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lilac_indi

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About lilac_indi

  • Birthday 04/10/1985

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  1. Hi all. As some of you may remember I was having a lot of problems gaining weight. I am following my three meals a day plan (with great difficulty) and I have managed to get to just over 92 pounds now. Although that is a good thing, there are other things which seem to be telling me something different. During the last month or so, my chest pain has spread from just the left side to both and its a throbbing pain where I feel like my chest is being compressed. This maybe due to lack of eating but I suffered 2 minor seizures 4 days apart and Im feeling constantly tired still despite eating a lot more than I used to. I just hope I can this sorted out when I go to the health centre that SWA told me to go to. Im sick of feeling like this and I hope I havent left it too late
  2. Thanks Annie, I am trying to eat three meals a day which has helped me to get just over 92 pounds which I am very chuffed about. I am focusing a lot more on my studying while making regular visits to my counsellor which has helped me a lot. Whenever I do feel down I do try and do anything else rather than self harm which is hard but I havent done it since I got back from India. Things have been very heavy this past week, especially regarding my mum who called me a b**** for not drying the dishes and bringing up the whole incident with my ex due to it and there is just a new drama which seems to be happening each day and Im getting tired of being blamed for it. Hence my decision to get out.
  3. Good for you. You are seeing this flat tomorrow right?? Good luck with that!!
  4. Thanks Annie24. I have had support from a lot of friends not just from this site but at uni amongst other places who knocked some sense into me and tell me that this is not the life I have to live. I can change it if I really want to. I have realised that no matter what I do now they are not going to change their beliefs or attitudes so it is best to just get out. My exams are in January and I am so dreading them, which means studying through the xmas hols..great but I am a lot happier than I was just over a month ago. I still go through those days where I just sit in my room and cry, it feels great to just let my emotions out without resorting to self harm like I did before. Thanks to everyone who supported me.
  5. Thank you. I am amazed at my current attitude and I honestly hope it will last me. I am doing a bit better health wise as it went down hill 2 months ago. Suffered 2 minor seizures within 4 days a month ago which I have never had in my life but I am also going to get my health sorted this Wednesday. I am up to 92 pound which is a great achievement for me. I hope to God this continues.
  6. I havent been here in a while and to be honest its done me some good. I am getting my life back into order and things seem to be looking up for me. I have decided to get independent - finally. I am going to move out after graduation next July which gives me plenty of time to plan things out and make it fool proof so my family will not try to restrain me in any way. I am going to do this with or without their blessing - enough is enough. I figure if I do it after graduation I will not have any long term commitments which means I can leave Glasgow which is my aim. If I leave now then that means my education will get disrupted and I cannot risk that with my exams around the corner. I am going to claim back my year's wages that my parents took off me, just over £4000 in fact since that account is still in my name and that should be enough to support me for some time. I have been seeing my counsellor at university regularly and he has been brilliant in helping me face my problems and it just feels good to openly talk to someone who I know will not judge me. I called Scottish Womens Aid just over a week ago and I have arranged an appointment with them for this Wednesday coming. Now that I am determined to get my life back, I rarely have suicidal thoughts and I have stopped self harming. Looking back at myself a couple of months ago I had accepted my current situation as my fate and I felt I couldnt fight it. There is a limit to everything and my family are pushing me to the edge. I am doing something now and I couldnt be happier, my family's words dont affect as much because I know now that I am doing something to beat this. Im finally getting out.
  7. Welcome back Dani, glad u are ok. u had us all worried. just take it easy and enjoy ur time as a mummy. congrats and great to see u r on the mend. Indi
  8. ok im nt gna update anymre. im leavin ena for good this time n i aint evr gna come bak. ive gone beyond the carin stage so i really cudnt care less if ma next attack kills me or nt. sorry for wastin everyone's time.
  9. well im back and my life pretty much sucks still. ive gone a bit black(ish) and im covered with insect bites i had an attack on the plane but thankfully it wasnt bad, i didnt even bat an eyelid so it was ok. i cant remember much about this holiday, thats how great it was. all i remember is crying myself to sleep everynight. friday 13th had to be the worst though. it was the night before my cousin's wedding and there was a little party that was going on. after it ended i assumed i was goin back to my nana's house cause thats where all my things were. my mum grabbed me by my wrist and dragged me into the house followed by my sister. i got shoved into a little room where my sister grabbed me by my jaw. i pushed her hand away and she said "dont you dare retaliate". i just stood there in fear. she asked me where the hell i thought i was going and with who's permission. i just stood there and didnt say anything. she asked "do you want me to rip your tongue out?". she then asked why i was avoiding mum and she said she saw me cry and that if i ever *** with mum she will *** me 20 times over and she will really give me a reason to cry. mum then started to cry and called me a *** and said i cant be her daughter. she then put her hands around my jaw and said to my sister she wished she could smash my face in and that she didnt care if she went to jail for it. my sister then grabbed my jaw again and brought her face close to mine "i know more about you and fraser than anyone else and i wont hesitate to tell everyone" that night was torture, thankfully i went back to my nana's and luckily i got a room to myself. ive never cried soo much in my life and i re-lived everything again and gave myself another attack. im restraining myself from self harming and my thoughts are getting more suicidal - life is just peachy
  10. ok i think this is going to be my last post for now. i feel soo dumb. ive cried 5 times in total today. i feel like an idiot. dunno how im going to cope but i will try.
  11. she has been like that since day one. a control freak. she has got a lot worse because i started dating and i had it drilled into my head that "indian girls dont do that" - i did the unthinkable so to speak. i will actually end up throwin her off the plane or maybe put sleeping pills in her food not sure which one to go with yet. truth is she wont let me grow up. everytime i show some independence she takes it away from me - she wants to groom me to be good for an arranged marriage. an ideal daughter-in-law. yeah rite - i will slit ma wrists before i go for an arranged marriage. she can go to hell
  12. im goin to india to attend 2 weddings - both cousins. i cant be * * * *ed. the only reason i gained 4 pounds is cos i ate 3 meals both sat n sun plus i had snacks in between. its amazing what time away from my mum did to me that weekend heh. 12 hrs on a plane wi her - that thought is makin ma hair fall out lol. i dont know wot im gna do for 12 hrs on that effin flight. ive charged my ipod and im going to take a book to read. i just hope i cn get thru that flight without throttlin her cos she always manages to get under ma skin. she treats me like im 12, im an adult when it suits her, i should learn to cook and wash dishes - what will my in-laws think?! purleeeease! at least in india i can escape her n do ma own thing wi ma cousins. lets c wot happens
  13. please do..or i can help you search for it
  14. im thinkin of throwin maself down the stairs - do u think that wud help? a few broken bones will get me out of india!!!!
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