heyduh

hmm interesting ... i have to say that i saw several usual warning signs .. BUT the two thing that completely baffled me was: if i ever asked what was wrong, she denied it and gave reasonable sounding explanations ... (stressed from work, blah blah) ... perhaps it was just hard to admit to herself, how could she tell me? .. and she was still very very passionate when we got busy in the end, the mixed signals are going to drive you insane.

believe it or not, human beings are hardwired to be in serial monogamous relationships that last about 2 years. read up on the effects that chemicals like oxytocin, seratonin, dopamine have on love, sex and relationships ... (I am sure i spelt them all wrong)

sweetie you gotta learn to play the game ... and keep playing it, till death do you apart. the reason why most LTRs fall apart is that people stop doing the things they did in the beginning .. most of us quite frankly don't even know what we did in the beginning.

i disagree with the other peeps here. go for it! it seems to me that you are stronger now and in a power position. she is reaching out to you, and she seems to be making more than a half-hearted effort .. i mean c'mon a hand delivered gift ! and who is that nerd talking about she will make more effort - yep, she will keep reaching out to you only if she is extremely needy and has low self esteem ... she made enough effort, missed calls that you didn't return, a hand delivered gift ... now its your turn! i've found that most peeps on enotalone are hopelessly negative .. i mean, just take a look at how it seems for enotaloners that NC is the ONLY way to go .. NC is good, just to heal and reach a stage where it seems you already are: NOT NEEDY. sure you miss her, but from the sound of your post, it seems you can handle it now ... perhaps if you are strong enough, you'll be able to control the direction of the rekindled relationship. check out the other thread by shikashika "NC in 'real life' isn't always the best plan?" coz the fact is, if you continue NC you ain't ever getting back together. just be strong dude. take no more BS. and make that clear to her.

has anyone tried this? ... try going to landmark education (dot com) or google landmark forum and check out the website. it seems that the workshop/seminar is geared towards better relationships and healing ... as well as having a postive outlook, etc .. the usual self-help stuff there is also a lot of negative press about them using hypnosis or other controversial therapy but i'd rather get feedback from someone who has taken a workshop

I think it is foolish of people (mostly the dumpees here) to shirk from any responsibility for the demise of their relationship. If you take that attitude, it is likely that you are overlooking major issues YOU have that caused your EX to react in a negative way which resulted in the end of your relationship. And what is worse is that you risk taking those same issues into your next relationship Basic science/philosophy talks of cause and effect … that is, for any action there is a reaction. I am not saying that the dumpee is 100% to blame, but in most cases they are more to blame than the dumper. The dumper is merely reacting to something gone wrong in the relationship already … for some reason, one or more needs of the dumpers are not being met and so they dump. You *need* to look at yourself critically … how do you expect to grow if you don’t? Don’t beat yourself up over your faults, but do something to fix it! Stop blaming the EX or the EX’s friends or their families or their dog for your misery!! I will give it to some of you (a small percentage of you) that sometimes it is nobody’s fault, perhaps you two just grew apart … because people do change, after all the only thing permanent in life is change … but I would think these relationships would end more or less amicably and mutually because both of you are mature enough to know that you grew apart. In the end, if nothing else, the lesson YOU THE DUMPEE need to learn is how to attract and start a relationship with the RIGHT KIND OF PARTNER for you. For some of you, this is the biggest thing your EX will teach you.

see sig. below ... they are not directly related to "how to keep a woman" but address much larger issues ... but they are nonetheless very valuable on how to be the man that women are going to be attracted to and WANT to stay with.

NC is not always the answer. but it can be the best medicine to stop the pain. personally, I go the LC route (its been a good 6 months now so its easier) ... I find it hard to stop caring about someone you once loved, and I don't see how even a dumper suddenly flicks a switch that makes them not care about you or be curious about how you are doing. trying to "be friends" can be create a lot of agony. instead be friendly, remain casual acquaintences and "keep in touch" ... you need some emotional control to do this and if you have an agenda to get back the ex, you will only end up hurting yourself. eventually, "keeping in touch" will fade like the scores of other casual acquaintences over the years ... or, turn into a true, deep and caring friendship (seems like what Dako has going on) ... perhaps 2% of the times you may actually get your deepest darkest desire .. get back the ex!! but DO NOT COUNT ON THIS .... LIKE I SAID ABOVE, YOU'LL ONLY END UP HURTING YOURSELF

hmm .. interesting topic. when I was going through my breakup, I felt a lot of anger towards the ex (my attitude has completely changed now) ... but as that invisible circle of negative energy between us eased up a little bit, I had a couple of random and friendly interactions with her. (this was about 3/4 months after the official breakup) during one of these casual conversations on the phone, she very quietly and in an very fleeting and understated way said something along the lines of "i wanted to apologize for being selfish in the relationship" ... i distinctly heard it and just the way she said it, I knew it was something that was bothering her for a long time about the manner in which she broke up with me ... but I let it go. I could *feel* how difficult it was for her to say that (of course she has a bigger ego then most alpha men .. haha) ... but she knew I heard it. That was enough. I obviously could have opened up that uncomfortable dialogue and let us both dwell on it ... but all that would do was feed that negative energy bubble that had been around us for the past few months, so instead i just let it go with a warm (not sarcastic) "hmmm" and changed the topic into something light and fluffy. the thing is, no dumper is going to want to regret dumping you, but at the same time, they do understand how much pain they are putting you through. the thought and feeling to apologize will be there in the dumper (unless you were abusive/cheat etc), but their ego/self respect will prevent them from wanting to put themselves down in front of you at a time when they need to be and remain psychologically-speaking on top of you ... otherwise their minds will start playing tricks on them ... start second guessing their decisions ... and that's when those power struggles of push-pull, breakup/makeup will start again.

the thing is ... they don't want to talk about it, they can't explain, because they don't know themselves!! when people fall out of love ... its a feeling that they cannot explain, cannot rationalize and most often there are NO real logical reasons for this loss of love feeling ... and so they would prefer to avoid talking about it, and hope that you understand and leave them alone you lost them because subconsciously you did things that (subconsciously) dis-attracted them ... some of these people may try to rationalize feelings by giving you reasons why (they think) they want to break up, but the fact is, if they do try to rationalize it, it is just that, ie. rationalizing something that they feel but don't really understand get it? no? of course not .. that's why you are here

dude.. you are not over her still. continue NC for now. her communication was quite frankly just a casual hey what's up kind of email. c'mon, if your friends will email you every few months, don't you think someone who loved you would be curious to know how you are doing? the problem is that you are still not over the relationship. so NC is the best thing to do for now ... if after a few months you feel strong, you can reply back to her knowing that the best you'll get out of it is being a friend. nothing more. do that only if you really feel strong enough. for now, just let it go. and forget about closure. there is no such thing (unless she or you die)

icarus i know my words are harsh... maybe i'm overdoing it to balance out on the typical advice given on forums like this which is usually more along the lines of providing emotional support for people going through a tough time in their life. people sure are very compassionate on these forums .. when i first started reading these threads, at first it helped me feel better about myself, but as i looked deeper, i realized the solution was not in feel-good factor .. rather in learning, understanding and correcting whatever is in my control to do so. i really believe that the solution to all problems in life lies within ourselves. that's why my main focus is to stop putting blame on others like the ex (unless they were abusive, cheaters or had psychological issues) and look inside yourself ... also our thinking, our state of mind, somehow really does manifest into our reality during my relationship (and seems during yours) there was a lot more negative thinking on my part ... whatever you think, becomes ... so ultimately I got what I kept thinking about ... i always like to study successful relationships i see in real life. it is the mindset of one of the person in the relationship ... if this one person is grounded in reality ... they have the ability to handle any crap the other throws at them, to reframe the crap into something positive, and thereby taking the relationship to a higher level. i've seen this in many very long term LTR/marriages where you really just need one person (out of the two) that can guide the relationship into .. heavenly .. hehe. i think it is extremely extremely rare that both parties in the couple have this .. shall i say talent. i'm trying to be that one person so that next time I get into an LTR, I can guide it to success by addressing all the wants, needs and utter crap thrown at me by my significant other. something i read, probably in some NLP book .. there is no such thing as failure, only feedback. so i try to look at my last LTR not as a failure, but as feedback ... feedback for myself, what I could have done differently to make the outcome different. so next time i'll use what i've leart.. who knows if it will work or not ... life is one big lesson anyway, no???

oh another useful thing that might work for many of you is the EFT .. or emotional freedom technique (google it) it seems silly and corny, but apparently it works! i didn't really try it but there seems to be a LOT of positive feedback about EFT there is also a manual downloadable for FREE .. search on google

I'm a big big proponent of going back out into the dating world as soon as possible after the end of your LTR. this is easy for dumpers to do because it is very likely that they "checked out" of the relationship many months before. for dumpees the problem is that they get so caught up in emotions like sadness, depression, self loathing, etc etc etc ... worst of all, low self - esteem ... let's face it, our worth as men and women lies so much more in our sexual strenght. we can be super successful businessmen, politicians or other professionals, but nothing can bring us crashing down as romantic/sexual rejection. the only way to boost this back up is ... well, small successes. and the only way you are going to get back your bruised sexual self-esteem is to get back out there into the dating world ... and have some small victories ... i'm not talking getting back into another LTR ... far from it ... but i do suggest casual dating ... putting yourself back out there .. being flirty, making out, getting phone numbers .. up to you if you want to take it further .. haha ... but there is NO harm to anyone in getting back out there and having small romances. but how can you possibly do that when you are in a state of depression, sadness, betrayal, and all those negative emotions you feel??? you gotta fake it, till you make it. i'm not kidding. your emotions are tied to your physiology ... you need to make a conscious decision to "act" happy, confident, cheerful, sexual, etc etc.... do this, really force yourself to walk, talk, stand, sit, run, breathe, move like a happy, confident and cheeerful person for just 5 days and you'll see a complete turnaround in your life. i spent many months early this year wallowing in my own self pity .. and then i started trying to understand what i did that caused me to bein the situation i am in (see my signature for some books that helped me understand the essense of being a man .. hehe) and i read some more about depression, anxiety, etc etc .. there are many techniques out there ... thanks to my trusty p2p software i was able to download for *free* many workshop manuals, audio and video tapes .. particularly useful was anthony/tony robbins stuff .. he really teaches how to change your emotional state by conscious (but simple) physical effort .. btw, tony robbins is the guy that helped andre aggassi a few yrs ago come back from outside top 100 to break top 10 in less than a year so what i'm suggesting to all of you guys and girls here trying to cope. if you keep "trying to cope, or trying to heal" that's all you'll be doing for many months ... you need to get out of the "trying to deal with my pain" mindset ... force yourself out of it!! the first couple of months after my breakup, i stopped even getting early morning hrd-on.. (lol!) .. i was so depressed. so, like i said, first i took a good hard look at myself and my relationship .. and then i made a decision to get myself out of the rut ... now i'm dating a couple of ladies (casually, bothof them know where i stand on this so i am not playing anyone) .. and enjoying the time of my life .. horny as ever do i still think about my ex?! sure! in fact last week i dreamt of her every night ... but do those memories bother me anymore? no way!!! i can look back and smile for the wonderful two+ years we had together a good lady friend of mine is going through an even more traumatic breakup (her relationship was about 5 yrs) .. she met her doctor and was considering getting on antidepression pills ... i said BS to that crap .. and i literally forced her to get out of the house so we can go hit our social circles "on the prowl" .. hehehe .. it took a couple of times, but after that she tells me it was the best thing ever !! i forced her out of her miserable state, if you don't have a friend who can do that for you, then you need to do that for yourself!! PS .. i ain't advertising anything, i'm in fact giving you info how to illegally get these expensive workshops/books and manuals for free through p2p networks (don't msg me, just do a freakin search on google)

ultimatums are nothing but a sign of powerlessness .. they rarely work i don't know your whole story, but if she asked to get together after 4months, perhaps you could have taken things slow ... instead of giving her an ultimatum. like i said, i don't know your story.