
  7. A little update just for the sake of it… She texted again at the end of October to check if I was going to a sports event. I replied that I wasn’t planning to. This is a regular event that we both went to for the past 7 years and me even longer. Never missed. She got upset and asked why and then asked if she was a stranger to me. I didn’t respond to that one and let it be. Another month and another text… would I be at my place over this weekend? I usually go out of the city for weekends, so I said no. Another stuff she would like to collect, apparently. I checked and confirmed to her that what she wanted wasn’t there. Then a bit of breadcrumbing with “how are you”, “why don’t you call sometimes”… I didn’t really respond. Then it came. She blamed me of cutting her out of my life and so on. I just replied that we have talked about this and agreed on that we are not friends. She asked if it means that we will never see each other and I replied that I will always be happy to see her. She then said “I’m really sorry about all this, not a day goes by when I don’t remember you and miss you. But I’ll leave you alone for some time again…” I replied that I was sorry too bu some things are just hard for me to turn off. To which she responded that I should then understand that she also cannot just cut me off. I said no I didn’t really understand, given the situation. I didn’t want to leave on a bad note so wished her well and asked what the matter was when the last time I saw her she seemed happy. She said that was a long time ago and many things have changed since then. She also mentioned her health problems for the last few months and I wished her to get well soon. I keep the convo short and usually end it before it gets anywhere. I really do want to talk to her but at the same time I know it would do me no good. She keeps coming back with more texts… I am guessing that her new RS is not going the way she planned and I genuinely believe her when she says she is missing me. That does not mean she would like to get back together, though… or at least she did not say anything that would imply that. And I don’t really want anything else. I still want her back but all the pain from the breakup is under control. I still feel it but I can beat it with other positives in my life. The last few months I set myself on a course of success and I do exactly that - succeed. I concentrate mostly on work and the results are now coming in. Other people notice and I have been offered a place in the C-level management in the company. This of course feeds my ego and proves the fact that if I want to succeed, I will. Not sure if the same applies to human relationships but this one I cannot really control so I leave it be and develop as it will. Not hoping or waiting for anything really, but if it happens, I will let myself be pleasantly surprised. To any of you going through the turmoil of a break up - don’t ever give up! Concentrate on what you’re good at and improve it. There will be success if you are persistent and this will fuel you on your way forward. There will be bad moments, of course, memories, dreams, loneliness… but it will become a bit more manageable. I now feel much stronger to deal with whatever my EX throws at me - good or bad.
  8. ninjabib: Yeah I got this the first time :) Was more of a rhetorical question on my part. Guess you're right about her trying to keep me hanging. She still has stuff at my place and even has keys. Whenever she wanted somethin of hers I told her she could collect it as she has keys but somehow she never has the keys with her. She mentioned yesterday that she would come to return them (though I doubt she's really planning on doing this anytime soon). And yes, I agree her mood is all about herself. She feels hurt that she's losing me and whether I like it or not I have to leave her with it. The sports trainings are difficult. There are other places but they are all interconnected with mutual friends everywhere. Right now, I don't really want to see our mutual friends. I do better dealing with my problems on my own... always have. But thank you for your concern. Thanks again for the strength this forum is giving me.
  9. Thanks ninjabib. I don't really feel like I've done everything correctly - is there even such a thing is these situations? - but I appreciate the validation. The situation continued today when my ex texted more about that it makes her sad that we cannot be friends and we don't give a damn about one another at all. I responded that on the contrary, I do care a lot. At which she said that it doesn't look like it if I want her out of my life completely, and that obviously our relationship did not have any added value that I would like to keep. I said that the relationship had more value to me that she may think right now, but that relationship is no more. She still insisted that there are many forms of the relationship other than partnership. I just said that I still feel the same regardles of "form". She then said that she'd like to collect some stuff from my place, to which I agreed a bit reluctantly. She came over, no hug or kiss and I did not offer. Collected her stuff (that she probably didn't quite need), asked how I was and if I was going to come to our trainings and I responded friendly but briefly. Doing fine and no. Before she left, she asked "when are we going to see each other again", to which I responded "probably never" and laughing about it... I was starting recall all those feelings and of course my mood was going sour. As she had one foot out of the door, she uttered that she wanted to let me know she was with someone and thought it fair to tell me before I learn from elsewhere. I didn't move an eyelid as first, I still believe she had a thing going on for a number of months before we broke up - maybe not physically but there was definitely something, I could read that much in her - and second, I kind of felt she expected a reaction. I wasn't going to give it to her. It saddens me, of course, as we're far more detached than I originally thought. The new relationship does not bother me that much as at her age, they come and go and honestly, it's extremely hard to live with her, requires an incredible amount of patience... and today's guys are all but patient. But I'm somewhat confused by all her anger (almost) about us not talking and yet all she really wanted to tell me is that she has somebody else. Now I'm as pragmatic as they come and I do get what she says about "the partnership is gone but that doesn't mean we're not very good friends anymore. Somehow, she has it in her mind that partnership is just an upgrade to regular friendship and one can switch and downgrade at a snap of their fingers. Or so it seems. I know I would be able to do this if I didn't love her anymore. But I can't while I still do which she doesn't seem to understand and gets upset at me for not wanting it. At this point, I will probably miss the trainings more than anything. I have dedicated more than 10 years to this sport and now I just feel I can't go there. If I do and she is there I would have to practice with her (it would be considered extremely rude to refuse, under the code) and I know it would only have more negative impact on my mental state. If she is not there, everything would just keep reminding of her and I would just miss her more. The trainings are where we met and they formed a significant part of our life together. If I don't go there she will feel bad as she believes I don't go because I'm avoiding her and she gets upset. It's very difficult to convince her that it's not about her. It is difficult to even convince myself. Because it is about her and it isn't at the same time. A deadlock situation for me. It will not take long for all my friends there to take notice I've vanished. I am expecting them to contact me any day now to ask why I don't show up. Sorry for the long vent... just had to get it all out. Will feel better I'm sure. Thanks for all your patience and for being here.
  10. Just a side note, a small observation on my ex's behaviour. When she ended things over 3 months ago, I knew she wasn't comfortable about it. I appreciate it must have been difficult for her. I am sure she had and still has strong feelings for me. At first she didn't want to talk to me for days, avoided any of my questions like the plague, never wanted to talk about us at that point. When we met at that time, she knew I wanted he back so much and cared for her. I saw it made her uncomfortable. A few weeks later, she seemed more relaxed about us, though the tension was still there. But we were able to talk and laugh together. Then she was ok with us not talking at all, didn't contact me for over a month and I don't know how she felt. Now it seems that she's upset about me not talking to her, she snaps at me over text that I don't come to trainings anymore (because of her)... not sure why she should care what I do or why, after all, she left my life and didn't want me in hers. Now that would not be exactly correct as she so much wanted to continue "being friends"... but I just wouldn't have it. Maybe all the irritation is just because she can't have it her way...
  11. Just to update a bit on my situation and its progress... some might find it useful, I'm just venting my feelings really... In the end I did invite my ex to watch our favourite TV show, which she gladly accepted. We cooked dinner together and then watched the show. I packed some leftovers for her to take to work with her, which she really liked. Then she left later that night. Everything was really ok - felt like good old friends spending an evening together. Exactly where I don't want this to end up. (She even joked about how she was already thinking of moving again - to her new BF I assume.) So after she left and we exchanged a couple of texts, I thanked her for coming over, said it was good to see her but I cannot just be friends with her. She replied she was sorry to hear that but accepts it. I then went to NC. She contacted me eactly after 30 days - the typcal "how are you". I replied that I was fine and hoped she was the same way. She then asked if I was avoiding her and I said no, she said that I was no longer going to our sport trainings. I did not respond to that anymore. Another 10 days of NC, she was breadcrumbing again - asking meaningless questions about her computer battery. I responded shortly but politely. She then said that if I wasn't going to trainings just to avoid her then I could start again as she wouldn't make them because of work anywas. I said ok thanks. Then she asked if I was ok. I didn't respond. An hour later she texted that she didn't deserve being ignored, that she did nothing wrong to me and that if I didn't want to speak to her I should just say so. Somehow, I was very calm about this all and I didn't feel any need to respond to any of her questions, accusations, breadcrumbs, anything. I still love her very much, I still want her back if she wants to return... But I don't feel any urge to ask her to do anything nor do I feel any need to explain myself anymore. I did respond, though, saying that I don't feel like I did anything wrong to her either. And that if we are to not be together, really end the relationship and move on, we just shouldn't be in contact as it would only complicate and prolong the process. And that it's not like I didn't like her or feel anything negative toward her. She responded with some more questions like "is it helping?" and I said "we'll see". I then left it at that. It is strange but NC really is working in the sense that most naysayers here will advertise. It does help to forget and move on. I still have the feelings and everything, only everything just feels more distant. Now I did say in the beginning that definitely do not want to move on. That still stands and I deliberately do all this purely just to retain my sanity. Very selfish in many ways but necessary at the same time. I still believe she might come back. And I still very much desire that she does. And I am going to keep working on that (and keep working on myself). Only I know that if it doesn't happen, I will not let myself panic or do stupid things. Here are some points that I found important during my journey so far: 1. I accepted that things are as they are and there is one thing I can influence at the moment - myself. 2. I worked on myself, both physically and mentally, exercised regularly, took on difficult projects at work. I have a long history of succeeding if I spend enough energy. So I succeeded. Lost almost 15% weight and feel very fit now. Projects at work are successful and both my boss and my team seem happier. Needless to say that all these results feed the ego and I feel satisfied with myself. As a side-effect, all that busy-ness takes thoughts away from the BU and my ex. 3. At no point was I impolite or even rude to my ex. It was difficult at times as some of our conversations tended to slip toward the whose fault was what, but we ended those in time. In the first 2-3 weeks I did ask (not necessarily beg) her to reconsider and wrote her letters and sad texts but once I entered NC (or LC if you wish) I was always polite, responded in a friendly manner and never ventured outside the current topic. I don't want to ruin whatever is left between us - I never know what the future holds for the two of us. I do not say I didn't have my moments - there were times I cursed her name in my mind blaming her for all the VERY bad feelings I was going through, picturing her all happy in her new relationship, ignoring me for so long after all that used to be between us... but I would never ever say any of that loud to her or anybody else. 4. Some days were very rough and I just couldn't concentrate on anything but her and what she'd said or how things used to be and all that made me even more sad realizing it was all gone and probably not ever coming back. Had 4 or 5 such bad patches in the last 2 months. I have two techniques to deal with this: a. One that learned here on this forum - I had 3 or 4 happy thoughts ready in my mind (successful projects at work and what else was coming, improvements I wanted to do on my car, etc.). Whenever I felt like my mind was slipping toward the bad thoughts, I just forced myself to think about the happy thoughts. I am actually good at shutting my mind from hurtful thoughts - sometimes it's better to go through the bad thoughts, sometimes the pain is just too bigh, so I can command my brain to think about something else. b. I read a story from a world traveller that whenever she was close to giving up because of tiredness, hunger, thirst, lack of sleep... she just thought about the present moment - not the future, not the past. Just to survive the present moment. I adopted the same - whenever I felt really bad, I just said to myself I only had to survive the next day, the next hour, the next minute... "you just have to survive this one moment, just get through now"... never let my mind wander off to think how long this would take. Just had to survive now. 5. NEVER EVER under any circumstances did I think or ask her about her new relationship. For all I know there isn't any as this was never confirmed and I am only guessing through signs. Her relationship with somebody else is not my business while we're not officially together and I honestly don't want any information about it. Nor do I want to picture any details of it. For me, this doesn't exist and I don't care if it does. There is a movie that I like where the main character once say "every girl is with somebody before she's with you"... I tend to live by this. It took over three months to collect myself and be at peace WITH MYSELF. Am I completely over it? No, far from it I guess. Will she come back? If I had to guess at this point, I would say very unlikely. But I have most of my strength back and I have a goal. And as I said earlier, I have a history of succeeding...
  12. Thanks, I didn't know about the Journal section. I will still post here about the progress if it's ok as I'm sure I'll welcome help on the way. Right now, I am still undecided if I should invite her over after such a short time... or is it too soon? I can hold NC for as long as needed but don't want to overdo NC just for the sake of NC. Thanks again for all your support, you're all great!
  13. I get what you guys are saying and appreciate the advice, which I'm sure is meant well. At this point, though, I absolutely refuse to move on from this. It's why the thread title is what it is. And I also said this in my original post. Don't get me wrong, it's not some childish negativity on my part - it's not a favourite toy taken away from me that I want back. At some level, I just feel that the relationship is not depleted. And it can of course be just me and she feels it differently - but so far the signs say otherwise. And I'm not all that bad at reading between the lines - though I admit my mind's still a bit clouded now. Do I NEED her back to survive? No. I have always survived (in much more difficult situations) and will survive this if I want to. Do I WANT her back? YES. So for me, this is a choice that I am making - maybe to my own damage... that's to be seen.
  14. Yes, I have no doubt she ended our relationship because of somebody else. I'm not the jealous type as I know the feeling when there's someone new, beautiful and wonderful around. So in a way (a very twisted way you might say), this might be what she needs to realize that our situation was not all that bad and the new guy is not all that good - and I needed this "wake-up call" to realize I should care more and not take things for granted - which I admittedly do.
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