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Ian4996

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Ian4996 last won the day on April 22 2020

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  1. Thanks all for the thoughts. They've helped me rationalise my feelings and knowing that others would've been very stung in my shoes has helped make me realise that I'm not overreacting. Slept much better last night with no tossing and turning. I think as someone else said, it's her re-emergence with my best friend that has really stung (whereas although I'd been bitterly disappointed at the time of the unmatching, I'd more or less forgotten about her). To address a couple of other things, I'm as sure as sure can be that the unmatching was not down to my friend. The unmatch wasn't immediately after I'd showed her photo, it was a couple of days later, and I know him well enough and for long enough to be as confident as I can be that that sort of sneaky behind the back stuff isn't his style at all. The only tricky thing to negotiate is that I will meet her, possibly this weekend - a big group of us have got tickets for a comedy night, Ben asked me if anyone drops out leaving a spare ticket, how would I feel if he let Emma have it and I'll probably say ok - I feel saying "no I don't want her to come" would just look petty and jealous and cause rifts (and as someone said, it's not worth ruin a friendship over a gossipy woman). And even if I didn't meet her this weekend, I will do sooner or later because we're both runners and both take part in the same races - as I mentioned, she was actually in the same race as I was in my dating profile picture, probably only 20 yards out of camera shot!
  2. To be honest, I preferred to know and I think Ben knew that (when he'd previously asked me about her, I told him that I'd been totally baffled by the unmatching) I actually felt a smidgeon better for knowing that it was because of something outside of my control and there was nothing I could've said or done differently (and again, I think Ben knows me well enough that I'd prefer to know). And personally, I hate the vagueness of phrases like 'she didn't think you were a good match' - I'm someone who likes to know exactly why, rather than to be given polite vague sentiments.
  3. Thanks all, those 3 are all good insights and I appreciate all your thoughts. Thanks yeah I totally agree with this - I had been fine until I heard she'd connected with Ben. One other thing that I should mention is that I did subsequently find out the reason for the unmatching - she told Ben at the weekend that it was because she'd found out I'd slept with her friend Caroline. This actually isn't true (I went on one date with Caroline about 5 years ago but we didn't especially hit it off and I certainly didn't sleep with her). So obviously either Caroline has exaggerated the truth to Emma or Emma has exaggerated the truth to Ben.
  4. Hi all. Bit of a question on a 'situation'. It's a bit of an unusual question in that I'm not asking for advice on what to actually "do" but more because this situation is really messing with my head (I'm tossing and turning at night struggling to sleep because of it) and I'm just trying to rationalise why it's affected me so badly! So to give a bit of background, I'm 39, male, single, using dating apps. I've used them for a good long while and almost always found them quite tough going - I did have a relationship of 3 or 4 months that ended a year and a bit ago but since then, I've not met anyone I've really hit it off with. About 6 weeks ago, I matched with a woman (let's call her Emma) who seemed like a really good prospect. We seemed to have everything in common (e.g. my profile picture is of me running in a race and her first comment to me was "I'd have been about 100 metres behind you in that photo!"). Chat was really good, good long messages going back and forth several times a day and I was thinking "this has really got potential, we get on well and seem to have everything in common". I'd showed her photo to a few friends (when we were sat round in the pub and they asked me how dating was going). After maybe 4 days, I was about to say 'let's swap numbers and fix up a date' before suddenly, out of the blue, bang, she unmatched me! Just deleted me. It was a proper 'what the f***!' moment. I just couldn't fathom it and, I'll be honest, it left me feeling pretty low for a couple of days afterwards. Like all things though, it happened, it passed. I was still disappointed but I got out of my slump after a couple of days. This was until about 3 weeks later when my best mate (let's call him Ben) messaged me. Ben is also on the apps after his divorce and Emma had now swiped right on him. He knew I'd been talking to her (as he was 1 of the friends I'd shown her photo to in the pub) and wanted to ask what the score was. Essentially he was interested himself but was doing the decent mates thing of checking whether I was seeing Emma or had been seeing her. I told him the story exactly as I'd described it above and said “I never actually even met up with her, so nothing to stop you if you're interested in her” Anyway, fast forward a couple of weeks. Ben and Emma have met up, had 2 or 3 dates and really hit it off. I should be happy for him (after all, he's my best mate, he's a good guy, and he's met someone who it seems to be going well with). But it's really badly messed with my head! I've been lying awake at night tossing and turning thinking about it and it's made me feel quite rubbish. I don't normally consider myself to be a jealous person, and I'm well aware that, logically, how I feel is a gross over-reaction given that I have no history with this person other than a few days messaging on a dating app. So why do I feel this way? Struggling to get my head around it. So just to re-iterate, I'm not looking for any advice on what to “do”. I know that the only decent thing to do is to leave Ben and Emma to it, the ship with Emma has well and truly sailed. But what I am looking for a perspective on is why this has affected me so badly and why it's left me feeling the way I do.
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