Batya33

The next time you're having to play detective don't- don't play -at all - walk away -there is nothing healthy about what he had you do or what you did.

No because you have no way of knowing if she's applied to work in law enforcement here or anywhere else.

Well - no - no medication is going to change your attraction to her or how your eyes look unless it's a medication where you're asleep. If she is pushed away by sensing you are attracted to her then your answer is she is not the right person for you. Is your priority intercourse or is it being close to your girlfriend, feeling attraction and showing it other than through intercourse for now? You're wildly speculating and again your assuming you need medication is terribly concerning and doesn't make much sense as far as what a healthy relationship looks like. Also if you are staring at her body parts that might make her uncomfortable especially if she is trying to have a conversation with her. Do you actually like this person as a person? Do you have a lot in common? Do you have fun talking to her and hanging out with her? If you're constantly staring at her in a sexually hungry way that will make most partners uncomfortable because it's too much and feels objectifying after awhile. You can sexually desire a person and not stare at them in a sexually provocative way.

I think it's fine to tell her you're not comfortable with a one on one meeting because even though you're not concerned that your ex's inaccurate um information will affect your fiancee who needs to stir the pot. Can you arrange a group meeting?

Something is very very wrong here -with you- if you feel that in order to be with your girlfriend and abstain from intercourse you'd have to take hormonal medication? How about just the basic - when I desire to have sex with her I -will choose not to have intercourse. You are a human. You'll be fine not having intercourse with your girlfriend even if you feel desire to have intercourse. I'm sure from a young age you've learned how to manage appropriate reactions to feelings and desires that could not be fulfilled at that moment. Without meds.

Ask her if anything is going on with her or between you two that she is feeling upset or uncomfortable about. Ask her in a curious way, not with any sort of pushiness. Then be quiet.

Yes all of this -have zero contact with this person and don't let it stop you from attending.

This is one individual who acted like a total jerk and I'm glad you found out sooner rather than later.

I'd move on too. It's not because he is "losing feelings" -he made a choice not to maintain the connection from a distance - he should be honest about that -LD is not for everyone (my husband and I made it work and I always had the desire to connect with him by phone, to make plans to see each other etc and when I committed to him I knew we'd be long distance for awhile and on and off and when I committed I committed to maintaining and growing our connection and relationship. If I realized it wasn't for me I'd have ended it. No one can control how they feel but they can control the reactions - find someone who is fine with how feelings change, ebb, flow and up for maintaining and growing their connection to you even when it's in an ebb stage because you and the relationship and the future are more than worth it. I'm sorry you're disappointed and please don't try to convince him to stay or chalk it off to "overthinking".

If you weren't serious and you were so unsure why go to the lengths of eavesdropping? My sense is he deliberately dates women from out of town so he can lead his double life. Also they might be common law married since he is living there. I like how Andrina put it.

Have you ever been to his home? Have you been to events involving him and his child? Do you meet up with his parents and friends? Why did it matter that she had feelings for him and how do you know when those feelings arose? Perhaps she chose not to act on them or even tell him? You feel what you feel. You chose to get involved where you really couldn't be fully involved in his life (but that's also why I asked how involved you were with his family which will provide some of the information I think is needed here IMO).

I have no interest in being right. I didn't quote your post and for sure it inspired mine. Both are true -I didn't quote because my sharing wasn't meant to be in conflict with your sharing or to debate or argue and I know you meant the same by referring to mine. The OP most often does not choose to have an open mind either when she posts or apparently in the situations she describes. We all have a level of bias, of perspective, we all bring our baggage and it depends on the extent, the extreme to which we choose to let it effect us and many can choose to notice the bias and firmly choose to put it the heck aside to show up for a friend. I recently made an extremely "what! no mom would do that!" choice (nothing remotely harmful to our son -maybe even a really positive thing for him!)- and it was interesting the attitudes - those who know me and wanted to be supportive responded based on me -not based on what a "good mom" would do - or asked questions -curious not furious - and those with stereotypical notions of Mom and Shoulds responded with the whole slippery slope stuff. As it turned out -wow -just what the doctor ordered for me and I'll know in the next day or so whether our son truly was more than fine -he seems so! If the OP had been my friend -I know most likely I'd have lied to her - if at all possible - because I'd have felt too vulnerable about telling her my choice and that I had done something "most moms" would not do. So she would be a friend i had stricter boundaries with - and I bet her vibe and attitude erodes the closeness with her friends in similar ways. She probably has no idea what really goes on with a number of her friends as the risk of sharing isn't worth the -um- vibe.

I had countless sleepovers before having sex ever and before having sex with a new boyfriend and we talked about it before while fully dressed. Very simple like "I am so glad you're sleeping over and I'm not ready to have sex with you yet." No mind reading needed. No man ever declined. No man who I'd been dating for a month by then -ever tried to get me to have sex with him and many of them weren't ready yet either. If we were already having sex and I didn't want to or couldn't have sex that night (like on my period/not feeling great but not contagiousl lol) same thing - he still slept in the same bed and no intercourse. I mean couples share a bed all the time when they have a newborn and can't have intercourse yet and/or the woman is simply post-birth too darn exhausted especially "down there." Men aren't animals - neither are women -humans can desire sex strongly and be right in the face of temptation and make a different choice. Happens all the time. And it's not leading or or mean or teasing or depriving with simple and honest communication. But verbal is best.

I don't think wanting others to live your life as you do means you are happy with your own life -it might have no connection at all. I am very happy with certain of my choices like my exercise routine, certain professional choices, certain parenting choices -and, first I never try to impose them on anyone - because even if -even if -I was convinced one of my choices could make someone else very happy - I would not be happy with myself at all -including happy with how I was living my own life- for either coming across as judging by imposing or "strongly suggesting" they do what I do - or for giving myself a pass for "well I just care about him/her SOOO much that I had to tell him/her to try what I do. I think people who are happy with their choices with rare exception are quietly calm and confident about it and often recognize how individual it is -the choices and the happiness. And are rarely defensive and often have humility and don't brag. I think this all applies to Alex - perhaps -speculating! -her friends can sense the judgment vibe, her friends tire of the braggy comments. Or the humble brag comments. Or the implied comparison comments. I used to go to my neighbor's house downstairs -two really young kids- most often with my young kid but not always if he was at school etc and I'd walk in and simply say straight out. Hi. I'm here. Go shower. No big show of it -just "k. go shower." It's -really freeing for a mom to have that 15-20 minutes or so to shower with no distractions. I went over to a woman I didn't know who had: lots of packages from shopping, one whining baby in the stroller and a toddler who did NOT want to leave the park and was very very loud. The mom was off to the side clearly overwhelmed and clearly embarassed. My child was playing and older. She didn't know me. I walked over and said to her quietly - so the toddler wouldn't hear "hey -if you need help with the packages I can keep them on the bench right here while you get the kids settled." I knew she wouldn't want a stranger near her children. She declined and a couple of minutes later, finally leaving the park she stopped by and quietly thanked me. Alex that's all it takes most often to be a human and show up as you are - open, genuine, blank slate sort of so the person knows you are there with friendship, support, neutrality at their choices or situation. No air of superirority or judgment or statements to the effect of "Ohhhhh I've been there when I can't even shower/when I'm soo overwhelmed I know JUST how you feel!!!! I'm here and I'm going to [fill in the blank]." If you show up without expecting a reward, with basic simplicity, the sort of invisible helping hand people will come to you with the same openness and feel safe with you. Your friends don't feel safe with you. One false move and they will be judged in some way. While you gleefully hand them the homemade cookies you slaved over.

What ground rules did you set before you shared a bed with him? I think the gray area here is you didn't say no, or similar and you stayed in the bed. I lived in a studio apartment -why not sleep on the floor at that point or on your couch if you have one? Since you'd been intimate before and you were in bed together perhaps he didn't read your physical signals properly. Also is he constantly making sexual comments? What kind? Does he want sex or intimacy? Sometimes there is a big difference.