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Cherylyn

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Cherylyn last won the day on February 21 2023

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  1. Courtship exists dependent upon whom you're referring to. Conservative, traditional, perhaps faith based (or religious) type people lean towards courtship with serious intentions towards marriage otherwise they're simply wasting everyone's time. I think it's beautiful to get to know a person first, study their character and envision a committed, legal future together. However, if you're outside the realm of the courtship ritual, then it's a real game changer all around. Many times, there's no intention towards marriage, some people play the field or sow their wild oats first before ever even imagining a more permanent relationship for the long haul. They're not ready to settle down. Then you throw in the demands of careers, choices regarding pregnancy or terminating pregnancies. That type of unfettered path will be the guiding force for so many people's lives.
  2. Your life will experience different phases with friends. During youth, life is more carefree and there's more time and energy to be with people your own age. There are less responsibilities especially before joining the masses with full time employment, marriages, family, paying bills and the whole lot. People move on. Even though you have cherished memories with them, it's not the end of the world. Perhaps join clubs or your local church if you're faith based. People will not come to you. You have to go to them to start and maintain friendships. If you want to continue your education, concentrate on that. Everything else will follow and fall into place. If you decide to focus on work, then do that but branch out socially. Keep in mind, not all friends are for life. People come and go. To no fault of anyone, sometimes friendships drift apart and fade away because life takes over. There are some friends who remain for the long term whereas others do not. It's how life unfolds. Also, new people will enter your life. In the meantime, be your best self. Take good care of your health, interests, do what you enjoy and be independent minded because it's awfully attractive. People are drawn to independent people who are interesting and have a life of their own. 🙂
  3. No one ever said life was fair. I say keep the peace. I don't exactly like my in-laws and some relatives either but for the sake of the whole, I've since learned to be peaceful, detached, don't engage yet I'm polite and well mannered. I am respectful. I suggest you do the same. There is a way to be a peaceful person without overly investing yourself into people whom you're not fond of. It's called showing class and grace despite uncomfortable situations and family dynamics. Rise above it and take the high road. Practice good diplomacy. Love nor hate. Adapt. However, it doesn't mean chumminess. Carry yourself with aplomb and you will be fine. Don't allow your emotions to cloud your judgement. Exercise self control. Don't get mad. Be smart.
  4. I agree with @Lambert. Yes, he was gaslighting you. Gaslighting is deliberately throwing you off track so you begin to question and doubt your perception of the facts. It's typical psychological warfare. Unfortunately and fortunately, I'm very experienced with regards to being on the receiving end of gaslighting for the greater part of my life. Once you're onto a gaslighter, you're no longer easily fooled. Don't be brainwashed by his family that it's you. Don't second guess yourself either. Make logical sense and then it's all very clear to you. Never muddle your thoughts by outside influences nor doubt your reality. That's a step in the right direction. I'm glad you're separated. It's better to have peaceful boundaries instead of fighting any day.
  5. To him, you're just a romp in the hay or another notch on his belt. Once he's done using you, he'll discard you and onto his next conquest. ☹️ You need to think this through. Never sell yourself cheap. You're more expensive than that. He doesn't sound like a keeper. 👎
  6. I'll give you examples of courtship from the old time stories passed onto me from generations ago. This is whether from my family or my husband's. In the old days, it was very common to demonstrate interest in a girl, meet her in the parlor for tea, go through rituals of very dear, close friendship towards the serious intention of the marriage minded. Often times according to family lore, bearing humble gifts such as a book of poetry (other safe topics) from someone's home with a handwritten inscription, dating very briefly with a chaperone, asking her father's permission for marriage, a fairly quick engagement and marriage date were typical rituals. This timeline was generally not long and drawn out. Courtship was considered proper, very honorable and met society's expectations. As I've initially mentioned earlier in this thread, there was no contraception nor terminating pregnancy choices available back in the day. Therefore, there were shotgun weddings, quick marriage or in the worst case, the woman was sent out of town to deliver the baby and possibly put the baby up for adoption in order to prevent stigma and ostracism. It was a different world back then. Fast forward to these modern times. It's a real game changer now. Women are strong. We have our own money, jobs and remain fiercely competitive to survive. It's not only a level playing field nowadays but often times women have their own advantages due to strides by leaps and bounds. This power reversal can be intimidating for some men to the point where the word "courtship" is very outdated and many women feel the same way. There are no pressures to get married nowadays. There's no urgency. There are no more fears of pregnancy nor unwanted pregnancies. Envisioning a barefoot and pregnant scenario is not as common as it was. Women no longer feel shackled with limited choices. Hence, courtship is archaic and outdated. As for dating, there are many definitions for that. It's the couple's decision regarding which direction it goes and how they navigate it. If there's serious disagreement, then they part ways. Personally, I'm relieved that courtship isn't de rigueur anymore. Dating according to agreement is more reasonable, realistic and fair. I believe in equality. Sure, chivalry is wonderful but it all boils down to being practical regarding relationships and long term survival no matter who you are.
  7. Words are pretty but his actions or non actions speak louder than words. Being his girl requires responsibility to back his words and he's not willing to give it to you. I'm sorry. He's remaining realistic while telling you what you want to hear which is confusing and there's a tinge of dishonesty infused in there as well.
  8. Happy Birthday and I'm sorry for your sadness. Even though you think he's the one who got away, you are the one who got away. He shouldn't be put on a pedestal because you're very special and very deserving to be with the type of man who will cherish you and treat you preciously. Chin up. It's a great big world out there and one of these days, your ex will become a mere blur. In the meantime, remain focused on your industrious endeavors and you will be noticed because you are independent and strong. Hang in there.
  9. He has his reasons whether it be economics, job, family, health or whatever because it runs the gamut. 🫢There are times when it's not all about you because he doesn't have brain space other than his personal and private priorities in his life. This applies to anyone. You can always ask him if you wish but be prepared for any type of explanation or abruptness. He ended it so it's over. You could be curious and ask him. However, he may very well give you the type of frosty response you will not want. Don't be surprised nor shocked in that case. You will be the one for someone. Have faith.
  10. Actually, the topic of marriage wasn't even up for discussion until we dated some more. We both didn't want to get married. Then the relationship blossomed as time marched on. Therefore, initially, it wasn't courtship. Thank you though, @Coily for the kind words because it was very appreciated. Courtship and dating has a different meaning throughout generations. Courtship is usually marriage minded and serious towards a legally committed future. Courtship is generally not prolonged. Dating has different definitions dependent upon whom you are going out with, hanging out with, chilling or whatever the preferred phrases are for individuals and couples. Dating can be exclusive or not. It really depends on what the individual and couples agree upon or in other times, there can be a disagreement which will either alter the arrangement or they'll eventually decide to go their separate ways.
  11. Hmm, I don't know about that. In a comparable context, it's akin to sales. For example, a salesman will wine and dine a potential client for a very possible, long term business contract. If successful, there could be a realistic, hefty commission out of it. As for wining and dining towards marriage, sure it could go in that direction but often times dining out whether take out meals or at more upscale restaurants, many times, it's out of enjoyment and trying various cuisines. I can't speak for everyone but my husband and I enjoyed dining out frequently while we were dating and engaged. Nowadays, we'll dine out but not as often as before because we enjoy the taste of homemade food. A lot of times wining and dining isn't always with an end goal in mind. It is enjoyable to be served and have someone else contend with dirty dishes and kitchen clean up. There is no menu planning, grocery shopping nor cooking either. No fuss, no muss. It's convenient.
  12. Wining and dining as in wooing in order to gain favoritism. It's a figure of speech.
  13. In the old days, courting was considered dating for a short period, usually asking the woman's father for her hand in marriage, setting the marriage date, getting married and often times, building a family life after that. Why are men less interested in taking on the traditional role of courting in modern times? Because these are modern times. Men are no longer sole providers for women. Women have more economic muscle nowadays. They're financially strong and independent. They don't have to get married. They don't need a man in order to survive. Men don't have to get married to provide for her. If a woman "gets into trouble" as they used to say, there's prevention for that (birth control) and often times, terminating the pregnancy. In these modern times, traditions and traditional roles no longer apply for many men and women anymore because there are more choices. Personally, I'm a mix of both only due to my own experience. My husband and I dated, he proposed in less than a year of dating and we were married the following year. We worked hard, saved our money diligently, bought the first of our several houses, we have two sons and went that route. Fortunately, economics are stable. In society, it's a different world now. There's more freedom of choice for women and hence, for men as well.
  14. He has reservations. Respect his feelings and choices. He doesn't want commitment because you're a mother. I'm sorry but it's complicated because you're a mother. Unfortunately, your being a mother scares a lot of men away. Remain realistic so there are no surprises. Don't expect commitment from men who don't want the same as you.
  15. I actually think it's better that he concentrates on his career and then he has brain space for dating and possibly a long term relationship or commitment. Until then, he's unstable and needs to get settled economically. As for you, move on. He's not ready to be dating material or anything beyond. Yes, he means it. Be with a man who is ready to date. Any other type is simply a waste of your time and energy.
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