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SixOfOne

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  1. Day 84 OK, I'm finally accepting that it's over. No more grief, no more anger, no more denial. I'm learning to truly love myself and to understand on a gut level that I deserve to be happy without compromise, without giving myself away for nothing in return. Not looking forward to these upcoming holidays, the first since the breakup, but this too shall pass. Hang in there, y'all. It really does get better.
  2. If the day should ever come that reconciliation is discussed, my sticking point is going to be communication that addresses the limits of our individual attachment styles. I cannot have a relationship with someone that can’t even communicate enough to maintain a connection. I can’t get involved with someone who is so extremely avoidant that she can’t generate the interest and effort required to have a meaningful relationship with an anxious attacher like myself. I can’t be with someone who’s unyielding avoidance kept my anxiety flared up to the max. I can’t be with someone that keeps a wall around herself, and only lets me in so far and only when she’s ready. I tried to accommodate your attachment needs by giving you all the time and space you wanted without complaint, and you made no effort to even acknowledge mine, which often would have been no more than a brief text asking how I am. And if you did acknowledge them, you labeled them as ‘neediness’ and ‘fear’ and ‘desperation’ when in reality they were only the efforts of someone working to maintain a relationship with you. We could have been steady and solid for the rest of our lives with the smallest of adjustments and a minimum of effort. But they were adjustments and efforts that required the cooperation of two people with a common goal, and we obviously never had that. Your effort was primarily directed at maintaining your own safe and secure little status quo, deep within the protection of your walls. If you can't love me enough to put in some equal effort then please find someone like yourself that doesn’t have a clue about your needs and doesn’t care, and isn’t interested in having you get involved with theirs. Please find someone with a wall around himself so high he can’t even see yours, because then you won’t have to be bothered with nuisances like effort and goals. I sound bitter because I am. You let me in far enough for long enough for me to fall completely in love with you, and now you’re given up and gone.
  3. If the day should ever come that reconciliation is discussed, my sticking point is going to be communication that addresses the limits of our individual attachment styles. I cannot have a relationship with someone that can’t even communicate enough to maintain a connection. I can’t get involved with someone who is so extremely avoidant that she can’t generate the interest and effort required to have a meaningful relationship with an anxious attacher like myself. I can’t be with someone who’s unyielding avoidance kept my anxiety flared up to the max. I can’t be with someone that keeps a wall around herself, and only lets me in so far and only when she’s ready. I tried to accommodate your attachment needs by giving you all the time and space you wanted without complaint, and you made no effort to even acknowledge mine, which often would have been no more than a brief text asking how I am. And if you did acknowledge them, you labeled them as ‘neediness’ and ‘fear’ and ‘desperation’ when in reality they were only the efforts of someone working to maintain a relationship with you. We could have been steady and solid for the rest of our lives with the smallest of adjustments and a minimum of effort. But they were adjustments and efforts that required the cooperation of two people with a common goal, and we obviously never had that. Your effort was primarily directed at maintaining your own safe and secure little status quo, deep within the protection of your walls. If you can't love me enough to put in some equal effort then please find someone like yourself that doesn’t have a clue about your needs and doesn’t care, and isn’t interested in having you get involved with theirs. Please find someone with a wall around himself so high he can’t even see yours, because then you won’t have to be bothered with nuisances like effort and goals. I sound bitter because I am. You let me in far enough for long enough for me to fall completely in love with you, and now you’re given up and gone.
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