Dicard

I just want to know why you did this again, why you got back with me so you break up again? What do I mean to you? Once again you told me you wanted to be with me , you were sorry for the first time you break up, that you didnt know what happened in your mind to do that, like was someone else inside you. But you did it again, the same reasons. You told me the exact same words, with the same face looking away from me. Look deep inside of you, what're you doing with your life and what you did now. In the future I hope you get it together, and I'll move forward. I want you to understand you can't take me for granted again and use me.

Me and my ex were together for 4 years. Broke up in April 2017, 5 months later we were back together, but not for long. She broke up with me because she wanted space, meet new people and she just wanted to understand herself more. We always had ups and downs, many times she wanted to break up with me even though she still liked me but some things weren't working for her, like sexual attraction for me. So in April she couldn't handle it anymore and broke up with me and I accepted, but I was devastated. The next day after that, I got to know that she brought some guy home and had sex, like it was nothing. I was in hell, we didn't talk for 1 week, no contact at all. After that we slowly started talking, and talking and we were now talking everyday like friends we once were before. I even slept in her house (same bed) every week, because she wanted to or because I just asked since I couldn't handle my emotions. Deep inside I knew since the day she broke up with me, that she eventually would come back, maybe the reasons she said, the way she talked, I don't know but I knew that we would get back. So we just kept talking with eachother everyday, I suffered because I knew she was talking and seeing other people but I was determined and knew that this was the way to get what I wanted, even though I saw everywhere and everyone told me to keep no contact, etc etc. 5 months after and we got back together, we had sex and was wonderful. She in the beggining wanted to be friends with benefits with me and I accepted, because I knew this was the way to get what I wanted, a serious relationship like before. The next day she told me she was testing me with the "friends with benefits" talk, because she really wanted was a serious relationship like me. I was in heaven. Well long story short, we broke up again for the same reasons, she said the same things, the exact same way and she once again told that she likes me but has impulses that she can't control and doesn't want to cheat on me. The next day I saw that she was talking with a coworker, getting closer to him. Since the beggining of our relationship she always said that my low self-esteem was a problem for her but especially for me. That I accepted everything, was too passive and didn't get angry with her when she was wrong. Now I know that I repeated the same mistakes as the first time we were together, I sacrificed too much for her, lost myself like I can't know who I am or what I like and don't like. This was a problem for her, and for me too but I was blind all the time. She always had these mood swings, she could be so sad and talking about suicide but weeks later she was euforic, with so much energy and love. Right now Im devastated but it's different now, I know that I need to get up for me, and not for both like first time. It's not a happy story, can be our not, but I want to show you that everything is possible. Sometimes that doesn't happen the first, second or third time. We have to know what really matters for us and what I like to tell people is, always listen to your intuition.