Batya33

Oh ok you are a person who doesn't have close friendships where you care that much. I think you two are oil and water if you feel like you can try to take away her phone in the situation you described.

I mean - unless she was about to dial 911 because her UberEats was delayed and she was furious - or took a call from a known scammer and was about to give out her credit card security code - why in the world would you ever try to take someone's phone away as a reaction to something she might be doing "wrong" in your opinion? Yes you are supposed to sit and watch her do something "wrong" rather than try to grab her phone. Saying something like "are you sure you want to ...." is ok - if you think she doesn't know - but otherwise -yes you let her do something "wrong"

It's because typed words have limitations especially when we're basically strangers. And you're referring to a multilayered situation and inner situation wiht lots of 'history" you've written about. I don't think a romantic relationship necessarily brings out any different sides of someone than a really close friendship unless the person has issues with romantic relationship or physical intimacy. (I was fearful of saying yes to my husband about getting back together after 7 years apart -for about 60 seconds - and for some inexplicable reason saying yes to forever till death do us part at our wedding felt- natural, magical -no fear. I mean what's more vulnerable than promising, essentially -forever? And that brought out inner peace, joy and excitement and magic - not fear/anxiety or wanting to run away. Even though I'm type A, tend to be more anxious about stuff than average maybe, etc. So I don't buy that theory and I do think what's going on has something to do with your past. Much more to do with this particular person.

He's a stranger for romantic purposes -how do you even know he wrote that? He didn't meet you because he didn't want to so take his words in that context. You have no idea if he was a workaholic or whether his absences were because he was wilth his wife, girlfriend, a lover. I agree with Wiseman. I'd ignore the message and not waste time trying to analyzie it.

It's not enough for the long term to feel a connection especially if it's with someone unavailable in some way and especially if it's early on. It's thrilling ,exciting, feels awesome - and of course it's a real feeling. But feelings aren't facts and most of loving is giving - not a feeling -so if you feel connected that's great but the real proof is whether that translates into two people desiring to give to each other and acting on that by their giving actions. To me potential for the long term requires both head and heart. My son just called out from his video game haze "mommy!! you're my favorite!!" but in about 15 minutes when I tell him to step away from the screen and take his shower him loving me and seeing me as his favorite mother ever will NOT translate into him hopping in the shower as I asked. But when he was 3 and not 15 and I was solo parenting and got his stomach bug he saw me sitting quietly in the rocking chair which was new to him - -I was too quiet! - he came over and brought me a green crayon to cheer me up -true giving of love. When my husband and I got back together (ex fiancées) and had our first real kiss - I was totally sure he was The One - didn't tell him that but I -knew. He knew too -what he said after told me so. Amazing connection. The best. But that's not enough and that can help carry you through the rough spots but you still have to show up for each other, think of each other and be available to laugh together, commiserate, laugh at decades old inside jokes and hold your tongue and give space even if he doesn't ask because you know he needs that -even if he didn't ask and maybe doesn't even know he does. That's the stuff of compatibility, stick to it iveness . Feeling all your feelings is fun and awesome and enthralling -how in the world can you "feel" so connected -it's - magic! But there's also an element of true self-absorption - focusing inward on these exciting feelings and ignoring perhaps that the object of your delight - isn't available to show up for you daily or even every couple days -not in a real way anyway. Finding both is so easy for some and so hard for others. i fell into the latter category for sure so please don't despair- don't settle -and don't compare to others.

This is what I thought as well.

Married for awhile and I also agree with Wiseman that healthy relationships should not bring out the worst in us - and certainly not in any regular way. I think part of this is a potentially bad match for a romantic relationship but what I would do first is decide -internally- do I want to be in a serious, committed, exclusive relationship with her -and if so -you've certainly known each other long enough to know IMO that is a conversation to be had relatively soon as I suspect a lot of the negative/stressful stuff comes from this not having any definition or structure and you waiting for the shoe to drop -she declined this date and felt the need to tell you somehow. What about the next one?

What I do if someone is dressing or accessorizing differently or new hairstyle -if I feel like commenting I comment on the specific style or accessory "Love your new hair style" or "that's a great scarf!"

What do you tell them exactly?

I was done with "I let him" - that comes across as wayyy too controlling. For sure in my marriage my husband knows he needs to check in with me about evening plans because of our son - and yes at times I've said no or asked if we can then arrange for me to get a break if I'm solo parenting again. But if he used illegal drugs or drank to excess with any regularity at all I wouldn't have tried to control that ever. I simply wouldn't have dated him in the first place. I did date a guy who did that when we were in our 20s. I wasn't ok with it and didn't try to control him and was considering ending the relationship. Then there was a situation where I was there and his drinking caused me to be in a dangerous situation and him as well to a lesser extent. After that he chose to stop partying as much. In his 40s I believe he developed an alcohol addiction. Partying can be harmless or can be a sign of drinking problems. But I don't think telling him what to do is going to work. At all.

You get to create your own boundaries. If someone makes a comment about anything about you you find rude you can - walk away, ignore, or say "I feel uncomfortable when you say that." You own your body so you get to have the boundaries you want. Yesterday a teenager tried to talk to me on the subway platform. I answered his factual question then saw that he was acting in an off way so I walked down the platform. I believe he followed me because he then sat across from me. He randomly addressed me I ignored. He did it again and I quietly got up and walked further down and sat elsewhere. Maybe someone else would have had fun interacting with him. I had no interest in doing so. My son was the target of insensitive comments years ago by a dental hygienist about his height. I chose to call the manager later and complain. They ended up having a full office meeting to address the general issue. Someone else would have thought I was being oversensitive and I didn't give a darn. I don't like when others comment on my body size especially at a restaurant -tying it to what I choose to eat or not (I am thin). Others are cool with that or even feel flattered. I don't. There's a way to calmly and firmly let others know your boundaries and I'd stop second guessing about oversensitivity unless it seems to you somehow you've totally overreacted like someone tells you they love the turquoise in your earrings and you are offended that they must be noticing how large your ears are.

I'd advise the OP to be more other-centered next time - think about how you are choosing to deliver the message and share what you are feeling, the timing, context. Think about how this other individual who you say you care about and want to give to -right - will likely react to this sort of sharing of feelings. It's your thing to get it off your chest and no air needed to be cleared -he was going about his life just fine. Maybe journal to get out your feelings instead of sharing in the way you did -for sure if he was really into you all he would have heard was "wow she feels the same way whoo hoo!!!!" and it would have been a cute story about how you shared it. But honestly if I wasn't quite there yet but was considering dating someone and that happened -that would give me pause - and make me concerned that the person chose to share in that way instead of let's say asking me for a date.

I've enjoyed living off the grid temporarily during travels etc. Otherwise-no thanks and it's fun to watch how others choose to live. I had close to 2 hours extra time for me because of technology and ability to transmit a huge amount of information via email/electronically for a project deadline last Friday when 25 years ago when I did the same sort of project it often meant one of us racing by taxi to a post office or fedex to make sure the information made it to where it was going by the deadline. And having a team of people making copies. My mom did customer service for a major insurance company for years in the 80s and 90s and they went off the grid once -when the OJ verdict was announced - no phone calls for those couple of minutes. These days of course you probably could do something automated or enable chat functions so people could watch if needed.

I think there is a natural -not game playing - dance of intimacy. Especially in the beginning -some pulling back after intense closeness - not in a game way. After an intense catch up with a close friend I hadn't spoken to by phone in years- I likely wouldn't want to be that bonded to her an hour later if she called back and would have preferred a light convo -or none. Maybe I even wouldn't have answered the call. I think it's not natural -or maybe even unfair- to spill on a near stranger your baggage of past relationships which now are going to affect how you see this new person or any new person. I think the recipient should then choose whether to take that on and accommodate. It's not the same thing as a new person saying "oh thanks so much for offering to take me to the new VR place/amusement park - I don't do rides so it's probably not right for me. That might be a dealbreaker for some but typically there are many other options. When someone tells you off the bat she's choosing fear over connection in general maybe you wish her well and tell her if/when she's ready- call and let's see where we are! I think maybe the OP sees it as a challenge -maybe it fueled that "rightness" feeling.

There is this series on CNBC that's kind of cool and kind of like this called Unlocked -I've watched two partial episodes -a guy who bought a no longer usable jet plane and lives in it and a family who lives full time on a boat -parents and young child.