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aporia14

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  1. I was in a long distance relationship up until a week ago--it has only been long distance for the past year. We have grown quite a bit together. Am I selfish for loving this man but, not wanting to put my life on hold for another 4 years? Anyway, the day after I broke-up with my ex I went out with an old friend(who is 15yrs older) and it turned out to be a date, and a very amazing one! I see a lot of potential with this new person. I find my time with him so comfortable and there is a mutual respect and appreciation there. He makes me feel wonderful. But, my ex doesn't want to let go, and I get really sad when he calls. I would often feel as though my Ex took me for granted in our relationship. My break-up was a wake-up call for him but, then I know if I got back with him a few months down the line he will revert back to who he is--selfish person. I want to give myself sometime to get over this past relationship just so, I am not entering a new one for the wrong reasons. But, could I be making a mistake? Am I a horrible person for this? My ex does not know I am seeing someone else but, the other guy is aware of the situation.
  2. You poor thing! It seems to me as though you are still grieving, which is perfectly normal given the loss you've endured. It is always hard to lose a loved one. But, I am a little worried about you and this guy. It may be that something is there but, please proceed with caution because you are still hurting and vulnerable. You don't want to start this relationship for the wrong reason. It would help for you to get out and try doing things that make you happy and make you feel good about yourself. For me, I devote some time to my relatives doing things that they would like or enjoy. I also participated in fundraisers. When you go out you will make friends and it won't be so bad. If you feel comfortable try to surround yourself with friends and things to do. Sometimes it is hard because you may not want to intrude on your friends but, it does help. I am in a relationship that has been through a lot of ups and downs and during these down times I remember feeling the way you just described. So, I do know the feeling. But, you have to be strong. Even though that is easier said than done, you have to fight the feeling. Take your time for yourself and work on getting YOU better. Cry when you need to--it is a good thing, it's part of healing. Sometimes it might feel like the end of the world but, if you feel that way then, I'd like to encourage you to perhaps seek a therapist, just someone to talk to. It is always nice to know that someone is there to share these feelings with and you can ask them insightful questions like "why do you feel the way you do...". Therapy is very helpful. I see a therapist regularly. You don't have to go through this alone. All of us are here for you too.... Everything will be fine. (BIG HUGG)
  3. I graduated two years ago and I contacted a former college professor of mine for a recommendation to graduate school and we started emailing. He suggested that we meet for lunch/dinner. We've planned on meeting for the past 3-4 months but, never happened the last time he was here. He lives far away but, visits the NYC area occasionally as he does have family and friends here. He divorced his wife about 2 years ago. I did not think much of it but, there are suddle things (aside from my gut instinct) that make me feel as though there is a little more to it. First, he always emphasizes how truly interested he is in meeting. Second, he suggested that we can even go someplace out of the city to meet. He strikes me as a romantic individual but, would you prefer to be "closer to the water on a nice sunny day" with a former student? or maybe he looks to me as a friend? Third, we have very interesting conversations and it seems as though we enjoy each others company.--this is based on our conversations, which are completely platonic. Fourth, he called me on my cell around 9:30pm after, he had already sent an email earlier that day and I had already left a message acknowledging his email (this was all in relation to us meeting/planning our visit). Fifth, he leaves a v-mail on my cell the next evening to reconfirm. Sixth(next morning), he calls, we chat, all after he already sent an email. Now, does this sound as if its a date? or, am I just thinking to omuch into it?
  4. You have absolutely every right to be uncomfortable. This situation could go two ways. One, you ask him to choose but, this is if you cannot accept this situation the way it is. Be cautious because he might not appreciate you putting him in that position, and just to be spiteful he might just choose his friendship with her. Or Two, be a friend. Feel him out. Talk to him and try to get a sense of where he is with her. It is posible that he would not allow himself to be involved with her again for obvious reasons but, this also depends on his level of maturity and self-control. Then, judge from there.....you will have to ask yourself whether you can live with their friendship and trust what he says or not. If not then leave because you don't deserve to be second best. Whatever you do always be true to how YOU will feel. If you can't live with it then, respect those feelings you have and get out while you still can.
  5. I am sure that one of my friends has got a mental illness. She is impulsive and she exhibits such narcisstic behaviors that she is not even aware of. She has a boyfriend that seems to have spun himself into her web of misery and she wants me to be the mediator and "counsel"....but, she isn't clear on what her objective is. I think she rellishes in the fact that she has control over him but, she exhibits it as if she is the victim--by constantly screaming "look what HE did to me." I think she doesn't care to be with him but, she would care if she were not with him. Here is the gist of their story--He was engaged then, he decided to do some soul-searching and found my friend. So, for the past 9 months, he has been torn between the two women and my friend got herself involved in this relationship knowing fully well what this man's situation was. Within this time it seems as though she cannot accept the fact that he may still have feelings for his ex-fiancee. So, everytime he makes an attempt to work things out with my friend she does destructive things, such as; not answering his calls, cheating, going out partying and leaving him to wonder about her whereabouts, etc. These things she does pushes him to reconsider his ex. So, they go back and forth. Although, I do believe that if she found someone new she would be over him in a second. I have done well at keeping this friend of mine at a distance for the entire 10 years I have known her but the truth is she respects and admires me a lot, and she is looking to me for guidance right now. However, I feel that I would be at a loss advising her because she is NOT committed nor consistent and I am not even sure she has a desire to be. I have done well by telling her that I don't like criticizing ppl or advising them unless my opinion is requested. And since she asked, I basically told her that i think she is not aware of who she is, which she agreed before going off on a tangent. I was attempting to show her that she needs to seek help (psychiatric). Although, I am nervous that it would be a wasted effort since I do NOT think she recognizes the issues she needs to work on OR even the fact that she needs help of this kind OR that she would know what to do with it when she got it. I truly want to tell the guy that he would be better off without her but, that would be putting my mouth where it doesn't belong. But, I honestly feel sorry for this guy. Should I tell him and endure whatever comes of it (whether he tells her I said it or not)? Also, should I continue to encourage her to seek therapy or should I just wait until she is ready to ask for it?
  6. Ta_ree_Saw I appreciate your opinion but, in my past experiences with my bf he has not appreciated my honesty. I never cheated on him before but, he always got jealous and blamed me if another guy was attracted to me. We broke-up in college because of this. I was focused on school and he thought I was cheating. I was honest with him when I was studying with another guy or just in communication with another guy over anything. I realized he was insecure so I reported to him any contact I had with any guy but, it didn't help he didn't see my honesty for what it was. And I felt he didn't know me so, we ended it. We got back 2 years later when we felt that we both were more mature. I was also honest with him about the other guys I dated during our 2year break-up and to this day he is still upset about it and he thinks I cheated on him. Despite the fact that he dated many other girls during this time, he was also very devasted(couldn't sleep, eat, concentrate,etc.) because he didn't think I could ever be with anyone other than him. He has learned to live with it but, not accept it for what it was--my personal growth. He doesn't like me having male friends. I am accepting of his friendship with girls despite the fact that he has cheated in the past. But, I got back with him because he really has matured since our last experience. I still don't know if he would cheat but, I still put faith and trust in him. If I told him the truth he would try to make my life a living hell and he would be tremendously hurt. I can't do that to either one of us.
  7. My boyfriend is in India studying for another 4 years. He has already been there for one year. I did not realize the distance was going to bother me as much as it is now. I visited him twice since he left and I talk to him everyday but, I still feel extremely lonely and I miss him. Because of my lonliness I end-up calling my bf all the time and we both get frustrated because there isn't much to talk about plus he feels that I am not giving him any space and I am acting as though I don't trust him(he thinks this because the only question I can think of is "what're you doing and with who"). Also, I am not sure if he would cheat if he were given a chance. I am in my mid-20s and my bf and I have been together for almost 9 years. I do love him terribly and our families are close. My family loves him. I just met a guy that is aware of my situation and is still ok with seeing me. Now, I am finding flaws in my relationship with my bf. Things that I compromised I am able to explore with this guy. He is much more mature and we connect both physically and mentally. For instance, he enjoys touching me, he respects me, he appreciates our mental connection....but, most of all, he's fulfilling all of my desires. My bf is a very selfish lover it is all about his needs sometimes and this new guy is not like that...he wants equality in a relationship. Part of me thinks I should end things with my bf, but the other part thinks that I should just ride out the affair for a little bit and allow myself to grow with it(mentally and sexually). I am not sure if I want to leave my bf. I would want to leave him because it is wrong to cheat on him and I can't do the distance but, I don't know if I can tell my heart to leave. Otherwise, if I stay in this faithful long-distance relationship then, I fear I will become a bitter miserable and broke woman-- all my money is being spent on trips to see him, phone calls, and all my vacation time is spent on him, which wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't such a home-body when I am there.
  8. I just listed a bunch of things that warrants a break-up. But, I can list man more things he does do to deserve me staying with him. First, He ALWAYS answers the phone when I call. Second, he ACKNOWLEDGES the things he has done wrong in the past and tries to do things differently. Third, he has gotten more PRO-Active. He recognizes when he's done something wrong (i.e.,snapped at me, respectfully explains his reasoning,...) Fourth, He is more open about his feelings and thoughts. Fifth, he increasingly tries to be forth-coming. Six, He is consistant. What he says he does. Seven, He is more sensitive to my feelings and thoughts and allows me to express it.
  9. He and I were "on and off" for many reasons: First, in high school he was immature. He would do silly things tease another girl who he knew liked him. He would basically cheat. I let it go after a while because I figured he was being a typical teenage boy. Second, I let the relationship go in college because I felt as though he wasn't appreciating me enough and he was taking my loyalty for granted. He wanted more attention than I could give him at the time. Third, I chose to take a job in NYC instead of moving to TO as I had promised. So, we decided to take some time-off of the relationship and re-evaluate our futures. He decided to start seeing someone new and also, wanted to continue seeing me. He broke-up with that older woman to be back with me. Then, 6months later his parents suggested he change careers and go to India to study. He asked my opinion, and I thought it was a fantastic idea. I envied him. He has matured since the last experience. But, he is still a selfish lover. He also doesn't see the need in expressing his feelings all the time, which is something I enjoy. Also, sometimes I get the feeling that I am not as important as I should be.
  10. We've been on and off for 8.5 years. From high school to mid-20s. Of these 8.5 years we've spent 3 years in the same location, 4 years 2.5 hours away (me in rochester he in Toronto) and the past year I've been living in NYC and he is in Mumbai, India. He will be studying there for 4 more years. I've visited him twice since he's been in India. I did not object to him going to India because I was excited for him. I will be starting law school soon so, I will be busy for the next 3-5 years on my career. We both agree that we want to get married but, not right now. Lately, there has not been much to talk about and i've been getting frustrated. We do call each other everyday--I call more than he does. Part of me thinks that is the problem. I just find myself getting lonely, and frustrated so I try to reach out to him and there isn't much he can do. I live alone, I work full-time, I do have my family around but, this city just isn't conducive to meeting new friends (as in JUST friends). I've also been seriously considering seeing other people but, I'm not sure I can do it without being seriously heartbroken. I thought about an "Open relationship" but, we would both be upset if the other dated someone else. Should I end things before I become a bitter, miserable, and lonely woman?
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