AllGrownUp

I'm not an expert, but I can tell you as a survivor of rape myself, life goes on. We just have to be able to pick up the pieces one by one. You are not damaged goods, your a beautiful person & a survivor too. I hope that you find solace in knowing that even though things may be difficult right now dealing with all the things that you are going through, things do get better eventually. Be blessed

I recently had to make the decision on cutting off ties with a person whom I thought I shared some form of a friendship with. Long story short, he & I have known eachother for a couple of years. He seems to think it's been longer & was under the impression that we met in passing back in high school, I sincerely don't recall that. When we initally met, he was in a relationship, I was coming out of a very turbulent one. He expressed an interest in me, I felt flattered, he's a very handsome man, but I was always very respectful of his relationship & kept it platonic. We had a minor falling out not too long after he confided in me about his attraction to me. He invited me to have dinner at his house, (his girlfriend at the time lived in another state) I declined & told him I'd feel better if he met me out somewhere. He got upset with me that I didn't want to have dinner at his house, I mean I explained to him how wrong it seemed to me & how disrespectful it would seem to his girlfriend. He still didn't see my side of things. We'd still speak, I'd talk to him during the times when I was really stressed & going thru my turbulent breakup with my last ex. He lives in NC & at the time I was back in the MD area, so our contact was stricly via telephone. At times, he'd tell me how he wished he met me before his "then" girlfriend, which as I told him made me feel odd. It was always platonic, I even asked him if she knew about his female friends, he said she did...I still don't know. We lost contact with him, in part due to my distancing myself from him & then losing/replacing my old cell phone. I'd forgotten that he still has my email address. A couple of months ago, he sent an email to say hello. We corresponded back & forth. He let me know that things didn't work out in his relationship, so now he was single & I was single too. We began talking virtually everyday. However, I didn't confide to him that I was now living in the same state as him. I had my reasons, I would eventually. I've been focusing on school, trying to put some closure to somethings in my life, etc. He recently lost one of his brothers & his father had been ill. So, I tried to do what any friend would be there for a friend. I was attracted to him, but I told him that if things were meant, they'd happen over time, not over night. The phone calls increased, he'd want to stay on the phone for hours at a time, at first I didn't mind, because he was greiving. Things started to change when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I told him I didn't think I was ready, I have too much stuff I'm trying to deal with right now, mentally/emotionally I'm not ready & my level of patience with men is very short. Some days he'd call when I was in class & couldn't talk, (my phone would be on silent) it would go to voicemail. Someone (not him) will call my phone from a private/unavailable # & leave blank vm's & my friend would get upset b/c he couldn't leave a vm. I'd tell him that I always check my missed call log & call right back before I even check my vm's anyway. Well, things started getting more tense between he & I. I explained to him that when I'm in school, I can't talk & that I'd call him if I got time on a break or in the evenings when my minutes were free. Some days, he'd call 5 or 6 times, I quickly started to get annoyed by his behavior & told him how I felt quit abruptly. Of course, he didn't like it, but I'd rather him know how I felt than hold it in & have him wonder why I was distancing myself from him. Some days I just didn't feel like talking to him, so I'd cut the conversation short. He'd continue to call & call & send a couple of emails. On one occasion, I lost my phone & got a case of food poison, he acted overly assumptive in his voicemails that I checked from a landline phone, saying that he thought I was lying about losing my phone. I'd change my outgoing msg to reflect that I'd lost my phone from a land line phone. When I did finally speak to him, I went off. I told him I didn't appreciate him being overly ASSumptive & his neediness was wearing on me. He continued this bit of nonsense, by calling me over & over a couple of nights ago. Mind you, I hadn't told him I was living in the same state (I have my reasons). He showed me his true colors & thankfully I sat back & allowed him to do so. I saw all I needed to see that he & I could never be together. He was showing me things that he was needy, insecure & overly assumptive...things I clearly don't want from anyone that I get involved.

It's been said over & over, it's definitely incentuous & sexual abuse. Don't allow her to make you do anything, hopefully there is someone in your family that you can talk with to make it stop.

I would seriously appreciate if anyone knows of any proven techniques that work, because I have tried like mad with my mother whom has a challenge with understanding English. Current update, I've posted before. I was faced with being homeless, going thru the court system, dealing w/ past unresolved sexual abuse/rape issues, etc. The long & short of it is, that my mother can NOT communicate effectively. She can go from 0 to pissed the off in zero seconds flat. This has been the way it has always been with her, she chooses not to express her feelings anyother way, except for yelling, cussing & getting overly angered about things, versus talking them out. She will fly off the handle because she misconstrues what someone says, all the while you maybe trying to diffuse the situation, she's bursting a coronary & proceeding to cuss you up one side & down the other. I've talked to her many times about the way she communicates,which is highly inaffective, she doesn't care. So I don't talk to her anymore, because I choose not to argue. I may have a bad temper, but I do have a very rational side, in which I will discuss, NOT argue my points & anyone elses. Example: today, I'm sick, was in my bedroom doing some reading. Her husband came home over the weekend, the one I still have unresolved issues with. I can hear her bellowing at the top of her lungs, ranting & raving about whatever it is she's pissed off about. Awww, the fond memories this brings back...smh. The last time I tried to have a civillized discussion with her, she blew up at me while I was eating lunch. She started ranting & raving like a lunatic in such an uncivilized manner that I retorted back my reason as to why she didn't have any friends, this was clearly why. She then asked me what I meant by that, it just came out of my mouth because she just kept trying to push me by yelling at me. I told her that her longtime friend said she was a hothead & constantly blew up over the most insignificant things & that she was surprised that her & her husband were still married. She kept pushing me, she got it, I didn't bite my tongue any longer & she had it coming. At the end of the conversation, I basically told her that she was the one that pushed me to that point & that I was done trying to work thru any issues that we'd had. I have so many issues of my own to contend with that I don't have it in me to try to help her with hers, because she doesn't want to work on herself. She's very satisfied with her dysfunctional communication skills, not working to improve herself as far as her listening skills & her grasp of the english language. So ultimately she'll end up having to rely on someone because she doesn't want to help herself. I choose not to yell, cuss, rant, rave & act like an idiot to try to get my point accross, but that's her style. I have a feeling she IS going to end up being alone, because of the way she treats people. She's not a very happy person & tends to take her anger out on people, her misplaced aggression causes people to not want anything to do with her. ************************************************* Update Her husband has since taken up residence in their other house in Fl. I'm here living with my mother going to school fulltime & looking for part-time employment. I'm still going through dealing w/ the court case. Everyone keeps telling me things will get worse before they get better, they can't get any worse. I would never have thought I would be back here living in my mother's house, the girl that left home at an early age to get away from the madness that was known as my upbringing. This man, I'll continue to refer to as her husband refuses to acknowledge the ill stuff he's done to me. He's in denial & says that I'm lying. He has always tried to cause strife between my mother & I, for the most part he's won. When I was coming up, he excelled at that, because her & I never really spoke. In the midst of him travelling back & forth from FL back to NC. He comes back to pick up some mail, go to some of his doctors here, etc. Back when my mom went out of the country to visit my grandparents, I vowed to her that I'd help this man by taking him to his doctor's visits, running errands for him, etc. Mind you, I detest this man, but was only doing it for my mother. My mother was gone for 3 months & in that span of time, he took ill again. I took him to his doctor's visits, drove him around, etc. I delayed my last court date for him, because he was supposed to have surgery to the day before & my travel time from the hospital to MD, would be impossible. Needless to say, he got better the next day..*sigh* When he got better, he went back down to Fl to oversee some of the home renovations. He left a stack of mail to be sent out, he gave me strict rules to only mail it out when the mail person was on their way to pick up, he doesn't trust the people that live in the neighborhood. I can understand what he was referring to about this neighborhood, so I had to sit & wait for the mail person, because he feared that some of the people in the neighborhood might try to steal the mail. I ended up missing the mail person 2 days in a row & taking it to the post office on the 3rd day. Well, long story short, 1 of the bills that was in that stack was to a life insurance policy (that money would go to my mother). When her husband got back up here, he asked me about the mail & I told him what had happened. He then told me that he probably needed to check on somethings, because they were probably late getting paid. I explained to him he needed a better system with him going back & forth to Fl & the bills sitting for weeks at a time, that wasn't a very effecient way to handle things. He checked on the insurance policy & said he'd gotten a cancellation in the mail, so of course he blamed this on me. I've had life insurance & I know that they give you a grace period to get the bill paid. I still feel that he's making me out to be his scapegoat. This furthers my reasoning as to why I detest this man. I've had him heap more of his denial, lies, & lack of being any type of man/father in my eyes than I can stand. I long ago wished I could find my biological father & bond with him, to see how it truly is to have a man in your life that genuinely cares about you & isn't out to try to get in your pants. I know that my delluded views about men stem from my upbringing & past sexual abuse from my mother's husband & other male family members (all members of his family). Does anyone have any suggestions on how you can find a biological parent that probably doesn't even know you exist? I've met my biological mother & she was intentionally vague, cold, & inane. The only thing my biological mother did tell me was that my biological father didn't even know about me. Any suggestions on how to go about trying to track down a man that you have no idea where in this world he could be, what his name is, etc. would be greatly appreciated.

I don't know how many will remember me, but the advice that a couple of people gave me, wasn't the best advice for me. My mother stated that she would never have anything more to do with me upon my telling her that I wanted to return to MD & live in a shelter. Her husband has since taken up with the 16 y.o. boy I mentioned & is staying in their other home in FL. I'm not sure if he is having sex w/ the boy or not, but to my knowledge if he is, the boy seems to be drawn to him. My mother has said several times that she wonders if they have something going on between them, nothing would surprise me at all. I just thought I'd leave an update, since my last ventillation.

It's wednesday & I'm pissed. I've gotta find another way to bid my time while I await my next court date. I hate living like this & being here. I can't sleep like I normally would, when I do I have all types of crazy dreams. I've been keeping a journal, just another way to vent my frustration while being here. I feel like I might as well be in prison, b/c I'm living like it anyways. I HATE THIS MAN, I wish he was DEAD! & I hate it here. Don't ask me why, but I get elected to take this bastard to run his errands yesterday. I hate being in any close contact with him. My mother asked me to, just to appease her, I do it. I know before even taking him that he's going to piss me the HELL off at some point. I was right. We get to the 2nd destination point, I'm driving his junky truck, he proceeds to order me to pull all the way up to the front of the building. Just because his health is failing (Good, hurry up & die already) & he's too lazy to take a few more steps & be courteous to others that could be worse off than him. He tells me he'll be right back, he sees a person he knows & bellows my name, all the while...he always mispronounces my name, always has & has other idiotic people thinking my name is, as he says it "joan". I'm thinking "my DAMN name isn't joan". He proceds to go inside & I can feel my blood beginning to boil as onlookers coming in & out of the facility are looking at me like I'm rude for parking all the way in the front of the building, so I'm mad to be the bad person, because that lazy trifling bastard is so lazy. I even see an older lady come out with a walker, trying to make her way by as her ride is trying to get to the front. He is so GOD DAMNED insensitive to anyone but those who kiss his @ss. I had to call someone just to vent or my head was going to combust. I call a girlfriend back in MD, she understands & lets me vent until he walks back out. We then proceed to go on to this next destination. My issues with this bastard are many, but for starters I don't like to be ordered around, to have some idiot bellow my name like I'm a damn dog & lastly, I detest this sorry bastard. HATE him, wish him to be dead. He will have me doing the most laberous tasks, picking up heavy stuff, pulling weeds, etc. The old me, would probably complained in my head & then went on to do it. Not now, his slave labor days are over. He wanted me to go out & de-weed the entire yard, by hand. This isn't the day of the slave owner anymore, I told him he needed to get a weed whacker & some spray weed killer, it's what any logical person would use. He was like "well, when I was healthy that's how I did it, I told him, "I don't give a DAMN how you did it back then, common sense is you don't have to work hard to work smart." Just to furter prove my point of how much of a dumb bastard he is, the 4th destination we went to he had to pick up some syringes. He tells me to go stand in line for him, I do it, all the while wishing I'd never come back to this place. I wait & wait, & then get to the front of the line, the clerk behind the desk looks at me, I point at him & walk away. I go stand over in the corner away from this sorry bastard whom I despise. I proceed to call some friends to ease my mind, provide some laughter. I see him over there for a good 20 minutes when other people have come & gone. Finally, I see him coming away from the counter, he motions for me to meet him over on the other side. I get over there, he got into an argument with the clerk at the front & the clerk got so pissed off with the way this bastard was talking to him, he left his desk & went on break. Another clerk said he'd be with him to help him. He cursed the 1st clerk out, this is how he talks to me, my mother & several other people that don't kiss his @ss. Furthermore, he begins to berate me in front of his grandson, who is in his early 30's today. Telling me I'm stupid, I told him he was stupid & I was smarter than he would ever give me credit for. He was trying to tell me how to care for his dogs that he keeps chained up in the backyard, has never shown any affection towards those animals, never groomed them, they smell like something rotten. One runs thru his own feces & is hyper, knocks over his dog house, etc. He begins to tell me that dog had no water, nor any food. I rebut back that he knocks his water over, he knows this, but wants to start a pissing contest with me that he'll lose, because I won't take his shyt & hope he keels over from a heartattack, GOOD, that's what the spiteful bastard deserves. He can talk & treat others like that, but he won't treat me or my mother like that, EVER. To make matters worse, this sorry bastard & I got into an argument last week, because he wanted to take my car. I bought it from my mother, but as of now my mother is helping with the finances as due to my situation. He says he's taking my car to pick up this 16 year old boy he befriended. The boy used to live accross the street, him & his kiss @ss siblings would do different tasks for money, not always doing a thorough job though. He tells me he's taking it, he doesn't ask me, like a respectful person would. So I talk it over with my mother, she was dead set against it, but then she bucked down & let him take it. Mind you it's about 1600 miles to Texas & then back, so not only will I have to worry about all the wear & tear on my car, but then also the maintenance when my car is returned to me, not to mention being inconvenienced with out a car. I HATE THIS BASTARD & WANT HIM TO DROP DEAD! I'm thinking on going back to MD to stay in shelter or something. I don't have any other family aside from my mom. My mom's family is out of the country & I don't count of that bastard's family as anything more than just people whom I know thru him. If anyone has any suggestions on a good therapy group for sexual abuse victims in hickville fayetteville, nc, please let me know. I feel myself slipping back into that dark place. I'm pissed off everyday now, I don't know when the last time I smiled. It's in my face, my spirit, I'm not one to mask my emotions. I don't sugarcoat shyt, if I feel something. My days of carrying around those bottled emotions are done.

I recall Teri Hatcher speaking about this & Gabrielle Union. More folks are opening up now & talking about this type of abuse that sadly, but commonly takes place. I know I would end his life if he ever did that to another person. Rest assured I will do everything I can to ensure he will never do what he's done to me to anyone else. I'm checking on state laws & getting all my facts together. Thanks again for responding.

I'm back here living based on the outcome of my last turbulant relationship & the odds that it left me in. Longer story short, when my last relationship became very turbulent, I had my ex served with an ex parteu & an order to vacate. In retaliation, he filed false charges against me. I moved a few times & the court summons I was supposed to receive to notify me to appear in court, didn't reach me. I ended up with a warrant for my arrest & found out thru my new job when they were doing the background check. Of course, I had already left my old job for my new job, so I was stuck. They basically asked me to clear things up & they would bring me back on board. I was left without income coming in & didn't want to burden people that I thought were my friends to help me. I actually was homeless for a short period. I'm not trying to paint a sob story...everything happens for a reason...I believe. So, that brings me to where I am currently living here. I'm awaiting my next court date to try to get all of these cleared up. Coming here, I felt like I was going to have a nervous break down, I had to talk myself thru the drive down here. I truly thought I had moved past this chapter of my life, but I am not. It's not something I think I can get over easily, & I feel I would have to share it with anyone I get serious with, because I will never be able bear a child. Granted, it's not the end of the world because adoption is always an option too. I am going thru trying to find out all of the information for the state of N.C. regarding the statute of limations & I will seek out therapy...I definitely need it. I've even recommended to my mother that we would attend therapy together to heal. He is in denial, at one point we had a vicous argument, in which he threatened to bash my head in with a glass. I told him it would be the last time he ever struck me if he choose that move. There is a LOT of violence, anger & rage in the place that I've come from. I'm surprised that I'm as semi-well-balanced as I am...& I'm not a serial killer or something like that.

I've tried to find useful ways to vent my hostility & aggression, especially lately, I've taken up going to gym to hit the punching bag all the while imagining it's him I'm beating up on. I know it's probably not healthy that at times I wish him harm for all he's done, but I'd be lying if I said anything different. I've found I've had so much rage in the past due to all of this & it is unhealthy to me, virtually toxic. I truly don't want to be the way I once was, I literally felt like I'd black out from the rage & lose all control. I'm not proud of it, but I've needed to get it out. I know I'm not a wall flower of a woman & could cause someone great harm...so my being able to vent her does offer abit of relief. I will have to seek other viable means for an outlet of my angst & a serious counseling group or therapist now that I'm back here in this place in N.C. Thanks for your response.

Don't stand for their telling you NO. They are NOT doing their jobs. Go back again, with your friends that witnessed this last incident. Make them listen & understand that you need this man taken out of YOUR residence. Sorry for being so vehement about my point, but I've been there...make them listen.

I replied before without reading further down. I can tell you from coming out of a situation similar to yours sans the kids. You can go to the court house & file for an order to vacate. I hope you filed or called the police to make record of the incident when he tried to hit you, but either way go file for the order to vacate. They will serve him within 24 hours once the judge grants it, the police come to the residence, tell him to gather whatever belongings he can & escort him out. He will be told that he can not re-enter the property & will be informed of a further court date to follow up on any additional orders to be executed. Trust me, it works...make it work for you.

I'm in my hole trying to burrow my way out, but I can tell from my coming out of my last relationship that has uncanny similarities to yours. It doesn't get better, get out now. Go & stay with a friend or relative, do what you have to. Staying for financial reasons when it comes down to putting you or your children's lives in danger is NOT worth it. I know it's rough, because you have kids, but those friends that jumped to your rescue...see if you can stay with one them until you can get on your feet. I came out of a very turbulent relationship that I stayed in 1 year & 2 months too long. At a point when I ended things, I moved into another bedroom & maintained my distance. Things progressively got worse, to the point where I was living behind a locked door in my own residence. I had to call the cops several times & the last time the cop told me to file for an ex parteua & an order to vacate to get him out of the household. Once abuse occurs, it doesn't get better...put you & your kids first, be strong & do what you have to do. I hope this helps.

I'm going to try really hard to let go, I thought I had, but that was from my not being around him on a daily basis. Also, after having a few years of estrangement from my mother. I cut all ties, even during the holidays, I would rarely visit. I'm working towards letting go, it's easier said than done. It's harder than anything I've been through because I'm in constant contact with this person. I don't want to be that angry, vegenceful person I once was & have felt myself on the verge of being back in that dark place. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

My biggest fear is that I am probably not the only victim that has fallen prey to this man. I'm trying to research to find out what the statute of limitations is in NC, I know that it would be a fight, but I feel my mother would back me as proof. It is a positive thing that me & my mother are finally trying to work through things, 17 years have passed already. I'm thankfully she no longer drinks & we can sit down & have a half way rational conversation. We have a long way to go to work through our issues.

Yes, I have told my mother everything regarding him. Although, I want to spare her the details of his brothers attempts to have sex with me. I've been told that there isn't a statute of limatations in NC, but I need to futher research that to find out how true that is. I truly do know I need to go back into counseling now. I've had years of emotional problems due to all of this, not being able to sustain a true sense of trust towards men, rage would sometimes overtake me, & I'd do horrible things. I truly don't want to be that person I once was, all of this takes me so far outside of myself. Thanks for your response