Neruda20

We are both responsible for the demise of our relationship. I made you my idol. I became clingy, needy, and started smothering you out of fear of losing you. That was not fair to either of us. More importantly, I was not at a place where I could help you grow in the faith. More often than not, my love was misdirected and I pulled you down to appease my fleshy desires. I am so sorry for that and now I only wish I had honored and protected you better. I truly wish you had dated the man that I became in our time apart. Whether you want to admit it or not, you emotionally cheated. You chose to have heart-to-heart conversations with Thomas and to go to him when you wanted to talk about something at the expense of our relationship. You chose to feed your crush when you were talking to Thomas like he was your partner every day. I have forgiven you. I have moved on. I do hope you learn from this and are cautious with how you handle affective relationships going forward. When we broke up, I was absolutely devastated. You have to understand that I lost not just the person I was completely in love with, but the person who was my best friend in every single way. When you leave a relationship to almost immediately jump into another, I want you to understand the toll it takes on a person, both mentally and emotionally. The individual you left feels like they aren't good enough or were never good enough for your love. They feel as if they never had a chance, completely and utterly invisible to how much significance they serve in your life. No matter what they do to prove how much they care about you, it just never seems to be enough. Their value of self-worth becomes less and less as each day goes by, knowing that they were replaced and no longer your favorite person. But through the heartache comes strength and I have you to thank for that. Even though it was some of the most difficult times of my life, I learned the greatest lesson about myself, most importantly about my heart. When I tried to fight for you, I thought I was doing it to not only get you back but to save my heart from any more heartache. What I actually learned was how strong my heart became. I realized that it's so important to follow your heart, no matter where it may lead you.

My grandmother felt it was important to call me to tell me that Christina and Tarek El Moussa are back together. Took me a solid 10 minutes to figure out what in the world she was talking about.

It’s been one year since I felt you pulling away and preparing to end our relationship. One year ago, you visited my family I. Atlanta, but you were so distant and disengaged. You spent more time texting “your friend” then getting to know my family. Somehow, he made his way into every conversation and when you spoke of him it was pure infatuation. One year ago I dropped you off at the airport, then sat inthe parking lot and cried knowing that was the last time you would willingly be with me. One year ago, you began breaking my heart only to leave me where I found you.

I have an account. My first public school friend (Ben) and his on-again, off-again girlfriend throughout secondary school (Carol) had one of the most devastating breakups that I have ever heard of. There was begging, pleading, accusations, etc. at the end. By the time they were midway through college, they avoided each other at all costs. Two years ago, they married and recently welcomed their first child into the world. They are one of the happiest couples that I have ever seen. When I reached out to Carol not too long ago with my own story, she shared the following with me. Maybe it will help ease some of your anxiety or inspire some of you. Her words: "Let me tell you, if Ben and I can reconcile and make it work after all that happened, anyone can! I have hope for you! We were broke up for about 3.5 years before we got back together and got married. During the 3.5 year break, we only spoke a handful to times. We ended getting back together because of some intervention my sister. We were both too stubborn and my sister was the only one with any balls to make it happen. Don't give up hope!"

I have dreamt of you for the last two nights. In the first one, you took me back to MLK weekend where you made me feel so small and insignificant. In the second one, you made me feel all the love that I believed we had. I’m tired of seeing you in my dreams - feeling everything you have ever made me feel - only to awaken to a reality that you chose for the both of us.

I really miss you tonight. Despite my best efforts, I can’t stop loving you.

I didn't call you on your birthday (yesterday), because I want to respect your request to the upmost degree. I am giving you space to explore things with your new guy. I still thought of you, and I prayed that this next year would be your best yet.