larrys

The past week has been horrible. I thought I knew what heartbreak was, but I was so ignorant. I've gotten the green light to go to counseling. Something has to break this cycle of hurt. There has to be a day when I don't cry. I barely make it 5 minutes into the day. And as soon as it happens, "Well, maybe tomorrow." I have to keep moving forward. One step at a time. Move one foot. Then move the other. Keep at it. I miss you three so very much. A family. A family. It isn't, though. I'm still in shock. Even though I understand what happened, why I did what I did, and why you did what you did. I'm in shock. I feel like I've been in a car accident. The next month is all about healing. I know I'll be better on the other side of this month, but getting there. Sometimes I look at the second hand to make sure time is still going. That this is real. It's like looking down and seeing that my leg has suddenly been amputated without my knowing it. Where did it go? Why? When did this happen? The ultimate answer to them all: it doesn't matter. The leg is gone, and it can't be put back. Learn to move on without it. Learn to walk again. Learn to use the tools to move, to function. Don't look for it, because it can no longer help you. All this I KNOW. It's just that it isn't what I FEEL. My heart and my mind are in different galaxies. And Christmas. The first time in 5 years......I can't bear it. I can't. But I will.

I had to call the phone company today to separate our phone plans. Of course it wasn't in my name, so I had to text you to let you know that the phone company was calling to separate our plans. Such a simple text, and it nearly broke me to send it. I didn't know anything could hurt this much. I've been through heartache before, as you know, but this is a whole nother level. I just didn't know. For a guy in his forties, I feel like a such a little baby. I guess this is why NC is a thing. I want so bad for you just to text me 'How are you?' but you never will. I have to understand that. I'm just sitting here in shock and disbelief. Even after months, I can't believe my family is gone, and that they're moving on without me.

It's now been now been almost 4 months since we went to our different gates in the airport. I miss you so much. Our relationship showed me my capacity to love was much bigger than I thought. Our breakup eventually showed me I was suffering from anxiety beyond my understanding. I'm now the best version of me I've ever been, and yet the only one who I want to share the new me with.....I can't. I keep thinking how proud you'd be of me, and I haven't been able to stop thinking it. I see everywhere advice: to heal I have to give up hope, but how can I? How can I? The three of you are the most important people in the world, and I feel literally ripped apart. Anxiety is a killer. I just needed some time to figure it out, and now that I have? The only person I've ever truly loved won't be there to share that newfound joy and peace. I gained the ability to express the love I've always felt, but ....for whom? The concerts, the day trips, the birthdays and holidays....so many memories of family--that was how I expressed it. And now a family that's separated because I needed time. I'm so grateful for the changes I've undergone, changes that would've never been possible without the pain I used for fuel. I guess I just wish I could share. That's all. Take care, me