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Lex00

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  1. Thank you to all who have responded. Sorry I’m advance if this is all over the place as I have read the replies and trying to respond during a break. I wanted to address the suggestion that I was triggered from a time my boyfriend went fishing in 2019. This is a bit of a stretch as I haven’t even given that a thought and we have progressed significantly in 4 years. Since then, we have met each others kids, families, involve each other in family events, vacations with our kids, and I recall back then, a big problem was I rarely heard from him when we didn’t see each other. So if I didn’t call or text him, there would essentially be no contact for a few days. That doesn’t happen anymore. While not hearing or seeing him much back then was an issue, we are way past that now, spend plenty of time together and if apart, I no longer have any unhealthy thoughts about him leaving me, or me needing his constant attention. This party just had certain elements to it that made me uneasy which I will get to. And I can tell you all that where this is all coming from, is that despite meeting his kids and his friends, his other family members closest to him, he did not introduce me to them for a few years. This is what made me think he was trying to keep me a secret but then I wondered if he was, why did he bring me around his kids and friends? So when I finally told him how I felt, I told him I wasn’t happy that he kept me away from them and he compartmentalized. His response was “I have been compartmentalizing since my divorce.” I let all my feelings out and a week later, he introduced me to everyone. Ever since, I’m involved in plenty of family events and he’s involved in mine. Our relationship has been great and absolutely nothing like it was 4-5 years ago. But given how long I had been wondering if he was “hiding” me, certain things that happened at this particular party just didn’t sit well with me. The moment I first walked in the house, the host, father of the kids whose birthday was being celebrated, was standing behind the counter just having some appetizers. My boyfriend introduced me to him. He looked at me with a confused and blank look and asked, “what? Oh, what’s your name?… Oh… nice to meet you.” It’s like he didn’t know I was coming or even knew I had existed up until that point which immediately made me feel unwelcome. Later when the wife came down, she was welcoming and introduced herself, then finally the ex GF. Like I had mentioned, there were only two other couples left at the party when I had arrived. Add in what I mentioned previously about the ex pretty much ending up everywhere my boyfriend was. Her husband was more quiet too and taking care of their daughters. The host (mom) was tending to the party and her kids and would chat with us. I chatted with her, my boyfriend, the ex GF and sometimes her husband would come by to say a few things. The dad (host), who was confused about me basically never said a word to me after that and I only saw him when he would pass by and talk to my boyfriend. Then of course later on, my daughter even mentioning how she thought my BF was “that girl” were being rude and talking to much and “ignoring me”. I just think these had a lot to do with me not handling it well in my head. And although my boyfriend didn’t end up going to the party again a couple of nights ago, the fact he didn’t mention it was likely what triggered the whole thought of keeping me separate. Since that was an issue I had a problem with in the past. I do really appreciate all the time you took to help me look at things a different way, how to address it with him, with myself, etc. Thank you all so much.
  2. That’s a very good point. I am involved with plenty of things for the most part. Family events, his son’s football games, just last weekend we met up with his friends and family out here, etc. But yes, this friend group, I’m not really involved in. I think it’s because the invitation was extended to him and his kids and he didn’t want to just overstep and invite me. After all, it wasn’t his idea to invite me in the first place last time. He said he mentioned to them that he was coming to see me, and that is when they said “tell her to just come here and bring the kids.”
  3. Hi everyone- Just thought I would give a quick update since my last post a couple of months back. I mentioned in the last paragraph above that my boyfriend mentioned another party in November, which in a sense almost sounded like he was alluding to us going again, since I mentioned my kids enjoyed playing with the other kids. Well, I was just on the phone with him and he was just talking about his daughter in her tweens asking if she “had to go to the party tomorrow.” I asked him “oh, whose birthday is it?” And he mentioned it was another one of their kids- the one I mentioned above. Now, since my boyfriend and I live close to 60 miles apart, this last party, it was originally planned that he would come over afterwards as I only live about 8 miles from his friends who threw it. That’s when he just invited us over. I thought it was a bit odd that he never mentioned this party tomorrow or stopping by afterwards. Usually when he’s gone there, which is a couple times a year or so, he’ll say he wants to stop by. No mention of it this time. And he even set it up by saying “yeah, I’m not even sure if we’ll go because (son) has his football game and we might be too tired because we would have to drive immediately afterwards.” This discomfort isn’t really that I wasn’t invited. Like I said, I don’t know the group and just met them one time. I do t think I would even want to go again either because I just felt so out of place and uncomfortable not knowing anyone and with how much he and his ex were conversing. I also have such a bad feeling again knowing they will be around each other again and how they might be towards each other once the drinks start flowing. She will definitely be there. Boyfriend said that group is close and those attended last time are always invited. I also remember her being excited at the last party about seeing them again for the next one. I don’t know how to feel about this one. Like I said, I wouldn’t feel right being there, yet I’m uncomfortable or just overthinking it wasn’t mentioned, or my boyfriend even offering to stop by. Also that the ex will be there again and who knows how it will be between the two of them. Obviously her husband being there last time didn’t deter her from essentially following my boyfriend everywhere he went.
  4. Hi everyone- My boyfriend ended up calling me last night, after he and his kids left my home. There was nothing out of the ordinary in our conversation and we were talking about the usual things, or plans for tonight, etc. We talked briefly about the party and I decided against telling him exactly how I felt as I did not want to come across as accusatory, especially when it was likely unintentional on his part. Like I mentioned, he handled it poorly though. What I did tell him was that I felt a bit awkward going in there as an outsider essentially and not having much in common to discuss with the group. As other posters have asked, my the time we arrived, most guests had already left. The only adults who were there was the couple who threw the party for their son, the grandpa, the ex and her husband, and me and my BF. I tried to talk to the hosts but of course, they were busy and even the dad went in a run to the store. Yes, it seemed like all were a bit tipsy to some degree, including my BF. When I mentioned I felt uncomfortable, he told me he was still happy I came by with my kids. He also said that he mentioned to the group that his original plans were to stay at the party just for a couple of hours because he and his kids had plans to come to my house. He said that’s when the group suggested he invite me. His response to them was that he was sensitive to me being thrown into a party as a very first meeting and wanted to get together with them in a more intimate setting. And their response was, “we never get to see each other and get together only once a year or so, so the way this is going, we’re never going to be able to meet her!” So apparently it wasn’t even his idea to invite me. It was when I called him to get an update on when they expect to be at my house as I was planning to order dinner for everyone. That is when he said, “why don’t you all come here? There are lots of kids, just come join us if you feel ok with it. Let me know!” He told me to think about it. I guess he knew just asking me to meet a group for the first time in that setting might me overwhelming. He sent me the address and my kids were excited to meet other kids and see his kids, so we went. Ive just been in my head about it but trying to be rational. I guess given the small number of adults there, there weren’t many options so to speak, so they all just had each other and all had something in common. Apparently my BF went back even further with the host of the party- the dad as they had known each other since elementary school. I also want to mention that during our conversation I wrote about above, I did thank him and told him my kids loved playing with the others. They did, and were bummed when we were leaving. My BF said he was glad to hear that and also told me that he was included in a group text, sent by the mom who threw the party and said they plan to get together sooner and have a party for another kid in Nov. Not sure if he randomly mentioned that in passing or if it meant that perhaps he may invite us again to that next one. If that’s the case, I may tell him I’d like him to not close me off when having conversations, but that’s if we’re invited again. We will see.
  5. I did feel a little uncomfortable when he was talking to the men because that’s because I didn’t know any of them and was also left out for the most part. But it was just how much he spoke to her that was making me feel the way I did. It felt like there was a bit of a balance when he was talking to one guy, then another, or a group of guys. But it appeared he and the girl had longer conversations and often.
  6. No, I knew he would. Sorry I guess I have problems wording things correctly sometimes. We have a great relationship aside from this incident that made me feel the way I do. He’s good to me but maybe the way he handled last night was exactly ideal.
  7. That’s a good point to bring up. I was invited to his son’s football game and his ex wife was there of course, to watch their son. Her husband was there too, similar to last night’s set up. My boyfriend and the ex wife barely spoke during the whole game. She sat in the seats in front of us with her husband. By no means do they have a bad relationship, they actually do-parent very well. Last night on the other hand was different. Ex girlfriend was pretty much everywhere he was. And they talked A LOT. It seemed like everywhere he was, she was there either standing with others, I would be there sometimes too, or them just having a one on one. Not appropriate of course but it just seemed like a lot to me.
  8. Thank you so much. I’m starting to see it fro. That perspective now. I am not sure if they dated way back in high school. I know they all knew each other then, could have been dating after high school though or early 20s? Just a guess. Nonetheless, I know I should allow it to affect me the way it did. My insecurities got the best of me and I think it felt bad knowing they were spending a lot of one on one time together, granted I was there too, and the husband a lot of the time. I also didn’t like when my boyfriend had his side/back towards me basically shutting me out. I see now that he just had to, given someone sitting on the other side was talking to him. So likely unintentional but I wish he could’ve put in a little more effort to make me not feel so invisible.
  9. I don’t fear it, but it did make me feel uncomfortable and left out when they were essentially conversing one on one with my BF’s back pretty much towards me. I felt insecure at the attention they were giving each other. As far as I know, it’s only once a year, when the mutual friends throw a birthday for their son. They did it last year too, and from what I gather, they skipped two years prior due to the lockdown.
  10. I actually did try to chime in several times, and it would flow well until the subject steered to the past, when the guys had an apartment together, funny things that occurred, etc. and I would laugh, just try to partake. Also they started talking about the recent disasters but that was clearly them two standing across from each other having a 1 on 1 while I was standing there too, just listening and feeling like an idiot because usually others would glance at those around you to make you feel included. I didn’t get that. Same with later when we were all on the couch and my boyfriend pretty much was turned towards her with his side/back towards me.
  11. We have a great relationship otherwise. Just celebrated our 5 years. Our families are intermeshed, he’s really never given me a reason in the past to feel like he would be unfaithful. Just last night rubbed me the wrong way. I tried to make excuses in my head, that perhaps he felt like he needed to keep talking to her since she was asking a lot of questions and telling him a bunch of updates about life in general. And he had to listen. And maybe thought since I was right next to him, that he was “present”. I don’t know. They did include me a few times but for the most part it was them two. And other times it was with his guy friends. I think it just stood out more because she is a woman and his ex, so I was more aware. Her husband seemed pretty unfazed though.
  12. It’s been a while since I’ve visited this forum… I was hoping that sleeping on it would make me realize I’m being unhealthy or ridiculous but honestly, I’m still having a tough time so I wanted to get some thoughts on this situation. I am older so I feel silly entertaining these thoughts. I’m 46, BF is 40. We’ve been together 5 years, both previously married with two kids each close to the same age. Boyfriend had these friends way back from high school who invited him to their kid’s 10th birthday last night. He’s kept in contact with them but doesn’t really see them often so he was going to attend with his kids then stop by my place afterwards since I don’t live too far from them. They didn’t get there until a bit later than anticipated so he called me and invited me and my kids over. Now it was a bit odd because I had never met them nor did I think they ever knew about me (unsure about that though). My kids and I ended up going and it was just awkward from the get go. Apparently he told the wife (mom of the kid having a birthday), that his girlfriend and kids were coming, so when we arrived, everyone was welcoming. He introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend, introduced my kids, etc. Fast forward to close to 20 mins or so after we arrived. Mind you, my BF was standing by the counter talking to his friends and I stood there but wasn’t included in the conversation so I excused myself to sit with my kids. He called my name, I turned around and there was a girl he introduced me to and I stood up, she was very nice and gave me a hug. I remembered the name from when he mentioned one of his exes in passing. It was her. I don’t think he knew that I remembered. She was there with her husband and two kids (9 and 7 year olds). All night she was talking to him. Apparently they all went to high school together, including her now husband. I started feeling uncomfortable because it seemed everywhere he was, she was there. There was a point before we left, that we were all on the couch- me, my BF, her and her husband. Husband at the end, then her, and my boyfriend and me at the end. They were facing each other just talking. No flirting but my insecurities were letting me feel uncomfortable. They were just talking about what was going on with his family, kids, school life, etc. All while I was sitting there for 30-45 minutes not being acknowledged because they were so busy catching up. They maybe included me in a couple of subjects but it was short lived. Even my daughter was there and brought it up to me this morning that it was “rude”. I get they were just catching up and this relationship was at least 13 years ago- I’m guessing 13 years minimum because of her kids’ ages and his. BFs oldest is 13. He married the mom (his ex wife) back in 2010 so she was sometime before that. I just didn’t like how they seemed like they couldn’t part. The guys would stand in a group and she would be there next to my BF. We sat on the couch and she sat by my BF, between him and her husband. And they just talked. Like I said, I was right next to him and heard the full conversation and it was completely innocent. Prior to that, he did call me up to the counter a few times to have a drink with the group. I would stand there and try to converse with everyone but most of the time, the group’s conversation would steer to them talking about the past, high school, etc. something I wasn’t a part of. So he did try to get me involved a few times but I would say the majority of the time, I was left out. He and his kids ended up coming home with us after the party. I knew he was drinking and I drove us all to my place and he acted like there was nothing wrong and actually back to his more affectionate self when we were starting to head to bed. He showed some affection at the party, arm around my waist, held my hand a couple of times, etc. I don’t expect it thought because we were at a party. I just wanted to reiterate he wasn’t ignoring me completely. The other girl was also quite affectionate with her husband when she wasn’t talking to my boyfriend. I guess I just need reassurance that I’m reading too much into it and perhaps me not knowing anyone there being the outsider heightened my anxiety and insecurities. I’m too old to be having this mentality. Would you all feel a bit neglected too if this happened?
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