Euth

I want you to message me so bad. I just keep thinking that if you really cared you'd find any way possible to get in touch with me. I know it's selfish to want that because I insisted on no contact, but I did that because you were draining my mental health so badly, I just didn't feel like myself anymore. I know if you messaged me it would just be shallow anyways but I want you to miss me and I want you to feel guilty and recognise the role you played in the end of us. I hate that I loved you so much when our relationship was just and so nothing at all. I think you were my true first love and I wouldn't wish the experience on anyone, i'm sure you're doing fine and are getting on with your routine and not thinking about it, i guess this is pretty easy for you since you had no trouble ignoring and not messaging me when we were actually together. I'm sure one day you will marry your friend who you've kept close for so many years after your relationship ended, you spend the amount of time with him that you would expect someone to spend with the person they are in a relationship with. Even my councillor said that it was ing weird! I wish I had just let things end back in January and just given up and not tried to push on and make things work, but damn I am stubborn. I will get my pride back and move on with my life. I don't know if you'll ever truly find the love you want when you continue to do the things you do.

Feeling pretty lonely today. Today is one of the only days I would usually see my ex and I'm thinking about them a lot right now. I know if we were to see each other then it would just cause me more pain afterwards because it wouldn't be how I would want it to be. We never really even did anything together but I think it was just nice to have some company outside of work even when we were doing mundane things. I expected to experience some loneliness and its been so long since I've had to spend a week by myself without contacting them. I can't even remember how I functioned on my own so much before I met them. God I hope this gets easier, this is only the 2nd day of no contact but the 6th week after breaking up. Just want to feel like myself again.