Jump to content

bighair

Silver Member
  • Posts

    409
  • Joined

  • Days Won

    1

bighair last won the day on June 30 2007

bighair had the most liked content!

bighair's Achievements

Community Regular

Community Regular (8/14)

  • First Post
  • Collaborator
  • Conversation Starter
  • Week One Done
  • One Month Later

Recent Badges

11

Reputation

  1. batya - well, he would never tell a client that he'd call back for fear of losing the contract. and, i would not blow off a client either depending upon the circumstances. so, while i see the point you're trying to make, it's just not a realistic analogy. i think our partners expect us to be more flexible with them....and i'm willing to do that so long as it is reciprocal. if amos emailed me and said i'm thinking about you, sorry i've been out of touch, i'll call as soon as i can, just have a lot going on w. work....well, i can work with that (at this stage). i cannot, however, deal with his silence and inattentiveness.
  2. yes, i plan on telling amos how i end up feelin when he doesn't call me more often...something light like...hey i sure like talkin to you...it would be nice to hear from you more often. but, i plan on having the "talk" in may-ish. i want to say something like: you seem to be really busy and you don't have much time to get to know me. do you see that changing? i think it takes time for people to adjust their lives when a new person enters their lives. so, time will tell.
  3. Thanks for your responses. Hoss - I've thought about taking a break from on line dating. But, I am so ready to meet someone and the whole on line thing is nice because I am busy (like all of us) and I don't want to meet men in bars. I know that on line dating attracts a lot of ambivalent people, people who play games, or who are into cyber flirting, etc...But, I can't tell you how many people I've met who have meet their husbands and wives on line and happily married. So, I stay with internet dating because of all of these stories. I guess I am taking Amos' actions personally. It feels like a rejection. Somehow, I feel like if Amos liked me more or better, he'd want to see me. His on line profile is hidden by the way and has been since soon after we met. So, he isn't pursuing women on Match. I dated a single father for many years and know that courtship with a parent does not follow the traditional course. Their time is divided and the weekends w. their children are sacred. So, I didn't see my ex every weekend when we first got together. And, it took some time to see him when he had his son. So, I know that things with Amos will progress (if all goes well) this way too. but, what isn't cool with me is not taking the time to email or text me. I may be to blame for some of this because Amos liked to text me regularly but wasn't making a plan to see me (during the month of jan)...and, he cancelled a date to see me (because of work) and so i wrote an email to him saying that i'd prefer to spend time with as opposed to texting and to let me know when he's free to get together. then, we saw each other twice in feb and he called me to say hi as well. so, i do like him but i'm not willing to call him and ask him out. he has to initiate because, as i explained it feels like a rejection when he says he's too busy to see me. hope i've made sense.
  4. Hi There Friends - Well, about a week ago, I posted on this new man that I met on Match, Amos. He's 45, single dad, and trying to get a wireless tech enterprise off the ground. To recap, we met in Dec, had our first official date on Dec 23rd. I didn't see him duirng the month of January due to holidays, and I moved to a new home and had family here for a while. In the meantime, we'd exchange texts, emails and he'd call now and again. We saw each other again in early Feb. We had a good time. I got a V day card from him...that was nice. We were supposed to go to a mardi gras party together. Amos cancelled saying he had to work on a huge bid. He apologized profusely and ended up coming over that weekend with a bottle of wine. We had a nice time, held hands...very sweet. But, it has been so hard to see him after that. I sent him a couple of texts later that week and rec'd no response. Then, I sent an email a week after the date saying "hey, thinking about you, call me." he did call, we chatted. I said let me know when you're free to go out and stay in touch. He said he was busy the coming weekend because of his son's academic tournament and bday party. Sooooo, one week goes by and I call him to say hello because i haven't doen any of the calling. He calls me back the next evening as I'm walking back from the bus stop to my house after work. He explained that he got that contract (millions of dollars), that things had been crazy for him for the last few days btw. his kid and that contract, he had to go out of town, blah blah...I was congratualted him on the contract. NOw, I'm back home, holding my coat and brief case and asked if i could call in a few minutes after settling in. He said why dont I call you later when you're home because I'd like to make dinner. I said ok...call me back. That was tuesday evening. He never called me back. You know...I'm trying to be understanding here, and keep things in perspective. I haven't known him long. I can't have the "talk" with him. I"m sure he didn't call back because he was busy with the kid, work, the bid, the contract...but days have gone by. So, my friends think it's too soon to push on the where are we going thing, but, I 'd like to tell him that i'd like to talk more and the whole silence btw. meetings drives me crazy. so, i've decided not to call him any more. He really has to initiate with me. My gut tells me he is interested but doesn't have a whole lot of time and is struggling to juggle his responsibilities. At the same time, I like and I don't want to write him off because he has some great qualities that I like in a partner....and, because it's rather early, I'm willing to give it a little bit more time (may-ish) I worry that he isn't interested in me and doesn't know how to get out of this. I'm confused because of the V Day card, he does call....Ugh. My plan is to let him initiate, continue going out w. others. I get lonely, you know. Thanks for listening. Thoughts are appreciated.
  5. Hello All: My LTR ended last April. We dated for nearly 7 years. He and I broke up because he said he did not want to get married or have children in the near future. It was terrible as break ups often are. We were committed to each other in every way. OUr families had met each other a few times. My ex sometimes mentioned marriage and starting a family when we were together. When we broke up, he said that "we didn't want the same things...that he isn't interested in marriage, or even living w. a woman...or having a baby with me. ABout year prior to our break up, I moved to another state about 150 miles away thinking that would get my ex to commit to me. So, we now live in separate states. My ex still works at the same place we met and I hear about him now and again from common friends. After we broke up, I called him here and there because I was angry and confused about our relp. I was just in a state of shock when we broke up. I didn't understand why he had a problem with marriage. I felt so angry, mislead and confused. I called him last Labor Day because we usually spent it together at his family's vacation home. I started crying and I asked him if ever loved me and if the years meant anything to him. He said he did and that it all meant something. He has not called me at all since the break up....it has been nearly a year and my ex of 7 years, hasn't even slipped once and called me. I'm doing my best to move forward. I have been dating since the break up. There is one man I really like, and I"ve written about him in the dating forum. We're still very new and there isn't much to report there yet. I am, however, keeping my options open and accepting dates from various suitors. I recently purchased a new home. I guess I"m in a better place than I was at the time of the split. I'm coming up on the year anniversary of the break up. I feel hurt when I think about the fact that my ex threw away our 7 years and didn't want to marry. He has a son who is 11 and I miss the little guy too. He was like my own child. I think about his boy a lot. But, I miss my ex still. And, I miss talking to him. We were friends and had a lot in common. Sometimes, I just want to call him and ask how he's doing and how is boy is doing. There are things I'd like to tell him about me, my life, my job...etc... So, is it too soon to call? I worry that we will argue. Have you ever just wanted to call your ex and just chit chat like you would w. a friend? I worry that he will think I want to get back together with him when that isn't the case....although, I'm not sure if I want to be friends with him at this point. Thanks for listening.
  6. Yeah...but it's a break up. There are always hard feelings. You avoided the conflict to protect yourself. I think you justify your behavior by telling yourself you were doing it to protect her. Why not just be honest with someone? It's hard to say, it's hard to hear. But, people end up staying in relationships for a long time, wasting their precious time, because their partners hate conflict and don't want to be up front about their own feelings. So, why not try to be authentic in your relationships? Don't you want the woman in your life to be up front with you? Or, you'd like her to do what you did....behave badly to the point you break up with her. Come on, it's so lame and immature.
  7. I think there is a way to break up with someone so as not to hurt them terribly. But, I disagree with you that you put her out of her misery. You weren't honest with her or with yourself. So, again, you didn't this for her. You did it so you could way away without feeling guilty.
  8. HOw did she go psycho on you? I don't think you really cared about her heart. You behaved this way because you couldn't handle having a conflict with her. You didn't want the "scene." The questions, the crying, the point in a relationship where you have to be authentic and honest and own it.
  9. Does the submarine sailing mean you had sex with her? Sorry...not familiar with this euphamism. So, when did you decide your feelings for her weren't that strong? Before or after you were physically intimate? She is coming on strong to you because you two have had sex and she thinks you have feelings for her. Why does it scare you that she is showing her affection for you? I'm sorry for laying into you like this and asking tough questions. But, as a woman, I've been on the other side of this. I become physically intimate with a man, and he pulls back because he is scared...scared of intimacy, commitment, going to fast, it's too intense. So, if I were you, I"d take responsibility for your part in all of this. You like her, you pursued her, you had sex with her and now you've changed your mind about her because you are scared of a commitment. So, own your part in this, and expect her to be pissed off. This girl likes you and you led her to believe the feelings were mutual. Finally, I'd do some serious soul searching. Are you only interested in the pursuit of a woman? Is a woman less attractive to you when she shows interest? Does the intimacy of sex frighten you? Like I said, sorry to be so heavy handed but you wanted honesty, right?
  10. Caro - Your post cracked me up. The funny thing is that I have a thing about lawyers who are academics and have never really practiced law. You know...they teach law, write about it, but have never been in the trenches. REsearch is very, very important but I do think that some academics don't have enough of a clinical approach to their subject areas. I have also met plenty of PHds and other academic types who are, quite frankly, rather full of themselves and come accross as intellectual snobs. I know someone who met her husband on Match. She's a Phd and only wanted to meet other Phds...in fact, no other grad degree would do. She kept her profile hidden and when she searched, she narrowed the parameters down to men w. Phds. I also have a friend who has a law degree (JD) and is also getting a PHd because she thoought her JD just wasn't academic enough. My friend has never ever represented a client!!!!! I have friends who not date men w. children because of the baggage factor. These men could have a PhD, MD, JD and makes lots of money but they would be eliminated as a dating prospect based on parental status. I don't have a problem with that. I would never not give someone a chance because he was a parent. I think you get to see your future partner in a very important role: as parent. If you're like me, and want a baby, you wanna know that your man is good at it. So,I guess it just comes back to the person, and how people will work together in a relationship and what you're willing to compromise on.
  11. Amos called me today! He told me that he has been quite busy with his son. His son is competing in some kind of academic tournament next weekend. He had to spend this past weekend getting him ready for it. Amos said that it's hard for him to do much of anything else when he has his child because he wants to do things wtih him. WEll, what can I say. he's a good dad, and i certainly don't want to date a deadbeat dad. Anyway, we chit chatted and had a nice conversation. I told him to stay in touch with me and to le tme know when he was free to go out. He told me that this weekend would be difficult because of the academic tournament and his son's bday party is on Sunday. He did say, however, that he wanted to go out again. Well, dating a single parent...it's the way it is. So, we'll see what happens but i wanted to share this w. you guys.
  12. Hello Cats - My LTR ended last April and I have been dating on line. I'm an attorney and my ex is too. He and I met at work. I make it very clear in my on line profile that I want to meet someone with a Bachelors degree. I receive emails from men with less than than, ie, an associates and high school diploma. I have many thoughts on this subject because I, like you, have been trying to figure out what matters to me. I briefly dated someone who was a professional ballet dancer and then became a sound engineer when he aged out of professional dancing. He did not finish college. He dropped out to join a dance company. He made a good living...about 90K...Not bad for someone who didn't graduate. He and I didn't work out because he turned out to be a major commitmentphobe. I then exchanged some emails with someone who got a college degree, and recently left his public school teacher job to start his own business. He cancelled dates on me 3 times but the last time he did, he said he had to powerwash someone's deck and couldn't turn down the work. It just bothered me that he needed money that badly...he's 40. Look, I'm not independently wealthy either...i need to work. Ultimately, i told him i wasn't interested in seeing him because of his date cancellations and ambivalence. But, I have to tell you that the fact he's marginally employed bother me. I then briefly dated someone with a BA and lived in a small town in PA and had absolutely no ambition. He's 38 and decided he would retire from his job, live in this conservative, whitebread town forever... I came from an immigrant family...i wasn't born in the U.S. This man never took any interest in learning about my culture. I knew I couldn't have a LTR w. him because of his very narrow outlook on life. He would say things like...."i'm too old now to have a kid...and you're getting up there too...you're too old to do that. (i'm 37)." I knew I coudln't share my life w. someone who was so limited in his thinking. I recently started seeing someone who is a few years older than me and has a graduate degree in engineering. I met him on line and he made it very clear in his profile that Education is important to him and does some volunteer work for education charities. He wanted to meet someone who has an education. I find that we have a lot in common and we share the same ethnicity. Who knows how things will play out. I tell you all of these stories because education is important to me as well. But, I've met some people on line and our relationship failures were caused by a real lack of compatability on some issues like commitment, world views and lifestyle. It really depends on the person...or, the people, I should say. I think you have to figure out if education is something you are willing to compromise on. HOpe this helps.
  13. Hey Guys - Thanks for all of the responses. I guess I"m surprised by how many posted since it seems like such a insignificant subject. Ladybugg - I dated a single parent for nearly 7 years. I remember our early days because I couldn't see him every weekend because of parenting time. Also, he would cancel plans, at times, at the last minute, becuase of his kid or his ex. Yeah...flexibility is the key here. So, I get what's going on w. Amos when it comes to his kid. The fact of the matter is the relationship has to be on the single parent's terms. When is he free? does he have child care? can we go away that week in the summer? Where are we spending the holiday? Who has him for Thanksgiving and Xmas? I'm also a family lawyer so I have been down this scheduling nightmare w. my own clients. Yeah, redqueen, I've thought the same things: you could make time out of your busy schedule to send a text or email. Technology has made it so that you never have to pick up the phone. I've also thought that if he really liked me, he'd make time for me....I guess the thing is that life and people are far more complicated so that these black and white "rules," just don't apply accross the board. When I packed up and moved ot my new home, I didn't talk to Amos for like 10 days. We only resumed contact after he sent me a text after the big moving day. So, like Batya, said, we all get busy with or without kids..... So, right now, I don't know that he is no longer interested. I think things are moving slowly which is not a bad thing. Since my break up, I've met some losers who claim to be falling for me early on in the rel only to flake and run away later. My struggle is keeping my impatience and anxiety in check. Having said all that, Amos should have responded to my texts (assuming he got them)...although there was one time we had a tech breakdown and i didn't receive his texts...and, I'd like him to call me more often in between dates....He's done that before...So, when the time is right, I"m going to tell him how all of this makes me feel. If he's mature, he'll respond in a supportive fashion. Thanks again for your responses. I'll keep y'all posted.
  14. Hey, I feel your pain....we've all been where you're at...I think you should let her call you. If you like this girl, then by all means, pursue her. Dental school is insanely busy. I'm not a dentist...I'm a lawyer and when I was in law school, I had a very hard time thinking about anything but school. I was always surprised when I get asked out on dates because I was so stressed about studies and getting good grades and just freaking passing. so, let this one breathe a while. you've left messages. you don't want to come accross as needy or desperate. you wouldn't want someone in your face asking you out all the time do you? as far as asking her to be your GF, well, like I said, you've got to let go a little bit and just see what happens. I've seen relaitionships move at very different paces. Just relax a little bit and enjoy the ride. What will be will be!
  15. Hi Guys - Thanks for your responses. Yes, it does totally suck..the whole should I call, shouldn't I call? did he get my message? here's the things about my new friend..he always resumes contact (thus far)....i don't know that he's not interested because he send me a V Day card first...i mean..i didn't send him one because i wasn't sure if we were there yet...and, he initiated the date at my place (movie watching) and brought the wine...he's the one the held my hand....i'm going insane. tomorrow will be one week. i'll see what happens. in the past, i know my new friend gets back in touch after a weekend w. his kid....will keep you posted...back to the Oscars.
×
×
  • Create New...