Puch

As I put in my previous post, my husband of 10 years has always been a liar, gaslighter and bullying me for his addiction of mdma. Last time this happened was 3 weeks ago and life has been just pure hell since then. He won't come to therapist or talk to anyone else and threatening me that he will ruin my life if I spoke to anyone. In the house, I don't want to look at his face. I'm getting the feelings that I just want to run away someplace so I can avoid seeing him. This has impacted me in worse ways mentally and focus on my work is just gone. He on the other hand, is enjoying life as I'm not speaking. He is giving me attitude and whenever i try to speak about the toxicity in the house, he blocks me off by listening to loud music and screaming at me. Because he knows I won't speak to anyone is why is gaslighting me and bullying me. When I say this toxic env is impacting me, he says it's your problem. You can start talking and being normal to me. You don't have the mental strength for situations. I just want to get away from this person and cut all my ties.

After giving all these years of my life, all my emotions, I deserve a happy marriage. All that I have endured and all that I have been through, I deserve more respect. Am I just scared of accepting defeat that I made a wrong choice and don't want to look stupid in front of whole world ?

I feel if I open up to a friend or family, it will be the end of whole thing. I will never be able to see myself in mirror and continue to stay in this marriage. Maybe I have some hope that it will get better is why I want to push forward or I'm just scared to be by myself. Trust me, there's no reason why I cant be alone. I have the means to make a life of my own. Why am I then suffering like this.

Thanks for listening and sending your words. I booked an appointment with therapist for tomorrow. Last night things got very ugly, I had a very bad anxiety attack, was not able to control my crying, felt pain in my chest and ribs and was just having issues in breathing. I felt scared and so alone. I am independent, have good friends and family, but I don't know how I got stuck like this. I tell others that they should never take abuse and feeling embarrassed to be suffering like this myself. I can't just go away. Unfortunately even if I want its not the time. I have just tried to keep everything in back of my mind and trying to be as normal as possible in the house. I am tired of trying to have logical conversation and getting pushed down, screamed at, and talked to in abusive manner. I just want peace for now. I think i will just cry a lot at the therapist. But will see what happens.

No, we don't have kids.

Hi All, I'm tired being alone stuck in this situation, taking abuse and not able to do anything. Atleast just want to speak out here. We have been married for almost 10 years and since the start there were issues about my husband's lying about recreational drug use. I was naive to understand that after everytime I caught him lying, something will change next time. Sometimes he is atleast little apologetic but last year he was like a full time addict, abusing ecstasy almost every day. He had no remorse for his actions and told me to leave if I can't take it. It took me an entire year to gather courage and I finally made the decision to leave him. But he convinced me to stay with what felt genuine regret at the time. I have given so much to this relationship and I again believed him. It was short-lived few good months. Before he was back to taking drugs here n there behind my back. I knew he won't go 100% clean and this year he has done very few times. I have always been clear to him that just don't lie to me and I don't want to be around you if you are high. This year if I was not home and he did, I would just ignore for my peace of mind. But it has happened a few times where he again lied to me while I know very well he was high, gaslighting me by trying to make me feel like I have lost my mind and imagining things. I lose my sanity when he lies to my face and makes me look like a fool. 2 weeks ago it again happened and I am just not able to move past. It's horrible timing as we are in middle of something important. He was apologetic but what's the point if it will happen again. I feel regret having trusted him in Dec. No words out of his mouth seem to have any truth. I never had much trust on him, but last 2 weeks have shaken me up. And especially his response of gas lighting, verbally abusing me. He doesn't want anyone else to know about his drugs issue and threatens me if I speak to anyone that he will ruin my life. I have spent thousands at the therapist but he doesn't want to go there. And this time it has just crossed more boundaries with his verbal abuse and turning into physical abuse. I'm in shock and just so regretting not going ahead with my decision of leaving. Here to just vent out. I really needed to speak out.