midnight_orchid

aw... sorry to hear. a cigar every other day's still not bad though.

Just out of curiosity Dako, are you still with the same woman you quit for? (not meant to be sarcastic) And congrats on quitting!

I wish I knew... maybe it's because I'm not used to telling people how I feel? I've taken psychology classes and there's always the issue of nature vs nurture. I've felt that maybe because my family and I aren't very confrontational and don't tell each other how we feel that that's how I've learned to deal with things.

Yeah, it's easier said than done especially if this is how I've responded to things for most of my life. How do you change the behavior? I would love to just let go, but what kind of steps do I make? Sometimes I do let go, but it still nags me on the inside. I see how my behavior is affecting the people I'm close to and I don't like the way I affect them. I want to change for them and to become a better me. I guess it's positive in that I recognize it's a problem, now how do I go about solving this? Like if someone does something I don't like, how do I stop myself from clamming up? How do I just let it go and be the happy person I normally am?

I have this bad habit of shutting the world out when someone does or says something I don't like. It can be the littlest thing, but I blow it out of proportion if it's something I don't like. Sometimes, I feel like I'm too uptight and I don't know how to just let things go. I've lost a lot of good friends this way. How do I get a hold of my emotions and stop pushing people away? How do I just let the (what seems like to normal people) insignificant things go?

orgasmic tofu, you're correct. I'm not trying to make my bf quit. I just want to learn to live with it. You're also correct in saying that if he went 6 months without smoking in front of me, I should cut him some slack. I understand that it's hard for him to not smoke in front of me, especially when all his friends are smoking around him. However, I do have the right to ask him to not do it in front of me. I let him slide Friday night (which he only did once). Then on Saturday, he did it 3 times. So I waited until we got home and I thought I politely asked him to not do it. I said, "I'm not trying to pick a fight but I haven't said anything about your smoking because you haven't been doing it around me and I'd appreciate it if you didn't." Now I talked to some of my friends and some of them told me that even though I phrased it "nicely" he could have taken it out of context and thought I was giving him an ultimatum, which I wasn't doing. So maybe he misunderstood me. I did freak out the first time I saw him do it in front of me, which is why I then reverted back to being moody and decided to tell him how I felt because I didn't want him to think that it was alright with me when he smoked in front of me. Now because I brought it up, he wants to have a talk and I think this talk is going to entail him wanting to break up with me. We were making future plans on Friday evening, about 2 hours before he lit up in front of me and because I brought it up, I feel like now he wants to break up... which I think is unfair. We both reverted back to our old selves, but we've been fine 6 months prior. I think he should at least give us another chance before deciding to call it quits and I think he's jumping the gun.

yeah I know I can't make him quit and that the only person who can make him is himself. I have thought about telling him that I won't kiss him after he smokes, but I'm afraid that he's going to take it the wrong way. Every time I bring something up, he takes it as if he's not good enough for me and that I don't accept him for who he is. If I were to tell him that I won't kiss him, it'll probably make him angry with me. Also, if he's already contemplating a break up, me not kissing him would be another reason to add to the list. Besides, he knows better and doesn't usually try to kiss me right after he smokes. I also notice that as soon as he comes back inside, he'll use the restroom to wash up and rinse his mouth with listerine. So "kissing an ashtray" isn't really what I'm worried about. He's already angry because the past weekend, he smoked in front of me for the first time in 6 months and I brought it up. Now, he doesn't want to talk to me and is most likely contemplating breaking up. We haven't gotten a chance to have this talk that he's been wanting because he's away on a trip. All I want to know is if there is anything I can do if he "slips" and does it in front of me again to calm myself down and not be the moody person that I normally turn into. The thing is, I don't really know where this moodiness is coming from. I have friends who smoke and it doesn't bother me as much as when my bf does it. For some reason, when my bf does it, it bothers the hell out of me. Any insight, theories, suggestions?

We haven't had our talk yet, but that's exactly what I was planning to tell him when we do. The thing is, I've brought it up before and it almost caused our break up. Then we got back together and for the past 6 months since we've been back together, I've noticed that he doesn't do it in front of me. So I thought we had an understanding (silent compromise, I suppose). Then all of a sudden, last weekend he did it in front of me. Because he did it in front of me, I felt like he disrespected me and I immediately became moody again. What I want to do is to control my moodiness... still have a fun time when we're out and then talk to him later about it. How do I control myself?

I love my bf very much. We've been together for almost 2 years. However, he smokes and I don't know how to deal with it. The weird part is, I have friends who smoke and it doesn't really bother me. As a matter of fact, that's how my bf and I started out. We were friends first, for the first 3 months and then we became more than that. I'm not sure why it bothers me so much that my bf smokes, but when other people do it, I don't mind it as much. When my bf was just a friend, his smoking didn't bother me as much, either. Maybe it's because now I'm around it all the time, "forced" to smell it and kiss it, etc. When my bf smokes in front of me, I end up shutting everything out because I feel like he doesn't respect me. I've told him before that the smoke irritates my eyes and gives me headaches. When he does it, I feel disrespected and then I don't really talk to him and I don't feel like doing anything with him. My moodiness puts him in a mood too. I want to be able to go back to the carefree person that I was in regards to his smoking. Please help!

Before I let him talk, is it a good idea to ask him how he feels about me and whether he saw me in his future? We never talk about anything deep, specifically our emotions and feelings for one another so my friend suggested that I needed to ask him those things. I can pretty much gather how he feels about me by his actions, but my friend said putting feelings on the table make the talk more serious and real.

Thanks for the advice. It's funny... I actually find that I get more out of him by pressing him. You're right, he does have a lot of things bottled up inside. His father passed away when he was a child and since then, he's felt like he has full responsibility of his family so I think he keeps a lot bottled up because to show that he can't handle something may be a sign of weakness.

After listening to his truth, what should I do next? Do I tell him my version of the truth? Do I suggest a compromise? Do I just let it be and walk away? I've also realized that even though I may have thought that we reached compromises, he may not have seen it that way (especially since we never specifically said it) which is why he said that it's a broken record. Do I bring it up that we have made compromises? And if so, how? Smoking was an issue for me, but I've come to the realization that as long as he's not doing it in front of me, I'll be okay with it. However, I'm pretty sure that he thinks that smoking is an issue, period. Is there a way to mention this and make it sound positive so that he doesn't think that I don't accept him for who he is? Even though we're both in our late 20s, we're both fairly "new" to relationships. Communication is a problem for us because we're not used to telling other people our emotions and feelings. Neither of us have said the L word to each other, yet I know he loves me and I'm sure he knows I love him.

I think the advice is great! Keep it up!

Thanks for the advice... that's the weird thing... So the first time he smoked in front of me was friday late night. Just an hour before, we were eating at a restaurant, discussing the trip we were planning to take on Wednesday. We were still the normal couple we've always been. Then we went to his friend's house and on the walk from the car to the house, he lit up right in front of me (something he hasn't done in over 6 months). So I felt disrespected. We were planning to shoot pool with his friends and when they were all about to leave, I told him I didn't feel like going. They all urged me to go, but I told them I'd rather stay in the friend's apt and wait until they got back. He still talked to me on Saturday, though there was tension. Then Saturday night, he lit up in front of me 3 times. We were hanging out with his friends so I bit my tongue until we got home. Normally, when he lights up in front of me, I shut down. I don't feel like talking to him or being around people. This time though, I tried to make the most of it. I thought I acted "normal" towards his friends. Then Sunday, he didn't talk to me at all. We have a ritual of carpooling the next morning to work because we watch a show Monday nights together, but he hinted on Sunday night that we will not be carpooling monday morning. I asked if we were going to hang out Monday night and he said he didn't know. So I emailed him while at work (we work together, too) and his response said that I was oblivious to what's going on and we needed to have a talk some time soon. I really didn't know what was going on and responded with, "Truthfully, I don't know what's going on. There was a little tension this weekend, but I thought everything was okay." Then he responded with a snide remark saying "Okay so I wasn't the only playing pool that night." He said I made him look like an idiot in front of his friends and to add insult to injury, Saturday wasn't any better. He said his friends thought I was crazy and that he was crazy. Then he said he had nothing else to say at the moment.

No, I waited until we came home to tell him.