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11moreweeks

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  1. Wow. Coming back here for a message after having a fling of a couple months blow up, naturally triggering thoughts of whether or not I want to contact you again...I'm able to look back at my last message almost 5 months ago and realize how much things keep changing. Cleaning the holes in my heart, and now actually healing them, has been amazing. I'm in the process of identifying new holes in my heart to clean up, maybe holes which you already saw and which I could not in that previously described snowy glare of light that you shined on me -- and which may have equally been hidden in the shadowy darkness that emanated from within the holes. And so the path and job continues...I once again can only hope that your own path is going as well as it can.
  2. Three and a half years. A lot has changed. Of the many holes in my heart, the one left by you is probably the cleanest now. I still feel the presence of the hole, and I've begun to accept that I always will. My time with you showered me with light, from both inside and outside of my body, and while the light would sometimes shine through the holes in my heart, it still did more than I think you will ever know in illuminating me -- I hope you recognize your strength in that context. There was of course the downside that the light would produce such a strong, snowy glare that the holes were hidden in blinding light. I'm in the process of cleaning the other holes in my heart which arose from two lineages of intergenerational traumas, and while it's extraordinarily painful, I know that I still have to do this. This will be what is best for myself, my family, my friends, and my communities. There exist new tunnels in my world shining lights towards me, though for now, many of them shine right through the holes in my heart. I will continue working on this, and I will continue to heal...from everything. As for you, all I can do is wish the modern you general well-being from across the many boundaries of space and time. No one deserves to suffer in this life, but suffering begets suffering, and I hope that whatever holes may exist in your heart do not remove the light from you and your social network.
  3. I always wonder if you're trying to get in contact with me whenever you're around the corners. If you are, then just e-mail me or something. You only have a few months left before my life changes in such permanent ways and I sever what little ties you can even access me with. Speak now or forever hold your peace.
  4. It was nice talking to you today. I'm pretty afraid, though. I don't know what I want. Do you?
  5. So close to my birthday. Will this be the first time since 2009 where you weren't a part of my birthday? I do hope I hear from you, I really do. I'm afraid of being hurt and of what comes if we speak again, though.. I hope you're doing well.
  6. I really hope we can have a conversation again, sometime soon. I feel like we can be friends again, although admittedly I have these unresolved questions about what you do or could mean to me.
  7. Dear **, So, I found out that he boyfriend-busted somebody else, some girl he had been abusing/manipulating for years. I found out that her reasons for breaking up with someone were basically identical to what you were telling me for your reason. All those made-up incompatibilities, the lies about who I am/was and everything.. **, he lied to you. :/ You should have just talked to me about everything. What a waste. I want this drama past me.
  8. And so I've found out that you definitely were manipulated and lied to this entire time, though the extent to which is something I can't know.. That is the worst possible news I could have heard. I knew it was possible...but I'm so disappointed. Nothing made sense, but your actions still remain your own, and now I lead a different life. I just want to vomit.. we never had to end..
  9. I want to so badly to break no contact just so that I can tell you that you are beautiful. And so I will say it here. **, you are beautiful.
  10. Hey. I wanted to check up on you. You've been in my thoughts a lot, and I hope you're doing well. But...in truth, I really miss you. I don't really remember what you look like, but I know you're still beautiful. I don't really know what you've been up to, but I know you're still so smart and so creative. I don't really know who you are anymore, but I know you're still perfect just as you are. Just stay safe. I truly hope you're happy.
  11. It will always be your job, not just to make contact, but to even have a conversation, to do anything with each other, or to even get me to close down the walls I built around my heart that appear only in response to you. You were the dumper. You defined the end of everything. You chose the situation, and if you wanted any remotely different situation, even having things not be on "bad terms", then you would have to choose and work towards that. I don't know if I will keep you blocked on my phone still.. but even so, that is the only place you are blocked. I only blocked you because you were choosing to hurt me with these selfish, nuisance texts of no value.. I still have such a strong desire to bring you joy, but you made it blatantly clear that you don't want me to do that. If you felt or wanted anything different, you would communicate that clearly. It's so frustrating, though. In the end, I was right about everything on my end. My mental health and the causes of it, my home situation and where it was headed. And in the end, all the work I was putting towards getting through this worked. In the same way, all the work I was putting in towards our late relationship and towards your well-being was going to come to fruition as well. I wish you had just put the amount of trust and faith in me as I put in you, but I guess you never really deserved it.
  12. Getting that dumb thought that I should unblock you. After all, it would have been our anniversary soon, and the day I would have wanted to talk to you about maybe getting married. But... if you had something you wanted to say, then you'd say it, and I am in no position to say anything, because you chose to leave me and you chose to date someone else. Just know that I'm thinking about you.
  13. Happy birthday. I have two things I wish I could tell you. 1: I do still feel sorry for forgetting your birthday multiple times. I hope you can understand that it had nothing to do with you nor how I felt about you, but simply how birthdays always are for me. I've forgotten my own birthday perhaps more times than I have remembered. You deserve to feel special on your birthday -- everyone does on their birthday. 2: I'd wanted to make this birthday a really special one for you. After so many years of things being hard for us (and consequentially, you), of having to deal with life on your birthday, and and so on... I'd been intending for years to get you the dog you always wanted. Stay safe; stay well; stay happy; stay you.
  14. You were wrong. You had your chance. You blew it. You are blocked. Goodbye.
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