a teacher and a gentleman

You've all given me good advice. The question is, can I take it? I fear the pain of divorce. Yucky financial problems, splitting up kids and parents, pets, the house. I'm scared I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face. From my experience, you can get over any relationship quickly if you've got a ready replacement. I don't. I guess I'm in search mode right now. At least I'm searching out my options. It was her idea last year to seek counseling. She said it was that or divorce. I didn't want the divorce. She's threatened divorce several times in nine years. Her only complaints about me are that I'm clingy to her, don't spend enough time with the kid, and a little stingy with money. Yet, I work full time, clean the house, do the yardwork, cook the meals, pick up the kid from school, shuffle him to karate class and whatnot, take care of the pets, and try to manage our budget so we don't rack up massive credit card debt. All I ask for is some of her time and attention. Not all of it. I'm not the jealous type. I just want some of it. Sometimes I'm the invisible man at my home. I do all the work and get none of the reward.

A boyfriend/girlfriend thing can be gotten over quickly, especially if there's a replacement. If not, probably a year. Marriage--3 years. If somebody says otherwise, they're wrong.

You're right, DN. I know it's not a good idea to cheat. But I'm gettin' desperate. And I don't mean for sex. I mean for companionship. The problem with divorce is that it's worse than the original problem. Been there and done that. It hurts like hell. Takes 3 years to get over it. I guess that's why I keep biding my time with this wife, hoping it will get better. But I have thought about throwing down the ultimatum. My fear, I suppose, is that she'll say "divorce? I thought you'd never ask!"

Maggie, the therapist said for us to try to meet in the middle--I give her more space, she give me more attention. Well, duh! I paid good money for that, too! Yes, we've talked and talked and talked. I'm not one of these silent types. The wife is more silent than me. It's like we have a role reversal marriage. It's like she's the head of the house, in the sense that if we don't do things her way, she is insufferable. So I give and give and give, but sometimes I get tired of being the doormat. I'm not a weenie, just a nice guy. But she and I are not on the same page about priorities.

Hey Maggie, you may be right. I've told her how I feel until I've just become numb. I'm tired of getting her leftovers. I want to be the most important person in her life like she is in mine. I'm not trying to smother her. I'm not jealous either. I just want to feel appreciated. I might try what you advise. Thanx,

Yes DN, I've told her over and over, over many years. This problem seems to come and go. She will treat me great for a while, then mysteriously turn in to this other person who makes me feel one inch tall. We even got counseling for a solid year, all last year. Spent oodles of money with a therapist and here we are back again. I'm spent. Looking at my options. Any suggestions? Thanx,

Married 9 years. Wife is a nurse. I'm a teacher. She prefers to hang out with co-workers, church groups, and the kids to spending time with me. I feel ignored, unappreciated, taken for granted. I'm extremely good to her, maybe too good. Maybe that's the problem? I've never seriously contemplated cheating on her or divorcing her. But I'm to the point where either of those sounds like valid options to me. Mainly, though, I think I just a pen pal or two in a forum like this. Know what I mean? Thanx,

I agree it's a matter of perspective. From my perspective, the reason two people get together is to spend time with each other. If I liked hanging out with friends so much, why did I get married? I got married because I preferred this particular woman's company to anyone else's. She should be flattered and want to reciprocate. This does not mean I expect her to be with me 24/7, which is the conclusion that people always want to jump to. I just expect her to spend 1 or 2 out of 24 with me or 1 out of 7. Is that asking too much? She thinks so. She prefers her coworkers, her church choir, her girlfriends, and the kids to hanging with me. I feel insulted and unappreciated, because I am a good guy who treats her right.