Noelle94

J, Its been exactly a month today when I told you I didn’t want to be with you anymore. You didn’t even get mad when I told you I had romantic feelings for someone else (although never physical). You didn’t blame me. You knew how you treated me had driven me to this new guy and you were kind and understanding. That’s the hardest part. I think about you from time to time and I just wanted to say I hope you’re doing well. I hope your new job is everything you hoped it would be and I hope you’re seeing lots of new places and making new friends. I’m hopeful for a lot of things. I gained back the depression weight I lost when things got really bad between us. Im a healthy weight again. I’m with him now. I also wanted to thank you for showing me all the ways I was wrong to you and we were wrong to each other and for each other. I had so much self reflection to work on and I’m trying to be a better girlfriend and overall person now in the future and I’m sorry I couldn’t be that for you, during our time together. im sorry we hurt each other so repetitively to the point where we were both reduced to a sad pulp of feelings. I’m sorry to have cried in your arms while you held me because I was so hurt by you. And for us to say those nasty things to one another. Still there is a gap where you used to be in my heart. Even though I knew it wasn’t going to last. Even though that one day at the bed and breakfast in the islands while we lay in bed, i had too much to drink and I was slurring my words and wrapping my arms around you and I said I would never be in love with you. It just sort of came out. I hurt you really badly when I said that. It was true, but I shouldn’t have said that. Even when the storms were calm there was something missing. Like the passion was only there when we fought and made love. Besides that I was bored, fantasizing of other men. You left me for that short period and slept with her and I guess I never really recovered. It hurt so badly at first I thought I’d explode with sadness but then it got easier as the days passed. And easier and easier and so easy eventually that I was more numb than ever before and I wanted you to go away. I thought about him when we were in bed together and I wanted you to leave my place so I could call him. I was terrible, but clinging to the familiarity and comfort you offered me. I didn’t love you. I don’t think I ever did. Just like I told you. I’m sorry I wrote “I love you” in that journal. I mistook our mind-blowing passion in bed for love and I see that now. It was just physical. I hope you had fun in China. I’m not so sad anymore, now that we’re apart. I’m very happy. I hope your days are all happy too. I hope you find someone to share that happiness with, like I did and I hope you keep the journal I wrote you and I hope every once in a while you open it and think of me and see my messy handwriting telling you stories of the good times we shared, up until they became fewer and farther in between. Maybe we will pass by one another before I hop on my plane at the airport, the place we spent so many days together, and it may just be a quick glance, or maybe you’ll say hi. Until then, J. -N

J, you tell me you love me. How can I trust you, though? Did you love me when you were sleeping with her? My heart aches. You want to take me to the amusement park for my birthday because I always talk about going. You say you love me. But do you? I’m going on a date today. You don’t know about it. I’m sorry. I love you, J. But I need to keep my options open. You’ve hurt me too much and this guy makes me laugh and is attractive and is everything I need on paper. He makes me not think about you so much.

J, I saw you cry tonight. After a year and a half with you this was the first time I ever saw you cry. You tried to hide it. But I could see. I looked up and I wiped them away. I laid my head down on your chest. You didn’t cheat, but sleeping with her only weeks after breaking up with me hurts just as bad. I sobbed and sobbed while you held me and told me I was safe now. But I don’t trust you. Can I ever? You began to touch me and instantly my body stiffened. “Did you touch her like this?” “Noelle, god no don’t think that way. I hate her. Please don’t talk about her.” “You did. Didn’t you?” And burst up from the bed and run to the bathroom and I hear you vomit into the toilet. I run in behind you and see you becoming physically sick. Puking and puking more than I’ve ever seen someone puke. “J, are you okay? Are you sick? Are you drunk” “No, Noelle I’m not. But I never ever want to lay next to the woman I love and think about what I did I am sick to my stomach at the thought.” I’ve never seen words make someone so sick I my life. I don’t know what to do.... I still love you so much.

my phone dings. message after message, sad plea after sad plea, “i love you” “I miss you” “Noelle I need you” I took a flight to New York City tonight for work. You knew becuase you always have my schedule. And I looked up on the standby list and there was your name. My heart dropped and I panicked and I looked around for your face. You listed yourself on my flight to NYC... why? You wanted to follow me 700 miles away? For what? I guess it doesn’t matter because you chickened out and never showed up to the gate. You slept with her J. You admitted it. And I think about her hands in your hair and her on top of you and I could die. I could really just die. I should slap you and sometimes the anger gets so red hot that I wish you were in front of me so I could. But then sadness washes over me and I want to lay my head on your chest and sob and sob until there’s nothing left. What do you do when the only person who makes your pain go away is the one who caused it

J, you liar I met you almost two weeks ago after our month long breakup. We rekindled things. You told me you are crazy in love with me still. You wanted to try again. Invited me to your family’s house for swimming. Spent nights together, sang in the car together, laughed together. Sent each other good morning and good night texts. You asked me if I’d been with anyone since we broke up and I told you no. You looked me dead in the eyes and told me that you hadn’t been able to even look at another girl. You liar! I woke up at 4am to an fb message on my phone.... from a girl. A girl who had been in training with you in dallas. She wanted to tell me that you two had been hooking up for a month. She then blocked me immediately after so when I clicked to open the notification the message thread was gone. I have no idea what else her message said.... and maybe I’ll never know. But I saw what I needed to see. I’m so sick. How could I have let you look me in the eyes and lie??? How!? And I slept with you.... multiple times these past two weeks... I’m disgusted! She didn’t say you hooked up once she said you had BEEN hooking up! Now I wait for you to wake up and respond.... I am so mad, J. At you but mostly at myself for meeting up with you. For telling you I love you.

J, I’m meeting you today. Judging by our conversation last night, you’re excited to see me. I’m excited to see you, too. It’s been almost two months since we’ve seen each other face to face. I told you last night I had to go to sleep, on the phone. (I was too wine drunk to not mistakingly blurt out my feelings) and you begged me to stay and talk. But I didn’t. Today though, makes my stomach do flip flops. You haven’t denied this meeting is for closure. You keep saying “one last time”. Is that what our lunch date is, today? Just one last time? I’ve prepared myself. If that’s what you tell me, I’ll disappear. You won’t see me or hear from me again if you want to play games. If you want to be my “friend”. Or especially if you just want a friend you can sleep with. She won’t be me. You sent me a friend request last night on fb. It’s still sitting in my pending requests. Today’s meeting determines the rest of me and you.

J, I’m meeting you in two days. I haven’t heard from you since we made the plans a few nights ago and I’m so nervous. Part of me is almost sure this meeting will not go how I wish. You told me you loved me.... and I told you I loved you. I hadn’t said that to anyone in five years. I know this meeting is stupid. I know it could set me back more. But you insisted it needed to happen.... how could I live with the thought that I didn’t go? Your best friend texted me today and told me he missed me coming around all the time. Your friends miss me... and I miss your friends, too. Why don’t you miss me? Or do you? I’m just so confused and nervous for our meeting.

I agree 100%! I tried to end the convo after I mentioned his stuff but he kept texting. I figured if we could hold a normal conversation it may make the initial meeting up a little more comfortable. But eventually told him I had to go and I’d see him in a few days. If when i see him at lunch he decides this still isn’t what he wants I plan to tell him we shouldn’t continue contact. I’ve already planned my counter action for whatever he decides to say when we finally see each other. (And have his stuff just in case!!) We live an hour and a half away from one another so I’m not worried about running into him. NC after this meet up (if that’s the decision) should hopefully be easier since I most likely will never see him again.

11moreweeks Thank you, I think that’s a good idea. He told me he “isn’t sure what he wants right now” so I think the best idea is to bring it...you’re very right. If the meeting doesn’t end in reconciliation, I don’t want those things anymore. At this point I think seeing him face to face will at least put a real ending on things. Texting me from 800 miles away didn’t feel final enough and maybe this will help me let go. I can’t beg him to stay. We texted for about an hour after, laughing and joking like old times. I hope he sees what we had when we meet up. Thank you for the support :)

J, I gave in last night. :( you reaching out to me three days ago has really messed with my head. You asking to meet and me telling you no, I laid in bed wondering if I’d regret that decision. I was proud of myself for saying no but it was eating me up.... so I texted. A lousy 2 days of no contact. Haha. It’s been a month since the break up. I asked if we could finalize everything over a phone call. You dumped me after a year over text.... maybe I can’t move on because of that... maybe if I just heard your voice tell me we couldn’t be together....? It could help me. But you didn’t want to call. You wanted to see me face to face. When we broke up in January we met at that Mexican place, because you begged me to. It’s silly that is where you want to go. I meet you in four days. I have no expectations. I even asked if I should bring your things I have. You said no? Hoping for the best. Expecting the worst. Even if you tell me goodbye, I will still love you.

J, Waking up to a missed call from you. Only to see “oops my fault I’m sorry” made my heart race this morning. First seeing your name flash across the screen, only to be let down because it was an accident. I told you how much i was hurting yesterday but you never responded. How can you reach out to me, tell me you love me, then just stop responding. Part of me feels like you didn’t accidentally call. Like you did it on purpose. To remind me you’re there. To give me some hope and snatch it away. Breadcrumbing. I won’t respond. I won’t respond. I won’t respond. If I say it enough times I will make it true. If you don’t want to be with me, stop contacting me, J. Almost a month since you broke my heart. Still hurts like day one. Day 2 no contact. *sigh* please don’t reach out anymore.

J, You texted me yesterday. You told me you would like to meet up. You told me you really wanted to see me one last time. But I can’t. If all you want is to look me in the face and say goodbye I’d rather not. I know I begged you to meet me, but not for closure. I wanted to reconsile. If that’s not what you want, then you would just be putting me through more pain. I told you I couldn’t. Not if you didn’t want to be together. You asked me what I want. I told you I want to be happy and if you didn’t want me, I’d be happier alone. “But what do YOU want Noelle?” “Do you love me, J? Or don’t you? If you don’t, I can’t meet you. And you have to let me go.” “Of course I love you Noelle... but still... what does this mean for us?” How can you ask me this. How could you ask me what I want. I wanted us to work. :( “You know what I want. I wanted us. I can’t sleep at night, and when I do I have nightmares of you breaking up with me again and again. I just don’t want to hurt anymore.” You never replied. Ten days of no contact, starting over. Day one.

J, Ten days of no contact. This is the longest I’ve gone without reaching out to you. I’m proud of myself for fighting all the urges. I have no other option but to post on here because my friends have already said “you’ll be okay” so many times that I hear them getting bored. You knew I struggled with depression and anxiety. You said to me “we’re going to get through this together, I want to be there for you”. Then three days after I started my therapy and medication (to be a better person for US) you bailed. How can I even tell if my antidepressants are working when you basically tore my heart out and put it through a meat grinder? I can’t tell if I’m getting better because I’m sad every day over you. I’m so mad at you for this. I feel like I’ve taken one step forward and two steps back. In January it was ME who left you. I was doing fine. I was happy, I was looking forward to the single life. Until you came back and begged me like a sad pathetic puppy dog and I took you back. How on earth is it possible that I’m this heartbroken now over you?? Only six months ago I was feeling so good to be alone and now I’m a mess. I lost thirteen pounds, simply from the sadness causing me not to eat. I’m finally getting my appetite back, finally sleeping more than 5 hours a night. Little improvements. I bought a new car, a 2018 to make myself feel better. I covered my old tattoo with a new one (I know you saw on fb because you told me you liked it, meaning you still stalk my social media). You used to love my tattoos most about me. I bought festival tickets so I can have a good time, I got a tan. I got my nails done. Anything I could to make myself feel better. Oh yeah, and remember how you promised we’d get a place together? Well I signed a lease to my own place. All of this in three weeks. But despite all this “self improvement”, I still feel empty. I would trade all of this just to have you love me again and I hate that I think that way. I told you a secret about me a few months ago. I wanted to be a writer when I was little. I showed you some of my poetry and you told me I should write more for you. Well, I’m writing for you. But unfortunately you’ll never see this.

One more thing J, before you left I filled you a journal. Thirty nine pages to represent the thirty nine days you’d be gone to Texas. You read it and told me it was the best thing you’d ever received from anyone. You had tears in your eyes. Where is the journal now? Each page had a reason I loved you, or a memory we shared written on it. Do you look at it, and miss me? Does it remind you of happy times you had forgotten? Or did you leave it behind in Texas? Did you even bring it home with you? Or is it in a dumpster somewhere? The gift I worked on for 5 hours... drawing pictures, filling it with Polaroids of us and me... I put my heart into it... is it buried in the bottom of a junk drawer? Was it accidentally kicked under your bed, collecting dust? The thought kills me. It’s eating me up. I hope you pick it up one of these days and maybe you’ll decide to call? A girl can only dream, right?

Dear J, Today would’ve been our one year together but you left three weeks ago. I think of my last night with you. We drove to Indiana, got a hotel and it was just us two. We got wine and when you climbed on the bed to kiss me your foot knocked it over and spilled it and we giggled and after we cleaned it up I poured us two glasses. You would be leaving for six weeks the next day for work.... so I proposed a toast. “To finding our way back to each other, I love you” it said. We ordered Italian food to the room and spent an amazing last night together. The next morning while I did my hair and makeup you looked at me from the bed and said “you’re the most beautiful girl to ever even talk to me, much less love me.” I climbed back into bed next to you and draped my arm over your chest. “I am going to miss you so much these next six weeks,” I said. It was 5am, still dark out, and we were out having the last drags of our cigarettes when the shuttle to the airport came for you. You kissed me goodbye. If I would’ve known it was our last, I probably would’ve kissed you longer. That’s my last tangible memory of you. Only two weeks later you decided you weren’t ready for a relationship anymore. I would give anything to feel you look at me the way you did April 7th. I feel sick to think of you looking at another girl with that longing in your eyes. Now you don’t respond to me, anymore. It’s been a week since I begged you back and got no answer. It feels like someone’s squeezing my heart whenever I think of you. I haven’t cried in a week, but today I can’t stop. I just want to make the pain stop. Today, on our one year, will you even think of me? Because I can’t stop thinking of you.