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Greg40s

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  1. Yes, this is exactly right. I think with the recent reassurances that, when it comes time to date, I won't instantly crash and burn, I am in no hurry whatsoever to date again. First order of business is looking after my kids and my wife. Then it's learning how to be okay alone while establishing a new family rhythm. And them somewhere down the line I can think about dating. I'm in no hurry.
  2. Not yet. I'm hoping this will be okay when we sort it all. I will do anything for my kids and my wife so they have what they need - I'm already trying to work my finances so they are secure. Similarly, my wife wants to make things work for me. At some point soon, we will need a legal separation agreement but, again, I hope that this will be something we can work through together. Obviously I can't predict how things will go in the future but, right now, we are a team on this.
  3. Yes, of course. This was really where I got to anyway. A level of soul searching was of crucial importance in advance so I had clarity on the decisions. But yes, now we're in the practical phase and looking after the kids is the top priority.
  4. Almost three months later and I thought I'd come back with an update. A lot has happened. I went through a long process of trying to figure out if I was truly ready to end my marriage. At the same time, I knew thoughts of someone else were clouding my judgement. So I slowly stopped that communication so that any decisions I made were about me and my wife and our marriage, and not dreams of some greener grass elsewhere. And yet that turned out to be harder than I thought because one of the huge factors that became apparent was how much fear I had. Fear for an unknown future. Fear of being alone. Fear of trying to date in my 40s. So I ended up more conflicted than ever, even though I think I knew in my heart that any hopes of a healthy marriage were gone. Through a series of events, I ended up in the same place as this other person and we met. There was nothing there. Whatever we had was gone. And that was okay. It actually felt good somehow. I struck up a weird friendship with someone else on that trip - a very strong attraction with someone else. So now I had gone from going a whole marriage without any real attraction to anyone else to finding two people in the space of a few months. Even though we brought that to a clear close and it's done and, like the first person, not a factor in what happens next, what I learned from this was hugely important. One is that, on every level, I am clearly ready to meet other people. Something has awakened within me. I have no idea how that happened but it did. And if I continue to be married, I will just end up as a cheating husband and that's no good to anyone. The other thing is that, somehow, I've hit a point in my life where I'm actually more attractive to people than seemingly I was before. And that may seem like some sort of shallow, vain realisation but it turns out it's important to me because it removes a whole layer of fear. I'm okay with being alone. I can learn to live a new life by myself. And when I'm ready, I can date. And I'll do okay. I'm not doomed to be alone forever when I'm ready to find someone. And so without these fears, the path was very clear. I'm bringing my marriage to a close and we're now separating. I'm still nervous for the future of course. But more than that, I'm excited. In the short term, what's important now is going through this process in the best possible way. For my wife, for my kids and for myself. We only want the best for each other. It will be hard but we're going to be okay.
  5. Yes. She had to talk me into coming around to the idea. So eventually I agreed and we got married. To be fair to her, I probably showed all the classic 'fear of commitment' signs and so she likely figured that she needed to get me over that.
  6. It really does. And a lot of lessons, I have been very slow to learn.
  7. I'm not sure if you think you're being helpful here but it's clear from your other responses that you're not quite reading the situation. And that's okay - not everyone's point of view is going to be helpful for every situation. I guess just know that I hear what you're saying and it probably doesn't need to be repeated. Yep. It's actually really heart-warming to hear your experience. Thank you! I'm really happy for you and encouraged that people can find that.
  8. Yes, I wasn’t suggesting that this was an option for me. I just meant in terms of answering the question about regrets - I don’t think there is a way for me to get through this without huge risk of regrets no matter what I do, right? Either way, they seem to come built in to the choices. On a purely selfish level, there is no way I can have it all, no secure path here. I do understand why people have affairs now though and I think it could be exactly that - trying to have it all. I even suspect it probably works for some people. Not many. But some. I often find myself considering what Esther Perel says about us basically expecting too much from one person in a marriage. We want our partner to be everything. And it’s too much to ask. I know that’s exactly what I have been doing. In a complete picture of marriage, not much is missing for me. But the part that is missing turns out to be hugely important. If I did think there was a way of me having that without upsetting everything else, I’d probably jump at it.
  9. Yes. Yes, I will. The amount of things in my life that I will lose on the path I’m on is huge. I’m not just losing a wife but an entire life. And if that turns out worse (and it absolutely could), of course I’ll regret it. The list of future regrets here is massive. Some are as good as guaranteed even if I do land on my feet. It terrifies me. And that’s partly how I ended up here after all this time. My life works. I have a large, consistent and (as I have now accepted) unfixable unhappiness with my marriage. Honestly, perhaps the only way not to have those regrets would be to keep my wife in the dark, continue on as normal and have an affair. Maybe that would give me everything. But that’s not right. So it’s stay in the marriage and accept that unhappiness forever or it’s risk every regret and break everything for everyone. Am I missing an option?
  10. Yes, I get the effect of all this. I don't know what I can do with that but I get it. I spent years imagining a do-over. Playing out fantasies of what I would do differently. I spent far too long doing that before I tried to fix this some years ago. So I get it. But I'm also not going to fixate on what me in my 20s did because I can't change that. I don't even know that person. All I can do is control what I do from this moment. As for your other question, that one stopped me dead. I don't know if I'm near ready to call it that at all but I don't know if any distinction there hugely matters. I'm not saying this thought process is right and I'm not remotely suggesting that I don't tell her as part of all this but I have to say that, for me, it's not anywhere near the largest part of this picture. I know it won't be taken that way and it may not read this way from my first post but I'm not leaving my wife for another woman. I have no idea if this will even go anywhere and I have set boundaries so that, right now until I'm past sorting myself out, it won't. That could already be over essentially. The feelings and the confirmation it brought were just like a final piece of a puzzle for me. Every other issue would have remained without meeting this person. But as for when... I really don't know. I don't know what I'm doing and when yet.
  11. No, I wouldn't say that. Maybe right at the start. And I wouldn't say the love wasn't there completely so I didn't fully need to be won over - only when it got to discussions of marriage did I hit a barrier. And yes, that barrier was very clear at the time and I was kind of talked around it. That wasn't her fault - that was completely my fault. This is fair question. She is all those things. And there are far worse things in the world than spending your life with a friend. But it's not enough for me because... For me, this has been apparent for a long time, at least on my side. And what Mical asks above is relevant because I think the fact that I was lucky to have a kind person in my life was how I went so long before facing problem. I realise how stupid a lot of this must sound at times. A lot of it hasn't even made sense to me over the years, even though it's been there all that time - small at first and then becoming a larger issue.
  12. Ultimately, I guess this is true. She is a great person. I tried to find the connection here. I worked to create the situations that would ignite any feelings beyond just being great housemates. We both did. It's just not there. And for some, maybe what we have would be enough. It's certainly comfortable in so many ways - doing something about this because it's not enough will be far, far less comfortable and scary. But it's not enough. I think it's that simple. It has taken me far too long to realise that and I don't think I have quite come to terms with it even now.
  13. Thank you so much for your compassion. I really appreciate it. Yeah, I get this and I guess I accept it. I don't really see as false pretenses. I'm not even sure I see it entirely as a mistake even though I am where I am. I guess I go back and forth on that a bit. I didn't know exactly what it was supposed to be like when you marry someone. Maybe I have to feel it to know it and then I'll understand fully what the difference was. I can try to unravel that and I suppose it does inform where I am now but that was a long time ago and I can't go back. So it's what happens from here that matters now. The whole situation frightens me. I have no sense of the future now. I don't know what it looks like or how it will work. Unless I just chose to suck it up and keep living like I do now. But I know I can't do that. Having some fearful days right now I guess. I think it's probably normal to fear the unknown, and I have lived the known for so long. Even if parts of it hurt, I could live it. (that sounds somewhat dramatic...)
  14. I'd be lying if I said this wasn't a part of it. I have made this life work for so long and, largely, it does work. I have a lot of good things in my life that I will lose in the hopes that I can make something else better... and with no guarantees. So yes, this is a factor and it's probably a big part of why I didn't do something years ago. But I feel now having worked through what has turned out to be a stupidly long process that I've hit a tipping point and I might just need to let some things go. I feel bad for where I was back then because I genuinely thought I was going to make this all better. And things definitely got better. So many life improvements during that time... it just wasn't enough. What I thought I'd find just wasn't there. Just as a side point, maybe there is a business opportunity in cards for people like us "Happy 10 year anniversary! I'm smiling in spite of everything I'm pushing deep inside so I don't break something"
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