Moof

It just sucks because I really wanted this to work out. But I can't tolerate the controlling behavior; upset about me hanging out with friends, being on my phone, accidentally glancing in the direction of another women at the gym, selfish tendencies, threatening to kick me out. The threat to kick me out repeatedly is nuclear and I'm terrified that If I were to of let that slide, similar threats could be made for other, more invested things such as a theoretical home that we owned, kids, bank accounts. I appreciated the apology and feel sorry for what happened into her in the past, but It just felt like a stab in the back and for the reasons I outlined above, I ended up loosing trust. Especially after the fire. I'm stewing in my emotions with the classics of "what if I gave her another chance" "would it have been better if we gave it a chance on neutral grounds" I really hoped that we could've made it out of this temporary situation and made it to neutral territory, but then the nuclear option was used and it was incredibly hurtful and dissapointing. I had been in a controlling relationship several years ago that I allowed to continue through a second chance and it burned me even harder later, I did not want to make that mistake here. Which also has me now wondering why I'm attracting this type, something I need to think about. I'm hoping the heartbreak passes and I can find some clarity. In my mind I believe it was the right choice, but my heart thinks differently.

It was a difficult conversation she apologized and said that she had a previous relationship where she was cheated on and the phone thing triggered her and she was irrational. I accepted the apology and stood firm. Explaining that there was an absence in trust and compassion and that we aren’t compatible in the long term. I feel like ***. but it was telling some of the closing remarks of “So you never loved me?” “Thanks for wasting the last year of my life” “Thanks for breaking up with me on the phone” “Thought you said we could work it out, so you lied about?” some of those lines are telling.. Bottom line, as explained in this thread, I didn’t see the behavior changing and I cannot be her therapist. I did not want to regret this down the line Too many red flags.

Thank you all, I really appreciate the insight. This has been so challenging with everything on my plate. I've never felt this weak before. She's made a couple attempts to contact me in this short time, even using the L word.. I really could've just use the space to think things through.. But I may need to follow through with the decision to walk away soon. As everyone state, this type of behavior doesn't get better and I owe it to myself to be fight for what I deserve. It just sucks.

Thanks for the feedback. We had laid out some framework for an eventual move in together. So a little more on that… This was to be further discussed once I figured out what the insurance company was going to do for my damaged house and the time it would take to either fix it up or sell as-is. It’s still early in that process so the timing is still nebulous. And with the supply chain and labor shortages, It’s looking like 9 months.. then selling. There were some additional arguments about timing since her lease ends mid summer, but with the unknowns of the timing of all this since there are so many factors at play that are out of my control. We even discussed her moving into this temporary house to account for overlap if needed. I even brought her to the showing to further a team aspect to all this and asked for her opinion which she was fine with. The insurance company is providing rental furniture at this property that is equal to what I had before. Standard stuff like tv, tv stand, bed, guest bed, dinning room table and couch. However, when I mentioned to her about the guest bed, she got upset and asked why, I stated that they are offering me the same set of furniture that I had before and it’s nice to have a guest bed in case a friend or something comes over and needs to stay the night. She was as upset by this saying that I’m prioritizing my friends. And that she would not have space for her furniture since the house is getting fully furnished by the insurance company. I understand that to a degree, but I explained that I was just agreeing to the same set that I had before , I would be in the house a few months before she would, if she even needed to be, and thought that since this is a large 1,800 square foot 4 BR rental house, the rental furniture could be moved around, stored in the basement, stuffed in one of the many rooms or recalled. I understand and told her that I should’ve looped her into the rental furniture discussion. That was my mistake. I think this part could of have aided to the overall sentiment. This whole situation has moved so fast and it’s been hard to think everything through with all the stress.

Thanks for the response. I had not shared information with her about that past relationship. This site was never mentioned. What is done is done there and I learned a big lesson that I did not repeat this time. This time, although clearly not a success, I led with frequent communication and honesty. No games or secret online chats. I’m not sure either what to make of that ominous comment, but I’m more so guessing that she had gone through every female in my IG and combed for my likes, which she would not find anything recent.

Thank you all for the advice. I moved in with my parents this morning. Last night we tried to talk and she mentioned that I’m acting differently. I explained that I’m still traumatized by the fire at my house and I’m trying to process the stress, and apologized for any odd vibes or energy. And that I hoped to be in a better place soon. I’m starting to think that she isn’t being empathetic to my situation. She became upset when I used the restroom this morning and questioned whether I was on my phone. Which I was for a brief moment… I was checking the news and the hours of my vet because my dog had become under the weather. Upon leaving, I mentioned that we had been setup to fail to a degree with the way the incident (fire at my house) happened and led to our cohabitation. I said that perhaps some time apart, with cool heads, we could take a breathe and reconnect soon and see if we can work things out. She basically said “I’m going to assume that we’re broken up”, I mentioned “I’m not closing the door but it is apparent we both could use a little space, and I will reach out in the next couple days”. She replied “go be on your phone and party with your friends” To note. I’m not a party guy. My friends and I are computer nerds that hang out once a month or every month to play video games. Occasionally we will go to a metal concert but that is rare especially during the pandemic. I had even brought her to the last one where she was visibly not having a good time (which is fair). We know each other from high school and shared similar interests such as gaming, camping, fitness and dogs. We both can be a little hot headed and have introverted qualities. Things had been seemingly going well through the holidays. I took the initiative to introduce her to friends and family and planned camping trips and a recent vacation in Vegas. This trip to Vegas was when the tone changed. We had experienced some delays and set backs during the trip which added stress. I got the impression that she was not into vegas, as she (and myself to a degree) are introverted. The attitude was very negative from All the walking and people. I totally understand it, Vegas isn’t for everyone. One activity we did in Vegas that we both enjoyed was going to a gun range. At the gun range we took pictures with the guns. I had posted a picture of myself with a weapon at the range on Instagram. Several people commented, including a couple female friends that she hadn’t met. And that I haven’t talked to in several years. Another thing to note is I don’t post frequently and have posted pictures with her both at Vegas and over the holidays prior to this post. During one of our recent arguments, she had pulled up one of these girls instagram accounts and pointed out a picture that I liked from 2017… long before we started dating and said “I know you were probably single during this time but can you tell me about her”. I replied that it was a friend from a while ago that I’m not in contact with and lives now in New York. I was kind of alarmed by this to a degree as I replied “so are you going through my instagram now?” She replied “I know more than you think”. Again, while we have been dating, I have not talked to other girls, cheated or lied to her. This particular incident seems to be the genesis of this behavior. In addition, she did ask me randomly one night recently if I “talk about her to my friends” which I definitely do not. I keep things in house and respect her enough not to.

Sorry for any confusion. I meant "kick me out" not physically kick me.

I (34) experiencing trust issues with phones by (33) girlfriend Hello in a bit of a rough spot. I have been dating my girlfriend for about a year. Earlier this month, my house caught fire and I have been displaced. My girlfriend was kind enough to let me stay with her this month. I’m moving into temporary housing beginning of next month. Since I’ve moved in, we have been encountering issues living together. I know this is a traumatic and not ideal scenario to abruptly move-in with your girlfriend, temporarily. Most nights we end up bickering about minor things, who left the bathroom door open, who got breadcrumbs on the tables. But one thing that has been a big issue is phone use. When I moved in, I had been using my phone frequently to talk with my insurance company, lawyers, contractors, real estate agents. In addition, a lot of friends have been reaching out to show their support via text, email and calls. All this phone use has become an issue with my girlfriend. She had been making sly commentary on the usage. Mind you, she uses her phone frequently, maybe more so than me. Immaturely, I started throwing it back at her when I noticed she was on her phone. But after a few instances I realized this was unhealthy and expressed that we stop jabbing each-other on phone use. The criticism continued, even as I laid of the phone time, to the point where I tried to avoid this commentary by not using my phone in her presence. When she would use the rest room, I would use my phone and et.. Naively, this has back-fired, she has become convinced that I’m being shady and hiding something with the “secretive” phone use. I get that appearance but I’m not cheating or being dishonest, I even understand it. Not the best call but I really wanted to avoid the criticism. To solve, I agreed to not do this behavior. The other night we were hanging out on the couch. She got off the couch to do some stretches and foam rolling. During this, I was bored, and checked my phone (she was just a couple feet in front of me).She was aggravated and told me that I’m not changing my behavior and being shady. I was annoyed and told her that it was purely coincidence and I had jumped on my phone briefly to check my email, not to be malicious and did not mean to do it behind her back. She then asked why I didn’t do it on the couch while she was still sitting next to me. I told her it was just an impulse. I then presented her with my phone and told her to look through it so we could settle the fact that I’m not doing anything behind her back. She refused and threatened to kick me out. This morning, I tried to be understanding and that I work to not give that appearance but we also needed to work on trust since it’s clearly not there and I didn’t do anything to prove untrustworthy. She was unresponsive and now I feel stuck. I’m in a position where if I get criticized if I use my phone in front of her and even more so when she is not present. I feel silly arguing about this and I’m trying to be empathetic. The worst Part is the constant threats to kick me, I do know that’s her right and I would respect it, but it makes me feel powerless. Any advice on approach.