Jump to content

Sylph

Bronze Member
  • Posts

    187
  • Joined

  • Days Won

    1

Sylph last won the day on May 6 2006

Sylph had the most liked content!

About Sylph

  • Birthday 04/26/1988

Sylph's Achievements

Collaborator

Collaborator (7/14)

  • First Post
  • Collaborator
  • Conversation Starter
  • Week One Done
  • One Month Later

Recent Badges

3

Reputation

  1. Cogito ergo sum. I should certainly hope I real person. Or perhaps it'd be easier to think that my entire life was one cruel prank, rather than a nightmare that teeters on the edge of insanity to dangerously. Oh, and thanks.
  2. Don't think I'm posting here again because I love you guys. I just need an emotional release that goes past updating my journal that three people have veiwing rights too. Now that I've started this I really don't know what to say, to be honest the need to do this built itself up yesterday, I'm only writing this on the knowledge that the need will very likely build up once again soon. My state of mind is worse than ever, for a while in was fine, or more over I was able to escape reality more readily, but over the last few weeks (months, I don't even remember) I hadn't had that opportunity. thereforeeee I find myself in the same old familiar position, stewing in my own thoughts, in the same old place, behind my computer. I'd like to think I've narrowed down the problem, I'd also like to think that I hadn't already known this for an age, but I have. With out giving out my life story, most of my schooling years were spent getting systematically bullied day-in, day-out until people no longer even needed an excuse to make my life a living misery. I guess like all kids who get bullied I developed a mask, an ability to project and 'I'm okay' image to the outside world no matter what I'm like inside. What am I like inside? I'd probably use the words 'Raging torrent of emotion' if I didn't already feel guilty about complaining about any aspect of my life, even if I do it validly, not that I can actually tell. I've been stewing so long inside my own head for so long, just trying to cope, obssessed with this self made mask of calm. Far too affriad to expose myself to anyone in the fear that they might actually see that I can't cope at all, that infact I'm really terribly weak inside, but most of all that they'll all just misunderstand that I mean and be dismissed. The last case is made all the more likely because knowing me if I let down my guard initially I'll look courage soon afterwards and let myself be misunderstood, so that I can go back to stewing in my own thoughts weaker than before. Because I really am weak, I've spent my entire life finding ways to make myself seem stronger, happier than I am. I've done it for so long that so often I'm not even sure what's true about me. Do I actually feel that way or did I just make that up and simply can't remember doing it? What are my opinions, what do I believe? I don't even know. My indentity is forfit and my personality totally inconsistant over time and towards different people. At any rate I recognise that I need help and certainly can't do this on my own, between my crippling anxiety and ineptitude to do much for myself (I'd blaim my learning disability but that's a bomb shell of guilt right there) nothing ever gets done. I'd turn to a friend to take my hand and help me through it but I don't have a friend in the world who I don't know as a physical person, and not via some avatar from the internet. And just so you know, my parents aren't an option; my father barely registers that I exist, I'm pretty sure he never wanted children in the first place, and my mother is an ignorant, controlling thing that seriously thinks I'm still her little baby. She's be the first person to misunderstand and deny my thoughts and feelings as me just being a lazy bastard. The logical thing to be would be move out of here, get away, thought maybe I've spent so long in these four walls that I can barely call "home" that I just don't know any different, the european "hikkomori". I really wouldn't even know where to start. I've run out of things to say so I'll just end it here.
  3. Oh I know, I'm quite depersonalised from that part of me. I'm just exploring possbilities, I see an easy way out and I take note of it. But as I said, I don't actually expect myself to go through with it, it's just a possbility I'm increasingly entertaining. I hate that though, because I know I've been here before and heard the same words. It's always been "a couple more years" and now I'm sort of wondering when a couple more years finishs. It's like the person who says "I'll do it tomorrow", of course tomorrow seems so close but never seems to come because it's always one step ahead. But yeah, it's just impossible to understand the idea that things always get better when you're not in a great position. you know, find something that makes you happy, and just do it. don't think about the things you don't have, but, rather, enjoy what you do. that sounds so cheesy, but it's practical, it works. Again, I think my want of a relationship is a little more than depersonalised. I know it's probably not a great idea to start any kind of serious relationship when I'm in this state of mind. I'm just craving the good things that go with it, mainly the good feeling when you're getting to know someone that feels stress free and awesome. I'm quite content here really. I'm confident that I've already been exposed a more than basic level of philosophies. Studying Philosophy at AS level did actually enlighten me to the world of philosophy despite what my exam paper says. Always, since I have to skoot off to college in a couple of minutes I'll give a basic description of my idea to do some creative writing. It's a pretty basic idea that utilises any kind of blogging service out there, the idea is to create a journal for a character that contains flat, formal stlye enteries and then underneith each entery you have more writing which acts as window to these events. The idea is that the entries are updated in accordance to the days that pass in the fantasy world, so anyone keeping up with the journal finds themself having a much more personal relationship with the character. This also allows for many plot devices and cliff hangers, especially if they haven't heard from the character in a couple of days =3
  4. I didn't really want to start out this rant with a sentance like the one I'm about to jump into but I can't think of another way to put it; I think I'm getting worse. Or maybe not worse, just different. Suicidal thoughts have reached an all time high (I should still point out that I don't have any intention on killing myself), increased urges to spill out every detail of my life to complete strangers, huge increase in wanting a romantic relationship, my appetite has all but gone and I've become extremely sensative to other people's emotions. I guess the first two are pretty self-explanitory, they're just an increase on something I already had. The second is a little more odd... Now I know it doesn't exactly sound odd to want a romantic relationship at the age of 18 but this is me, I thought I'd completely gone off the idea of romance. I don't even believe in love existing. To be honest I think this is just part of the last change in me, my sex drive has complely gone (it wasn't that high to begin with) to be replaced by a want of a relationship. I think this has also been triggered by the fact that for the first time I God knows hold long I've actually had a long conversation with someone I haven't met before. Up til now I've only had very brief encounters with new people that usually end no contact due to lack of interest. But that's pretty normal for me, I know I'm not easy to talk to because I'm never the one to inniciate the conversation. The people I do get on well with I usually get on very well with at that. I guess just having a long conversation with someone that actually wanting to talk to me reminded me of fonder times. Next on the list. As I said, I've noticed that my appetite is waning... It was never that active to begin with but now I find myself going hungry but without having any desire to eat at all. I usually end up eating one meal a day and maybe two glasses of water to drink, I know this probably isn't very good for me but so far it hasn't stopped me from doing anything. I'm just trying to figure out why I don't want to eat, it's not because of personal appearance. I generally don't worry about how my body looks to other people, even if still feel extremely unattractive I'm certainly not worried about getting fat. It's just odd. Onto the last piece of subject matter. As I say, I've become overly sensative to what other people feel. There's no way to put it into words, I just can't help but feel what other people feel, these usually aren't very positive emotion. It doesn't matter who it is really, I don't even have to know then, they could just be characters in a book but whoever it is I'm getting fired up or depressed over it at times. This itself just makes me annoyed and angry at myself, to think that I'm getting emotional and even a little attached to other people. I'm actually getting jealous over other people's successes, mainly in their love life/relationships. And lets make it clear, I hate jealously. It's a really screwy emotion that people only suffer because of. Again I tried to think of the source of this. I've started reading a lot more romantic doujin that normal but that doesn't seem like the cause of the problem, more of a by-product. I certainly don't see it as anything unhealthy. But you know, I guess I'm only left with one sneaking suspicion to the cause of all this. A part of me doesn't want to die. It's coming close to date I've planned to get all my problems out into the open and frankly I think I'm freaking out a little. Several times recently have I just wanted to scrap the whole idea and go back to leading my screwy little life in this place, even now that sounds really quite attractive. Quite naively I'm having to come to terms that sections of how I think might be fundamentally wrong, this is a little daunting because frankly my mind and everything inside is all I have. I've spent a long time trying to get my philosophies and out looks on life straight, to think that some of the bigger ones are flawed isn't something I like the sound of. It's difficult to explain now that I reread over what I just wrote. The bottom line is that I know I'm just setting myself up for more hard times, I just know no matter what I'm still going to be going this road alone, it's going to be long and hard and probably won't get any better until after a long hard slog. On a slightly more positive note I'm actually getting a bit of writing done. I started doing a little Role Playing at another message board, something I'm usually pretty good at because I don't have to think up every single little detail on my own. Saying that I have been playing with a new idea for some creative writing of my own, it's an interesting project to me but I won't go into it unless anyone actually wants to know.
  5. There is no evil, nor is there any good. They are concepts that we as humans made up so that we may apply them to objects and situations in a manner of generalisation. Nothing is good or evil by nature. Fluffy kittens aren't innately good, and savage wolves aren't innately evil, they just are. We may call someone a 'good person' but this, in my mind, is wrong, good people are still some how more than capiable of doing 'evil' things all the time. And visa versa. To me the idea of evil spirits or the devil working against humanity just sounds like a device to shift the blaim away from some people and onto some abstract concept.
  6. Pre-cum has a higher concentration of sperm in it than ejactulated cum. Just so you know.
  7. Oh well, I spent a while on and off over the last few days forming a few megre attempts at making a poem. I could never get past the second line without turning the entire exercise into a joke and thus deleating it all. I get extremely insecure about anything I write creatively and usually just deleate whatever I do come up with. Yeah, whatever. I haven't been eating that well lately so I don't have much of the energy I need to do another mini-rant I was planning on. I'll update later in the week.
  8. Okay, I know this sounds stupid but if you're pregnant I'm seriously going to be more reserved about my own sexual habits. If you've been using protection correctly and this has happened then that worries me to no end, if I were to get someone pregnant my life would be over. And I'm not even slightly joking when I say that.
  9. I've never even found it while fingering, not that I've searched. You're definitly not going to get your penis down that hole for sure.
  10. Blood flow to the penis also takes blood away from your other organs which will explain why you might feel queasy or uneasy before sex. The power of science!
  11. Well you're still young, a lot will happen in the next four years. Perhaps it doesn't seem like it but four years is a very long time while you're still a teenager. I don't want to offend you but it seems like a bit of a pipe dream to me, you don't even need to move to Japan to get a job working on manga. I assume that's what you want to get a job as, working on manga and doujinshi. It's certainly not called "comix" FYI. I just think you're approach to this idea isn't developed enough, it's not as simple as 'Move to Japan, Get a job, Forfill dreams.'
  12. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia / Sesquipedalophobia - Fear of long words. Best. Phobia. Ever. And no I don't have it, it just caught my eye. EDIT: Panophobia / Pantophobia - Fear of everything. Papaphobia - Fear of the Pope. Oh dear, I'm taking too much enjoyment out of this.
  13. Sounds like a much less extreme version of SCAT fetish. But it's the first time I've ever heard of it. I can't say it's exactly that appealing to me either...
  14. I don't think there's anything normal about your father. Don't think for a minute that he has any justification for his actions. Oh and good luck with the legal procedings.
  15. *Laughs* Yeah, I've been playing WoW pretty intensly on and off since the Beta version. I know how horribly addicting it is too, there's just something about it that makes you want to get to the next level or find that rare Scholomance drop. The only reason I've found myself stopping after a while was because I never had an account of my own, someone I know decided to share their account with me based on the fact they only used it on the weekend. Of course after they while they decided to stop playing and since I can't afford an account I had to stop playing too. I just realised I don't actually have a point here. I'm just going to say you're not alone in the slightest with your WoW addicton. People have left their families to continue playing this game, I'm quite serious about that, there's articles about it.
×
×
  • Create New...