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smJackson

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smJackson last won the day on July 13 2020

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  1. Stick to no contact. It is selfish of her to want you to keep loving her, while telling you that there is no chance for the relationship to ever work. She cannot have it both ways. That is selfish and you deserve to be loved and valued just the same as she does. She doesnt want you to stop loving her because she wants to keep that door open to your heart in the event that her other relationships fail and she needs a soft place to fall. As hard as it is, please avoid contact with her as much as possible. You will get through this.
  2. I know you saw me the other night when I was dropping my ex husband off. I know you saw us because you slowed all the way down to like 40 mph, so as to not catch up to us. It ticked me because for one, I wasnt even driving my car and you clearly recognized me from having the light on inside that car. Second, the more I slowed down, the more you slowed down. You gave me a reaction that I wasnt even trying to get. Because believe me, you could pull up beside me with a woman in your car and it wouldn't affect me one way or another. I'm not speeding up, slowing down, trying to get your attention or anything- I'm going about my way as if I didnt even see you. Because that's what I do now. My ex husband saw you when we were passing you anyway because I told him that was you. He just laughed because he knew that you were just another dumped side dude of the many that I had back when we were stil together. But thank you for slowing all the way down and letting me know that you saw us. I know it still must hurt to see me with the man that I was with before you came along, and while we were together. We recently split and I was dropping him at his girlfriend's house that night. That's how amicable our break up was. My ex husband was my backup all while we together anyway so cutting you off and going on was easy. I got out of the way so you could focus on the new victim in your life. Because any woman you date is a victim boo. You gone beat that ass, you will never compliment or build her up. You will criticize her and beat down her self esteem so that she wont leave. But they ALWAYS leave- you know deep down you're a cocaine snorting woman beater. You been beating, abusing and breaking women for 50 years. Just another abuser is what you are. Please understand that this was just an observation. I know it hurts your fragile ego to see me with another man, especially after I shot down your attempts to reconnect one year ago. Remember that you wanted it this way. You are the one that told me to get the F away from you and get out of your personal space. All I did was exactly what you told me to do- and I've held you to it ever since. Because you dont tell me to get the F away, then turn around and ask me for sex. Youre not going to tell me to go away, then ask me to come back to serve your sexual needs. I played with you, but you damn sure wasnt going to play with me. You'll miss my sex before I miss yours, considering that it wasnt good anyway. You never did anything I wanted or needed sexually because it was all about you. Everything was always about you. You had it made when I was around, because you could get back door action from me and anything else you wanted sexually. We both were sleeping with other people, and I didnt care what you did and you didnt care what I did. You didnt have to wine and dine me, or even do anything for me. I didnt do pop ups at your house and ruin what you had going with other women while we were together. I didnt even demand respect and tolerated the beatings you inflicted, you putting down my kids, and a lot more abuse. And I still gave you sex, unprotected at that. What man in his right mind would fu*k that type of arrangement up? You would. You made the mistake of thinking that another woman would give you a similar arrangement. I CAN be replaced, but there is only one Shan. I'm batsh*t crazy at times, moody as hell, and I've been disloyal in my past life. But I'm also highly Intelligent, educated, hard working, very intense emotionally and sexually. Im responsible and now I am a one man woman. I bought my Infiniti truck cash, along with my car. I'm putting my mini me through college and I'm a a great mother. I'm a high functioning borderline- and after being loved by one, admired by one, worshipped by one, and having intense sex with one- you'll never be the same again. The women you date afterward will be boring compared to us. I'm unapologetically ME. And one thing you'll never forget is, that you were very special and beloved to me. I loved you with a reckless abandon. I love very hard, deeply and intensely. You told me that 1(I'm not your priority 2)my autistic son is retarded 3)get the F away from you and get out of your personal space 4)you didnt give a F about me and never did And those the reasons why^^^^^ I declined your offer of reconnecting back in March of 2019. Why would I want to go back to a man that said such hurtful things about me and my child? It was very difficult for me to break away from you once and for all. I had to pray to God to let go of you. There is a man that I have an extremely huge crush on at my place of worship. I have been observing him and studying him for at least the last 8 months. He is a religious man that doesnt believe in sex before marriage. He is 53 years old, divorced, and he isnt even the best looking guy in the congregation. But when he speaks from the platform and gives his talks, he makes love to my mind. When he hugs me after the service is over, his cologne along with his tight embrace makes my legs weak. The way that he holds the bible for his elderly mother shows me how gentle and respectful he is. The way that he treats his 5 sisters is commendable. But as I learned from you Kenneth, men can act one way in public and abuse under a cloak of secrecy behind doors. So as I continue to learn to be alone for the first time since I was 16, I also pray about this man. God knows his heart, his innermost emotions and motives- the Lord knows the things about him that nobody else can see. And as i continue to heal from all the abusive relationships of my past, i also pray that he continues to give me the gift of discernment. That gift of discernment tells me to never trust you again. It's a god given gift and I use it wisely. You dont even like me. Why would I ever bother you again anyway??? You gave me a response and some attention that I wasnt even seeking from you. Thank you for letting me know that I still matter to you. If only you had shown me that when we were together. Then we would probably still be together right now. Peace
  3. It's been really therapeutic for me to vent on thia post for the last year and a half. This forum has served as a digital diary of sorts. And it had really helped me to get those unspoken things out of my spirit. The downside to all of it is that it keeps me from moving forward and having a healthy new relationship. I have posted here when I was bored and between conquests- but I am too old for that foolishness now. I have too much too lose these days, which is why I rejected your attempts to reconcile. You are more trouble than what it's even worth. Read that last line again. And a lot of your other exes agree with me on that. Because you have been dumped by countless women. Your body count is high as hell. These women dont want your ass. With everything you got, you STILL get dumped often. Why? Because despite your nice economic situation, you still arent worth 2 dead flies and they know it. Just like I know it. You think you're such an amazing person, so why doesnt anyone else see it?? Hahaha A needy, clingy borderline cutting you off and going full no contact speaks VOLUMES. As a bpd, we tend to tolerate less than what we deserve --because of our self worth issues and desperation to be loved. Well I got tired of "crumbs" of affection, laced with criticisms, physical abuse and constant put downs. Besides, the crumbs NEVER taste good as the whole loaf, that's a fact. I want the whole damn loaf or I want none at all. So for a "BORDERLINE" to realize that SHES BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU and that she can do "better"than you-- has to really crush that fragile ego of yours. I mean, after all, you have your county pension, city job, your locksmith business, all these boats and vehicles, and that nice ass house-- and yet, the "welfare " with a bunch of kids don't even want you. You really ARE a crappy individual if a borderline doesnt even want you. I mean damn, that's says a lot about you as a person. What's crazy is, I spent 20 years with a broke, cheating, toothless, lying dog ass dude that could never keep a job and support me and our kids--- decades longer than I could tolerate YOU. It wasnt just the great sex either- he just wasnt as hateful, cruel, demonic and barbaric as you. Looks like you lied about your ex Adrian, and you lied about many other things. I'm not even worried about it though: for all the gaslighting (my exes penis pic)lying and manipulating you did to me-- I did it to you a hundred times over. Some of which you'll never know about. I triangulated you with Faulkner, with Ricardo, and my ex husband interchangeably-between the physical beatings you inflicted on me. I couldn't fight you back physically, but I passive aggressively got my revenge all while we were together, through these men. I didnt sleep with any of them except my ex husband, but you knew that and tolerated it because we "both" knew you were sleeping around too. I knew, I just didnt care. So when you finally realized that I saw through your bullsh**, you became determined to destroy me and make me jealous. You named dropped "Angela" and the woman with the Mercedes trying to make me jealous- but I didnt care what you did or with who because, unknown to you, I already had one foot out the relationship. I was ready to get back to business as usual with my ex husband at that time. And you cannot make someone jealous that doesnt want you boo. So when you really started torturing me mentally and leaving me alone for long periods of time, thinking that I would compete for you and chase you- I used that as an opportunity to exit stage left. When you came back around, I just wanted distance from you and your abuse. When you asked, "if you dont want me to call you anymore, just say it" I saw an exit and walked right through it. And that was that. I had my life back as it was before you came along. So reaching out to my archenemy, and telling her what I said, could never hurt me i had been away from April for 3 years- and I didnt talk about her to anyone but you, back then when all that was going on and even this year. So when she started making contact, I knew that your hateful, baldhead, small d*** having ass was behind it. So I played cool and pretended to be okay with being "civil." Because I know this vindictive female is dangerous, just like YOU are vindictive and dangerous. Make no mistakes, I'll never trust her again. She wont ever come to my house, or get close to me again. Just like you wont!! But I can speak in passing, a quick hello before disappearing. At least she can get that, you wont ever get a hello from me again. So keep living a lie. You gaslight people to hide from the truth. Who wants a man that lives in a fantasy world of his creation, where hes perfect and everyone else is not? You are all smoke and mirrors. An illusion. You wear different masks to use women for what you want, while offering nothing. That all being said, my ex husband has a new woman and a new life. If he can find love, I know I can. Besides, you've enjoyed logging in here and reading what I've said about you. It makes you feel relevant and important, and that's the last thing I want to do. And it holds me back from healing and getting your hateful spirit out of my memory. For a much as I once loved you, I dont care if you live or die. Trust and believe, I will never trust you again. You are an enemy, and April is one too, despite having her daughters baby shower on my birthday. (Yes she did that to prove her fake love to me, which i saw right through) and you can tell her that i said that too, while you're at it. I got a "second" pair of handcuffs waiting for her as soon as she gets out of line. And that second pair of handcuffs is easier to get, remember?
  4. Considering that we parted ways 14 months ago, I went to the bpd website today to see what you said about me. Funny thing is, as I expected, you had nothing but bad things to say about me. "I dont care if i never see her again" and "I dodged a bullet with her," among other things. But then tried to sleep with me-- like I didnt know what you said about me. Couldnt you look into my eyes and see how dead they were? There were no looks of gleaming love in my eyes. There was no emotion in them at all because I know your fake ass cannot be trusted. Period. You've always been a fake, two faced individual. You talked about me like a dog to John, your daughters and anyone else that would listen. And that's why I stopped fu*king with you. I got tired of the constant mind games, gaslighting and manipulation. Constant tests to try and break me, and the mental & emotional torture. It would hurt you more for me to remove myself from my life; after all, you NEED someone willing to stay and take the abuse. Removing myself meant that you cannot get your revenge on me, so the next woman will have to take it. Because you have to release ALL that anger and rage on SOMEBODY- but it damn sure wasnt going to be me anymore. Find someone else to torture and abuse. You like being the way that you are anyway. I didnt trust or believe a word you said when you saw me 6 months ago. Trying to suck me back in your toxic vortex-- so that you could torture me some more or get revenge. I went through absolute hell with you. And it's not possible for me to get sexually turned on by a man that tells me to get the F away from him-- or that you dont give a F about me and never did-- that's where you messed up at. Why would I have sex with a creature that says that type of Bullshi*?? You lost your mind. Your sex is not good enough for you to treat women the way that you do. And it's not good enough for us to want to come back after we leave your hateful ass. Now what if I'd been a dang fool and hooked up with you? I'd probably contact your trustee and let them know you working at MLGW and Security One. But then I'd be vindictive just like your old bitter ballhead ass. But I saw right through that fake nice bullshi* and kept it moving. Thank the Lord for allowing me to see you for what you really are. I saw Pam at a dance competition. Shes a very beautiful black woman. Her hair is long and straight and comes down to her waistline. No weaves or wigs. Shes married too. She has the straightest white teeth and naturally long fingernails. Her phone number starts with 406. Yes we chatted about you and contrary to what you may think, she doesnt want you back. She didnt forward her mail from your house to her new address to ensure that you cant find her and kill her. I told her that you said you had a bullet with her name on it. Well she laughed and said she got one for your ass too. She really is a beautiful black woman like you said. And she has a good man that loves and protects her-- not torture her and busted her eardrum like you did to her. And you have the audacity to say you were good to her? Boy please. I had talked to her online on fb but seeking her in person was cool. Like she said, you brag about the women you "used" to have. But all of them got tired of your abusive ass and LEFT you. You can say all day that you were tired of her and me, but the TRUTH OF THE MATTER is, that you were gonna use us for sex for as long as you could. But that's where you had us fu**ed up at. At the end of the day, WE left YOU alone forever and it was no coming back with us. Then you wonder why your exes dont have a kind word to say about you or why they never call, text, stop by your house or anything. We know how to find you if we really want to. So keep living in your fantasy world where you are perfect and always right. You gone die alone with a line of cocaine just like she said. And you can talk about me bad some more on that website- full of depressed narcissists like Romanticfool and Crywolf. Good riddance fuc*boy!!!
  5. Running into you last month was totally unexpected. I never would've pulled in that cove had I known you would be there. But seeing you wasnt as bad as I imagined it would be. You still blame me for the breakup- If thats what helps you sleep at night, ok. You told me to get the f*** away from you and get out your personal space. You told me you didnt give a f*** about me and never did b***h. Then you let me sit in that hurt for 6 days while you pursued another woman. You didn't care about my feelings. When you came back after those 6 days, like nothing ever happened, I just couldnt get past what you said. I tried for the last 7 days that we talked but it was never the same. The trust was gone. I couldn't trust that you wouldn't hurt me again and again if you had the chance to. I have to protect myself from people who cannot forgive and move forward. People who only stay in my life so that they can gather Information to turn around and try to destroy me and my mental well being. People like you and April, who are really dangerous to be around because you hold grudges for a lifetime. We both know what REALLY happened that led to the breakup. After 8 months NC you still tried to alter the reality of what happened. What I found surprising is that you thought it was acceptable to sexually assault me by grabbing and touching on me, trying to see if I've shaved my private area, etc. I hope you enjoyed rubbing on me though, because that's the last rub you will ever get. When we were seeing each other, you never gave me oral sex or even foreplay. And I got bored with sex with you, which led to me cheating. There are men out here that are sucking toes, giving oral, licking whip cream, chocolate and other desirables off of womens bodies. You just dont turn me on anymore. There are men out here who are ok with being a side dude too- and they understand that the side dude is supposed to do everything that the main guy isnt doing. You claimed that you were okay with being my side dude after we broke up on valentine's day, when you called my toddler son retarded. So after you said that about my child, you knew that while i still cared for you, I'd never take you seriously as far as a relationship- because if you got SO mad at me, so full of anger and rage that you would TARGET my special needs son, who was 3 and never did anything to anyone- that I needed to protect my son and my other kids from you. You knew the trust was gone as far as bringing you around any of my kids- then you turn around and demand to be able to come to my house for us to have sex. You knew this was not an option because my kids father lived there, and you didnt know that from day one but when you found out, you tolerated it because you didn't have to financially provide for me or my kids, and you still had access to effort free sex from me. You didn't have to wine and dine me, or anything and you was okay with that for 2 years. You beat on me, degraded me, put me and my kids down and talked about us. I gave you sex in any position that you wanted it and you still didnt appreciate me. So I cut back on the sex and started distancing myself from you to break that emotional detachment. I just find it odd that you would want to restart a sexual relationship with me when you didnt appreciate me or our "arrangement" the first time around. I guess you've been dating and you see that these women want money, they want respect, they want to be courted and dated properly- and with me, you got effort free sex on demand and didnt have to give me money or respect. When you was grabbing on me and pulling me close, it made me very uncomfortable. I had no problem with a platonic, break the ice hug, but getting sexual with you hadnt crossed my mind in damn near a year. You know good and well I cannot be alone for long, and while I dont have a man per se, I am sexually active, even though it is only once every 3 to 4 months. And you know that I'm not in this huge house alone every single night either. So maybe you were trying to see if I am still that old cheating, dishonest woman but I am NOT. I am terribly lonely at times; but I dont want or need anyone disrupting my peace. I do acknowledge that having a main man and a side man isnt right, even though that's what I would still prefer at moments in time. But I am evolving, and old habits die hard. I refuse to hurt any other men, so I choose loneliness until I am ready to seriously date one man only. No more fwb, no more side men, no more looking for external validation and forms of "love." I am learning to love myself and a sense of peace comes with that too. That all being said, you never once said you missed me, or that you would like to invite me over for some lamb. My aunts 2nd death anniversary was the day we saw each other, and I talked to you in the hot sun for over an hour because i had nothing but a large empty house to come home to that day. While I may not have had sex with you that day, who knows what could've happened? But you thought that you could toss me a few crumbs of affection and get me in bed. And that old, needy, low self esteem woman that you once knew is long gone now. I listen to what men DONT say. Saying you miss my "chunky" was an insult, not a compliment. There are plenty of men that miss my intense sexual prowess- you're one of many men from my past that try to get me back under the sheets. My Facebook inbox is full of messages from my exes and sexual partners from past conquests. I require mental stimulation,(I bore of men easily) genuine love and affection, and lots of attention among other things- things that I realized 9 months ago that I will never get from you. I didnt ask you questions about your life or your family-choosing to let you tell me what you wanted me to know. You are an ex and I respect that we are forever done. I am very nosy and inquisitive and always in someone's business-- that I "care"about. So the fact that I didnt share much about myself or ask about Tommi or who you are dating should let you know what it is. I am a work in progress, but I am still impulsive at times. We could've probably had some one time, no strings attached sex had you simply came with a respectful approach; and not grabbing me like some hooker on a street corner. I dont sit by the phone and hope you will call me anymore. When it got to that point with us, you triggered my abandonment. Kinda like waiting for my mother to come back, that never came back. So I have zero expectations where you are concerned. I dont care who you sleep with, where you go or what you do. I'd be lying if I didnt say that I dont miss the 5 and 6 hour telephone conversations that we had though. The mental stimulation is what I miss, not the sex, honestly. I still enjoyed talking to you though, for what it's worth. I never let a man tell me more than once that he doesnt want me. Telling me how Pam sucked your D like a champ, and telling me to get away from you and out of your personal space, and that you never gave a f*** about me and never did b**** just caused a hurt and brokenness in me that I could never get past with you. You set out to hurt me in every way possible Kenneth, and you finally succeeded. My kids father had already wounded me so deeply, but I didnt love him the way that I loved you. After my aunt died, their father was the only blood relative that they have, other than me. Ann nurtured the girls and Gary nurtured my special needs son. Taking away the last sense of normalcy that my kids had in their father brought a sense of guilt that I just couldnt bring myself to do. If I had taken my son from the only person in the world who loved him, I could never forgive myself. You called him retarded so I knew you could never love me or my son, because he is a part of me and calling him retarded is the same as calling me retarded. That is why we ended up in the scenario that we had. It wasnt right but I had lived without love, affection and attention for decades. Even now, I wished that I had done things differently but like I told you, it's all in the past and it doesnt even matter now. I hope you find a woman that will make you happy, I really do. And now I will never speak on you here on this forum again- so that I can close the door on you and truly move forward. Seeing you took away the resentment I had. And it also showed me that going back to you would only mean more bad sex, more getting blamed for everything and more bad treatment from you- none of which is more appealing than loneliness.
  6. I saw you in traffic yesterday, and the day after. Im going to avoid Riverdale so I dont see you so much. One of your headlights are dim needs to be replaced. I pulled ahead of you and got a good look at you, since you dont know what my new car looks like. I couldn't help but notice how much you have aged. You look even older than you did just 8 months ago. I hurried up and turned off on the highway because I didnt want you to see me. Nothing positive would come from an interaction between us. I couldve played with you all day, flashed my headlights, follow you to see where you were going, flag you down, etc. but what's the point in wasting your time or mine? I'm not trying to hold on to you. Seeing you in any capacity doesnt flood me with good feelings, I only remember how you said 1)I wasnt your priority 2)my special needs son was retarded 3) get the F away from you and get out of your personal space and drew your fist back at me 3)I dont love you and I never did b****. But it's all good though!! If you and other men in my past hadn't treated me so badly, I wouldn't recognize and appreciate a good man. I am preparing myself to be a great wife, and I could say that I never met a man that I could be trust or be faithful to until recently. I didnt value myself therefore I always untrustworthy men like you ---abusers, manipulators, gaslighters, cheaters, cocaine/weed addicts, porn addicts, alcoholics, PTSD sufferers or otherwise codependent. I am taking it very slow and I'm not pressured to have sex because he wants to wait until marriage like I do.This is the type of men that I've been waiting for all of my life. (Ps. I no longer date older men, or any men with military backgrounds because I longer find them desirable. I switched things up to get a different result.) Even if we dont work, I'm on the right track to getting the type of man I desire. I really feel sorry for you. I just paid my deposit on an overseas vacation and you continue to live a dull, boring existence, full of anger and rage, if you feel anything else at all--depending on validation, praise from low self esteem women to feel good about yourself. Nobody can make you feel good about you but YOU. You cannot love a woman the way she deserves. Its not that you dont want to- you are incapable. You crave love, yet you cant trust in it. Then You are: vindictive, vengeful, insecure, disordered, delusional, very low self esteem, abusive grudge holding, needy, critical, insulting, controlling, jealous and I could go on and on with the synonyms. You are a broken man who will continue to break every woman that tries to love you. If they have sense, they will get away from you before they age before their time. Loving you will have a woman aging in dog years. People will assume that any woman you are with will be getting beat behind closed doors because everyone knows the truth of who you truly are now. If I EVER see you out with a woman, that's what I will assume, along with how shes wasting her life- no marriage license, no orgasms, plus getting beat and then getting blamed for it? Yeah, she will be real happy with you. If you do marry a woman, she will pay dearly for that marriage license with torture, suffering and unrealistic expectations. Adrian left you with a house you never wanted to begin with, and got a larger beautiful home in Greenbriar. And youre struggling to hold on to it, when you've already sunk 20 years of payments into it-- and ain't no closer to having the title than back in 1998. Pam talked about marriage with you, only to disappear on you with no Intention of repayment or marriage because she was tired of your revenge, just like I was. Each time we left and returned, hoping things would be better, you got revenge on us for leaving. You'd pretend to be nice for a week or two, then strike when we were off guard. But if it hadn't been for her talking to me, telling me it will never get better, I'd still be wasting my life with you. That woman who gave you an ultimatum about marriage. She left you because she realized that as long as you can get a dumb woman to play house- help you pay YOUR house note, YOUR Bills, grow YOUR business, cook, clean and sex you regularly, all of the duties of a wife but with no marriage license, or real authority-- that's what you will do. And she left because theres nothing for her to gain from being with you-- and if you dropped dead, your oldest daughter would come right in and take control because legally, shes the next of kin. Damn some life insurance, women want that marriage license, and that's something no woman will ever get from you because you focus on people's flaws, yet don't seem to think you have any yourself. You REALLY DO THINK YOU ARE PERFECT. And that's insanity. I told you that I was going to get me a husband in the church if we didnt work out. I know you dont believe that any man of substance will ever want me as a wife. That's what you wanted me to believe when we were together. You didnt think I was capable of acquiring a 4000 square foot house, buying 2 vehicles cash in 2018 either though, did you? Well, I WILL have a great husband one day. And the wedding photos will be on my social media page for all to see. So many people wrote me off, counted me out and doomed me to be a failure. Just wait and see!!
  7. Ps. In the end, you realized that I didnt give a damn about your new job with MLGW. You never helped me financially to begin with, but seemed to believe that I came back because I "needed you" financially. I always worked two jobs- before, during and after you. I didnt care about you having a 4 bedroom house, 4 vehicles and a boat either. I came back and tolerated your abuse because I truly loved you back then. I left you alone and accomplished some major sh**, and did better than you. But I'm the loser?? Lol. A real woman makes her own money- and at the end of the day, material things mean nothing . They are nice, but not a requirement. Superficial women will tolerate your beatings, jealousy and insecurities in order to live a certain way though. On another note, I dont see how Pam and Adrian tolerated you as long as they did. Two years was my limit and my threshold for the pain and torture. Ps. (Remember "epicurean"??) Deep down, you know you are a monster. You run from your true self. That's why you pretend to be a man of values, character and morals. Yet you have been a side piece for several women who were in relationships or married even-- like the doctor's wife who was addicted to xanax that you slept with repeatedly. You are an opportunist and predator and you deep down, you know this. You let other people talk and you listen-- because you listen for their flaws, vulnerabilities and weaknesses - and you let them confide in you, because you know you will use this information against them later during devaluation, or to get the upper hand in an argument. Because you are always right. You are never at fault. You are perfect. You definitely taught me to talk less and listen more nowadays. I refuse to discuss my fears, vulnerabilities or prior relationships with men. At the first signs of an insecure, jealous man, I disappear. Never again. Thanks for that lesson too. My kids father was a very well endowed man, and he had a confidence and swag about himself that was unmatched. This is the real reason you hate yourself. You let this one thing make you feel less than a man--and no matter what we did, it was a bottomless pit that we could never fill. Only beating on us made you feel like a man. Size doesnt make you a man, the way you treat others and live your life does. I know some confident "small" men too- so this is your insecurity in your head. I feel so much better having got these things off my chest. Its therapeutic. Now that tax season is here, it's time for me to reserve my summer vacations. I'll be distracted for quite a while and wont be online as much. Amen!!
  8. I am in a much better headspace today than I was 3 weeks ago when I last posted here. When i think of how you beat my ass in your living room for deleting a couple of text messages out of your phone that i had sent you- when i think about the time you smashed my head into your headboard when we were arguing, when I think about you slamming my head into the roof of my car and about to draw your gun on me- when I think about you calling my 3 year old special needs child retarded- when I think about how badly you treated me and tortured me the last time you saw me back in July of last year- I realized that there isnt a woman alive that you could make me jealous of. Going to jail for punching your own blood sister- the way you told me proudly of how you beat your other ex girlfriends- the barbaric way you busted her eardrum and swole her face up- putting a loaded pistol in her mouth and all that--- what woman on the surface of this earth would ever miss you when the relationship is over? None of your exes ever reach out to you or desire to maintain contact after the breakup. None of them have a kind word to say about you. Perhaps you trauma bonded other women along the way. Theres no way you can love yourself and beat on your own blood family and the women you "claim" to love. And no, we didnt provoke you, get in your face or hit you first either. Beating on women because they talk to you in a way you dont like or because they behave in a manner you dont approve of is nothing but abusive, selfish and controlling behavior. You are nothing more than an insecure f***boy who feels less than a man because his penis is small---and because lots of women have cheated on you because of it. Your self esteem is low and you really feel empty and hollow inside, devoid of emotion, except for anger and resentment, for the cards that life dealt you. Well you know what? We all have to play the cards that we were dealt and justifying abuse of any form in your mind makes you delusional. I do miss what we had in the beginning. The bouquet of flowers you surprised me with, the hugs and kisses. The problem with you is that you are a narcissist and when a woman doesnt live up to your expectations of being perfect, you split them. You criticize demean, insult and destroy your partners self esteem slowly over time with your jealousy, false accusations of cheating, etc thinking they wont leave. A healthy man that TRULY values himself feels no need to gaslight, be manipulative, controlling or play mind games. You are emotionally immature just like I was at the time. In the end, I possessed a strength that you didnt know that I had, and i walked away from you abrubtly and never looked back. I had told you that you'd never see it coming, and that you would one day miss me. Not me, you just miss having someone to beat on, insult and abuse. Women aren't lining up to be abused by you like you think they are. When I think of you, i just remember the hurt and brokenness that you amplified. I was already a wounded soul and you made it worse. I have taken time to fix my childhood wounds this time, because I dont ever want to attract another man like you. I will never let a man treat me the way you did, ever again. That being said, you were a love lesson. Mary J. Blige has a song called "love lesson" and it reminds me of our tumultuous relationship. I am still healing and working on preparing myself to be a wife. I am learning to cook more. God has to fortify and refine me some more, and I have some more maturing to do. The men at the church where I go are real men. They take their dedication to the Lord seriously and they value themselves. They would never tolerate a woman like me in my current state. I have to come prepared for these men. They are honorable and respectful men, fathers and sons who dont even engage with immature women. Once I get to my place of maturity, I will attract these type of men naturally, and not broken little boys in men's bodies like you. You trying to control me led to your downfall. Beating me continuously led to your arrest. The bond, lawyer fees, court cost and fines hurt you financially because you already lived beyond your means. You endured public humiliation when your mugshot appeared in the newspaper, and when the very colleague's you locked people up with when you worked at the jail- had to lead to you the same cells that you locked others up in. Word spread like wildfire to your former coworkers at the jail, your family, as well as our then coworkers at Security One. You were an ankle monitor for 6 months. As a result of the court case, you plunged into massive debt, foreclosure and then bankruptcy. All because you didnt like the way I talked to you. You had always said that other women wanted you- so why didnt you just leave me alone since you had so many other options? Because deep down inside, you know you're a failure. You are the worthless one. You had to much too lose over someone that was living with another man. And you tried to beat me into respecting you, but you only hurt yourself in the long run. You were free to leave at any time. You been beating and breaking womens spirit for the last 50 years, and when women who date you realize what you really are, they all leave you. Who wouldn't abandon a predator, who targets broken women to abuse? Who wouldn't abandon a monster like you, who actually enjoys the pain and torture that you inflict on others? Who enjoys playing mind games to deflect his own wrongdoing and avoid responsibility? Who stalks all of his current exes and keeps track of them, and wishes bad for them,all while being in a new relationship? You went through all of that for a woman that you cant even speak to now. I wouldn't even acknowledge you if I saw you on public. Was it even worth it? Why would I speak to you when all you did was get revenge, all while we were together ? You've always been a vindictive, vengeful person- ALWAYS got to "get someone back" or "one up" someone for perceived wrongs. You've never taken responsibility for anything in your life, and that hasnt changed. I believe you'd kill me if you had a chance- after all, you said you have a bullet in your gun with two of your exes name on them, right? Exactly. I'm just so glad to get all of this off my chest. I wasnt perfect in the relationship, but I admit and accept my wrongs while you deflect, deny and gaslight. Good riddance! Ps. Your $3000 that you tried to manipulate me into giving you (when I'm a single mom with kids) is still at the bank.
  9. My new friend girl Hope (that has psychic abilities) told me that she had a vision of you arguing with your new woman. And that you told her that you were going to kill yourself. I'm glad that she confirmed what I had been suspecting before I went no contact 6 months ago. That's why you were so hateful and cruel to me- because you had someone else. It's the fact rhst you were so cruel to me is what bothered me about that. I already had closure in a sense- last summer when I gave up on trying to love you and let you go. Now I can REALLY let go. I've got to get busy dating again. I also thought I saw you pull out in traffic at riverdale and Winchester a couple of weeks back. Lol. I've been so focused on myself that I hadn't done too much dating. When I'm single, I get more accomplished and I focus better. I got a new job, a new car and a new house all in the course of 6 months. I will eventually settle down and get married once I learn to cook a little bit better. I'm preparing myself to be a wife. I'm exercising while I deliver these packages daily, and i deliver in all parts of town. I pray that I dont get your street or address to deliver to. I'm also focused on bettering my image with dental work as well as my body image. I'm focused on getting my Brazilian buttlift and tummy tuck surgery for this spring. I'm focused on me for now, but I do have a fwb. I'm going overseas this summer and I need the body and smile to match. This surgery will also open me up to a larger dating pool of men- just like moving to this new neighborhood and getting my new career has done. Anyway, I can truly say that I dont love nor hate you. I wish you and your new woman all the best. I hope you wish the same for me.
  10. I forgot to mention that Faulkner has never ever touched me except to hug me a few times. I told you what I told you to distract you from the attention that he gave me after your verbal and physical abuse. We've never had sex of ANY kind, we've never even kissed. He did tell me to get away from you and he did try to steal me away from you- he was shooting his shot but I never gave him the time of day. Ricardo told me 2 weeks ago that you are no longer at Security One. (He paid for my hotel rooms when I was homeless and while you lived alone in a 4 bedroom house-- never offering your home to me and my "retarded" child- he sheltered me when nobody else did and he will always be a lifelong friend) I may choose to return there at some point in the future- but Amazon pays me $25 per hour. You are no longer there to bad talk me to everyone else so I feel safe to return there should I need a job in the future. I withdrew my job application from MLGW so that we wont cross paths. Your girls lost a lot of respect and admiration for you after your arrest. They still love you, of course. But they also realized that maybe their mother wasnt as bad as they thought she was. After seeing what happened with us- they understood what their mother had went through in her relationship with you. They had more love and sympathy for her. When she fell ill with cancer, they may have wondered whether your brutal beatings shortened her life span by a few years. But they are women. You raised them to never allow a man to beat them, while you busted eardrums in women, put a pistol in your exes mouth, choked me and put your hand on your gun on that night(which is a felony and that's why you were arrested) but they know that you are an abuser and that's a stigma that will follow you for the rest of your life. They love you but they will never ever view you through the flawless lens that they did before. They know how you treat women behind closed doors and they cant "unknow" that. Your youngest daughter is so disappointed in you- you aren't the man that she thought that you were. We were abusive to each other and just toxic but you brought the physical abuse dynamic into the relationship. I never provoked you, got in your face or touched you first. We had a very intense relationship and there was never a dull moment between us. I knew that marriage and stability was something you'd never see me a worthy of or good enough for. After you targeted my toddler son and called him retarded, I knew that I could never feel safe bringing my kids around you. Men like you---who target innocent children-- when they are angry at their mother-- will kill those children. We see it everyday on the news. There was no real hope for us so why continue to waste my life and my time with you? Rollercoaster is the only way to describe our dynamic. But whomever I'm with, it's going to be a rollercoaster- no doubt about that. But I am much more stable with my meds, my new 4000 sq ft home, and my new career. I have too much to lose now. I must admit, its times like this that I wish that I could just call you up and chat for old times sake. Your sole mission was to hurt me, and hurt me you did. Rather than just leaving me alone, you set out to use me for sex and get revenge while you groomed your new woman. Did you really think that my self worth was THAT low? I have men shooting for me on a daily basis- in person and over the internet. I wasnt going to keep tolerating your cruelty-- when I have countless men vying for my attention. But i didnt want their attention, I wanted yours. And for the entire months of May and June, you didnt call or return my calls much. So I learned how to live without you during this time. You dropped Adrian for Pam, then dropped Pam for Vicki. Did you really think I was going to hang around for the same treatment? Hell no, and Pam never got over catching you at Vicki's house and I'm sure that's why she went on and left you alone too. All you did was compare me to Pam anyway- but she rode the ship to the bottom of the sea, whereas I jumped ship earlier. When you told me to stay the F away from you and get out of your personal space, and drew your fist back to hit me, that was the straw that broke the camels back. I did what you wanted me to do and I walked out of your life forever. You CANNOT say such things to someone with BPD or abandonment issues. YOU JUST MIGHT GET YOUR WISH-- for we dont hang around where we aren't wanted. We've felt unwanted and unloved for all of our lives and we run from people who remind us of these core wounds. That's exactly what you have not seen or heard from me in 6 months. For as close as we once were, I never imagined that I would live 3 miles from you and never desire to make contact. But then I remember what happened the last time I stopped by your house- and how you drew your fist back at me- I remember the hatred I saw in your eyes. I remember that love no longer lived for me at your address. And so I continue to drive by your house without any longing or desire to stop.
  11. I cant help but notice how much BETTER I did after I left you. Once I distanced myself from your anger, resentment, criticisms and insults about my autistic toddler son-- and surrounded myself with people who TRULY love me, my life flourished. I am living in a much bigger house than you are(6 bdrms, 4000 square feet). My home is in a much better neighborhood than yours too- the subdivision you live in is like the ghetto compared to where I'm living. Lots of car traffic pass through your subdivision day and night-- then you got the busy, noisy intersections of Raines Rd as well as Winchester nearby. Where I live at, it's so quiet, all day every day, that you can literally hear crickets. I live in a neighborhood of $300,000 homes. I upgraded to a brand new car off the showroom floor so that you wont recognize me when I'm out in traffic. I'm flying below the radar these days and making myself unrecognizable. And I didnt need a man to help me accomplish any of these things. I focused on loving myself and learning to be alone-- and the universe responded in kind. It's funny because in your eyes, I was a loser with a bunch of kids. You thought that you were my only hope of a better life-- and that I should be grateful to be with you. As it turned out, I'm out here living better than YOU. I'm going back overseas at tax time, and I'm about to have cosmetic surgery. Too bad that you only saw the worst in me-- because all I wanted was the right man to love me, not tell me to get the F away. I just went about it all wrong. But I'm glad that you told me to get F away from you-- I chose to focus on bettering my life. It's funny how you made fun of Adrian filing bankruptcy to keep her house- but then you had to turn around and do the same thing yourself. Her house is bigger than yours too and in a much nicer subdivision than yours is too. When she left you alone, she went on and did better than you. And so did I. I'm moving on from this forum at enotalone and wont be visiting here too much more. I got to vent here about you but now I dont even feel the need to do that anymore. I suffered extreme PTSD after being with someone so vengeful, vindictive and fake as you. You taught me what I DONT want in a partner- you are physically abusive- you choked me; you used my insecurities and secrets against me. You played brain soup with me with your gaslighting and mind games until I got fed up. You snort cocaine regularly and it makes you even more hostile and violent. You are extremely insecure and need validation to feel better about yourself. Then you picked on my autistic toddler son- and thats when I realized that my relationship with my kids father wasnt nearly as bad as being with you was. So I'm not jealous of your next woman- I pity her. You cried victim- when all you had to do was walk away. And you slept with other women while we were involved. I was wrong in not being honest upfront but when you finally understood what you were involved in, you willingly stayed for 2 years. In the end, I was the one who ended what we had for good. As much as you hated and resented me, you still wanted to keep me around for sex-- so again, you're not a victim. You're always the hero or the victim, never at fault for anything. You cant blame me for what you chose to tolerate in YOUR life. I'm so glad that I gave my life to the Lord and changed my life. I'm closing that chapter on you here forever tonight.
  12. Two more weeks will mark 5 months of no contact. I look forward to the next 5 months of NC. I dont post on social media much because I dont want anyone except those in my small circle of trust to know what's going on in my dramatic life. Theres always something going on- but nobody will know from looking at my social media. I live a much more private life now than I ever have. I'm flying below the radar because I really dont trust people after being with you. My trust was low before, now its zero. You pretended to care about me so that you could have access to my life and my personal business- to then plot to destroy me while smiling in my face. April did the same thing and that's why I cut both of yall off instantly. I dont have time for fake mfers around me. When a needy, isolated person cuts you off, preferring loneliness over your company, that's speaks volumes about you. I think that you maybe you thought I would never leave you alone. Maybe you thought you could say what you said and my needy ass would still be there. Maybe you thought you'd make me compete for your affections. It was only a matter of time before I got tired of your sh**, like all the women that dumped you before I did. I'm used to cutting people off and moving on. I dont ever get too comfortable or attached to ANYBODY. That's how I lived my whole life and yall were no different. You underestimated me. I refuse to let you or any man half love me. I hope that you are with someone else and that you never think about me. If I saw you out in public, I wouldn't even acknowledge you. I'd disappear quickly and quietly. I just now reinstated my previous phone number. Had to make myself untraceable and unreachable to you until a period of time passed. Go ruin another woman's life and tear her and her kids down. Choke her and call her names. Never spend money on her or take her out because you act and live like an 80 year old man. Because that's exactly what I know that you will do.
  13. A couple of days ago, I received a friend request from a guy whose initials are RS. whom I strongly believe is your close friend. I dig deeper and found out that he was married to woman whose name starts with an A. It didn't take a genius to figure out that this was someone you knew and I blocked him. You told me to get out of your personal space and I did JUST so. You are free to live your life with NO interference from me. Why the smear campaign? We don't have the same friends or even run in the same circles- nothing you say will even get back to me. I had been detaching from you since January of this year. My first two failed attempts of no contact were me merely practicing for the final departure. Your elevated levels of cruelty gave me the strength to leave for a lifetime. You were in a position of strength when YOU left ME--but you made the mistake of trying to hoover me. You insulted my intelligence thinking you could tell me to get the F away from you, looking like Satan himself, then call me 6 days later, offering no apologies, like nothing had happened. I used that opportunity to turn around and discard YOU permanently and crush your ego all at the same time-- but not BEFORE calling you out on your BS. YOUR family keeps their distance from YOU- not vice versa. You spent the last year and a half "getting revenge" on me for having you arrested for domestic violence; in other words, standing up for myself and enforcing boundaries. Remember this: your mother, your grown daughters, your siblings and ALL of your family KNOW without a shadow of a doubt-- that you are STILL the cruel, selfish ABUSER today that you were 40 years ago-- when you beat your own sister, when you beat your daughters mom, and when you busted your exes eardrum-- your family KNOW that YOU are mentally insane-- that's why YOU had to leave home at 18-- they wanted your deranged ass away from them and they maintain their "distance" to this day. You punished me for ruining the "image" that you spent 40 years rebuilding to them- but they KNEW you hadn't changed anyway! You can have that record expunged in court, but you can't erase this from their memory, ever. Their perception of you has been forever altered. The court of public opinion lasts a lifetime. Now that I'm gone, your bankruptcy, (10 year hit to your credit) your damaged reputation and your return to work full time from retirement remain for YOU to handle. YOU have to pick up the pieces of your broken life-- you tried to break me, control me, and destroy me-- and dug a ditch for yourself instead!! Everyone-- your family, your neighbors, your former work colleagues at the jail-- all know you are an ABUSER. You could marry the Presidents wife- but behind your back, they will truly pity the new woman you romance after me; because they know your long, abusive track record with women--relatives and significant others included. They know behind closed doors, after the honeymoon period-- the hell that you will put her through. Just like all the women you did BEFORE her. She will be blamed for EVERYTHING. She will be beaten and subject to your insecurities, accusations of cheating, your horrible moods and selfishness, your frugality with money---And I will continue to travel, (I went to Hilton Head Sc, Atlanta, New York, Miami and the Bahamas while we were together and never took you with me-- for a reason) buy vehicles, work on my career and live my best life!!! I even believe that you may possibly be on this forum and so I am going to kill the topic of you ONCE AND FOR ALL...HERE AND NOW!!! GOOD RIDDANCE!!!!
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